I can’t cope with my daughter being home

[TinklyLittleLaugh]

I have a lovely, laid back DH. I hold my hands up and admit that I myself am a bit hot tempered and controlling. We have four lovely mostly grown up kids, three of whom are very chilled and DD1(24).

DD1 is a fantastic person; kind and brave and great fun. She also has slightly divaish tendencies and mood wise she is either really up or really down.

DD1 and I clash. We are either getting on brilliantly or we are clashing. At the moment she is between jobs and has been living at home for the past two months and I honestly feel I’m about to have a breakdown. Tiny things are being blown out of all proportion. Poor DH is at his wits end.

So today I offered to make everyone scrambled eggs on toast for lunch. DD only wanted toast. I got the pan and eggs and everything ready, made and buttered the toast then quickly scrambled the eggs and called everyone for lunch.

DD1 decided her toast was cold. Said she was going to put it back in the toaster. It was dripping with butter so I said I didn’t think it was a good idea. She was going to put it under the grill. I said chances are you will burn it or start a smeech and the fire alarm will go off. Besides it’s not really cold, mine is fine. She said mine is too cold; I don’t want to eat cold toast. I said make yourself some more then. She said I don’t want to waste food; I want to warm this piece up. I said well I’d rather you didn’t.

Then it all kicked off. Apparently I was very controlling not letting her warm her toast up. DD1 and DH both having a go at me. I apologised several times and they carried on having a go at me. What’s wrong with you, why are you always so angry nowadays?Etc.

I’m bloody angry because I’m living with a moody bloody diva. I spend a lot of my time encouraging her with her job hunting and being nice but nothing is ever good enough; she just picks faults, moans about my cooking and accuses me of things like not using a nice tone (or even having a nice face) when I talk to her. If I talk to her siblings on the phone or give her little brother some attention she kicks off. And bloody DH is like her little lapdog or something.

I think the toast is the straw that has broken the camel’s back. I just don’t want to engage with her any more.

I would have told her to put it in the microwave and then sit down and stop disturbing the meal. She sounds a bit spoiled; my mum wouldn't have made me toast at that age. Is she paying rent? You need to get tougher - for everyone's sakes!

She needs a time limit to get a job - any job - find a flat share and leave.

I think putting buttered toast back in the toaster (or even under the grill) is frankly unsafe and I would have said words to that effect. I can see why she maybe felt you were being controlling. But sometimes it’s hard to get the words out in the heat of the moment when she is actively trying to push your buttons, which it sounds like she was. I think the lesson here is not making her food. I’m sorry things are so tough in your own house. Doesn’t sound great 💐

Okay, t clarify, I was genuinely concerned about her setting the toaster on fire and I thought she would set the fire alarm off if she put it under the grill and I wanted to eat my lunch in relative peace. Did not know you can heat up toast in the microwave. Did calmly tell her to make herself more if she was that bothered.

I was making toast for three and scrambled eggs for 2. Surely everyone gets the toast ready first then spends what, a minute, doing the eggs? Much worse to do the eggs first then the toast, eggs will go all claggy. How was I supposed to produce hot buttered toast simultaneously with scrambled eggs? I’m not an octopus. Should I have left my lunch to one side and gone back to make a piece of toast to DD’s required temperature?

Guaranteed if I’d said make your own toast she would have complained I could easily make hers while I was making mine and DH’s.

I really hear you, OP. DD1 is the same age as yours and moved back with us last year after 3 years at uni. It's been very hard. She moved her boyfriend in by stealth a couple of months later (he just ended up staying more and more nights without me really realising until he was here all the time).

I was too weak right from the start. I was too scared of upsetting her or kicking her out and making her feel her home wasn't her home. Those things were mistakes. I should have laid firm ground rules for chores, boyfriends, finance, cooking, time limit to move out, right at the start. Instead I just got more and more frazzled and the arguments got worse and worse until finally the boyfriend said he wanted to move out. They went last week. I was sad initially but it's only since they've gone I realised how appallingly stressed I was. It honestly brought me to the brink of a breakdown.

Like you, I find it hard to step back control, especially when I think she's making a hash of her life. I micromanaged too much but was not firm enough on chores, doing way too much for them. At times I felt I nearly lost our relationship altogether - I could honestly see her going no contact and me eventually being one of the devastated grans on gransnet the way things were going. It was such a contrast to DD2 who is an easy helpful personality (away at uni, back in hols) and I was feeling more and more terrible that I was getting on so well with one and not the other, especially as DD1 and I had always been so close before.

Now they've moved out I can already see we will be able to start to rebuild things. It's already better.

If I can give you any advice it would be that making her move out won't ruin your relationship; quite the opposite. Don't be scared to be firm and give her a date by which she must be standing on her own two feet. Make that not too far away. Also, try to step back from her problems, moans etc. Certainly don't get involved between her and your DH. But ultimately I think she needs to move out. I read that so many times on here and I get that it's easy to say and hard when it's your own child. But it really will be better for you all.

"she would have complained I could easily make hers while I was making mine and DH’s."

Well if she's too lazy to do her own then she needs to accept it as it is!

I would probably have done toast for two, scrambled eggs, then popped her toast in as I was dishing up.

That's if I hadn't got everyone to muck in tbh.

I refuse to be the only one in the kitchen trying to produce/dish out a hot meal for 4 people at the same time whilst three others sit on their arses.

i think its hard.and the trouble is every arguemnt is about something more so like the toast thing which should have blown over,its exploded.she will feel you on edge.and will push.she will revert back to kid mode becasue that what we do when we go back to parents.(inwirtten rule) but we shouldnt be asswholes about it.but she will feel you feeling shit about her being there and will hate it.and wotn know why so will make her more and edge and she will then do everything to piss you off or just get any reaction. "tell me you love me dont get angry" kind of thing.
but the whole house is on egg shells beause undlying it all is you and her rubbing the wrong way so every match lit is setting flame to alllllll of the debri your not talking through.
can you talk to her.make some nice rule together.or do somethign together.go out for coffee and let her know how youve been feeling.ask her how she is then see what "can we do to make this livable" for both of you

I have 2 adults living with us Dd 21 and her bf 22 who has been with us since half way through his A level year when his dad threw him out. Dd 23 comes back from time to time and gets annoyed with piano playing and landing lights on too early (9am😳) I’m a piano teacher so she stands no chance.

I completely get what you’re going through and was definitely the ‘bad’ guy most of the time.

Methods that have worked for us:

1. Don’t cook for her, she knows your routine so when you need the kitchen , the rules are she sorts out and buys all her food and cleans up the kitchen afterwards (which for the record, you will end up doing, but best way to keep the peace) it also means you don’t have to plan different meals for food preferences that’s her job.
2. Don’t get involved, ‘muuummm dads piano playing is annoying me!!!’ ‘ I know dear, but look he’s so happy with his new hobby’ and WALK AWAY.
3. Repeat after me OP ‘Please don’t speak to me like that?’ Every time she is rude or disrespectful and again WALK AWAY do not engage, do not pass go, do not collect £200 it’s not worth the agro.
4. Don’t do anything for her, aside from cheap/free rent, she is an adult with the adult responsibility of running her life, it’s not your job anymore, do not take ownership of her jobs/problems.

I’ve been doing this for about a year now, I have no ownership for any of their chores cooking meals, washing clothes, cleaning room etc. So she is now grateful if I do do anything. Life is much smoother.

This post gives me a foreboding (my two DDs are 9 & 11)

OP, I hope the veggie dinner option was well received & appreciated!!!

Update, she has been very polite and nice about dinner (as has DH) and she’s just gone to the shop and asked me if I want her to get me some chocolate. I think we’re all feeling a bit sheepish about toastgate to be fair.

I don’t always do the cooking by the way, certainly DH normally does lunch but he was hoovering so I did it today.

I think DD will be sorted soon; she has signed up to a temping agency so will probably be working by next week. I know her plan is to move out ASAP. We had exactly this scenario last year after she graduated and we were just getting to this really irritable stage when she moved out.

It’s a big contrast with DS1 though, who lived at home for two years after graduation, cleaned up after himself, cooked sometimes for us all, did his own washing and paid keep. And was generally really nice to have around. I haven’t put any of those rules in place for DD because our arrangement is supposedly temporary.

Since you admit tp being controlling and hot tempered is it possible you and your dd just happen to be a lot alike? Maybe that's why you clash so much?

It’s a big contrast with DS1 though, who lived at home for two years after graduation, cleaned up after himself, cooked sometimes for us all, did his own washing and paid keep. And was generally really nice to have around.

They're all different, OP. I have the same. DD2 comes home from uni and is straight on it, doing the dishwasher, cooking dinners, helping willingly, being extremely grateful for everything I do. Weirdly, she's a messier person than DD1 and her own room is worse, but I think she just puts herself out a lot to help me. I'm really trying not to compare as they both have different strengths and if I'm not careful the housework/ boyfriend/ finance issue can colour the other lovely things about DD1.

I haven’t put any of those rules in place for DD because our arrangement is supposedly temporary.

Herein lies part of the problem and it's a trap that's very easy to fall into. Learn from this from the future and set rules from Day 1, even if you think the arrangement is only for a week. I wish someone had told me how important this was!

As soon as her toast was ready, you could have called her so she could butter it herself and eat it straightaway.

Or she could have put the gone-cold toast butter-side down in a frying pan over some heat for a couple of minutes.

@TinklyLittleLaugh, my mum said 'smeech' and claggy and she was Cornish - are you West Country by any chance?

Walk no I’m Welsh living up north (after living in London and the Midlands) so I’ve probably absorbed dialect words from everywhere.

I’m surprised “smeech” is not universal though. What do other people say, “Stinky, back smoke from burning fat,”? That’s a bit of a mouthful.

One or two people seem to be giving the OP a ridiculously hard time
Lots of us don't want to be moaned to about a lunch we just cooked someone, I'd have thought.
I'm sure life will feel easier once your dd gets a job OP.

Just had a google though and it’s from the West Country. My grandma was from Somerset so probably got it from her. My mum says it.

Why did you make such a drama out of toast, she's 24 she can use a grill.

I think you're the issue, you're treating her like a dramatic 7 year old when she's just getting on with it.

Also it was toast not a roast dinner, hardly like it was much effort to make

Anyone else really craving a slice of buttered toast now?

You have my sympathy OP, I have to spend a few weeks of the year house sharing with my Mum and it’s a really hard dynamic that neither of us particularly enjoy.

Ah tinkly I was an absolute bastard to my poor old parents when I came home from uni, it's a sign she needs her own space don't take it personally

I think you were both being a little difficult to each other, but it's nice to hear your update that everyone is a bit sheepish now. It's a hard time for everyone.

As someone who lived at home for a little bit after uni, it was the most frustrating thing to spend all my time job searching and being rejected and feeling useless because I had no money but had spent years working on skills that would have supposedly gotten me a job. She'll get something eventually and then everyone will get on a lot better. But it's a really demoralising time for young adults, and this kind of squabble is par for the course.

Id be annoyed about the toast too.

Why?

Why can’t DD reheat her toast? It hurts no one

She wasn’t asking OP to redo it

You will NEVER win against a DD who is fighting to prove SHE is the superior female. (yawn). Just let her do her own thing and make her own mistakes. BUT MAKE SURE YOU MAKE HER CLEAN UP AFTER HERSELF.

I wish I had a £1 for everytime my DD challenged me, whether directly or indirectly...