MIL controlling the DCs money WWYD

[FluffyUnicornClouds]

For Xmas & birthday PIL gives the DC money to buy themselves something, however MIL always takes it back home with her to “keep it safe” the problem is if the kids want to buy something she has to police what it is. If she thinks it’s worthless tat or she doesn’t approve of what they want she won’t give them the money.

Now to a degree I do agree with this as obviously I’m not going to allow my DC to spend their money on absolute shite and we have denied requests for Roblox / fortnight coins in the past.

However DD wants to buy a mid priced laptop for herself. She’s in her second year of secondary school and they have recently gone over to doing the majority of the homework and submitting it on the PC. We all currently share a family PC but DD now wants to buy herself one. For homework and also as she likes to write short stories.

DD has saved up her money. We recently moved and prior we all had a massive clear out and sold anything we didn’t want on eBay with the proceeds of that and her pocket money she is £100 short on the laptop she would like.

She’s asked MIL If she can have the £100 shortfall from her Xmas and birthday fund and MIL has outright refused telling DD it’s a waste of money to buy a new console to play games on, she has explained its for homework but she’s still refusing.

DD said to me what is the point of them getting this money for Xmas and birthdays when they can’t actually spend it. A few months ago she wanted a sports jacket and the money for that got refused. Yet DS asked for money to buy new football boots and he was allowed it. MIL has over £300 of DDs money and about £250 ish of DSs. That’s 3 years worth of Xmas and birthday money.
Every year she asks them what they want, they tell her and she says il just give you the money to buy it. She’s already said she’s doing the same this year.

So how would you handle this situation? I can’t leave it to DH to sort as he is NC with her funnily enough due to the fact she’s interfering and too controlling.

You can also do that for your kids. Next time they hand any money either refuse it on their behalf or take it off her and tell her 'thank you, I will put them in their accounts'. She is trying to control you and your kids with money. Don't let her do this to you.

Good luck today talking to PIL.

I'd tell them under no circumstances are they to give your children money for Christmas or birthday ever again. It's outrageous that they are using money to control your children. Tell them either to buy a gift that (you send a list) or nothing. If it continues refuse to go there for Christmas again. This needs to be sorted out one way or another particularly as they are favouring one child over another. Frankly I'd tell them to stuff their money.

What happened op?

I reckon there will have been a row of some sort, MIL will not give up control easily.

I also think NC would be a good idea, sod the money. I suspect there will be no way for the bank accounts to be switched over to the DC. MIL will have made sure that she has some control on it.

Did you call in?

@FluffyUnicornClouds - have you managed to have the conversation with the inlaws yet? Just wondering how you got on.

This is such a weird setup. If your DH is NC with her due to her controlling tendencies why are you even exposing your DC to her?

Quite frankly I would have stepped in after the first time she took presents/money back from the kids or tried to control what they bought. You are the one damaging your children by allowing this to continue all these years!

Plus I wouldn't be telling PIL what to do with their money or gifts. You aren't entitled to any of it. I would just say I disagree with the way it's handled and we won't be exchanging/accepting gifts anymore.

People like this only have control because you allow it. Just reject it.

I would have confronted her a long time ago. What a cruel way to behave towards their grandchildren.

I went round and spoke to PIL yesterday.

I wasn’t confrontational I just simply asked what’s happening with the Xmas money situ with the DC and why DD has been denied access to her money that was given as a gift from them both.

Her answer was she didn’t think DD should be getting such a big ticket item so close to Xmas. Her story then changed to she thinks the laptop is too expensive.

I did ask why they are giving money gifts with strings attached as it’s not the first time DD has been denied access to her money. She said that as they gave the money she felt she had a say in what they spent it on. MIL didn’t see my point that it’s a gift and the DC should be able to spend it on what they like. Said that SIL buys us all gift vouchers and she obviously doesn’t get a say on what we spend it on but we do always message her after we buy something and say what we bought and thank her again. But MIL just didn’t get it and couldn’t see my point at all. FIL did and said she was being very petty and gifts shouldn’t come with conditions attached.

Her story then changed completely and she said the reason why she doesn’t let them keep the money is because she doesn’t trust me. As when DS was a baby at the time i was very close with MIL. I took baby DS with PIL to visit DHs Nan’s sister. I’d only met her once but she very generously gave me I think it was £100. For arguments sake I will say £100 as this was 10+ years ago now. She said the money was to get something for the baby. Now at this time I was on maternity pay and DHs work had cut everyone’s hours across the board, he lost 2 days a week. Before he lost his days we were already struggling. It was temporary for like 2/3 months but financially we were on our ass. We paid our mortgage and bills and both kids were fed but me and DH were living on pasta and beans on toast. MIL knew our situation and asked what I spent the money on. Half went on a stockpile of nappies and formula the other half went on a basic grocery shop. The money at the time helped out immensely. She never said anything at the time but she said she’s never forgotten the fact I “stole” baby DS money. The conclusion of the conversation was I can’t be trusted with looking after the DCs money. FIL was actually horrified with what she said.

He’s actually rang me today basically mortified by what MIL said.

So no resolution, I didn’t get the DCs money as I clearly can’t be trusted with it.

But in other news DD did get her laptop.

When they open their cards they should walk from the room saying "Oh thank you, I will put it safely in my money box right now." If MIL intervenes, they should say "Oh was this not for me then; did you put it in there by mistake?"

I honestly think she does this because she has been allowed to get away with it! One of you should be saying to her that it is not on and either she must give them a present or not; but do not give it to them then control what they do with it.

Frankly she sounds totally nuts!

She should be glad you were trusted not to give her a bloody slap!!
What an awful cow.
And a rare fil who stands up to his dw!!what did your dh say?

@willitbe you need to stop accepting the money from them.And if your DH is NC with them and he knows them better you,why are you allowing contac.The kids self esteem will be on the floor and it will be your fault.

Ah - beg pardon, I see you have tackled her on it. Well done.

She still sounds nuts!! Poor FIL!!!

@FluffyUnicornClouds your MIL is on another planet. I'm glad your FIL is on side and that DD got her laptop.

FWIW we were given money for DD when she was born. We bought an activity gym etc, but didn't exactly keep track of what we spent vs what was given as we knew we would always ensure DD has everything she needs, so she was still getting the money, just not necessarily getting it immediately. So we steal from babies too

Yeah, cause feeding your children is far less important than a few baby toys. Bloody hell, she's awful.

As FIL seems more on side, maybe ring him and ask that they give a gift this year rather than money to avoid any issues.

I think this is where the cash gifts stop. Either FIL hands money directly to DC and it's not taken back or you tell FIL in advance that no presents should be given because the money clearly isn't for the DC.

What a bitch. Why are you and kids not NC with her like your DH? She is controlling and doesn’t trust you. I don’t know why you bother with her.

So.... nothing has changed...

She STILL controls the DC's money..

Sorry it turned out like that.

I find it shocking that her reaction, when finding out you had been forced to spend some of the £100 on food was to sulk about it and hold it against you.

I'd like to think that if I were in her shoes and I had a son and DIL in that situation that I'd go round with a care package of food and essentials - if I could afford it of course, not everyone has the spare to be able to do that I know.

At least FIL is on your side.

Wow! What a bitch. Your Dh really needs to have a word with her now and tell her to shove any further gifts up her judgemental arse. Poor FIL.

I'm sorry your MIL is being like this. Hopefully FIL can talk some sense into her but I very much doubt it.

OP I’m actually mortified reading this thread
A) That your children have been subjected to this cash gift tug of war (controlling behaviour) for so long!
B) That your MIL had the actual audacity to say that to you! To hold something so petty from 10 years ago against you so brutally!

In your situation I would speak to FIL and advise that given the circumstances you don’t intend to see MIL at all this Christmas and future contact with you/DC should be formally requested well in advance, at which point you and DC will decide whether to accept or deny MIL’s request.

Let’s turn the tables on this power play