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Original poster

Should I tell DDs friends parents of abortion?

272 replies

Iwouldwanttoknow · 22/10/2019 12:48

NC as I don't want this linked to usual name.

Dd is 15, she has spent Sunday with her best friend (also 15, will refer to her as A). She told DD she is 6 weeks pregnant (has boyfriend the same age). After some persuasion from DD , A agreed she could tell me as needs help. Yesterday A came round, I spoke to her and she wants an abortion however she has begged me not tell her parents as they are very religious (they are JW). I'm really torn as I think her parents should know but A is saying they will disown her and throw her out. But if it was DD I would want to know. A is coming round later and I have arranged for her to have some counselling privately tomorrow as the wait was too long via the NHS (but I really feel as if I'm over stepping even here). I don't know much about JW as a religion but as with all religions there is some who will follow it more strictly than others. I spoke to DD privately and she said from what A has said before this A's parents seem very strict and she is worried A would do something to harm herself if I told her parents.

What should I do? Inform the parents or just support A? I think its because I keep thinking I would want a parent to inform me.

OP posts:
Branleuse · 22/10/2019 16:07

Please dont tell her parents.

If my child felt they couldnt talk to me about something then I would really hope that there was at least someone out there they could, no matter how hard that is for me. The poor girl is probably terrified

HereComeTheSuffragettesAGAIN · 22/10/2019 16:07

Her parents won't find out eventually anyway. She will never admit this to them if she wants to have any sort of relationship with them or her siblings.

And of course OP will be partly to blame, she doesn't have to tell them. Choosing to would be very cruel, especially now she's been informed on how JWs are.

tigger001 · 22/10/2019 16:07

If you do tell her parents - please be prepared to take the responsibility the fact that she may lose all family support forever

I'm not sure responsibility is the right term, she needs to be aware this is a consequence of her telling them.

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 22/10/2019 16:08

Please don't tell this girl's parents, OP. Like you, as a mother, I would want to know, (and am lucky that my child trusts me enough to confide in me in any case, because they know I will help) but this girl's circumstances are not "normal" and her parents would undoubtedly make things a whole lot worse for her than the already unpleasant situation she is in at the moment.

UrkStarkadder · 22/10/2019 16:09

DO NOT TELL HER PARENTS.
Sorry for shouty caps but this is not your news to share. Just because you know does not mean you have a responsibility to tell.
You say that if the circumstances were reversed and it was your DD you would want to know, however I get the feeling you and your DD’s relationship is very different to the friend and her parents relationship.
Your DD would probably share this with you, since she saw you as a safe person for her friend to talk to.
Don’t fuck this up- this girl has taken a chance trusting you, please don’t make her regret that. JW’s are not going to be cool about this- they’d probably excommunicate her, the mad bastards.

messolini9 · 22/10/2019 16:09

I'm really torn as I think her parents should know

Ideally yes - but not if they are going to dosown or cause strife due to religious discord.

It's not their body, it's not their pregnancy, & it's not their decision.

Don't ruin her life.
Don't allow your DD's support & trustworthiness to be in doubt.

PrimalLass · 22/10/2019 16:10

If you tell the parents then you own child will never trust you again. Don't you dare.

SoupDragon · 22/10/2019 16:12

Thank goodness this girl has you to trust with this!

Feelingguilty1 · 22/10/2019 16:13

So relieved to read your update that you’re not going to tell A’s parents. No good would come from telling them.

I didn’t have anyone to talk to, but I was that young girl in that situation once. My parents knowing would have been horrendous. I did have an abortion and I was completely alone.

I will never regret not telling my very religious parents. They would not have supported me: they would have been furious with me, and would never have looked at me the same way again. I am an adult now, and I am still sure of that. And I have absolutely NO regrets about the abortion. A is lucky to have your DD and you. I can’t tell you how lonely it was going it all alone.

Billben · 22/10/2019 16:13

If you tell the parents then you own child will never trust you again

^This. Your own DD will lose her trust in you.

Original poster
Iwouldwanttoknow · 22/10/2019 16:19

I'm not telling her parents.

I called sexual health clinic as that's listed for abortion advice and referrals, they were a waste of time (and really fucking uncaring-still reeling from the call!). @alana1 thank you so much Brook were amazing really kind and understanding. They have explained everything, it will be 2 tablets.

I'm sorry to ask for further advice but A is adamant her parents will not let her stay for any reason. Im now secretly stressing (don't want to worry DD or A) that she may become very unwell overnight. If I took her early in the morning and she stayed with us for most of the day would that work?

@Lilacviolet- sexual health clinic recommended counselling. Im not a professional and that's who this 15 year old needs to speak to. I have always told my DD that if she needs support or guidance she can always turn to me and that's exactly what she did.

THANK YOU for all of the advice and links it's been really helpful.

Normally I really am a competent adult (honestly!) I just struggled a bit with this, even when I initially posted I was 95% certain I shouldn't tell her parents but glad that I'm now 100% sure. I've never really met or been close to anyone that was JW so really didn't know how strict it was (have been googling now and some of it is so awful). Sorry if I take a while to respond now as I'm supposed to be working from home and haven't really got much done today. Thank you again, this is exactly what internet forums are for.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 22/10/2019 16:24

A needs to discuss the details when she goes for her pre abortion appointment. I worry about you leading this too much.

Make sure she can access the professionals and let them deal with her.

Feelingguilty1 · 22/10/2019 16:27

Yes when I had my abortion, it was the 2 pills. It felt like having diarrhea. I don’t think anyone would have guessed it was anything else. Too the pills late morning (I think), and am sure it was all over by bedtime.

Poor girl.

Original poster
Iwouldwanttoknow · 22/10/2019 16:27

@Tohavefarted Flowers that's awful and I hope you are ok.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 22/10/2019 16:28

I'm sorry to ask for further advice but A is adamant her parents will not let her stay for any reason. Im now secretly stressing (don't want to worry DD or A) that she may become very unwell overnight. If I took her early in the morning and she stayed with us for most of the day would that work?

I agree with the PP that you can facilitate but not lead, but I know that you are just being the adult in the situation and looking at every scenario.

They’ll give her all this advice but there is no reason she should become very unwell. It will be like a very heavy period. However, if she does become unwell or scared, then she needs to know what to do.

Certainly I think for peace of mind if she can be with you for most of the day that would be good.

QueenofPain · 22/10/2019 16:28

Do not tell her parents. Health care professionals wouldn’t tell her parents.

From what you’ve said her parents aren’t going to provide her with any kind of emotional support, so what’s to gain from telling them?

iCrochetSoIDontKillPeople · 22/10/2019 16:34

I am JW and I know for sure she would be treated with love and respect over something like this.

I am deeply religious but definitely would support and help my 15 year old daughter if this happened to her.

Don't write the parents off. By all means keep it from them if that's her wishes.

Please don't tar us all with preconceived ideas.

BlueLadybird · 22/10/2019 16:40

Could she stay with you overnight afterwards?

Original poster
Iwouldwanttoknow · 22/10/2019 16:40

To those implying I'm leading her, I've made calls that she has asked me to make. She is unable to speak on the phone as she ends up crying. I've told her I can do what she wants - she wanted to speak to someone until they said it would be around 3 weeks wait for a counsellor then she said she didn't want to wait. Fortunately I am in the position to be able to pay for the counselling privately, that's what I have done. She is still so young, and seems even younger in this situation. She was able to speak to the person at Brook as they were so kind so we gave her privacy by leaving the room. She then came into the study and asked them to repeat everything to me. I am trying to do what's right for her, and what she wants without making her upset or feel like shit. She is a lovely girl and is painfully shy so I know it must be really hard for her to talk to me openly.

OP posts:
Sagradafamiliar · 22/10/2019 16:41

You absolutely have to take a step back. The patient needs to engage with the medical staff, not you.
Yes, she will be fine to go home after the first tablet. No one will know she's having an abortion and she will be able to call the clinic if she has concerns but if she wants to be around support, then yes she'll be ok to be at yours. No reason for an overnight stay though.

Sagradafamiliar · 22/10/2019 16:43

Again, the counselling option will be available at the appointment, before and after the termination.
She needs an abortion. There isn't really much time for extended counselling services beforehand.

CountFosco · 22/10/2019 16:45

Glad you've name changed but be careful about putting too many details (particularly about your location but also days etc when things happen) in case a JW reads this thread and recognises the situation.

bengalcat · 22/10/2019 16:45

JW’s don’t approve of abortion so she is guaranteed not to get any support at home for this .
She just needs an appointment at BPAS . They will look after everything including all the safeguarding issues . You’ve no need to worry that she can’t stay overnight with you . BPAS will discuss all the issues pertinent to her including what to do and who to call should she experience any concerns . In the relatively unlikely event she bleeds so heavily she needs to seek medical advice from fhe NHS/ A and E all doctors will preserve her confidentiality , bleeding from abortion or miscarriage mimics a rather heavy period which is not unusual in teenagers so should this occur this is all she would need to tell family . It will all be ok . All she needs to do is get to BPAS - these scenarios and the beliefs of JW’s are familiar territory for healthcare workers .

BertrandRussell · 22/10/2019 16:46

My dd bled very heavily and had a lot of pain. Not everybody’s experience is the same- but it would gave been very difficult for her to carry on with normal life as if nothing was happening.

HauntedmessFrogbeaver · 22/10/2019 16:47

Please be very careful about what you do and say with this girl. Refer her to professionals for advice then step back. Do not give advice on what she should do directly. Been there with youth workers. Be very very careful.