MIL controlling the DCs money WWYD

[FluffyUnicornClouds]

For Xmas & birthday PIL gives the DC money to buy themselves something, however MIL always takes it back home with her to “keep it safe” the problem is if the kids want to buy something she has to police what it is. If she thinks it’s worthless tat or she doesn’t approve of what they want she won’t give them the money.

Now to a degree I do agree with this as obviously I’m not going to allow my DC to spend their money on absolute shite and we have denied requests for Roblox / fortnight coins in the past.

However DD wants to buy a mid priced laptop for herself. She’s in her second year of secondary school and they have recently gone over to doing the majority of the homework and submitting it on the PC. We all currently share a family PC but DD now wants to buy herself one. For homework and also as she likes to write short stories.

DD has saved up her money. We recently moved and prior we all had a massive clear out and sold anything we didn’t want on eBay with the proceeds of that and her pocket money she is £100 short on the laptop she would like.

She’s asked MIL If she can have the £100 shortfall from her Xmas and birthday fund and MIL has outright refused telling DD it’s a waste of money to buy a new console to play games on, she has explained its for homework but she’s still refusing.

DD said to me what is the point of them getting this money for Xmas and birthdays when they can’t actually spend it. A few months ago she wanted a sports jacket and the money for that got refused. Yet DS asked for money to buy new football boots and he was allowed it. MIL has over £300 of DDs money and about £250 ish of DSs. That’s 3 years worth of Xmas and birthday money.
Every year she asks them what they want, they tell her and she says il just give you the money to buy it. She’s already said she’s doing the same this year.

So how would you handle this situation? I can’t leave it to DH to sort as he is NC with her funnily enough due to the fact she’s interfering and too controlling.

How about a work-around?

Think of something that she couldn't possibly refuse, but make it something that you would normally be providing yourself. Maybe sports or music equipment, extracurricular lessons in dance/language, a school trip.

Extract the funds from MIL then re-distribute to DCs to spend as they wish.

Sure, it's not pricipled or noble but I'm a pragmatist.

I will be honest in the fact the DCs money situation doesn’t get brought up often as the kids get bought mostly everything they want by us so it’s not like this is a weekly occurrence.

I will admit I have failed them in this aspect. And to a extent this gift / money policing has been going on for years as prior to the money giving they were asked what they wanted each birthday/ Xmas by PIL and they never actually got what they wanted, close but not quite right. One year for example DS wanted a home football shirt. PIL bought him the 3rd / goalkeeper kit I can’t remember which and had his name put on the back so it couldn’t get returned. There gifts were always just off the mark, wrong size / not quite the right toy. There not ungrateful kids by any means but this was when they were much younger if you had your heart set on something and it’s not quite right it can be disappointing. But I now see it’s all a level of control over the DC.

I’ve spoken to DH and we will give DD the £100 and DS £50 so it’s fair.

I will speak to MIL this week, and see if I can find a resolution for this and tell her how out of order it is. If it’s not resolved then sod her and the money.

Talk to your DC's. Explain that the money isn't really a gift and as it's just bring used to control you will not be accepting any in future and won't be asking for the money DGM already holds unless she transfers into a bank account the kids set up that she had no access to. Teach them about controlling behaviour and how to deal with it. That gift is worth much more than the money their DGM pretended to give them.

100% agree with @Redwinestillfine

Your H went NC with this woman for a reason, why on earth did you think anything would change?

Take her out of the equation

You could tell her that part of helping a child to grow up and learn responsibility is to allow them control of how they spend their own small amounts of money (underline small because this is apparently peanuts to her) and you would appreciate it if she would help you in doing this by handing over the cash to them.

If your DC have bank accounts in their name then there must be a way of legally accessing it without recourse to MIL. I would start with that.
'I suspect the money is not in accounts and that she was merely waving around money that now does not exist.

I would try the legal route of contacting the bank and failing that or even despite that, I would go NC with her. She is as toxic as fuck.

IF the mil has set up accounts for the kids she most likely has her name on the accounts too, so therefore op or her Dh won't get access. However it would be worth going to the bank (if you know which one) and bring the kids. There are some accounts where the child can access it at a certain age if it is joint. However, your mil may just have accounts in her name and allocate your kids names to them, as opposed to the kids being full joint account holders. Bring kids ID. It would be a wonderful thing if you discovered that the type of account did allow the kids to withdraw over a certain age (used to be 7). If that was the case I'd let them clear the accounts out and never speak to the bitch again.

I would be interested in knowing what these bank accounts are they she has for the kids. I personally do not think they are in the kids names as the account I have for my son, at age 11, he has to run and not me.

Good lord, micro managing presents?

I don't understand why you're not nc with her like your husband. She sounds really controlling. Why do you even speak to her?

That sounds good OP.

Really glad you are doing the right thing for your kids.

Tell her in advance that kids are old enough and sensible enough to not have their spending policed.

Next money giving situation take her money put it in your handbag and refuse to hand it back to her. Ask for all the owed money, lie if you need to and say it’s for tuition or swimming lessons or whatever she would approve of then take and spend as you want
If none of this works tell her no more money giving going forward and stick to this

The MIL is being withholding and manipulative and it is cause constant angst for you and your DC.

What I would do is this. Ask the MIL to put the money in saving accounts for the DC which will make her think you are on her side on the prudence front. The children will have to be given access to the accounts when they are 18 - and it will be of benefit then to have a capital sum for university, cars purchases or whatever.

In the meantime advise the children that they are not going to take any money from the MIL for birthdays and Christmases. They will be miffed at first but make it a firm rule and stick to it. Point out they will get the cash later when they really need it. This will knock the deliberate tantalising and manipulation on the head by squashing expectations once and for all.

The computer is a different, one off case, If it is really for homework and not just for game playing can you not 'crowd fund' Christmas money gifts from other people to contribute towards it? Or make the last £100 the DD's Christmas present. There must be some way round this as a line drawn under the MIL's malignant influence. Once the DD gets the computer, that is the last time anyone expects something from Grandma the Grinch.

It is really important not to let this women come between you and your children and between the children themselves. She's playing the lot of you against each other.

Sorry, causing, not cause.

This needs to stop.

If you can afford it - I would sit down DS and DD, give DS £250 and DD £300 and tell them this is the money that MIL has from the Christmas'. Perhaps ask them if they would like to put it in a special account or buy something with it? Suggest as well they save until the January sales, but you'll understand if they don't want to. It's theres to spend, you'll hope they save it.

Tell your MIL you have done this, she can settle up with you if she likes, but you have told the DCs not to ask her for the money as you have already given it to them.

Then tell her that you won't allow her to take back any gift she's given the children from now on. If she would like to control how the money is spent, she needs to buy them a physical gift herself, you can provide her with ideas, but if she choses to give them money, you will not allow her to take the gift back. If she would rather give them nothing, that's fine.

You can't change her actions, you can teach your children that it's not ok to be treated like this.

However in your situation, I would question why you are going to see her or letting her in your house at all if her own son doesn't want anything to do with her. The fact you are allowing your children to have a poisionous relationship with someone who damaged your DH seems terribly disloyal to him.

There is no proof of these other accounts and even if they exist they may not be in the kids' names. I wouldn't tell your children to expect money in the future either.

If there are accounts then you wouldn't be able to access them as they will have an adult as the person administration them and that is likely to be your MIL

She sounds like a right dickhead. I’d just tell your kids to stop expecting this money as she’s never going to part with it anyway.

Or perhaps if you want to incite some drama you could ask her to supply a list of MIL approved gifts for DD to choose from. Hah.

You need to tell her to sod the money to be honest and not bother with anymore gifts/money. By you not caring she loses control.

Also open them up new bank accounts which she can't police.

I think that’s the right approach OP. Do the bank accounts have money from any other source or is it just her ‘gifts’?

I grew up with my mother doing this type of thing to me. It is all about power. Personally I wouldn't have any conversation with her regarding the money or bank accounts, just write it all off, amd never ever rely on her again (don't even rely on her pick you up a pint of milk - it gives her control)

I will never understand why some people want to control others.

I think how you handle it depends on how well you cope with confrontation. The fact that MIL thinks it’s ok to act in such an inappropriate and controlling way is a surefire sign that she will not respond well to you (or your DH) calling her out on it (which I think you are absolutely well within your rights to do). If you think you can handle the grief, I would definitely speak with her sooner rather than later and others have provided some good examples of how to approach it. If you feel that you can’t cope with the fallout, however, I’d go down the route of briefing the children to sit at your feet when opening MIL’s cards on Xmas Eve, handing the money directly to you while simultaneously thanking MIL - even if she insists that they sit near her, they can open their cards and then immediately pass the cash to you as they thank her. As soon as MIL asks for the money back for safe keeping, you can breezily interject on their behalf that the children already have in mind what they want to buy and that you’ll keep hold of the cash for them as they plan to spend it during a family day out to the Boxing Day sales. If you take this route, though, I think it’s fair to say that it’s unlikely the children will get back any of the money they are owed - but you might see this as a worthwhile sacrifice if keeping the peace is important to you.

Ask your DH how to handle any confrontation with MIL. I bet he says not to bother as only harm will come from it.

My exh did this to dc their whole childhood, then he spent it on himself.
As teens they saw their empty bank books.
They are nc with him now.

There are some real shits around Winterdays

Some real shits.

I will speak to MIL this week, and see if I can find a resolution for this and tell her how out of order it is. If it’s not resolved then sod her and the money

I would “seek resolution” if I was you. Decide what outcome you want and take a rigid stance with her. Personally, based on what you’ve said, I’d send her an email and say “the children are no longer to receive money as gifts for Christmas and birthdays. They would be delighted with a simple card”. Then minimise/cease contact and keep it business-like. Open your children their own accounts and cut her out of the whole thing. Just keep repeating ‘no’ when the subject of gifts is raised. Polite but firm stonewalling.