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Original poster

MIL controlling the DCs money WWYD

347 replies

FluffyUnicornClouds · 05/11/2019 07:42

For Xmas & birthday PIL gives the DC money to buy themselves something, however MIL always takes it back home with her to “keep it safe” the problem is if the kids want to buy something she has to police what it is. If she thinks it’s worthless tat or she doesn’t approve of what they want she won’t give them the money.

Now to a degree I do agree with this as obviously I’m not going to allow my DC to spend their money on absolute shite and we have denied requests for Roblox / fortnight coins in the past.

However DD wants to buy a mid priced laptop for herself. She’s in her second year of secondary school and they have recently gone over to doing the majority of the homework and submitting it on the PC. We all currently share a family PC but DD now wants to buy herself one. For homework and also as she likes to write short stories.

DD has saved up her money. We recently moved and prior we all had a massive clear out and sold anything we didn’t want on eBay with the proceeds of that and her pocket money she is £100 short on the laptop she would like.

She’s asked MIL If she can have the £100 shortfall from her Xmas and birthday fund and MIL has outright refused telling DD it’s a waste of money to buy a new console to play games on, she has explained its for homework but she’s still refusing.

DD said to me what is the point of them getting this money for Xmas and birthdays when they can’t actually spend it. A few months ago she wanted a sports jacket and the money for that got refused. Yet DS asked for money to buy new football boots and he was allowed it. MIL has over £300 of DDs money and about £250 ish of DSs. That’s 3 years worth of Xmas and birthday money.
Every year she asks them what they want, they tell her and she says il just give you the money to buy it. She’s already said she’s doing the same this year.

So how would you handle this situation? I can’t leave it to DH to sort as he is NC with her funnily enough due to the fact she’s interfering and too controlling.

OP posts:
BackOnceAgainWithABurnerEmail · 07/11/2019 14:41

Tell that interfering old cow that if your children or you do not have access to their bank accounts then you consider them to be being held fraudulently. Tell her you will be contacting the bank to say that this money has been held in these names but these people have no access to it. that’s really serious.

NoSquirrels · 07/11/2019 14:41

Wow! That’s quite the update, OP. Glad your FIL doesn’t seem batshit.

I’d clarify with them, by email or text:

MIL, after our conversation about the children’s gifts, I think it’s probably best if you don’t offer them money any more if you aren’t willing to let them spend it on what they choose. I’ve discussed it with them all, and that’s how they feel. If you’ve got a better suggestion to resolve it do let me know, but I think it will cause less upset if we just agree no money gifts.

Drum2018 · 07/11/2019 14:42

Sorry, I was forgetting your Dh was NC with her. I'd also go NC now that you know what she thinks of you. You and the kids can do without her pathetic manipulation.

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LaurieFairyCake · 07/11/2019 14:42

Wow 😮 that's so much worse than I could have expected

Probably best to join your DH on the no contact bench

JellyBabiesSaveLives · 07/11/2019 14:45

Gosh. Well, tell them that they’re not to give any gifts to the children from now on, cards only. And that they’re never to mention the money as you’re going to tell the children to forget about it.

Do ask FIL about the bank acounts that MIL opened for the children. If they’re just accounts in her name then it doesn’t matter but if they are in the children’s names then that is fraudulent, as she has no intention of letting them have the money. So you’ll need details so you can close them.

bluetue · 07/11/2019 14:46

Wow. There is no way to come back from that. End of relationship with them.

mankyfourthtoe · 07/11/2019 14:46

Open card put money straight in pockets.

What a bitch. If you'd told family member I'm sure they'd have been thrilled to help in a tricky spot. And I'm sure it's been paid back tenfold to ds over the years.

coconuttelegraph · 07/11/2019 15:07

Your children are old enough to understand the situation, tell them that you know it's hard but MIL is only pretending to give them money and that they should ignore it and never mention it again, never ask for anything, act like it didn't happen and let her stew wondering why no one is asking for it.

As a family have as little to do with her as possible from now onwards

billy1966 · 07/11/2019 16:29

OP,

It is honestly staggering to read that, despite your husband, who knows his mother well, and what she's like, you have decided it's a good idea to allow her to financially abuse your children for years.

What about loyalty and respect in a marriage.

I just can't imagine being married to someone, love him, and yet think so little of him, as to think I know better than him regarding his parents.

Your husband and children have a huge wife and mother problem.

The issue is not the money, it's the horrible control you have allowed this awful women to have over your children.

What can it have taught them.

What a mixed message you have sent them, in not supporting your husband, when he was clearly bang on the money in his assessment of his mother.

You owe your husband and children a massive apology.

You should tell them you have finally realised how utterly abusive she is and that you will be telling her she is no longer welcome in your home AND that their father was correct in his decision.

She should be told she is no longer welcome.

Wishing you the strength to fix this awful situation that you have allowed to occur.

Good luck.💐

BumbleBeee69 · 07/11/2019 16:36

billy1966

agreed

baubled · 07/11/2019 16:37

She sounds like a fucking lunatic!

Derbee · 07/11/2019 16:46

At least it’s all out in the open now, and you know where you stand.

I would send a message along the lines of

“After our conversation today, I would like to make it clear that the DC will no longer be accepting money from you. I have discussed everything with the DC and they understand that it is for the best. DD has just bought her laptop, and my children will not be financially controlled by a petty and poisonous thought that you have been holding onto for 10 years.”

Derbee · 07/11/2019 16:47

Is your DH NC with both parents? Or just the crazy witch?

3timeslucky · 07/11/2019 16:51

She sounds like a fucking lunatic!

This.

I couldn't deal with that and would absolutely follow your dh's lead. The woman has told you she doesn't trust you. She doesn't trust your children. She is controlling and inappropriate. Follow up on your conversation with a "running for the hills" conversation.

AlternativePerspective · 07/11/2019 16:52

I agree with @ billy1966* this is partly your fault. You knew what she was like. Her own son doesn’t have contact with her and yet you were (in your words) close to her when the DC were tiny, she had an insight into your family finances which she was able to use against you when you asked about the money, this situation has been ongoing for three years with the Christmas and birthday money and you have allowed it to continue and totally disregarded your DH’s feelings with regards to the reasons why he is NC with his own mother.

Usually I am not a fan of advising people to go NC as I think that all too often people are too quick to go down that route. But given your DH is already NC with her and you are not her child but he is, I think you need to end any contact with her as of now. And yes, I do think you owe your DH an apology. Has this never caused friction between you? Because I can only imagine the posts here if someone posted that they were NC with a parent and their partner had remained close to them despite their reasons, and despite the fact that the control issues have now switched to their children. Honestly I think the responses would go so far as to advise the poster to reconsider the relationship with their partner.

As for the whole idea that you should claim it as fraud etc etc etc, no-one will take you seriously on that anyway, and it’s really just not worth it.

But I would have absolutely nothing to do with her ever again. And if DH isn’t NC with FIL then I would make a habit of inviting him round often. But then I’m a bitch.

GenuineQuestions · 07/11/2019 17:02

Shocking op, it's almost like she's getting at you through the children.

Utterly vindictive. Nasty.

The bank account in their name is interesting. I do hope you now sever ties with this lady and tell your dc what she has done.

Redwinestillfine · 07/11/2019 17:03

Your way in FIL. Just relay to him that for the reasons given you can't accept any further cash gifts as you need to protect your kids from this sort of control. Be pleasant but firm.

saraclara · 07/11/2019 17:27

Does FIL have no access to the account?

WhoKnewBeefStew · 07/11/2019 18:55

I think following on from that conversation I'd not accept any further money, and tell her MIL to keep what she has saved up for the GC and go and buy herself some humble pie.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 07/11/2019 18:56

I'm sorry that you've had such a shocking encounter with your MiL about this. I am pleased that your FiL stepped in and told his wife that what she was saying was unacceptable. I would have to ask if he thought it was so unacceptable, why he didn't open his wallet and hand you the money himself?

As for MiL, I would have to agree somewhat with @billy1966 and with @Derbee.
You could have said to her that by using £50 to feed you when your baby was little you were keeping yourselves alive in order to look after the newborn. The fact that she has such a warped opinion of how money should be spent is not your fault.
I think a conversation with your DH is in order now and you need to significantly reduce contact with this woman.

LovePoppy · 07/11/2019 19:04

@billy1966 is wise. Please listen to them

Secondly, stop accepting all gifts

Zaphodsotherhead · 07/11/2019 19:13

So where is FIL at Christmas when she's handing over this money and then taking it back? It can't come as news to him what she's doing, surely?

She is an utter utter cow. I'd use this conversation to cut all ties, but do explain to FIL (who at least sounds reasonable, if somewhat in her shadow) why.

Kaddm · 07/11/2019 19:14

Fucking hell - food that was desperately needed 😱

She’s acting like you went and bought yourself 20 different colours of nail varnish with that £100. What a weird nasty bitch.

Plus, if she knew her son and daughter in law were struggling to eat, she could have given you food/money. Christ what a wicked cow.

sarahC40 · 07/11/2019 19:15

What a nasty bitch your mil is. Hopefully your fil was horrified by what she said - if you do sort this out, she’ll probably find something else to find fault with or control...do you and your kids really want this in your lives?

violetbunny · 07/11/2019 19:43

If the story she told you was true, why give your DCs money at all then? Why not just buy them an actual item? Her story doesn't ring true.

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