He’s embarrassed of me isnt he ?

[sociallyanxious]

I have severe social anxiety. If I have to attend something I am stressed for days before and it gets worse then the occasion itself I am so shy I can’t really talk and it’s awful.
Afterwards I’m exhausted.

We don’t really go out much. There’s a family occasion coming up. Dh kept saying we can’t get out if it but offering things like he would just take the dc or go alone (his side of family).

I thought I’d try just for once to be ‘normal’ arranged a sitter. Thought he would be pleased but his face fell.

He told me he can’t put up with how I am. That we aren’t going
He’s embarrassed of me isnt he

I think that while a lot of people are making valid points, some are far from empathic regarding your pain and personal suffering. And I think it's commendable that you haven't written yourself off and want to keep trying.
Firstly, if people find you weird, welcome to the club 😁
When I was in my teens I hadn't the first clue about how to interact socially, and started to alcohol as a prop way too early. This just led to me doing more weird things.
I tried transactional analysis, CBT, counselling, hypnotherapy, did lots of my own reading and research etc. Also was prescribed medication, tried on different ones and varying doses.
What helped me was probably s combination of these things, plus a Recovery International group (Abraham Low Self Help System), I still use these tools today. If you suffer from anxiety and it's long term/chronic, it has become a physical disability in that it is now having a physiological impact. People would be horrified if family said 'I find it embarrassing to talk to her because she's in a wheelchair' but it's just as much of a disability.
Take the medication. You wouldn't hesitate if you needed medication for epilepsy or diabetes, so why this?
I've been on a dose that suits me now for over seven years, and it allows me not only to function socially/emotionally and professionally, but to do so in a vocation that is notoriously high stress and full on. It probably tool me 30 years to get here, so don't be disheartened x

You basically have a phobia, and I'm not sure anyone fully gets over them. If it is worms, or tadpoles, that is fairly easy to avoid, heights, less easy to avoid, your not on your own if it is spiders, but meeting people has got to be one of the worst, as avoidance is almost impossible. Don't beat yourself up over it, it does seem like Dh is sympathetic, maybe it would work if you said you are not able to go, but would see them all over the coming year individually. almost everybody has things they cannot deal with, it could be noises, lights, heights, even birds. The more you make yourself feel guilty, the more stressful the situation. Best Wishes YANBU

Propanolol isn't addictive or dependence inducing.

DP took them regularly at first and they reduced the physical sensations, enabling him to remain in or enter situations that he had previously felt unable to cope with. Once he had 'proved' to himself that he could do them, he kept on pushing his boundaries, sometimes doing them without taking the betablockers first, then taking them as the symptoms increased, then not taking them at all, etc.

Sometimes he goes weeks without taking them at all, sometimes he takes them regularly, sometimes just for a particular thing.

He's worked out from experience that they don't work well if he has alcohol (as though that wasn't written in the patient information leaflet already, but hey..), but he keeps a strip of them in his jacket 'just in case' and that works really well for him, as he always knows that if it starts feeling too much, he can take one and he'll start feeling better soon.

The other side effect of taking them is that he's actually been outside throughout the summer and has presumably topped up his vitamin D levels and got fresh air and sunlight, which also influence emotional states - you need to not be inside all the time for physical reasons as well.

Yes from childhood. I can’t remember not feeling this way it’s not like I was ok and something happened to put me off social situations I’ve just always felt like this.

I do know it must be an awful strain for Dh. I assume it’s like having another child ? Rather than an equal partner

Hi op just wanted to say I suffer from this too and it's so awful and debilitating. It's hard to explain how panicked you feel, it's like someone's suffocating you. I struggle to even look up at people, I can't talk, I stutter, I make my self look like a twat. I'm sure people think I'm incredibly rude even though I'm actually really nice. It's hard and awful and I really feel for you and just want to say your not alone in this.

OP

You have as much right to be here as anyone else on the planet.

How does it make you feel, reading that?

I would strongly recommend trying medication again, OP. I have less severe anxiety and also found that I needed to try a couple of types before I found that escitaloprám works for me.

As a PP said, you'd take medication for epilepsy or diabetics, so why not this? I wouldn't stress too much about side effects until you've actually tried some of those your doctor recommended. Not everyone has bad side effects - and if you do, try something else.
Honestly, it's better than continuing to live as you are. As you said, you're looking out on your life atm and it must be a huge strain on your DH.

That's one of the reasons I addressed my anxiety head on, I did it for myself AND my family. Wishing you all the best.

I think I was worried about being dependent on medication but Dh said if it allows me to do more then it’s a necessary and hopefully temporary dependency.

After two years, I might be somewhat dependent on my A-D's but honestly, I don't care! My quality of life is SO much better as I'm becoming the person I'm meant to be. Life is short, OP, and I'd rather have a happy, fulfilled existence with the help of medication than decades of anxiety. Just my twopence worth.

Yes from childhood. I can’t remember not feeling this way it’s not like I was ok and something happened to put me off social situations I’ve just always felt like this.

That’s an argument in favour of your anxiety being a symptom of something inherent - perhaps a neurological disorder like ASD spectrum disorders. As is the fact you described your experience of work as ‘overwhelming’.

I really think you need to discuss the whole thing with your GP, all the possible options mentioned here, explain how you are living, how much treatment you’ve had that hasn’t worked.

At the very least I think you need to rule ASD out.

The reason why this is important is that the treatment and approaches to your condition would be different depending on whether you’re on the spectrum, whether you have any underlying language difficulties that were never diagnosed, or simply a very extreme anxiety disorder alone.

Btw I’m not diagnosing you with anything, nor am I qualified to do so. My advice is to research and ask for guidance from professionals, not to come to any conclusions on your own.

Your life does sound very restricted and it will have impacted on DH and DC. I agree with the poster who said you are being very passive and have not been doing what the therapists have advised.

I would definitely recommend trying to get a referral for EMDR and for medication, read up on venlafalxine..... It has worked wonders with my anxiety along with EMDR.

Your children are suffering from your social anxiety, make no mistake. What are you adding to your marriage (when incapable of doing anything)?!

I hope you can follow through & get some help OP. A friend of mine has very severe anxiety which over the years led to her developing agoraphobia. The agoraphobia meant that she wasn't able to help her parents as they got older & also meant that she was incapable of attending her own mum's funeral - something she has intense regret about. She's also missed out on so much of her children's lives - she's taking steps to try and get better which is incredibly brave of her, but it's definitely a struggle. Know that you know you need help, please don't slip back into "Oh this is how I am and there's nothing to do about it." There are always things to try - it'll be frustrating, it'll be hard and it'll be scary. But it'll be rewarding as you do begin to get better.

Yes, I would come and meet you too. I am in the North West.

Why do you need a sitter if he was going to take the dc? He’s not ashamed of you but probably embarrassed of having to explain to his family why you are sitting silently in the corner. I hope you can get help for this. Do you work?

I was worried about being dependent on medication

This is a very common way to feel but it is, again, something to challenge. I'm on medication for life for a chronic condition. Should I stop taking it and make myself unwell, possibly risking my life, so that I'm not 'dependent on medication'? Of course not. It doesn't make you a better person not to be on medication, and certainly not if you need it to live your life fully.

Well said ShakeTheDisease

DD was on Fluoxetine for a couple of years. It helped give her the confidence to do things she had shied away from previously. Once she felt confident enough to know that she could eg order food, talk to strangers etc on a regular basis without the world collapsing she asked the doctor about reducing her dose so that she could stop completely. She no longer takes it.

I have a daughter mid 20s who suffers with social anxiety and OCD. This I noticed from about the age of 3 and over the years she has struggled.

For reasons I dont want to go into. We did discover that there was a reason however she doesn't remember.
There is always a reason or a trigger so please, you owe it to yourself to say "no more" as one person said, check everything ASD etc. Be afraid but do it anyway 😍 good luck x

'Your children are suffering from your social anxiety, make no mistake. What are you adding to your marriage (when incapable of doing anything)?!'

OMFG.
Why not just say 'Why are you bothering to exist' Otherwise what is the pointed of such a totally f*wit comment?

I am absolutely disgusted at lots of these comments on here. There's so much talk about the stigma around mental health and how there needs to be more understanding....and a woman comes on here and shares how she can't manage to control her condition and all she is told is what a terrible partner she is, how her DH is going to leave her and how she needs to pull herself together. You know what? Her self-esteem is low enough as it is. Not helpful, any of that. And also pretty bloody presumptuous too.

Don't bother @ me with replies telling me how wrong I am. I'm too pissed off with what I've read to talk to people who are judgemental and clearly don't have a fucking clue how debilitating severe anxiety is. The OP has suffered this since a teen. You don't reverse that simply by trotting along and meeting an enormous challenge the therapist sets you. You need intensive support to keep going and keep trying and sadly, the NHS is just not able to provide that. The services they deliver aren't sufficient because they're so desperately short of resources. Mental health services are basic, at best. OP has TRIED FFS. She went to therapy, had CBT, tried meds. She needs intensive help and support. It's not just about pulling yourself together.

Having said all of that OP, yes you absolutely need to try and get over this, but you need help. It's a big battle for you as it's so entrenched. And yes, while your DP may be very supportive he's also an enabler - he's probably so exhausted he's just taking the easiest route possible. I get why he is, but at the same time that's not going to help you take the steps you need to get better.

I absolutely second selective mutism. Maybe autism. Look into it and see what you think. I have a daughter with selective mutism and a son who's quite profoundly autistic. Neither of them could just "pull themselves" together despite what some vipers on here seem to believe.

What I think might help:

Meds
Hypnotherapy combined with CBT
Possibly EMDR
Potentially speech therapy

You might not get all of those on the NHS - are you in a position to pay privately? I'd especially recommend the hypnotherapy. It's not a magic wand but can help equip you with the right skills to feel able to tackle what you need to do.

The therapist was right, you do need exposure but when you're at such a low ebb it can feel impossible to ever be able to give it a go. To climb the mountain, you need to put your boots on first and I think hypnotherapy might be just the support you need. I'm not a hypnotherapist by the way haha! But I've had hypnotherapy for a different type of anxiety and it worked for me. Plus meds. You say you don't want to be dependent but you're already dependent on your DH....plus many meds aren't addictive these days anyway.

Sending you huge hugs. You know you have to tackle this and it won't be easy. Talk to your GP, see what they think about private treatment options too. When you're feeling more positive you might want to consider couples therapy with your DH too - only you can tell if that would help.

Just don't give up. I used to think of my children and how I wanted to do it for them, and it helped push me when times were hard. All the best x

@ExhaustedFlamingo best post on the whole damn thread. OP read this one.
And the earlier @heartsonacake who is right but slightly harsher.

As for the rest of you who have provided no practical advice , and have no personal experience of this , nice work telling a women with crippling mental health issues her husband will leave her, her children are damaged , she's selfish and all the rest.

Jesus Christ. OP I hope you are okay.

I have just had to join this site, in order to reply, as I am so angry at some of the posts. I have had social anxiety most of my life and can completely relate to a lot of what Sociallyanxious has written.
There are some good, helpful and caring replies, but the other replies are disgusting. Would you be asking @sociallyanxious about her sex life and other personal matters if she had a physical illness. Would you tell her that she was being unfair to her family and selfish if she had a physical illness? Probably not! but because mental illness is not viewed as physical illness is, some of you think it is ok therefore to write the crap that you are doing.
@sociallyanxious, I will send you a message. Please do not listen to some of the dreadful posts on here. Some people are just so ignorant about social anxiety and mental health related illness. There are some good posts that are helpful. I can relate to so much of what you wrote as I have had social anxiety since I was 10. I am now 54! I hate eating in front of other people too. What has helped me the most is online therapy - I have agoraphobia to an extent too - and Venfalaxine. Venlafaxine is used for social anxiety. It has helped me hugely to be able to talk with people without going red, to be able to look at them when they talk to me, and to not get a numb mouth, where I am almost unable to speak. I have not fully recovered but I am a lot better. I think I will always be socially anxious to an extent, but at least I am somewhat better, and so can you get better. I will message you later today. Please ignore the callous coments.

@Wakeupalready, You are so right in what you have written. I am disgusted at some of the comments, so much that I have joined this site at 2.45am, whilst unable to sleep. I feel sorry for @sociallyanxious and hope that she is not upset after reading some of the posts. I cannot believe what some people have written!

I have been in your dh position.... For 22 years.
He always wanted to go to the social occasion then couldn't cope while there and would want to leave. I spent my time on eggshells and afterwards the whole thing would be analysed and everyone else would have been at fault. It almost broke me and I ended up on the verge of a breakdown and on medication.

To get to an event taking dc on my own was a blessed release.

I don't wish to sound harsh but you are not the only one affected/suffering from your anxiety. Your children will not be unaware of how much easier it is if you don't go.

So sorry to say this, but it's better that you understand how it really is for others.

I’m ok I think I expected some harsh responses really, it’s a public forum and I suppose you’ll always get varying responses somewhere like this with so many people. It’s not nice to hear though but I’m trying to just read through and pick out the helpful advice of which there is a lot.

I’ve been awake for a while just trying to work through things again in my mind. Looking back at all the years of issues and complications and wondering how I approach this and what do I do or say or try.
I don’t want the dc to be affected they have enough to deal with and I don’t want to affect them and I don’t want Dh to leave me.

I think it will take a very long time but I don’t want to stay this distressed each day for the rest of my life about social situations

OP it sounds like you've live with thus very complicated condition as well as you can for as long and you can and now you're ready to make changes. I'll be honest, as I read the whole thread it screamed ASD to me too. I'm not an expect but I am autistic and recognise so much if what you have discussed, particularly about how other people perceive you. I really encourage you to investigate it.