Feeling ashamed of how I handled a situation with my daughter this morning

[expatinspain]

I really lost my temper with DD 10 this morning and am feeling awful about it. She ended up really upset and at the time I was angry, but now I'm upset too.

She is just a nightmare with being messy and it drives me insane. This morning it came to a head. We've tried rewards, talking and punishments, but it always seems to end up the same after improving for a while. She's a procrastinator in the mornings and I seem to spend my mornings like a drill Sargent trying to get her out of the door on time. All she has to do in an hour and 15 mins is get dressed, brush her hair and teeth, eat breakfast, make her bed and leave her room in a semi organised state.

She leaves her pyjamas screwed up in a ball on the floor, even though she gets her clothes ready the night before, she puts on different things or tries on different coats and leaves the things she's not wearing screwed up at the bottom of the wardrobe or on the floor hidden, only to be discovered days later. Some of these are new things or just washed. She also spends the morning answering back and arguing about anything and everything or telling me last minute.com about papers she needs signed for school etc.

After a particularly bad morning I went into her room and found a brand new coat screwed up at the end of the bed, stuff on her bed that she'd just covered with the duvet that she couldn't be bothered to put away and I lost my temper. She argued with me and I took everything and threw it in a massive pile on the floor and made her put everything away neatly and really told her off. She was close to tears and really shocked, and she ended up 5 minutes late for school and me rushing to work stressed and upset too.

I will apologise later as I acted out of frustration and it wasn't my finest hour. If anyone has any advice up offer on how to handle things better, it would be very welcome. It's like Groundhog Day every day and I'm so fed up, but don't want to overreact like that again. I've just upset her and myself as I was so pissed off and really shouted at her. Acting in anger is never the best way and I'm not teaching her anything.

I was a lot like her when I was a child. One morning, I told my mum I couldn't find my clean blouse (which was in my drawer) She came into my room, climbed over the crap that was all over the floor, and really lost her temper. She pulled all the bedding off the bed I'd told her I'd made, and hadn't, She then upended every drawer on top, then pulled everything out of my wardrobe and added it to the heap, and told me to get to school and it would all be waiting for me when I got home. By school dinner time I'd persuaded myself she would have done it for me. Wrong. I got home and she said "Get up those stairs and sort that room out" . I changed my ways after that. I was never very tidy, but I wasn't ever going to risk having that job again!
I don't think you need to apologise for getting angry with her. She should expect consequences when she has repeatedly ignored what you have asked her to do.

@Haworthia same here I’ve just done a quick add up and my three have about 20 coats/ jackets/ outdoor hoodies/ snow suits etc. They are all used all the time.
I have two 🙈

Does she know exactly what you expect? ie, is it, 'I want your room tidied up and your bed made like ...this (example) and all your stuff put away?' Yes, this has been an ongoing thing. We've made lists, done rewards, punishments etc.

It's ok to lose your shit occasionally. It's also good to apologise when you did it unfairly.

This lets your daughter know two things. One, you are capable of losing your shit! Understanding that you can push people too far with your behaviour is an important thing to know. Two, that if you act unfairly, you will say so.

As a side point - I hated my mum trying to shoehorn chores into the morning. I'm not a morning person, and I deliberately keep my morning low key for that reason. I didn't see the point when I had endless time to sort things out after school!

I would stick to requiring what's absolutely necessary before going out, and ensuring that she rectifies the consequences of any mess she makes when she gets home.

There's an enormous educational benefit to starting the day on the right note!

Mmmm what does “seriously lost my temper” mean? Shouted at her and said I'd had enough and threw the things together on the floor. I didn't beat her up or swear at her or whatever you may be imagining.

Has she actually damaged anything?
Going ballistic because she put some stuff on the bed seems a tad dramatic to me Read my comments and you'll know this is not just about a few things on the bed.

Thank you zurigirl. It may be that some of those strategies could be useful for us x

I wouldn't have had the battle this morning because I think the focus in mornings is to get out the door and also that it's counter-productive to try to teach respect whilst letting them be late for school (which is disrespectful to their teacher and the class).
But I don't think there's an issue in putting everything in the middle of the floor and making her tidy it away when she gets back.
From my pov, any letters/slips come out of their bag when they come home from school. Then it's my responsibility to get them signed and back into their bag on time.
It's DS' responsibility to check his timetable and pack his bag with jotters, pe kit, etc.The uniform code is quite strict so we give him only 2 choices in the morning - whether he wears a jumper or an anorak. He has to make his bed. If he doesn't then it's left for him to do when he comes back.

Could have written your post myself. My DD10 is exactly the same. She has to be micromanaged to within an inch of her life to get her to focus on doing basic tasks. It's absolutely rage-inducing.

My DS6, on the other hand, gets himself up, toilet and teeth brush, gets his school uniform on, and sits at the breakfast table all without being told.At night, we just have to tell him to go to bed, and he's off getting his PJs on and getting himself sorted without any intervention, whereas DD10 will be consistently trying to skip or forget things like brushing her teeth, and then once in bed she'll be out and about 5 or 6 times until one of us loses our tempers, and she'll sulkily accept it's bedtime.

Since DD6 turned out so differently, I can only think it's neither age nor parenting style, but mostly innate personality that drives this.

She's a wonderful, intelligent, caring girl, but she just cannot focus on anything she isn't 100% interested in!

I don't think you should apologise for the punishment. After all you've said/done, and her answering back etc, making her do it item by item no matter what shows you are actually capable of carrying out a consequence, no matter what. I wouldn't lose that - there'll be other battles in the future in which she needs to bear that in mind. If you apologise for that punishment (such as it is - you made her do what she should have done, so it's not that bad) then you'll partially undo the lesson you've taught her.

If you do apologise for anything, it might be for shouting and losing temper during carrying out of the punishment. But I wouldn't dwell on that either. Don't drop your authority or end up begging for her forgiveness because you don't want to be in her bad books. She should be sorry because she's in yours, and after fair warning. You have taught her a valuable lesson about responsibility and attitude.

I can't find the poster who was asking about coats, but she doesn't have 'so many'. She has a winter coat, which is still going strong from last year, a new 'fashionable' silver jacket that she asked for for her bday ( the one screwed up on the bed and two days ago screwed up at the bottom of the bed on the floor!!), a summer denim jacket and a jacket her mate bought her for her bday. She's not exactly Ivanka Trump, don't worry 😂

@expatinspain The insinuation that your daughter is spoiled by having too many coats is ridiculous anyway. Unless we want to get into a Four Yorkshiremen kind of scenario where we share anecdotes about having to wear the same coat all year round, in all weathers, and just had to make do, kids these days are so indulged with their multiple coats, the country’s going to the dogs...

Has she actually damaged anything?Going ballistic because she put some stuff on the bed seems a tad dramatic to me
Read my comments and you'll know this is not just about a few things on the bed.

No it’s also about timekeeping (except you made her late this morning by going ballistic.) Regardless my point stands. Does it really matter if she’s Messy? Is it worth creating horrible stressful mornings and potentially damaging your relationship with her? She’s Already started trying to hide her mess from you, which is not good.
Why does it matter if she has a messy room? It’s her space

I was probably like your dd and still am.

My ds is like me (karma). DH is anally tidy.

Sometimes they need a shock to change but sometimes you need to realise your approach isn’t working and change accordingly.

So with my Ds, it’s about giving him direct instructions one thing at a time.

He’s very good at getting ready quickly so we have a target to be dressed by 8.10am. Then any tidying etc can come after. He knows where things go, I help him keep his room tidy - he finds it hard as it is overwhelming (and I know how that feels as it’s the same for me).

At the end of the day, being tidy and organised just doesn’t come naturally to all of us and if you aren’t, it doesn’t make you a bad person.

I’m smart, hold down a decent job etc. I just don’t need to be super organised or tidy, although I do keep common areas clean. Same with DS - if his room is a shit hole then fine, as long as some basics are there.

I doubt she’s doing it on purpose. She may just be a bit scatty and isn’t thinking.

You say this...
All she has to do in an hour and 15 mins is get dressed, brush her hair and teeth, eat breakfast, make her bed and leave her room in a semi organised state.

And this...
but makes a complete mess every morning

Can you get her up later so she has just enough time to get ready but not enough time to make a mess in her room?

She will tidy when she has a boyfriend or someone else she wants to
impress coming round !

As others have said ....apologise for shouting at her, but obviously explaining why you were so upset / angry.OH and I always apologised to DD after being annoyed with her, now as an adult, she does the same.
I am naturally very messy..so have some sympathy for your daughter , however, I did try to respect my Mum when she asked me to tidy up....but I never did it willingly.

Good luck!x

No it’s also about timekeeping (except you made her late this morning by going ballistic.) Regardless my point stands. Does it really matter if she’s Messy? Is it worth creating horrible stressful mornings and potentially damaging your relationship with her? She’s Already started trying to hide her mess from you, which is not good. Why does it matter if she has a messy room? It’s her space The reason I said read my comments is that you'd see that the mess isn't just confounded to her room, it in the whole house. This morning was just the tip of the iceberg. She's not trying to hide her mess from me, don't try to imply she's scared of me! She can't be bothered to put stuff away so is covering it with a duvet. I'm not creating horrible, stressful mornings. I do everything I can to help her, make breakfast, help her get organised the night before, pack her school bag and snacks. She is arguing with me about anything and everything each day, to which I usually stay calm. I tell her how long she has left to get ready (hence the drill Sargent thing) and remind her to do each thing as she's dancing, asking me 1000 questions, getting 20,000 things out in her previously tidy room etc. This morning was one morning. You are trying to imply there is a dynamic or situation that simply doesn't exist. I'm not sure why?

I'm another who wouldn't apologise. You did nothing wrong. You just reached the end of your tether, which we all do at times. You wouldn't be human if you didn't.

Do not apologise. The fact that she was shocked and near to tears means that you finally got through to her, at least for now. Don't negate that with an apology.

You only apologise if you were definitely in the wrong. You weren't, and hopefully she has begun to learn a lesson now. Hold your nerve. Parenting isn't easy and I guess nobody ever said it would be.

I'd like to say that it always gets better, and it often does. Two of my three daughters improved drastically with their tidiness throughout their teens (they are in their twenties now). DD3 though is 17 and still as chaotic as ever. I just have to shut the door on it now and simply insist that she doesn't spread it into the rest of the house.

Give her less options what to wear ? Till she learns to look after things

You are trying to imply there is a dynamic or situation that simply doesn't exist. I'm not sure why?

No i’m Giving you an alternative viewpoint from the perspective of a naturally messy person and suggesting that you might want to pick your battles. Clearly you don’t

Enjoy fighting!

(l-o-n-g ago... I had been known to put everything on the floor & top it up with mattress & pillows in heap - after warning several times for teenager - didn't loose my temper - just waited until she had left for school -very therapeutic!-)

What @luckygreeneyes said. It sounds like she needed a reality check.