Feeling ashamed of how I handled a situation with my daughter this morning

[expatinspain]

I really lost my temper with DD 10 this morning and am feeling awful about it. She ended up really upset and at the time I was angry, but now I'm upset too.

She is just a nightmare with being messy and it drives me insane. This morning it came to a head. We've tried rewards, talking and punishments, but it always seems to end up the same after improving for a while. She's a procrastinator in the mornings and I seem to spend my mornings like a drill Sargent trying to get her out of the door on time. All she has to do in an hour and 15 mins is get dressed, brush her hair and teeth, eat breakfast, make her bed and leave her room in a semi organised state.

She leaves her pyjamas screwed up in a ball on the floor, even though she gets her clothes ready the night before, she puts on different things or tries on different coats and leaves the things she's not wearing screwed up at the bottom of the wardrobe or on the floor hidden, only to be discovered days later. Some of these are new things or just washed. She also spends the morning answering back and arguing about anything and everything or telling me last minute.com about papers she needs signed for school etc.

After a particularly bad morning I went into her room and found a brand new coat screwed up at the end of the bed, stuff on her bed that she'd just covered with the duvet that she couldn't be bothered to put away and I lost my temper. She argued with me and I took everything and threw it in a massive pile on the floor and made her put everything away neatly and really told her off. She was close to tears and really shocked, and she ended up 5 minutes late for school and me rushing to work stressed and upset too.

I will apologise later as I acted out of frustration and it wasn't my finest hour. If anyone has any advice up offer on how to handle things better, it would be very welcome. It's like Groundhog Day every day and I'm so fed up, but don't want to overreact like that again. I've just upset her and myself as I was so pissed off and really shouted at her. Acting in anger is never the best way and I'm not teaching her anything.

Sounds to me she got a fair result for showing a lack or respect to you and the things you bought her.
What are you apologising for? If she carries on like this into teenage years without any pulling up from you, or an apology after a well deserved telling off, she will be awful.

There is nothing wrong with shouting at your misbehaving child. I wish more people did it. I give mine a right bollocking if needed and it's extremely rare now seeing mum lose her shit. They know if I do then they've pushed too much. I don't need to nag, shout, follow them round asking them to remember to do this or that. They know what's expected and they do it. They're well behaved, don't talk back (they all try that shit once. Twice if they're brave) and they're happy. Really happy. We're a fun filled loving house because they know their boundaries. We all do our share, we're all out on time in the mornings and it's pretty stress free tbh.

I don't understand why you're ashamed OP, don't feel guilty about it you're only human.

Personally I don't think you did anything wrong.

OP, you didn't do anything wrong. Your DD needs to learn that you have limits and that she has pushed you to them!

My DD sounds very like yours, except mine is 13, not 10. Next week (half term) she is going to be given a crash course in using the washing machine (it's new, literally been here a few days) and will be doing all her own laundry from now on. As will DS, who is 15 and who spends his life moving his pile of clean laundry from bed to chair to bed to chair depending on which one he is sitting/lying in at the time ....

If you keep on being Mrs Nice Mum, and she sees that as an indication that she can continue to take the proverbial with impunity, then eventually you are going to snap and become Mrs Angry I've had esoddingnough not so nice Mum. That's a good point! I'm certainly not a peace loving, earth mother. I'm pretty strict with things; no phone/tablet during the week, doing homework, respecting people/things, manners etc, but I do definitely feel guilty and start to crack a bit when I see her genuinely upset. I'm someone who gets angry and then feels guilty. Product of a dysfunctional childhood without much love, so I'm probably not the best at staying firm.

It’s OK to lose your shit sometimes. We’re all human.

I also think it’s OK for a child to realise that their behaviour has caused their parent to lose their shit. Like you say, you don’t ask for much and today was the straw that broke the camel’s back. It’s so exhausting having to nag and nag and nag all the time.

She's a procrastinator in the mornings and I seem to spend my mornings like a drill Sargent trying to get her out of the door on time.

My 8yo is like this and it drives me insane. Drill sergeant is exactly right. Yesterday she was pissing about looking at her pupils in the mirror instead of cleaning her teeth. She started to tell me about them and I just said I DON’T CARE! I DON’T CARE! CLEAN YOUR TEETH!

I think sitting down and calmly explaining why you were so angry is totally the right thing to do.

Dont stress OP, we all lose our shit sometimes. I dont think it does any harm for our kids to see that our limits have been pushed. You can apologise for the outburst, but not the reason behind it - you'll both get over it, no biggy.

I think its a matter of chosing your battles (and when to fight them) Leaves a mess in the morning... its the first thing she tidies when she gets home.

I have found with my two (8 &11) that the more time they have in the morning the more time they have to procrastinate. Takes a bit of planning the night before, but works for us. We put packed bags, shoes & coats infront of the door - they dont get a choice of coat. Warm coat for going out the door, cagoul in bag. Hair get brushed at the door. No discussion. School coat on - walk out the door.
We only give ourselves 45mins to get up, ready & out of the door (any longer than this and they find things to get distracted by)
7.30am up and out of bed for breakfast.
7.45 - 8am Bathroom... taking their uniform with them. They get dressed in the bathroom. It really does only take 7 and half mins to do teeth, quick hot wash (thry are not that dirty... they had a wash before bed) & dressed.
8 - 8.15 check admin... letters signed, linch box packed/money etc, double check of bags etc.
I open the front door (no matter what the weather) at 8.10 and give the five minute warning.
If they are all ready before then, great they can have a few mins on the switch, or some drawing, whatever. But they dont go back into their rooms or into the living room until everything else is done.

It reallly didnt take long to get into this routine. And only once have I actually walked out the door and left one of them behind - they were ready, just faffing so I walked out... they soon caught up with me on the cornner ;)
I'd started off years ago by giving ourselves loads of time, leisurely breakfast, nice chat... was a pain in the arse. Boot camp stylee defo works better for us.

Perhaps being shocked at you shouting was what she needed - DO NOT apologise. She needs to start learning that you are not a maid and she is old enough to start being a bit more responsible. If you don't sort this out now imagine what she will be like as a teenager! (In fact read some of the posts on here to learn that!). Having said that some people struggle with being tidy - me for one, so if she makes a real effort that may be as good as it gets.

I had two like this.

In the end I decided it wasn't worth the stress (mine. They didn't care) and let them live in the sties mess that was their rooms. So long as it didn't encroach into the rest of the house I let them get on with it. Never helped them look for 'lost' stuff either. Consequences.

Have to admit I did cave and go in once or twice with a bin bag and scorched earth mission but they never once missed anything that had been binned. They improved as they went through secondary and although they're not perfect it's fairly average mess these days.

I think sitting down with her and telling her clearly why you got so cross is a good idea. With my one, she honestly does not see the world through the same lens - it does take words of one syllable, with a flashlight and a fricking map to get her to the same point everyone else is at, sometimes! They don't see the lack of respect inherent in treating the things that have cost you a lot of time and money like trash. Or just hauling a duvet up over it, thinking Mum is so stupid and blind she'll never catch on. . .

Don’t apologise. So she looked shocked. Good. I hope she was shocked. She needs to know that you aren’t her slave and she has to start taking some responsibility. You’re hardly expecting her to scrub the floors and clean the windows before she goes to school. If she needs to be shocked out of disrespecting you then go ahead and shock her. She won’t melt.

For the clothes thing, I sympathise.

What I say is that if they have too much stuff to put it away neatly then they need less clothes and I will be happy to reduce it to just a few outfits. They’re horrified, of course!

I find the struggle is in consistency of my own behaviour - I know full fucking well that if we implemented a regime where I made them put away and tidy every night it would t get overwhelmingly messy, but I’m not consistent enough.

I have tried to devolve this responsibility to DH, but he’s no good either.

2 teenage daughters here 14 and nearly 16 - one I will refer to her bedroom as the pit of doom!

Easy way of me not getting stressed is leave it to her - since high school both girls are responsible for cleaning their rooms, washing changing bed etc. Older one is great and majority of time her room looks like something from Mrs Hinch house younger one - hmm words fail me. I just shut the door and leave her to sort it.

Tried shouting nagging etc it didn't work. When she moans she hasn't got something clean or something is lost I just give her a look. She is learning the hard way but every now and again she does a major tidy up and clean and even keeps it tidy for nearly 48 hours!

I think you did the right thing. New coat screwed up? Apologise for shouting, OK, but explain that it wouldn't have been necessary if she'd listened in the first place. Kids are testing the boundaries all the time. Your requirements sound perfectly reasonable and it's not surprising that you eventually lost it. So long as she knows what she is supposed to be doing, hopefully she will learn from this: "We don't want a repeat of yesterday, so we? Be a good girl and hang up your coat."

Another one saying don't worry. I really don't understand this current thing about not showing anger to children. It is a perfectly normal emotion and they need to know
a) it's normal
b) anyone and everyone can feel anger - it's not just them
c) how adults control their anger so they can learn how to control theirs
d) just because someone is angry with them, they are still loved and cared about

Never apologise for an emotion you feel, even anger. However pick your battles.
Your DD is of an age where she can and should be moving towards a greater independence; basic rules - if it's not in the laundry basket it don't get washed. In fact, I would say, she needs to bring her laundry to the washing machine, either on request by you or on set days / times. I don't necessarily think she should be doing her own washing; I would much prefer a full washing machine running than several small loads, so pooling the family's washing is a better use of resources. Make her responsible for her own room - she tidys, cleans, changes the bed as she wants, puts away washed clothes etc.

I would apologise because ideally one shouldn't shout , but point out calmly why you find it so frustrating. Ask her what she suggests is done to stop these very stressful mornings. Involve her in the process. Tell her you don't want to treat her like a child but while she is so irresponsible you have no option and it's sad because you won't buy her any new clothes allow her to do X etc etc and that is something that makes you both sad. Wouldn't it be nicer to live in a calmer more loving house?

It does need repeating every couple of weeks mind...

Don't apologise. Do not back down.
If you don't establish guidelines etc then this shit will keep happening.

And do not iron her clothes. Dump the clean ones in a pile on her bed/floor/chair and let her sort it out.

Sit her down and apologise for losing your temper, but make sure she understands why you did. Talk her through why she finds it so difficult.

Does it really matter in the grand scheme of things? Can you adjust your expectations slightly? Mornings are stressful for most families, and with 1 hour 15 mins to play with I would say that yours has the potential to be quite chilled!

Perhaps:
She doesn't have to make her bed or put discarded clothes away, but they need to be laid out on her bed/ on a chair so they do not get creased. When she comes home she has to spend time tidying and putting everything away before anything else. You might find that she starts getting tidier in the morning when she has mess to deal with in the evenings.

Honestly I don't think you need to feel so bad. Maybe you know the tone you used with telling her off or the faces you pulled so that's why. But in the end making her tidy up her mess is not bad at all. If you shouted you could apologise for shouting but I wouldn't apologise for making her tidy up.

Don't be hard on yourself. Sometimes they need a shock. I mean that in a nice way. But you ask nicely and the message is not going in. Mine is only four and she is terrible for making a mess. I think she will continue this way too as she doesn't like picking anything up. It's frustrating when you have all the extra work from picking up stuff they should pick up. I expect now she will remember and hopefully it's gone in. You are allowed to get cross sometimes mum! It's not like you are harming her or terrifying her x

I think our kids sometimes need to see that we mums are human and do lose our shit occasionally. Definitely explain WHY you got angry but I don't think you should apologise for it . I also agree with PP that some of us just aren't naturally tidy and are actually unable to keep anywhere tidy and clean on a regular basis.

With regard to the lack of respect for new stuff, the easiest thing to say is don't allow her any new stuff! Perhaps she could earn the new things somehow? Its very easy for someone to offer advice and say 'you should' when they aren't in your situation but I hope you find something that works for both of you!

You don't need to apologise to her because she has been repeatedly disrespectful and needed to see that you'd had enough.
I would sit down with her though and talk it through. Put boundaries and consequences in place.
Don't beat yourself up though, we've all been there!

Also, I don’t think what you did was that bad. She needs to know you have limits and getting cross with her and making her put everything away doesn’t sound unreasonable.

Like many others, I agree.

I hardly ever lose my shit with my DCs, and when it does happen, they know they've really pushed it too far.

I do apologise for, for example, raising my voice, as shouting isn't nice no matter what. But I make it clear that I'm apologising for THAT, not for what I said or did (assuming that was all acceptable obvs!). I completely agree with @DPotter's post about anger being a normal emotion, and children needing to learn how to deal with it.

I mean come on, you made her put all her own stuff away? She should have been doing that anyway!

Oh you will get used to it. It really is more her problem than yours. Why lose your shit about it? I think you should apologise if you spoke to her in a way you wouldn't like to be spoken to yourself. If you apologise to her you are modelling good behaviour and as an adult we should have learnt by now when to admit we are in the wrong. Its something children and teens find hard - show her its easy - it is very powerful.

If she's 10 the chances are it will get worse before it gets better. Teens are pretty bad on this score so unless you want permanently high blood pressure and your hair to go grey I'd look at why this is so important to you. Is it control - do things have to be done your way or the highway? The one thing you know is that your current approach isn't working - so maybe try to shift a gear and do something different?

My daughter is very messy and it used to drive me nuts that her room was so awful. She has a tall boy in the room and it used to look like a waterfall with clothes cascading down it. Wet towels on the floor, bed unmade, cups and mugs lying around.

And then I just let it go. Every now and again I'd offer to help her clear up when it got really bad and often with relief she'd accept. When she was about 14 she also became responsible for her own washing and drying - both clothes and bed sheets etc - so it was up to her whether she had any clothes that were fit to wear. Occasionally I would put some of her clothes in with mine but it was her responsibility. It was also up to her to get up in time and make her breakfast. If she didn't get up in time she would go hungry.

It took the stress out of our relationship and it made her more responsible - her mess her horrid room. She is a bit better now - and now gone to university so it ain't my problem.

I think maybe focus on whats most important. Her being ready to leave for school on time with some breakfast inside her. Get her to do more for herself and just focus on her being out the door at the right time. The rest of it - does her room being a tip really matter? Why let it ruin your day - she's the one is impacts on most. She wont like her room being really horrible every day when she comes home from school so she will start wanting to leave it a bit nicer.

You’re not alone OP, my DD is 10 next month and her behaviour is going downhill rapidly. I’m reassured some of it is usual pre teen behaviour, partly due to hormones... doesn’t make it any easier to handle though!

I keep telling her she’ll get a shock at high school when she has lots to remember, it’s a constant battle.