Feeling ashamed of how I handled a situation with my daughter this morning

[expatinspain]

I really lost my temper with DD 10 this morning and am feeling awful about it. She ended up really upset and at the time I was angry, but now I'm upset too.

She is just a nightmare with being messy and it drives me insane. This morning it came to a head. We've tried rewards, talking and punishments, but it always seems to end up the same after improving for a while. She's a procrastinator in the mornings and I seem to spend my mornings like a drill Sargent trying to get her out of the door on time. All she has to do in an hour and 15 mins is get dressed, brush her hair and teeth, eat breakfast, make her bed and leave her room in a semi organised state.

She leaves her pyjamas screwed up in a ball on the floor, even though she gets her clothes ready the night before, she puts on different things or tries on different coats and leaves the things she's not wearing screwed up at the bottom of the wardrobe or on the floor hidden, only to be discovered days later. Some of these are new things or just washed. She also spends the morning answering back and arguing about anything and everything or telling me last minute.com about papers she needs signed for school etc.

After a particularly bad morning I went into her room and found a brand new coat screwed up at the end of the bed, stuff on her bed that she'd just covered with the duvet that she couldn't be bothered to put away and I lost my temper. She argued with me and I took everything and threw it in a massive pile on the floor and made her put everything away neatly and really told her off. She was close to tears and really shocked, and she ended up 5 minutes late for school and me rushing to work stressed and upset too.

I will apologise later as I acted out of frustration and it wasn't my finest hour. If anyone has any advice up offer on how to handle things better, it would be very welcome. It's like Groundhog Day every day and I'm so fed up, but don't want to overreact like that again. I've just upset her and myself as I was so pissed off and really shouted at her. Acting in anger is never the best way and I'm not teaching her anything.

SantanaBinLorry Yes they are. At this age you have to enjoy the lovely while you can, as it can be short-lived 😂

I'm sure I would have been po-faced too if threats to kill had been made but they don't seem to have been in this case.

I do appreciate the point how differently similar threads can go though.

I have a 10 & 11 year old. Pocket money is given on the basis that they do their hw and tidy their rooms, (enough for me to clean their floor) without too much nagging. Withholding the pocket money a couple of times has had the desired effect. They don't get it until sun eve, when both should be done... if it's not done, I'll tidy the rooms and withhold the money, or they get a day or 2 grace to put it right and get the money.

Maybe I mollycoddle mine but I do put my sons dirty clothes in the wash. He puts his undies in, but would quite happily wear the same clothes, day in, day out. I also put his washing away, for the same reason - he couldn't care less about clothes - so I give him other jobs. Dd on the other hand... wears something for 10mins and declares it dirty and launches it into the wash.. She has to do lots of folding and putting away to see the impact of her behaviour, one day it'll twig!

I think you are too hard on her you are an adult and have had years to learn how to do things properly "your way" she's just a child still learning and probably very overwhelmed with trying to live up to your expectations. Of course you want her to be tidy but not everyone is naturally and berating her constantly for not towing your line is not helpful I think for everyone's state of mind you need to chill out a bit. Let her leave a mess in the morning do mornings are less stressful as long as she does the other stuff like clean her teeth etc she can spend half hour or so tidying up when she gets home give her a timetable to follow once she has done that she can watch TV or whatever I think it will be much calmer and take the pressure off and yes sit her down calmly and explain why you felt so angry you know you were over reacting and try not to do it again and both compromise she will learn adult ways as she grows up don't expect her to be perfect its normal

I don't think your reaction was disproportionate. I agree that kids needs to know that everyone has limits and she found yours.
I've had similar experiences with my family who also love to trample over freshly ironed clothes. I always apologise if I shout but not for my anger or frustration. As long as the child understands why the emotion was justified and why the outburst happened I don't think them seeing an outburst is a bad thing.
Also don't think it was bad that you made a pile of things for her to put away. It's teaching her a good and worthy lesson.

Just to give you hope...

Most of my kids were of the 'trample all over newly ironed clothes and dump everything on the floor, mixed clean and dirty' persuasion. I used to yell, scream, cry, nothing made any difference. I stopped ironing anything - if they wanted it smooth they could iron it themselves.

Every single one of them lives in a tidy, well organised and clean home, and their clothes are immaculate.

So most of them grow out of it (one is ADD and has to work harder at it and her bedroom is a state, but the rest of her house is lovely!)

she's just a child still learning and probably very overwhelmed with trying to live up to your expectations My expectations are to take care of her things, not leave the whole house or her bedroom like a bomb site and treat us with a bit of respect. I don't think those expectations are unreasonable at all.

Add to that, these expectations are nothing new to her. She's had ten years to get up to speed, at, I imagine, an age appropriate and developmentally appropriate pace.

berating her constantly for not towing your line is not helpful I think for everyone's state of mind you need to chill out a bit. Not sure where you got this from?! As I have said (if you had bothered to read my posts), we have tried many different strategies to help her, the majority positive, some punishments too like
less screen time etc. At no point have I 'berated her constantly'. The reason I snapped is because we have been more than reasonable and as most poster have said, I do far to much for her. The attitude is coming from her, not me, and it sometimes makes the environment in the house quite stressful.

OP,
As we become adults it is almost inevitable that we will share space with other non family members.

Living with messy lazy people is not fun.

There are loads of threads about lazy men and I'm sure lots of women shared houses with girls that they would describe as dirty and messy.

It's not fun.

Part of doing your job of raising children is teaching them how to have respect for where they live, how they live and who they live with.

You will have failed your DD if you allow her to continue to be messy and dirty.

I certainly wouldn't be apologising for being upset at the mess that she generated and refuses to clean up.

Certainly not!

She needs to get her act together.

Teenagers can be very messy if you allow it.

Your DD needs to sort her space and stuff out.

There would be no TV/treats/technology in my house until she got the message.

Most children are dressed, hair, breakfast and teeth done in 30 minutes.

She needs to do as she's asked.

You are doing her a favour by no longer accepting her disregard for what's be oken asked of her.
💐

Haven't rtft but I strongly recommend a clothes tax.
Every item you pick up will deduct x amount off her pocket money.
Then soon learn the first week they have nothing.

zapodsotherhead That's good to know!! At the moment, if I left her to her own devices, we'd probable have rats!!! People here are generally very clean, as we have to deal with cockroaches. I have tried the closing the door on the mess trick, but that resulted in two ginormous cockroaches in her room 🤢. She was a bit better for a while after that. If her house is a state when she's older, she'll have to get over her fear of cockroaches!! We get some big spiders too that love hiding in messy piles of clothes!!

Iwantacookie She's not that bothered about pocket money yet. I think that will come as she gets older. I did try a phone/tablet tax that was successful for a while, but she's only allowed it at weekends, so after she lost it for a month in the summer (not just for being messy, but for constant arguing as well) it kind of became ineffective as she just got used to not having it and doing other things. Seems like at this age you have to be creative with any punishments!!

I still think you are being too hard on yourself. I would have cracked and yelled months ago!

You talk about freshly ironed clothes. Who does the ironing? Maybe she can starting doing some herself? She isn’t interested in money yet but it sounds like she has a lovely old life with you. My kids are much younger and get daily chores, tidy their bedrooms when I ask or I snap the telly off. They sweep, dust, clean away dishes and put away washing. (10,7). The littlest does less but she is going the same way.

She sounds lovely but used to everything being done and not appreciating what goes into that. I think if you start there the rest will fall into place

I wish I'd been firmer with this stuff when mine were little

Tough luck. If she wants to act like a slob then she can be treated like one. It’s not like you strung her up from the ceilings by her ankles! Questions like this wouldn’t have even been asked 20, 30, 40 years ago.