He’s embarrassed of me isnt he ?

[sociallyanxious]

I have severe social anxiety. If I have to attend something I am stressed for days before and it gets worse then the occasion itself I am so shy I can’t really talk and it’s awful.
Afterwards I’m exhausted.

We don’t really go out much. There’s a family occasion coming up. Dh kept saying we can’t get out if it but offering things like he would just take the dc or go alone (his side of family).

I thought I’d try just for once to be ‘normal’ arranged a sitter. Thought he would be pleased but his face fell.

He told me he can’t put up with how I am. That we aren’t going
He’s embarrassed of me isnt he

Well done OP on referring yourself. Please also make an app't to see your GP and get some medication too. Write a letter or email yourself, or if DP will go with you as an advocate do that.

I've suffered MH issues and a combination of therapy and medication brought me back to myself. You will need to really take on board what they advise though, even when it's out with your comfort zone but it's the only way to get better.

You have an opportunity to really change your life

Goodness, I really feel for your DH.

I think if you are struggling to go into your own garden, go out to get bread, eat in front of your DH, have sex or even pick your own children up from school (I am amazed you have found someone prepared to collect and bring home two children from school to your house every single day!), you need to go to the GP and see what medication might help.

Your children will grow up thinking this is normal if you don’t take some proactive steps.

Op, I have severe OCD and while this isn’t the same the treatment can be. Small exposure to start with, and keep going with it. Anxiety doesn’t keep going up and up, it peaks and tails off. The trick is to allow it to peak so you realise yourself that it will always diminish. I couldn’t use the Northern line on the tube. I started by walking by the station. First time awful, but more I did it the less it was. Then walked into station, kept going until anxiety abated. Then went through barriers, same process leading up to now where it isn’t a problem. I had loads of things I did to appease the ocd. Now I look back and can’t believe how I used to live. The freedom is worth the initial feelings. Once you prove yourself with one thing, tackling others are much easier.

OP, just to say don't lose hope - while your anxiety may be currently more extreme than most people here have experienced, there are many of us who have what we have found to be debilitating anxiety that has been helped incredibly with medication. Take it one step at a time.

Just wanted to wish you all the best Op. It will be tough but go to the doctors and get help. You deserve so much more than this life. Please don’t accept this you and your family can be so much happier with some professional help

I also want to say that while I have never had your level of anxiety, it was a massive revelation to me to realise that people aren't looking at me or judging me all the time, and I just stopped caring what other people thought. With that came the confidence to be able to chat to strangers etc.

Seriously, you aren't as important to these "judgemental people" as you think you are. In all probability they haven't noticed you and won't care what you look like/say/do.

I have anxiety, now able to do things that I couldn't a year ago with the help of an NHS service called Talk plus. Over the phone sessions and they sent out, via email, coping strategies that have helped massively! See if your local area have access to Talk Plus or something similar. If not I suggest trying what has helped me the most. If in a situation that triggers anxiety, focus on a single spot maybe a pin on someone jumper if talking to someone if they know about your anxiety or if not and you want to feign eye contact their eyebrow. It has helped so much! I am now able to hold a conversation and not so much trying to crawl further into the wall or corner

perhaps, this is the situation to try? Sit down and plan what is the situation that would meet the goal to be social that includes a safe space for you and your husband. He wants to see his family, but not be limited. Speak to the people who will be there or limit the numbers. start small but most important you manage it.

OP I feel some posters on here are being a bit harsh. I really feel for you and I understand that you may feel stupid for having sorted the babysitter etc and then your DH didn’t seem to want you to go. He probably wants things to change as much as you do, and that’s a good thing, but maybe he just doesn’t know how this function will work out. I doubt he’s written you off but maybe he feels helpless to help you. If you’re seeking help with your anxiety that’s a great thing, I’ve had horrible anxiety and have also shut myself away and not attended social events, some even in my own home ... It can get better, wishing you all the best.

I’d say too to be wary of armchair psychologists, but I too am wondering if a diagnosis of social anxiety is a cause of your feelings and behaviour, or a symptom of something else. If it’s something else it may require different treatment or therapies to the ones you’ve been getting. It’s worth thinking about. Sending good wishes to you and your family. x

Hi, I understand that it must be exhausting living with social anxiety. I'm just wondering if there are other things that bother you in addition to that?

The poster who is a speech and language therapist can’t really be dismissed as an armchair psychologist.

Op, I also think to be fair to your husband and children here that you need to take baby steps first. You need to get to the stage that you can go out and do normal things, like grab a coffee, go for dinner etc, take the kids on the school run before you launch yourself at a full blow family event. That would be deeply unfair on everyone. Including you. As the event would then be all about you.

So start small. Try to achieve something each day, have goals. But going big to start with doesn't seem an ideal plan to me, and I can see why your husband would be concerned by the idea

By the sounds of everything you have already tried, maybe ACT therapy might be helpful - acceptance and commitment therapy. Given how hard you have tried and how much you have had to give up for it, there is still hope. ACT might help you to still do the things which are important to you even while feeling anxious. It’s different from CBT. The founder of the therapy himself had very hard to treat social anxiety. If therapy is too expensive, this might be helpful www.amazon.com/Mindfulness-Acceptance-Workbook-Anxiety-Shyness-ebook/dp/B00CSCO1RG?tag=mumsnetforu03-21. Good luck

Yabu thinking of the children 1st they kind of deserve some happy unfettered socialising. Try small settings and grow. I do feel for you but worry about kids unconsciously picking things up. Parent that 'hate' maths oft have a child who believes it. Same with fear of lightning or spiders.
Good luck

I can't go on the tube. Partners family were meeting somewhere we could have driven. He decided it's easier to go on the tube, it probably is. They all got wet in the rain. Good

Is this a name change fail?

And why is it good they got wet?

@Nicknacky I assume that bellringer was resentful at the partner's lack of understanding, and insistence that the tube was his preferred mode of transport and that the getting wet was a kind of "serves you right"?

Lobster No, I get that she thinks “serves you right” but I’m just confused as to who that poster is unless it’s a name change fail.

@sociallyanxious I am so sorry that things are so difficult for you. I understand other posters saying how difficult it must be for your DH but It must be beyond difficult for you and It makes me want to hug you and tell you things can get better!

I think you sound like you want to improve things and it must have been very upsetting to go to the effort you did and then realise he didn’t want you to go.
Things that have been a part of you for such a long time will be hard to change but they are possible! Other people need to be empathetic and understanding too though and it will be so hard to even work out who you click with and who you don’t ect when your anxiety levels are so high so maybe starting with your friend that you text and that does the drop offs would be a good idea? (Quality over quantity anyway!) That way you could even invite her into your home and do it at your pace ect.
Just keep reminding yourself the threat you feel is just your anxiety and it’s not real. Maybe you could text to say how you expect to feel before hand, I expect she’ll understand and be delighted to be invited in!
I think the shop sounds like a great idea and build it up slowly. Rome wasn’t built in a day as they say!
Regarding the garden could you get a gazebo? Or a large umbrella that you could sit underneath while outdoors if your fear is the neighbours seeing you? If not I apologise for assuming/guessing.
It will be harder if you’re only doing this for others but maybe try writing a list down of the reasons you’d like to do this for yourself aswell so you have solid reasons that it’s something worth fighting for for yourself aswell as everyone around you. Some would work all around for example... i want to do this for my children so they can enjoy things with their mum. This will also work as I want to do this for myself so I can enjoy things with my children (No judgement at all by the way but I’m sure it would make you all happier.)

Well done for self referring, maybe this time is the time and maybe you’re ready now! Sometimes we have to force ourselves to do the difficult things and eventually they become easier!

But I wanted to try

At a family event, where if you have an anxiety attack he will have to deal with that, with nosy relatives with making sure DC were ok. I don’t blame him for not wanting that.

My dad has anxiety attacks. Mum wanted to take DD 10 on a trip that involved airports, and trains and a theatre trip along with some sightseeing. I said not a chance. They were both full of “oh it’ll be fine” and “we’d like to try” but I said no. I would go with them.

We weren’t even at the airport before the first attack happened. 3 more before the trip was through. I was able to take DD away whilst she calmed him down and got him through it. The trip was great, we all really enjoyed it, but if they had been alone, mum would have had to so it her focus and it would have been a disaster.

She hates going to parties with him because she can’t just relax and have fun.

If you want to try, try somewhere nobody knows you.

If you even struggle to go into your garden with your DC, is there some agoraphobia involved too?

It sounds so difficult but there must be some help out there for you.