Feeling ashamed of how I handled a situation with my daughter this morning

[expatinspain]

I really lost my temper with DD 10 this morning and am feeling awful about it. She ended up really upset and at the time I was angry, but now I'm upset too.

She is just a nightmare with being messy and it drives me insane. This morning it came to a head. We've tried rewards, talking and punishments, but it always seems to end up the same after improving for a while. She's a procrastinator in the mornings and I seem to spend my mornings like a drill Sargent trying to get her out of the door on time. All she has to do in an hour and 15 mins is get dressed, brush her hair and teeth, eat breakfast, make her bed and leave her room in a semi organised state.

She leaves her pyjamas screwed up in a ball on the floor, even though she gets her clothes ready the night before, she puts on different things or tries on different coats and leaves the things she's not wearing screwed up at the bottom of the wardrobe or on the floor hidden, only to be discovered days later. Some of these are new things or just washed. She also spends the morning answering back and arguing about anything and everything or telling me last minute.com about papers she needs signed for school etc.

After a particularly bad morning I went into her room and found a brand new coat screwed up at the end of the bed, stuff on her bed that she'd just covered with the duvet that she couldn't be bothered to put away and I lost my temper. She argued with me and I took everything and threw it in a massive pile on the floor and made her put everything away neatly and really told her off. She was close to tears and really shocked, and she ended up 5 minutes late for school and me rushing to work stressed and upset too.

I will apologise later as I acted out of frustration and it wasn't my finest hour. If anyone has any advice up offer on how to handle things better, it would be very welcome. It's like Groundhog Day every day and I'm so fed up, but don't want to overreact like that again. I've just upset her and myself as I was so pissed off and really shouted at her. Acting in anger is never the best way and I'm not teaching her anything.

If it was me, I would apologise for the shouting and making her late for school but not for what you actually said or did, which seems entirely justified just not very well timed. It might be the shock she needs, indeed she may even apologise for her behaviour and promise to do better.

But, if not, you need to find an incentive that she cares about. So DS12 is quite messy and like your DD appears to have no concept of folding/hanging. He now has responsibility for putting away his clothes - I wash/iron and leave them on his bed for him to put away, which he does (sometimes needing reminders though). But he tends to shove them in rather than neatly laying them flat in the drawer, but I take it as a victory that he at least puts them away. Problem is, he doesn't care about clothes. If I didn't wash or iron them, he'd just wear them as they were. So any incentives would have to be around what he cares about (playing on the PS4, food, his soft toys). Whereas if I told DD14 that if she didn't put away/tidy I wouldn't buy her any new clothes in the future, she would be distraught and do it straight away (but luckily doesn't need telling as she's the tidy one).

Don't feel guilty, we all lose it sometimes. Try to agree an action plan with DD, eg "if you want to get all that stuff out in the mornings, you'll have to get up 5 mins earlier so you can put it away before school", or "How about a rule where you never have more than 2/3/4 items of clothing out but unworn?" or "I'm trusting this not to happen again, if it does I will be throwing out your favourite top / banning you from your tablet / ... If you show me you can do it for a month then I'll buy you a new top / take you bowling / ...".

Clothes on the floor:

Also make lots of extra work and waste time searching as you can’t find what you need and don’t know what’s clean or not. = stress!

My DS was like this, I often lost my temper, I was just so fed up with the mess & the lack of respect. I’d like to say it gets better but not sure it always does, I once said to him something like ‘I seem to have spent the last 18 years asking you to tidy your room every single day. . He’s now at uni and my home is back to being calm and tidy!

Surely the coat is hers, so if she wants to leave it screwed up on the floor, that's her choice? Yes, she will look crumpled, but, again that's for her to learn Yes, it's hers, but we don't have a lot of money and work hard to give her nice things. I think teaching the value of things is worthwhile and not just saying a child can break/do whatever they want because it's theirs is a good life lesson.

Poor girl sad I think an apology is in order.
No apology, maybe you getting mad will shock her into action.
Apologise to a disrespectful rude child? No wonder there’s so many lazy entitled brats.
Hopefully she’s had a fright and will respect her mum now. Good luck OP

OP, I'm sorry but I don't see what you did wrong. So you made a pile of her things and made her pick them up, more or less... big deal. I was super untidy as a teenager. Drove my mother mental. She threatended me by chucking everything in a skip, not in the middle of a room. So your daughter is lucky. But there was order in my untidiness, iyswim. I knew where everything was. I grew out of it. You are her mother, not her friend. You have stated a reasonable boundary and expect her to keep to it most of the time. Give yourself a break.

CornedBeef451 you have described, in detail, my exact approach to all this.

I’m often found saying “I am nit responsible for every item in this house and I don’t enjoy cleaning, tidying and putting away laundry any more than you do quit whingeing”.

The problem is that: a) If they get into a habit of leaving clothes on the floor in their room, they will inevitably start doing the same all over the house out of sheer habit b) you can't clean properly in a room when there is stuff everywhere. This is already happening! There are things left in most rooms. Unfortunately it's not just the bedroom that's the problem!! Towels on the floor in the bathroom, books and pens in the living room where she's been drawing, small toys everywhere, shoes left where she takes them off etc.

I'm all for apologising to children when you're wrong but you're not. This is unacceptable and would drive me crazy (I'm the most neat & organised person). She's 10, she needs to be responsible for things that have costed money.

If you frightened her, I would apologise for that, but absolutely follow up with why you lost your shit. And of course the old chestnut that we still love them, even if we’ve lost our tempers.... I”m a little baffled by both the OP, and the responses, but realise that everyone has different ideas, and limits. I suppose my two don’t have enough clothes to make such a mess, and i’ve done a load of incentive stuff up til now, and eldest is very like me, it gets really messy and then HE loses his shit with it all and cleans up. Youngest has other issues, so Im’ kind of grateful if he’s even got himself dressed. Horrible when you feel you’ve some how crossed a line, but sounds as if it will have worked!

If 1 hour and 15 minutes isn't enough time then can't you get her up earlier?

We’ve all been there op, I’ve done it and felt bad. I actually do think you should apologise as you lost your temper, and it doesn’t do kids any harm to know that adults get it wrong sometimes, and that’s adults can be in the wrong too.
How about a weekly list, with a job for every day?

My 12YO DD is a whirlwind of chaos and leaves a trail of mess wherever she goes, whilst I need order and tidiness to function. I have had to lower my expectations massively so that our relationship is not damaged forever.

biscuitsdisappear I was thinking that, but like another poster says, that is just more time to procrastinate. An hour and fifteen mins is so much time to eat, get dressed, clean teeth and brush hair. I could do that in about 15mins!!

There are some really good suggestions on here. Thank you .

This sounds exactly like my 13 year old and it doesn't get any easier no matter how many times I've told her to tidy up so now I just leave her to it and close her door so I don't have to look at it and if she can't find anything it's her own fault

My 11 yo dd is getting better with the tidiness in her bedroom but huffs and puffs about anything in the house as if she’s suddenly Dobby. I’m talking about occasional unstacking the dishwasher etc. You’ll be pleased to know clothes get easier in secondary as uniform is much more rigid. Cardigans, ties and jumpers come from an approved uniform shop and maybe also the trousers / skirts and blazers if these are compulsory.

Last Sunday I had one of those moments too. I didn’t apologise to dd. It was in part aimed at dh as he is just totally oblivious to what dd Is doing. His default is he’s not responsible as I’m around. Drives me insane! They both needed a rocket up their arse Instead of me carrying the mental load. And they got it.

THe combination of untidiness and attitude is her age I'm afraid -the teenage years start ever earlier.... I think it was a good thing that you snapped this morning as she has found her boundary with you. DOn't apologise but do sit her down and explain how disrespectful you have found her behaviour.

I would also use this as an opportunity to change the way you operate in the mornings. Tell her that at 10 she is now old enough to get herself up and dressed etc in the morning and so she will be leaving the house at the normal time in the morning regardless of her state of cleanliness/dress and will be delivered to school in that state. To leave later because she isn't ready is disrespectful to you and your colleagues as it might make you late for work. Wake her up and leave her to it. Stick to it no matter what. (But do explain to her teacher so she understands if she goes in to school in her pjs one morning). Bedroom to be properly tidied and all school notices etc handed over before she goes to bed at night - if it isn't she'll have to start going upstairs for an earlier bedtime as she is clearly "too tired" to tidy.... She will think you for it when she doesn't find having to be organised at secondary school such a big shock

Sorry your morning started so badly. As others have said, apologising for losing your temper/scaring your DD is worth doing and will show her that the impact behaviour has on others is worth reflecting on. Instead of rehashing what led to this morning's drama, I wonder if she'd respond to you giving her a list of things that really matter to you and asking her to come up with a solution that will work for her e.g. shoes put in X place, take belongings out of living room after use etc. and see what she comes up with?

Don't apologise - she should be aware that she's upset you and made you angry.
We've probably all been there - my lowest point was flinging the kids supper (plastic plates with their food on) into the garden after I'd had enough of their constant food fusses - I grabbed their plates off the table and threw them into the garden - the dog thought it was wonderful. The kids were stunned and didnt make any fuss after that. I was fuming at the time but have a little chuckle when I think of it now!
Maybe you losing your shit will be enough of a jolt for her to try harder. Good luck

Okay, first of all, don't beat yourself up too much... I don't have kids and I can imagine something like this is really difficult to handle!

However... I read your description of your daughter and she just sounds so much like me (not the disrespect for new clothes part necessarily, but the distractedness, lack of organisation, general messiness, etc... I might have an hour - or even two! - to get ready and I will still end up running for the train and risking being late...) and for some time now I've been reading up on ADHD and think there's a pretty high chance that I have it. My boyfriend knows me better than anyone and he agrees. (I haven't been for a diagnosis though because I don't really know how to go about it, not sure if it's possible on the NHS as an adult.)

Anyway, telling you this because my mum has had outbursts at me, even as an adult, and it's really affected our relationship. I hope you can find some way to tackle this with her in a nice way, because I'd hate for that to happen to you two as well.

Whether it's ADHD or not, you might find some good 'coping strategies' aimed at families with ADHD work well for you. The Additude site is very good for this, and I also just found this article which seemed like it might be relevant to you:

www.additudemag.com/mom-guilt-adhd-parenting/

Hope this helps

I think one of the best things we can teach our DC is how to say sorry.

When an adult acknowledges they're in the wrong and says sorry it earns them a lot of respect.

A sincere apology and open discussion with her about how you can both make sure this doesn't happen again (hopefully with her acknowledging her being disorganised and chaotic contributed to you losing it this morning)

Nobody wants to go to work and school on angry words in the morning.

On a side note, at 10 I think she still needs a fair bit of support and guidance from you helping her get organised, she sounds overwhelmed.

OP, I was your DD - everyone needs a wakeup call sometimes. One shout is better than a thousand nags.

I'm still untidy but I can make a room look marvellous in minutes thanks to DM losing her rag.

I've styled interiors shoots :) Don't apologise, there are limits.

I could have written this post OP.

I've now stopped buying my dd new clothes until she can take care of the ones she has. She slept with the clothes she had on yesterday, balled up at the bottom of the bed, then went to put them on this morning. These are brand new clothes only worn once! I wash and iron her clothes, only to find them screwed up on the floor or stuffed in draws or bottom if her wardrobe

Im another one saying do not apologise.

At 10 then a sharp shock is probably what is needed.

If she messes around and doesnt get ready then shes kate for school and it will be her fault. (I know you have work and thats going to be awkward unless you are on flexi time).

If she has no clothes to wear because they are a crumoled mess then she has to wear them