He’s embarrassed of me isnt he ?

[sociallyanxious]

I have severe social anxiety. If I have to attend something I am stressed for days before and it gets worse then the occasion itself I am so shy I can’t really talk and it’s awful.
Afterwards I’m exhausted.

We don’t really go out much. There’s a family occasion coming up. Dh kept saying we can’t get out if it but offering things like he would just take the dc or go alone (his side of family).

I thought I’d try just for once to be ‘normal’ arranged a sitter. Thought he would be pleased but his face fell.

He told me he can’t put up with how I am. That we aren’t going
He’s embarrassed of me isnt he

What you are going through is really awful and can take years upon years upon years to even get a handle on things and even then you will probably always struggle with it.Do you get panic attacks and claustrophobia as well,It can affect absolutely every part of your life,I hope you find a way that will someway work for you to make life easier

This sounds so difficult for everyone.

It comes across that you want to work, but I don't know how that could be possible right now. You'd likely have to get through interviews and very few jobs allow you to operate in total isolation, even if you're self employed. Maybe it could be your end goal?

Totally agree that achievable, consistent baby steps are what's needed. Garden, shop, eating with dh. Nailing all of those would immediately enrich your life imo.

This sounds a really tough and exhausting way to live and you and your family deserve so much more.

Is there anyway you could attend therapy as a couple? Your DH needs to know how to help you help yourself I think. By doing everything he does he is removing the need for you to tackle anything. I totally can see why he does it - it spares you the torment, it gets the jobs done without trauma and the nitty gritty of life is a bit easier. But often if we can fall back we will fall back on someone. It’s far easier to let someone else carry out everyday life tasks than to challenge ourself to do them ourselves when they are so painful to handle.

But the only way you can overcome this is by doing the things that feel impossible. The more you do them the less scary they will become. By not tackling anything it confirms that these things are indeed too risky and difficult to do. This becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.

But rather than trying to tackle this yourselves I think you could benefit from some very prescriptive therapy with tasks set for you that are non-negotiable. They need to be achievable and practiced until they feel ‘ordinary’. It won’t be easy but it can be done. There needs to be less thinking and more doing I reckon.

My late DM had crippling general anxiety and it affected us all terribly. It meant I never got surgery I needed and missed masses of school which limited my life choices. We grew up fearful as we had had the example set to us that life outside our own street was something terrifying. My father was resentful and impatient and it was all just so stressful and everything a drama. We have more awareness of the awfulness of anxiety and more ways of helping people overcome it now. Please don’t accept this is your life from now on. You aren’t likely to turn into a massive party animal but I truly think life doesn’t have to be this hard and limiting. You will have to be tough on yourself and put yourself in uncomfy situations but they will start to be less petrifying the more you do.

@suggestionsplease1 be realistic. OP would not have succeeded in this event. That's not being negative. It's just the reality.

And it would've been another event ruined for her DH. There is no hope in hell starting at large events. If Op is serious about her recovery then she needs to pro actively see a dr and follow their advice.

It's hampering the family and he wanted to go alone so he could relax and have a good time, rather than babysitting you, which I assume he has to do otherwise.

Don't take this harshly, that's the reality.

You need to access the help suggested by PPs.

His life, and yours doesn't sound much fun. His by the fact he is married to you.

The first video is on autism in girls and the second video is on selective mutism, they are both fantastic videos and I believe you will see a great deal of yourself and your day to day struggles in both videos

I'm a speech and language therapist, and it sounds to me like you have had selective mutism for a very long time, that has gone untreated, so is very ingrained now, alongside other more generalised social anxiety. Your main fears seem to centre around the act of speaking to people, that is why I say this. Treatment for SM is similar to other phobias - gradual and agreed exposure, but it will be a long road and you will need to work hard at it, perhaps alongside medication and other therapy for your anxiety. Your husband has been very supportive, but he has also enabled you and unconsciously allowed this to get worse. A specialist SLT (I should think you will need to go private) or a psychologist with special knowledge in this area will be able to help you. I think Propanolol could be helpful for the first few times you try to speak in a controlled way in front of someone (maybe your friend). Opening up about the full extent of your problems to your friend could be very helpful. Good luck.

@sociallyanxious a few posters above have mentioned selective mutism above and I agree it sounds like that. My 17 yr old daughter has had it since she was 2 and has never been able to speak in a school environment. Even out of school she really struggles and finds it so difficult to communicate. She's says it's like she knows what she wants to say but she can't physically say it, like her vocal cords are frozen. I'm currently pushing for a psychology referral as school have always just accepted it without offering any help. Speaking therapies have not helped as she is unable to speak to therapists. Please look up Selective Mutism and hopefully by understanding it it will help your husband understand you aren't doing this on purpose.

@sociallyanxious my heart is breaking for you. Your life is getting smaller because of your anxiety. You have had some excellent advice on this thread, even if some of it has been a little harsh. Please take this advice and start making life better for you and your family.

@Contraceptionismyfriend I disagree.

It sounds like OP has made a very determined effort on this occasion, and pulled out all the stops to try to get herself to a place where she can face social events and move on. She has arranged a babysitter, she has picked out what she wants to weat...she had spent a lot of time and head space preparing for something she knows will be hard for her. And then she is met with the language her OP 'can't put up with' how she is. That is horrible language to use about your partner (granted, I don't know if that's an actual quote from him, but it is presented as such)

When you have been unwell for many years, and you find yourself at a point in time when you feel you can overcome it, and you identify the steps that you can take and make plans and hold out that hope for change for yourself, and then someone's face visibly drops when you are expressing that hope that you can finally, after all those years, do this....no, that is not good.

If DH had any concerns he should have said 'OP, I am so happy that you are trying to step outside of your comfort zone, you have no idea what this means to me, that you are trying to overcome something I know has been so very hard for you and has affected us both'. I think this occasion will be very hard for you so I don't want you to feel overwhelmed immediately. Can we do something tomorrow together so that we can take those steps together to help you feel more confident when you are out, and then perhaps something again a couple of days after".

He should have seized the opportunity to support her. He should have identified appropriate steps to accompany her on her journey towards better health.

He should never have said he 'can't put up' with how she is.

wear...not weat

For the sake of yourself & your family please get some help. Try therapy and medication again.

@suggestionsplease1

I think it's very unfair for you to vilify OPs husband for one comment considering how supportive he's been for years. He literally does everything for OP. OP's husband's comment has actually sparked OP into creating a thread (albeit for a different reason), but with the comments here she might actually change.

If one comment results in OP getting her life back and DH/the kids having their mum back... I think it will have been the best thing he ever did.

Let's give him credit where it's due. Carers are never given enough credit. They are society's heroes.

@suggestionsplease1 how exactly is she pull out all the stops?
She can't even speak to the woman who collects her children from school everyday in her home but you think she could go to a big social gathering?
It would be a disaster.

He doesn't have to say anything of that toddle.

This is a man with a full time job, solely caring for the needs of his children constantly and also having that massive emotional burden of having to deal with OPs issues. He has done more than enough.

He doesn't have to hold her hand anymore and he doesn't have to sacrifice anymore social events.
OP now needs to seek professional help. Which it looks like she is doing. She would not have gotten better on her own.

And finally. Why shouldn't he have said that?! What about his emotional needs?! When does his MH come into play?

When he's packing up his and the children's belongings and leaving the OP because he is done?

I think I'm reading a different thread to some people. Are people reading OP's pure words as there seems to be some building in of supportive actions from OH that we haven't actually directly heard about?

OP said she was happy when she was thinking about going to this event. That parade was rained on. Be careful not be a prisoner in your own home OP. - whether it is of your own making or whether others are also enabling this.

None of us here know what is really going on, but if you are ready to take steps engage with others who will help you take those steps.

We have had a conversation about it and she says he didn’t mean to come across how he did and could have phrased it better he said he just can’t cope seeing me getting more and more stressed in the run up to something but he does think we need to sort this out somehow.
I’ve done the online form for talking therapy. I’m going to research selective mutism because it sounds so much like what I experience that I know what I need to say and the thoughts and words are there but the connection to my voice is gone and I literally cannot do it I thought it was just anxiety I didn’t realise there was a name for it

Being realistic about someone's abilities is not raining on a parade. OP wouldn't have coped. That's a fact. She is now doing great work in starting to work towards a solution but that will take months if not years and intensive support from professionals.

Her husband is not a professional in this subject as far as I'm aware. As such would be no where near equipped with dealing with OPs issues. But telling her not to go to the event was the right call. For everyone's sake.

How did you get together with your DH?

Did you have a wedding?

Any coping techniques you used then which you could employ now?

I really feel for you and your family op, there’s some fantastic advice on here.
I understand exactly how you feel, I was an anxious child, I never ‘clicked’ with other children and couldn’t ever relax in anybody’s company other than my own. I’m so self conscious I’ve never even danced, not even alone in the house by myself. As a child I had rituals that I had to follow or I thought something bad would happen. I’m an only child so I guess my DM had no other child to compare my unusual behaviour to.
During pregnancy and after I had DD my anxiety and OCD traits ramped up, I’ve noticed that hormones play havoc with my mental health, could this be the issue with you, has it got worse since you had your baby?
I eventually had a breakdown at the age of 24, I was put on the SSRI Seroxat, it worked brilliantly for me because it’s a sedating antidepressant, I gained a few pounds but my social anxiety virtually disappeared. I could eat out without my throat closing up, the hot flushes of panic and shaking hands.
Miracle drug for me. I’ve also been having some private therapy for the last year, talking therapy is tough but I feel I’m getting somewhere.
Nobody understands how crippling anxiety can be unless they suffer it themselves. It’s completely irrational.
Good luck op, wishing you the strength to beat it and live a normal life with your DH and DC.

so it’s just how I am ?

As soon as you think that, OP, that’s you having given up, because mentally you think that’s just how you are and you can’t change it.

As long as you think that, you will never get better.

Well you can, and you need to change your thinking too. You need a new perspective and you need to look at your situation completely differently.

And it’s not ridiculous to think you can work in two years.

As I said earlier, I was housebound fo nearly a decade with social anxiety, but with a lot of work on my part and pushing myself into awkward and uncomfortable situations through CBT on the NHS, I was fully recovered and working full time in about eight months. After 10 years of not leaving the house.

So yes, it can be done. If you push yourself.

I've just read this whole thread and my heart aches for you and your family OP, what a shitty way to live. Please, go to the GP on Monday for an emergency appointment and get yourself some non-SSRI meds that will help to calm your anxiety (eg benzos, beta blockers). They WILL NOT fix you, but they will make it easier for you to take the steps necessary to fix yourself. You may wait a long time on lists to get talk therapy, don't let that be wasted time. You need to talk with your husband, make a list of all the tasks / interactions he has taken over to spare you the stress, and starting with the lesser ones, start taking them back. The task needs to be small enough to be achievable, but with enough consequence and importance that you are under some pressure to fulfil it.
This is not who you intrinsically are. This is who you have become, over time, as each little issue has been left to fester, and mitigated around rather than dealt with. You can change. You just have to be prepared to feel really, really uncomfortable, with the knowledge that every time after that will be a little less awful, until it's not awful anymore at all.

I’m going to research selective mutism ... I thought it was just anxiety I didn’t realise there was a name for it

Can I gently caution against leaping too quickly on MN diagnoses when you're feeling vulnerable? Armchair physicians are common on here with some conditions being more fashionable than others, and while it's great to share, it's often best to leave these things in the hands of professionals

The crucial thing is that you make the first step towards requesting help, and hopefully you're getting closer to that with every post ... I wish you nothing but the best in getting it

You say you have sex issues, are you and your h affectionate?

How about proposing an exit strategy for the party?
Ie you will go and if you panic you will go out and sit in the car with a book, go and sit in a nearby pub etc. So he isn't dragged away and you show you have planned how to deal.
I did a week of sort of aversion therapy to social eating out. Ate out every day for 2 weeks starting with low risk places like macdonalds, then cheap chains like Pizza Hut, then posher ones then leading up to fancy lunch somewhere.
I knew by then that the panic does die down after a bit, one can't be panic mode for ages as your body can't sustain it. Distraction techniques gets you through the initial worse of it. Much better now for most day to day stuff - I'd probably still be nervous at fancy lunch with business clients.

I felt happy I thought he wanted me to go I have taken it for granted for a long time he just goes I don’t but clearly I do want to change as I felt flattered enough to try to surprise him that I’d got a sitter and had mentally chosen what to wear etc and worked the whole thing out

But Op you'd only worked it out for yourself