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Original poster

Feeling ashamed of how I handled a situation with my daughter this morning

241 replies

expatinspain · 24/10/2019 10:26

I really lost my temper with DD 10 this morning and am feeling awful about it. She ended up really upset and at the time I was angry, but now I'm upset too.

She is just a nightmare with being messy and it drives me insane. This morning it came to a head. We've tried rewards, talking and punishments, but it always seems to end up the same after improving for a while. She's a procrastinator in the mornings and I seem to spend my mornings like a drill Sargent trying to get her out of the door on time. All she has to do in an hour and 15 mins is get dressed, brush her hair and teeth, eat breakfast, make her bed and leave her room in a semi organised state.

She leaves her pyjamas screwed up in a ball on the floor, even though she gets her clothes ready the night before, she puts on different things or tries on different coats and leaves the things she's not wearing screwed up at the bottom of the wardrobe or on the floor hidden, only to be discovered days later. Some of these are new things or just washed. She also spends the morning answering back and arguing about anything and everything or telling me last minute.com about papers she needs signed for school etc.

After a particularly bad morning I went into her room and found a brand new coat screwed up at the end of the bed, stuff on her bed that she'd just covered with the duvet that she couldn't be bothered to put away and I lost my temper. She argued with me and I took everything and threw it in a massive pile on the floor and made her put everything away neatly and really told her off. She was close to tears and really shocked, and she ended up 5 minutes late for school and me rushing to work stressed and upset too.

I will apologise later as I acted out of frustration and it wasn't my finest hour. If anyone has any advice up offer on how to handle things better, it would be very welcome. It's like Groundhog Day every day and I'm so fed up, but don't want to overreact like that again. I've just upset her and myself as I was so pissed off and really shouted at her. Acting in anger is never the best way and I'm not teaching her anything.

OP posts:
CrotchetyQuaver · 24/10/2019 18:26

I wouldn't feel too bad about this actually, it may be the wake up call she needed. One of mine was a terrible faffer in the morning we were always late because of her. Finally when she was 16 it happened on a morning I absolutely could not be late and so I just walked out and left her to find her own way to college. It never happened again after that. You may have a similar outcome here. I don't think you were unreasonable

MsTSwift · 24/10/2019 18:48

Kids and teens need a line. I host international students and make it clear strictly no smoking in the house. One group brazenly smoked in their bedroom and were baffled and outraged when I politely asked them to pack and go somewhere else.

ActualHornist · 24/10/2019 19:42

I have three boys who are JUST like this, ages 10, 10 and 8.

It takes them years to get ready for school in the morning - and DH still lays out their uniform

I don't think you did anything wrong. It's good for children to see when they have pushed their parents over the edge.

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Honeyroar · 24/10/2019 19:58

From my experience, people who claim that their children are easy and perfect are the only ones that think that their children are easy or perfect. 😄

Trewser · 24/10/2019 20:02

Honeyroar well you've met someone who enriches your experience then because they are easy. I didn't claim they were perfect!

slipperywhensparticus · 24/10/2019 20:10

My kids are fantastic lovely kind sweet angelic messy faffers it only affects me 5 days of the week

TulipsTulipsTulips · 24/10/2019 20:16

OP wouldn’t apologise. She’s been ignoring you and not changing her behaviour. As a pp said, you’re her mum, not her friend.

Kokeshi123 · 24/10/2019 20:23

*I’m Naturally untidy and still have a permanent Floordrobe.
I rarely speak to my parents any more either. Pretty sure the billions of shouting matches about ‘mess’ and equating being messy to me being an awful disrespectful person didn’t exactly foster a positive relationship. *

So you behaved like a messy slob, and everything's still your parents' fault? And you still throw stuff all over the floor and leave it there, as an adult?

I see a lot of posts on here about messy, sloppy, inconsiderate partners and roommates, and wonder what is going on in their heads--I guess this is the answer?

CornedBeef451 · 24/10/2019 20:24

@NoSquirrels I'm glad I'm not the only one!

I have friends who are much nicer to their children but who get treated like indentured servants.

minesagin37 · 24/10/2019 20:41

Choose your battles op! and your times to raise these issues.

MrsAJ27 · 24/10/2019 21:02

I have read all you posts OP and it sounds like you are doing way too much for her. At 10yrs old she should be packing her own bag, and making her own breakfast!

After school everyday tell her what you expect her to do like homework, dinner, bath, PJ's, pack school bag, pick clothes for following day, help make lunch, tidy up her things, TV or internet, brush teeth...before bed tell her the routine for the morning.

Let her know the consequences if she doesn't follow the rules. No TV or internet and earlier bed time. If she cannot get ready on time in the morning get her up earlier.

Original poster
expatinspain · 24/10/2019 21:15

I was that messy child, this interaction played out thousands of times in my house growing up, and I was still a messy child, and now I'm a messy adult with an unmade bed and clothes strewn all over my bedroom. So all the yelling in the world might not do any good I hear you on the yelling. I do think there are some good ideas here to help her to be more tidy and more organised. When she's an adult, she'll be in her own house, so she can be as messy as she likes as I won't have to live with it 😂

OP posts:
perplexedagain · 24/10/2019 21:24

Coming to this late but yes, this would drive me up the wall as well especially the not treating (new) belongings with respect or appreciation Moving forward, i would ask your DD what she thinks she should do to make life easier for you both about this. Explain how you fell and Ask her to come up with some solutions, come up with some of your own and decide a plan of action

Original poster
expatinspain · 24/10/2019 21:25

flouncyfanny She has said sorry, actually in a very sweet way. I didn't get back from work until 9 and she had left a note on my bedroom door and a bag in my room with a ballon with 'I'm sorry' written on and a little note saying that she'd thought about her behaviour and how rude she had been recently and that she's going to improve. She drew a picture with me and her with me wearing a T-shirt saying 'best mum in the world' (she's over egging it there 😂😂) and a pirate of her saying 'I love you, I'm sorry'.

It was a bit late to get into a long conversation, but we had a big hug and I briefly explained how I felt this morning and why I had got so angry. I'll have proper talk with her tomorrow as I don't work on a Friday and have a think about some of the suggestions on here and what might work.

I do do too much for her and maybe a bit of extra responsibility will be a good thing for her as well as some natural consequences. The attitude is another thing to tackle, but I do think some of that is her age. That's another ongoing battle alongside the messiness!!

OP posts:
MoltonSilver · 24/10/2019 21:28

By all means get her to take some more responsibility but you're not going to change her. There will be piles of clothes on the bed for quite a few more years. You're going to have to let some of it go.

Original poster
expatinspain · 24/10/2019 21:31

If you are annoyed that they are taking too long in the morning, you don't make them do something that could easily wait until after school but which will make them late that day! Mixed messages! I completely agree with you. I just came to the end of the line this morning, I wasn't capable of thinking that rationally unfortunately.

OP posts:
Original poster
expatinspain · 24/10/2019 21:38

Explain how you fell and Ask her to come up with some solutions, come up with some of your own and decide a plan of action Good idea. I've done something similar in the past and it worked well. I do miss the days of star charts, she used to love those and used to behave so well for weeks at a time!! Those were the days Smile

OP posts:
carly2803 · 24/10/2019 21:58

well handled OP - i was about to say you were absolutely right to go off the handle!

sometimes its needed. lovely update, she sounds like she will buck her ideas up now

ChicCauldron · 24/10/2019 22:38

My response about the mixed messages was to mbosnz OP, when you are in the thick of a situation I think it's understandable not to consider every eventuality! You simply don't have the time or space to do so!

I hope the mornings run more smoothly from now, your DD has obviously reflected on this morning and sounds a lovely girl.

Original poster
expatinspain · 25/10/2019 07:25

I hope the mornings run more smoothly from now, your DD has obviously reflected on this morning and sounds a lovely girl. Thank you Smile

OP posts:
BellaBattenburg · 25/10/2019 10:07

What was the thread a few months back where the poster absolutely flipped out one morning over her daughters dithering about. She said something really outrageous like I'm going to kill you both...
Half of MN sympathised with her being at the end of her tether ... and half made po-faced comments as if she had issued real death threats to her daughters.

Trewser · 25/10/2019 10:18

Yeah, i was "po faced". I don't think it's normal to threaten to kill your kids. If you get to that point you need to take a good long look at yourself and change things.

Glad it's worked out well OP.

SantanaBinLorry · 25/10/2019 10:34

welcome back Wonder Mum Hmm

Ive treatened to gather all the lose socks in the house place them on my sleeping childrens feet & set fire to them!

Good luck expatinspain your daughter sounds really sweet. Arent they lovely (when they're not being 'orrible!)

Trewser · 25/10/2019 10:52

If not threatening to hurt or kill your kids makes you Wonder Mum the bar must be set pretty low. I'll take the title.

SantanaBinLorry · 25/10/2019 11:01

jeeze, lighten up!

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