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Original poster

He’s embarrassed of me isnt he ?

371 replies

sociallyanxious · 02/11/2019 16:25

I have severe social anxiety. If I have to attend something I am stressed for days before and it gets worse then the occasion itself I am so shy I can’t really talk and it’s awful.
Afterwards I’m exhausted.

We don’t really go out much. There’s a family occasion coming up. Dh kept saying we can’t get out if it but offering things like he would just take the dc or go alone (his side of family).

I thought I’d try just for once to be ‘normal’ arranged a sitter. Thought he would be pleased but his face fell.

He told me he can’t put up with how I am. That we aren’t going
He’s embarrassed of me isnt he

OP posts:

FelicisNox · 03/11/2019 19:35

I'm going to just say the thing you're not supposed to say:

He's not embarrassed but you are turning both of your lives into a battle ground and he's exhausted.

I'm not unsympathetic to your struggle and I wonder what you are doing in real terms to combat this problem I.e medication/therapy?

As someone who has mental health problems you need to own it or it owns you. It's ok to have a bad day or a bad week but you must NOT build a house and live in it. You must do everything in your power to get this problem under control and I mean you leave NO stone unturned.

You say you are exhausted and your only concern is he is embarrassed of you? What about how he feels? You say you want to try and be a normal person but booking a babysitter won't magically turn your life around and your DP knows this so why don't you?

You need to stay home and let him enjoy this event with your DC.

The fact is, living with anyone who has a long term MH problem is so draining and there needs to be occasions where he does things without you to retain his sanity.

If you've done everything on earth to help resolve your issues, fair enough, if not you need to get on it.

FelicisNox · 03/11/2019 19:36

Further to the above.... sympathy is one thing and I have that in spades but sometimes tough love is the way to go.

All the best.

SunshineCake · 03/11/2019 19:43

I'd be saying to him if he isn't allowing you to try how does he ever expect you to get better? .

Nicknacky · 03/11/2019 19:44

He has tried, he has tried for years!

something2say · 03/11/2019 19:46

So glad to read the clarity on this thread. I work with people who have mental health problems and for sure some do not want to do anything to get better. Some are chock full of excuses and defenses, shouting, crying, twisting things....anything to not be challenged. PIP assessments that say they must try to get back to work after say 6 years off are vilified and hated, but yet weeks and months go by and they are never seen, never get better and no one ever challenges this.

Tbh I am leaving because its frustrating and depressing and while some people are content to make it their lives, not me.

I was abused for 15 years. Think 'get undressed NOW!!!!' and violence, humiliation, shaming etc. Hitting my growing boobs at 13. Laughing at anything I said.

As a teen I developed social anxiety but didnt know. I just had to get over it. I watched others, I tried, I failed and cried and started again. Now I am a whizz and much better. But it took work.

So I am happy to hear normal people recommending hard work and struggle because some things in life take exactly that.

Mylifesadrama · 03/11/2019 19:46

My husband suffers with extreme social anxiety too. He is happy for me to attend functions etc without him. On the few occasions that he has been brave and come with me, I’ve found it quite difficult, as I’ve spent the whole time worrying about him, and if he is ok, and have ended up having to leave early. I’ve not been able to enjoy myself. I really do wish I could have him by my side enjoying himself, but we both know it’s not going to happen, and I don’t want to put him through it. . In fact to be totally honest I’d rather he didn’t come with me now as it’s extremely difficult on him and awkward for everyone else. I’m sure your husband doesn’t want to put you through it either, and knows how much you struggle.

sofato5miles · 03/11/2019 19:49

He's not embarrassed, he is frustrated about having social events dictated by your mental health.

Let him go and enjoy himself instead of controlling him.

Then work on your issues away from social events. You don't have to attend. But try and find some peace. You honestly do not need the drama.

Jack80 · 03/11/2019 20:09

You need to speak to him and ask him why he said what he said, it is probably because he feels awkward that you feel uncomfortable. Could family not come to you then you may feel better

Original poster

sociallyanxious · 03/11/2019 20:12

I’ve had a day to think and talk to Dh. I’m considering taking the propranolol the gp had previously given and then trying something that usually makes me anxious to see if it helps or not
I think I was worried about being dependent on medication but Dh said if it allows me to do more then it’s a necessary and hopefully temporary dependency

OP posts:

Carabello · 03/11/2019 20:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Motherofasleepaphobe · 03/11/2019 20:17

I’m sorry you feel like you’ve been written off - I’m sure that’s not what your husband was meaning

But really do you not think he’d been trying to tell you this from the beginning? He’s offered to take the DC or go alone, I’m sure he’s saying he just needs to “show his face” to downplay it for you, In all likelihood if he took the kids he’d be there afew hours spending time with his family
If you go you’ve already said you would “manage” an hour - I expect he’s just not wanting the stress of “managing” through the hour knowing you’re not enjoying yourself (and him not even having the opportunity to)
Sorry OP but I think I’d be sitting this one out, let him take the DC and spend afew hours enjoying yourself/having a bath/relaxing at home

LIZS · 03/11/2019 20:18

How long ago were you prescribed it? Might be worth visiting gp first. Often takes a while to have an effect too.

TatianaLarina · 03/11/2019 20:22

Propraonol really just blocks the action of adrenaline on your beta receptors. It may help temper some of the worst physical symptoms of anxiety but that’s all. It’s used to lower blood pressure thus that is one of its side effects.

You need way more help than medication alone can give.

I have no idea what the root of your troubles are but from the info you’ve given here I’d recommend you read up on ASD spectrum in women and also selective mutism as others have suggested. See if you can see yourself in any of that, and if so go and talk to a doctor about the whole picture.

IndieTara · 03/11/2019 20:28

Op any meds you take won't work instantly, you need to give it a good few weeks to get into your system

Symptomless · 03/11/2019 20:33

Propranolol will help with the physical symptoms, I found propranolol combined with hypnotherapy very effective. Cbt as well, in terms of continuous baby steps etc.

Drum2018 · 03/11/2019 20:34

I think you should try an event nearer home first and build up to things further away. It's not fair on your Dh if you go to this family event and then want to leave after 10 minutes. At least if it's something nearer home you can go home and he can stay.

Lifebi · 03/11/2019 20:34

I'm just curious about your family background.
Are you an only child, if not, do your siblings suffer from anxiety?
Did your parents talk to you about when it started or did you always have problems speaking?
What sort of relationship did you have with your parents, was there any affection or warmth?

ApricotCrush · 03/11/2019 20:38

Propranolol works within half an hour. I used to take it for situations at work which gave me panic attacks. It worked for me. Do give it a try.

quietheart · 03/11/2019 20:39

My DH has extreme social anxiety, he has APD. He takes medication, he works so he is not as restricted as you are. Social events are very difficult for him including the run up to them.

If I can just tell you how it feels for me then maybe you could understand how your DH face fell and realise that he is not embarrassed. To be clear I love my DH and support him so this is not to make you feel bad as I am sure your DH loves and supports you.

For me it starts with the invite or even a possible invite because I know my DH will struggle. Depending on the event I sometimes decline, not even mentioning it to my DH. I have sacrificed some good times due to this. Other times I usually give him the option of not going. I am usually apprehensive about his reaction when we get an invite.

There are some events where he really needs to be there and the run up is awful, this can be days or even weeks. Often by the time we get there I am no longer looking forward to it because the emotional strain is just too much. I can not relax and let my hair down, I always have one eye on him or I am concerned how he is coping and I am on some sort of silent alert. We always have to leave early.

For this reason I sometimes go alone or with other people. I can't tell you how liberating this is for me to be able to relax and be myself. That sounds so bad doesn't it? But we have talked about this and if I didn't go out without him I would be a lonely woman. I usually stay for the full event and don't cut it short if I am not with him. So sometimes my face may fall if he suddenly decided to come.

Be careful when you research online, go to see your GP, get a second opinion if you need to and don't be afraid of trying medication, it may take a few goes to get it right but it can help.

Good Luck

LifeImplosionImminent · 03/11/2019 20:43

From my own personal experience, I reckon your husband is probably suffering just as much as you are with your anxiety (I find it really hard to live with some days) - if he doesn't want to have to deal with the fall out for one night I say give him a break. He might not embarrassed, he could just be exasperated.

RubbingHimSourly · 03/11/2019 20:44

I don't think you're being fair to him.........and I don't think you realise how much another persons anxiety or mental illness consumes absolutely everybody else.

A party or function isn't the right place to be working on yourself, let your husband have a night off and start small, work on ordering food or drinks at a bar and go from there.

YouokHun · 03/11/2019 20:49

I see you’re in London OP. It might therefore be possible to get a referral to the Maudsley which has an outstanding anxiety unit. It might be worth asking your GP. @heartsonacake is absolutely right and I think you need further CBT. If you can manage private therapy have a look at www.cbtregisteruk.com/ which contains the names of BABCP accredited CBT therapists. IAPT (NHS talking therapies) can have long waiting lists and offer 6-12 sessions which is a bit restrictive. I’m a CBT therapist and honestly it is possible to recover and/or substantially improve your quality of life. CBT is the right (evidenced based) approach. At the moment the very thing you think helps you (avoidance) is the biggest maintainer of your problem, but it is possible to restructure your thinking and change your behaviour. It takes work but it is possible.

NettieF · 03/11/2019 20:52

Try the propanolol. Take it only before stressful events. About half an hour before as previously suggested.

Celestine70 · 03/11/2019 20:55

Have you considered you might be autistic it often goes undiagnosed in women. Also look up highly sensitive person / empaths.

Carrieonanyway · 03/11/2019 20:57

Hi again
Do you remember when this started? Is it from childhood?

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