Feeling ashamed of how I handled a situation with my daughter this morning

[expatinspain]

I really lost my temper with DD 10 this morning and am feeling awful about it. She ended up really upset and at the time I was angry, but now I'm upset too.

She is just a nightmare with being messy and it drives me insane. This morning it came to a head. We've tried rewards, talking and punishments, but it always seems to end up the same after improving for a while. She's a procrastinator in the mornings and I seem to spend my mornings like a drill Sargent trying to get her out of the door on time. All she has to do in an hour and 15 mins is get dressed, brush her hair and teeth, eat breakfast, make her bed and leave her room in a semi organised state.

She leaves her pyjamas screwed up in a ball on the floor, even though she gets her clothes ready the night before, she puts on different things or tries on different coats and leaves the things she's not wearing screwed up at the bottom of the wardrobe or on the floor hidden, only to be discovered days later. Some of these are new things or just washed. She also spends the morning answering back and arguing about anything and everything or telling me last minute.com about papers she needs signed for school etc.

After a particularly bad morning I went into her room and found a brand new coat screwed up at the end of the bed, stuff on her bed that she'd just covered with the duvet that she couldn't be bothered to put away and I lost my temper. She argued with me and I took everything and threw it in a massive pile on the floor and made her put everything away neatly and really told her off. She was close to tears and really shocked, and she ended up 5 minutes late for school and me rushing to work stressed and upset too.

I will apologise later as I acted out of frustration and it wasn't my finest hour. If anyone has any advice up offer on how to handle things better, it would be very welcome. It's like Groundhog Day every day and I'm so fed up, but don't want to overreact like that again. I've just upset her and myself as I was so pissed off and really shouted at her. Acting in anger is never the best way and I'm not teaching her anything.

I think it does them good to see you lose your shit very occasionally.

I've had to talk to mine about respect as I do their washing etc and it is disrespectful of my time and effort if they then just chuck everything on the floor.

I also like to bore them about how boring housework is and describe in exact, lengthy detail about how disgusting it is to sort through everyone's dirty pants and socks. It sort of works.

I also second removing all choices of clothing and coats to remove trigger points.

If there are complaints I often use the phrase suck it up, possibly not the best parenting but really I have limited patience and interest in all this nonsense and I think it does then good to know I am not inexhaustibly kind.

it feels like a failure of parenting that my child is SO rubbish at keeping track of his belongings and taking any kind of care of them, and makes us late constantly

it really isn't. Children are not automatons, they have free will and do what they like in spite of their upbringing, not because of it! My mum is incredibly fussy about everything. I am not.

I had a DD like that, lived in her own little world... faffing around in the morning looking in the mirror, singing (using her hairbrush as a microphone). Shoes would be ready by the door, next thing one of them would be 'lost' in her bedroom. She was late for school so often, and was not at all bothered by it. She got a letter home, didn't seem to care and said "but Mum, you knew I was late all those days!"

None of it seemed to be upsetting her, it was only upsetting me.

We tried a variety of things, two that worked (a bit) were agreeing that if it took her an extra 15 minutes in the morning to find her shoes / hairbrush etc then we needed to get up 15 minutes earlier every morning (both of us), and that meant she had to go to bed 15 minutes earlier every night - even if that meant missing something on TV, or a family game / snacks etc.

The other thing was 'letting her be', not chasing her, allowing her to be late and chaotic, not taking her to school in the car if she'd missed the bus, not rushing after her with lunch if she'd left it behind. It didn't end the chaos but it gave me some calm in the midst of it. And she did find her other shoe pretty quickly when I said she'd have to go to school wearing one shoe and one wellington boot!
Once a week I did go and sort out her room, find the lost things, pair the shoes, return things to their rightful places. But I always kept a pile of things for her to sort, tidy, put away, at a time when we weren't rushing. If something needed re-ironed, then either she attempted to do it herself or I did it in a way that had an impact on her e.g. I couldn't take her to the shop because I had to iron her clothes... (meanwhile, she had to sit and be bored)

Good luck OP.
Incidentally, dd is a lovely, charming adult now, organises complicated international travel, but when she comes home her room reverts to chaos!

So much sympathy for you. Why don’t you remove every item of clothing from her room. You then give her the clothes she is going to wear every day . Don’t give her a choice of which garments. No say in it at all until she has learnt a lesson. Or you could just shrug your shoulders and keep her bedroom door closed so you don’t have to see or deal with her mess.

bluaelagune that is so true! My DCs (one in particular) are really good with their belongings, they rarely lose/forget anything. Teachers often comment on it because it's so unusual. I'm fairly organised but it's not like I've drummed it into them, it's that they were born that way. If I knew the secret behind getting a 4yo to keep track of his coat, scarf, gloves etc my fortune would be made!

Op I think you did well. And don’t apologise. Tell her you are annoyed still and you need her to change her ways.

10 is old enough and she needs to take you seriously. And I hope she has now.

I see no reason why you should be apologising. She's 10. She's taking the piss. She knows what she is meant to be doing just can't be arsed.

Stand firm and let her know there are boundaries.

I think you did the right thing if I’m being completely honest. My DC are the same, they tend to stuff clothes under the bed or under their duvet to get out of putting them away properly which makes little to no sense to me- it’s just sheer laziness. I have done what you did before, pulled everything I found out from under the bed and made them tidy it away. I don’t think I overreacted, I made them take responsibility for their own mess!

I don't think you need to apologise either, in fact I think that would be a bad thing. But your idea of having a chat with her about why you were angry is a good one. I'd also tell her that if she is trying on many outfits and not putting them away again you will remove half her clothes from her wardrobe and she can have them back when she shows she can look after the ones she's got. Tell her she has another week to show she can hang her stuff up tidily or you will remove things (school week, no point doing it in half term).

I'm in my 50s now and was just laughing with my mum the other day about a memory of her throwing all my toys out of the bedroom window into the front garden because I still hadn't tidied my room. My dad came home to me standing over my Sindy horse crying because it's leg had snapped off! I wasn't eternally damaged by it happening. I'm not sure whether it worked, I can't remember!

santanabinlorry That is something I'm going to try!

Only you know how much you shouted. If I've really lost it at mine then I have apologised, yes, particularly over something as trivial as clothes on the floor.

Dd has a friend whose mum is really strict about tidyness and tbh she hates going round there as its fecking miserable. I'm sure you aren't as anal as she is but try and enjoy your kids they grow up so fast.

I'm in my 50s now and was just laughing with my mum the other day about a memory of her throwing all my toys out of the bedroom window into the front garden because I still hadn't tidied my room

Jesus. I wouldn't have found that funny. Hopefully she learned some self control.

Surely the coat is hers, so if she wants to leave it screwed up on the floor, that's her choice? Yes, she will look crumpled, but, again that's for her to learn.
I suspect the reason she answers you back in the mornings, is that you are nagging her, (you said yourself you sound like a drill sergeant). Why not try backing off completely. Let her try on clothes etc, if she makes herself late, the school will give her a consequence. If she leaves her clothes on the floor, they will be difficult to find/crumpled, again a lesson she will have to learn.
I would explain that you won't be signing letters etc in the morning, so she should give them to you at night, (you could help her by asking her each evening if there is anything for you to sign), but if she doesn't give it to you, then no signing it in the morning. Those are your boundaries.
I think sometimes people work so hard trying to help their dc, that they never allow the dc to make mistakes for them to learn from them.

I would just go through her things and purge, clothes, toys, books, whatever. It'll be easier for her to keep tidy. Also check out signs for ADHD in girls, being messy and disorganised is a classic sign, might not be it but it's better to be sure.

If it makes you feel better, I too lost the plot at my kids this morning. They’re only 5 and 7 but they literally couldn’t resist winding each other up, tripping each other up and generally trashing the place before the school run. I had a right go at them.
I rang school to see if they were Ok and their teacher said yeah they’re fine but that doesn’t stop the mum guilt!

I don't think you should apologise.

Sure you shouted too loud but it happens. Maybe you'll both learn from this and something good will come out of it.

I'm in my 50s now and was just laughing with my mum the other day about a memory of her throwing all my toys out of the bedroom window into the front garden because I still hadn't tidied my room. My dad came home to me standing over my Sindy horse crying because it's leg had snapped off! I wasn't eternally damaged by it happening. I'm not sure whether it worked, I can't remember! That made me laugh 😂

Meh. You didn’t really do much wrong, we all lose our shit sometimes.

I think when you hit “OH MY GOD JUST GET IN THE FUCKING CAR” come back and see me about apologies

Well, technically speaking it's not "nice" to yell, but you know what--it's not nice to behave the way your daughter has behaved.

My own daughter improved a LOT after we started a "points" chart (folding pajamas and putting away, hanging up wet towel and putting undies in washing machine were among the points), and made it clear that her 20 minutes on YouTube every evening do not happen unless every single point is fulfilled for that day.

There is no way we would do "own laundry" though--stuff gets washed together because that's what makes sense in our family. A child can help with hanging things out, though.

Don't be cross with yourself--kids are a pain in the butt and it's normal to lose your rag with them sometimes. If you "apologise" it should really be a "apology with conditions" kind of thing. "I'm sorry if I sounded a bit harsh, but shall we have a think together about WHY I got so angry?" Go through the list of stuff she needs to do with her. Work out a system and be firm.

I really wouldn't make a big apology about this a conversation about frustration and responsibility apologise for losing it if you must but

One school coat ONE set clothes out and stick to them bag packed the night before and get timers a ten minute sand timer go in say ten minutes to get dressed turn the timer put it up high and walk away if not dressed punish

@trewster no she hasn't really, but she had asked me to tidy up for days prior to that event. I didn't laugh at the time, but think it's hilarious now.

Don’t dare apologise! She clearly needed a bit of a rollocking. I’d say the problem is under reactions to now. Of course you don’t want to end up essentially bullying her into doing what she’s told but that’s where you’re at now because she hasn’t learned responsibility and cooperation yet. So maybe make a plan for how to train her going forward in a more positive way.

But ultimately losing it at a lazy unhelpful person who is using you to do their grunt work is not an issue. And might make her think a bit more carefully going forward. Because if you don’t fix it now......

Don't apologise- I don't think you've done anything wrong

'Poor girl'? No wonder there are so many entitled brats about.

Re clothes on the floor:

The problem is that: a) If they get into a habit of leaving clothes on the floor in their room, they will inevitably start doing the same all over the house out of sheer habit b) you can't clean properly in a room when there is stuff everywhere.

My advice is "don't sweat the small stuff." Presumably you want her to be dressed for school and in a decent mood going out the door ready to learn. So concentrate on that. I'd drop the tidying her room and making her bed in the mornings if that is the source of argument. Getting some food in and her hair brushed and out on time is more important at that point in the day.

After she has had a bit of R&R after school, then I'd get her to tidy up. If you must, have a room inspection at the weekend and deal with clothes issues then. Also, sit down as a ritual (Sunday morning perhaps?) and have a chat about homework due, letters from school etc.

Your DD probably doesn't understand herself why she is being intractable about the issue, hiding the things takes as long as hanging them up. I think we can all remember times when we have acted against our own best interests.

Seriously, you don't need the hassle in the mornings.