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Original poster

MIL controlling the DCs money WWYD

347 replies

FluffyUnicornClouds · 05/11/2019 07:42

For Xmas & birthday PIL gives the DC money to buy themselves something, however MIL always takes it back home with her to “keep it safe” the problem is if the kids want to buy something she has to police what it is. If she thinks it’s worthless tat or she doesn’t approve of what they want she won’t give them the money.

Now to a degree I do agree with this as obviously I’m not going to allow my DC to spend their money on absolute shite and we have denied requests for Roblox / fortnight coins in the past.

However DD wants to buy a mid priced laptop for herself. She’s in her second year of secondary school and they have recently gone over to doing the majority of the homework and submitting it on the PC. We all currently share a family PC but DD now wants to buy herself one. For homework and also as she likes to write short stories.

DD has saved up her money. We recently moved and prior we all had a massive clear out and sold anything we didn’t want on eBay with the proceeds of that and her pocket money she is £100 short on the laptop she would like.

She’s asked MIL If she can have the £100 shortfall from her Xmas and birthday fund and MIL has outright refused telling DD it’s a waste of money to buy a new console to play games on, she has explained its for homework but she’s still refusing.

DD said to me what is the point of them getting this money for Xmas and birthdays when they can’t actually spend it. A few months ago she wanted a sports jacket and the money for that got refused. Yet DS asked for money to buy new football boots and he was allowed it. MIL has over £300 of DDs money and about £250 ish of DSs. That’s 3 years worth of Xmas and birthday money.
Every year she asks them what they want, they tell her and she says il just give you the money to buy it. She’s already said she’s doing the same this year.

So how would you handle this situation? I can’t leave it to DH to sort as he is NC with her funnily enough due to the fact she’s interfering and too controlling.

OP posts:
YouokHun · 05/11/2019 15:54

*wouldnt seek!!!

Original poster
FluffyUnicornClouds · 05/11/2019 15:54

We have given DD the £100 to get her laptop and have promised DS the £50 in a few days time when I get paid. So that’s fair and they have had the same amount spent on them. DS hasn’t got anything in particular in mind and I spoke to him prior to giving DD coming home and giving the money and he was absolutely fine with that.

To the poster who said to give £300 to DD and £250 to DS, I honestly wish we could but unfortunately we aren’t in the position too not this close to Xmas.

I’m going to try and pop in to see PIL and have a face to face hopefully civilised conversation and see what happens. Will read back over this thread tomorrow.

OP posts:
Crankybitch · 05/11/2019 16:16

Can you ask for the money and say you want it by the end of the month as the children need / want their presents from previous years.

If she doesn’t give it say you won’t see them over the Christmas period as it’s rubbing it in the children’s faces to see her each year and have her giving them gifts then taking them back straight away.

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Families
Topseyt · 05/11/2019 16:47

I'd do as Crankybitch suggests.

You need to stop tolerating this shit from her.

Salene · 05/11/2019 16:58

Sorry I would be telling her to keep her money the kids don't want it.

You don't give a gift then take it away, tell your children to forget about the money and never ask for it

She isn't a kind person

MerryMarigold · 05/11/2019 17:06

I wouldn't give them the money. It's her gifts! Why should you cover it? They need to know what she's like and even if this is painful, it should tech then something good (don't let other people control your money or decisions).

SunnyupLands · 05/11/2019 17:21

As far as I am aware anyone can have multiple bank accounts?

Unless it's an isa, you can have two, one cash and one stocks and shares.

But you need dc id to lorn them.

If its a normal bank account it might not even be in dc name? And to be honest, who cares either way.

This utter madness has to stop.

Tell your dc how bizzare this situation is its far from normal, explain what would normally happen and say enough.

If she tries to hand money over step in and say, no. But I hope they won't be faced with this position.

Why do you keep them in contact with pils?

SunnyupLands · 05/11/2019 17:22

Sorry meant to add just open up bank accounts for dc yourselves!.

Open up banks and isas etc.
You don't have to put 100s in but take back some Control over money.

10 a month!

Jellybeansincognito · 05/11/2019 17:48

You can be as civilised as you like, she’s manipulative and abusive. You’ll get no where.

FabbyChix · 05/11/2019 17:50

Tell her not to bother this year as the gesture means nothing if they cannot use the money to spend as they wish

Dilkhush · 05/11/2019 17:54

Your children are very polite. If someone had done this to me age 13 I'd have ripped the money in half before giving it back to them.

Your DCs will never see a penny from them and they'll probably play merry hell dangling inheritance promises in the years to come.

Close the bank accounts and open new ones for other relatives to pay into. This will only get worse and more confusing for the DCs.

AlwaysCheddar · 05/11/2019 19:08

They are controlling. Get the accounts in the kids name without the PIL having access. And give them once chance only to give the kids what they owe. If not, walk away. Be firm about deadlines. I see why your dp is NC.

dementedpixie · 05/11/2019 19:12

OP cannot close the accounts as she has no control over them. She can however open her own accounts for them

ememem84 · 05/11/2019 19:23

I’d ask for the money back.

Nishky · 05/11/2019 19:54

Glad your dd will get her laptop.

Good Luck with the in laws

UnderHisEyeBall · 05/11/2019 20:58

*Why are you letting your children go through the humiliation of asking her only to be rejected?

She's a manipulative cow and you're letting her get away with it.*

This. I think you have realised how problematic this is and come to a good resolution over this incident. Now you need to make very, very sure your MIL doesn't get to do this ever, ever again.

SunshineCake · 05/11/2019 21:28

Don't be so hard on the OP. It appears to me she has acted quickly once she realised what is going on and will deal with her MIL tomorrow.

RegretnaGreen · 06/11/2019 07:26

I agree with a PP. 'Laptopgate' has to be the final straw. I would write her a letter telling her that you have seen this as the final straw in her controlling behaviour, that you assume the accounts do not exist and the money she has waved under your childrens noses was actually the money she is about to pay her electric bill with. You no longer want contact and for her to please stay away in future as she is teaching the DC life lessons you do not want them to learn.

TowelNumber42 · 06/11/2019 08:51

Good luck.

There must be ways to get the children's bank accounts out of her control. The accounts are in the children's names, you are their legal guardian and MIL is not. It's worth a call to the bank. You don't have to tell them she's a cow, just that she has not been able to properly manage the accounts and so the adult in control needs to be you.

dementedpixie · 06/11/2019 09:01

If she has set up the accounts then they are under her control. The bank wont (and shouldnt) do anything on the instructions of someone that has nothing to do with the account

TowelNumber42 · 06/11/2019 09:12

The account is the child's not MIL's.

dementedpixie · 06/11/2019 10:36

Child accounts are still run by a named adult which would be MIL.

LaurieFairyCake · 06/11/2019 10:55

How about you play a really clever, manipulative game with this fucker....

Propose that DD wants something she will agree with - antique jewellery that she wants her granny to buy because "she has such good taste" (for her wedding/the future) or something like that

Then sell it on EBay and buy the laptop Grin

Winterdaysarehere · 06/11/2019 11:19

If she has no intentions of spending the money on the dc it is fraudulent. Setting up an account for a dc is signed for agreeing the cash is for the dc not you.
I reported exh for stashing cash in undeclared accounts.
Takes very seriously...

iknowimallmine · 06/11/2019 15:38

Honestly I wouldn't take any money from her even if I didn't have any. This is the time to teach your children some self respect and tell them to refuse to take any money as present from her when she gives it to them as present and tell her why they don't want it from her. Teach your kids to stand up for themselves. This is a life lesson which unfortunately they have to try on a family member