I can’t cope with my daughter being home

[TinklyLittleLaugh]

I have a lovely, laid back DH. I hold my hands up and admit that I myself am a bit hot tempered and controlling. We have four lovely mostly grown up kids, three of whom are very chilled and DD1(24).

DD1 is a fantastic person; kind and brave and great fun. She also has slightly divaish tendencies and mood wise she is either really up or really down.

DD1 and I clash. We are either getting on brilliantly or we are clashing. At the moment she is between jobs and has been living at home for the past two months and I honestly feel I’m about to have a breakdown. Tiny things are being blown out of all proportion. Poor DH is at his wits end.

So today I offered to make everyone scrambled eggs on toast for lunch. DD only wanted toast. I got the pan and eggs and everything ready, made and buttered the toast then quickly scrambled the eggs and called everyone for lunch.

DD1 decided her toast was cold. Said she was going to put it back in the toaster. It was dripping with butter so I said I didn’t think it was a good idea. She was going to put it under the grill. I said chances are you will burn it or start a smeech and the fire alarm will go off. Besides it’s not really cold, mine is fine. She said mine is too cold; I don’t want to eat cold toast. I said make yourself some more then. She said I don’t want to waste food; I want to warm this piece up. I said well I’d rather you didn’t.

Then it all kicked off. Apparently I was very controlling not letting her warm her toast up. DD1 and DH both having a go at me. I apologised several times and they carried on having a go at me. What’s wrong with you, why are you always so angry nowadays?Etc.

I’m bloody angry because I’m living with a moody bloody diva. I spend a lot of my time encouraging her with her job hunting and being nice but nothing is ever good enough; she just picks faults, moans about my cooking and accuses me of things like not using a nice tone (or even having a nice face) when I talk to her. If I talk to her siblings on the phone or give her little brother some attention she kicks off. And bloody DH is like her little lapdog or something.

I think the toast is the straw that has broken the camel’s back. I just don’t want to engage with her any more.

With the piano incident, it sounds as though your DD wanted to moan to someone not complain at her DF. You actually stirred it by then taking it to DH. It's not that unusual to moan to one family member about another - what is annoying is if that member then tells the other you're moaning.

The toast incident - you were oddly controlling. She's an adult. You don't need to police the temperature of her toast. It might have been ok for you but it wasn't for her. If you're getting so annoyed about cooking for her and expecting a certain level of gratitude that isn't forthcoming then start a cooking rota. Dh and DD can take turns with you.

I like cold toast but, in my defense, I only butter it once cold.

That's almost acceptable. Almost.

...aaaand another classic Mumsnet AIBU spiteful overreaction

Lol calm down. Doesn't sound like her daughter's done anything wrong. OP said herself that she's hot-tempered and controlling, and I agree that from her descriptions of events, it's her that is causing the drama.

Just my humble opinion. I don't see what spite has to do with it!

The toast incident is bizarre. And warming it under the grill will not start a fire. I don't know why any one thinks this.

The piano incident she complained to you. She didn't ask you to tell dh. She probably felt bad he came running upstairs feeling guilty. You say you are mediator but no one is asking you to do this. On the contrary they are making it clear it's frustrating them. Plus it doesn't sound like you are mediating anything.

And warming it under the grill will not start a fire. I don't know why any one thinks this.

Agreed. I've warmed buttered toast under a grill many times. It melts the butter and warms the toast. Never started a fire.

Shes an adult, treat her like one and she might not act so childish. Win win.

I don't think it was really your place to try and interfere about the piano though.

DD was perfectly able to talk to her father about it directly if she had wanted but was choosing to put up with it, presumably for his sake. She expressed her irritation to you, probably to let off steam, and you immediately grassed her up behind her back. I think it comes across as you shit stirring to be honest.

I pull a face to my DH sometimes about my youngest DS's painful screechings on the violin. But I'd be irate if DH went I told DS I wanted him to stop practicing.

This is why you should give them tiny rooms when they're 18. Paint their room a colour they don't like.
Fill their wardrobe with lavender and mothballs.
They'll be out before you know it.

Yanbu. She needs to grow up and go. My brother and dad were the same. He was at home until he was 25.they were at each other's throats!
I left home at 19, as did dsis. My dds also left at 19 And 21. I would find it toughif they came back to live!

I'm just excited to have learned the word 'smeech'.

Go abroad, go visit extended family just take a fortnight away from her and when you come back, DD1 and DH will likely be at each other's throats and welcome your return.
And you'll be well rested.

My dd is 20, whens shes home from uni she drives me mad. Her kick of and strops. Id be annoyed about the toast too.

I agree that you should step back and let DD1 get on with things, e.g. warming up her toast and telling her Dad directly if she doesn't like his piano-playing. If she caused the smoke detector to go off while warming her toast, so be it. She can figure out how to stop it.

Why don't you pretend that she's an adult roommate rather than your DD and let her be as independent as possible.

I expect she'll miss some of the things you do for her now, but there'll be less clashing!

Not evil? Yet she lied to your dh about complaining, so he’s on her side thinking you lied! I’d bollock her arse for that. That’s deliberately getting you in trouble/gaslighting. Not acceptable.

As for chilling out, she wanted to put buttered toast back in the toaster. That’s not clever.

I think you need to stop treating her like a child and make her responsible for chores around the house. I lived at home until I was nearly 30 and would cook and clean everyday for the whole family, pay the bills, and support mum by taking her to appointments etc. She is a grown woman who apparently doesn’t know not to put buttered toast in the toaster - she’s an idiot really and needs to grow up fast.

This is why I'm planning to have an allotment with a cosy shed by the time my dc are big.

Yes, but if the OP lets her make daft mistakes, she'll learn from them. Make her take responsibility for what she does, whether it's burning toast or telling someone what she really thinks (like her Dad). Don't try to control or make things OK for her all the time, she has to learn how to do that herself.

I moved out permanently at 23, made some daft mistakes (culinary and otherwise!) and have learnt from them.

I hope you're not doing all the dinners OP. You are 3 adults. You need a rota. Start to think housemates and step out of mum role

In my house there's me, DD 22 (at uni but living at home) and DH. DH works full time, I'm disabled and unable to work. I do all the cooking - DH and DD have never cooked a family meal, DH has never even cooked a meal for himself! I'd love to try a rota system but I fear it'd spark a mutiny 😂

OP I don't think it's even slightly 'controlling' to ask your DD not to put buttered toast in the toaster (and I agree with PP that that word is so overused here, to the point it's insulting to those in genuinely controlling relationships). Pianogate hints at a nasty, gaslighty atmosphere in your house, and it ain't you doing the gaslighting. I agree with others who say you need to leave them to it (apart from when they want to wreck your toaster). And maybe take yourself off out for dinner and let them fend for themselves for a change.

I have adult DDs at home and I have had to learn to let go. I now only cook for them when I feel like it and if I’m out then they have to look after themselves. I try and treat it as a house share though it’s not easy at times! Also make them do the cleaning and washing. There are four adults in the house and I work full time and don’t see why I should do everything for everyone.

Any couple that don’t work as a couple baffle me tbh. Your daughter sounds spoilt it is it really a huge issue wasting one piece of bread? The more significant issue is the gas lighting IMO, your never going to win this one with two against one. Consider your options Op

It's the lying that would piss me off. She needs to hurry up and get a job.

Yep back off with getting involved with anything to do with her. If it needs sorting she can do it without interference from anyone. If she doesn't like her tea "oh that's sad" etc on repeat. Don't get up to make anything.
Talk to dh, all adults in the house needs to make tea twice a week, teenagers need to do x. Don't single dd out, you need everyone to pull their weight and be more mature, learn life skills, make them more productive etc.
Ask dh to talk to dd about her job hunting, how could he make the process more productive etc.

My son put his buttered toast back on the toaster and set it alight as the fat got hot so really not a good plan !

Haha! Love that CoatTails

Best thing you can do is not rise to the bait! She moans at you about the piano playing ...suggest she speaks to her father. She complains about the the toast. Next time get the bread out and tell her its ready for her to make to her liking.

Alternatively, sit down with her and husband and tell them how you are feeling. Then ask how things can be better for all of you.