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Original poster

Should I tell DDs friends parents of abortion?

272 replies

Iwouldwanttoknow · 22/10/2019 12:48

NC as I don't want this linked to usual name.

Dd is 15, she has spent Sunday with her best friend (also 15, will refer to her as A). She told DD she is 6 weeks pregnant (has boyfriend the same age). After some persuasion from DD , A agreed she could tell me as needs help. Yesterday A came round, I spoke to her and she wants an abortion however she has begged me not tell her parents as they are very religious (they are JW). I'm really torn as I think her parents should know but A is saying they will disown her and throw her out. But if it was DD I would want to know. A is coming round later and I have arranged for her to have some counselling privately tomorrow as the wait was too long via the NHS (but I really feel as if I'm over stepping even here). I don't know much about JW as a religion but as with all religions there is some who will follow it more strictly than others. I spoke to DD privately and she said from what A has said before this A's parents seem very strict and she is worried A would do something to harm herself if I told her parents.

What should I do? Inform the parents or just support A? I think its because I keep thinking I would want a parent to inform me.

OP posts:
dietcokemum · 22/10/2019 17:41

I think its because I keep thinking I would want a parent to inform me

Just noticed this.
You are a good parent, I assume, who would put your children's medical needs first. JW's put their beliefs ahead of their children's medical needs. That's the difference.

Crystal87 · 22/10/2019 17:54

Don't tell. You can't know that her parents would be as supportive as you would be in the same situation. It could make her life hell. Also, if you don't want the responsibility, then don't. You don't have to make this your business, so tell your daughter you don't want to be involved any further.

Crystal87 · 22/10/2019 17:59

You know what I really don't think you should have taken this upon yourself OP. She's not your child. I'd give her basic details of what to do, but there's no need for you to be in the centre of it.

Bert99 · 22/10/2019 18:01

@JayDot500 Thank you

slipperywhensparticus · 22/10/2019 18:04

Not their body not their business

LilyJade · 22/10/2019 18:43

This reminds me of a situation with my younger sisters 16 year old friend in the 90s.
Poor girl was date raped then found she was pregnant- she couldt tell her strict parents so asked my mum to arrange an abortion for her.
Unfortunately she had no counselling around the rape so ended up having a breakdown & was sectioned...

The situation with your DDs friend is different OP as she hasn't been raped.
Please don't tell her parents, but do try to make sure she gets some counselling after the abortion.

Elbowedout · 22/10/2019 19:08

When you say "I would want to know if I were them" what you actually mean is "They would want to know if they were me". And they are not. You clearly have a good relationship with your daughter and if she were in this position it seems likely that she would be able to tell you and that you would support her. Clearly A doesn't believe this to be the case with her parents. Whether her parents would want to know is not really the issue here. She doesn't want them to know, and it sounds that she has spoken to you believing that you would respect her wishes. It is a difficult situation for you I am sure, but please don't destroy that trust.

DoctorMarten · 22/10/2019 19:12

The JW parents I l know kicked out their 15 yo daughter. Things have not changed since.

Hamandcheesebaguette · 22/10/2019 20:27

I really feel for this young girl, and for you OP. I truly believe you are doing the right thing.

To help you decide r.e. the timings and no sleepovers etc I recently had an abortion so TRIGGER WARNING abortion description coming.

I took one tablet one day and sent home with a few (6?) other tablets and instructed to take them 48 hours later. Nothing happened physically after the first tablet (this tablet does end the pregnancy by stopping it from developing further).

48 hours later I took the 2nd lot of tablets (I think 4 initially). You can choose to take them orally or insert them vaginally. I was told that if you take them orally they can make you quite sick and vomitty for a couple of hours so I chose to insert them. I was also given some dihydracodeine (sp?) to take, so I took 2 of those and I fell asleep. Pain wise, thanks to the dihydracodeine I didn't feel a thing. I woke up a couple of hours later bleeding very heavily and passing large clots (about the size of my hand). This lasted for about 4 hours and then it slowed down to a heavy period for about 1 week, then like a normal period for another week.

So, if you can get the timings right, it is possible if the tablets are taken early in the morning for the worst to be over by late afternoon and she should be fine to go home.

I hope that helps, even if just a little bit.

Year1mumma · 22/10/2019 20:32

Don’t tell her parents, I confined in a friends mum when I needed an abortion at a similar age - she was my rock and I still think of her with so much love for that all these years later.

RainyParis · 22/10/2019 22:35

You've been great OP. A is very lucky to have you and your DD around at her time of need Thanks

I agree that you need to find a way to manage yourself here so that you are not feeling stressed and anxious. This is partly for you, your DD, and partly for A's benefit also. I work with young people in difficult situations and although it can be very challenging and potentially stressful, youth workers have to remain calm throughout. I do get it- There are so many young people I've wished I could take home with me, cook them a hot meal, offer them my spare room etc, but it has to be boundaried. I know you're not a youth worker, you're just her friends Mum and you've found yourself involved. You've been so kind. Just keep an eye on things and try if you can (I know it's tough) to keep a clear head and a slight sense of objectivity- even though you must just want to adopt her.

You've got the steps in place now. Help her by providing a safe room to rest in on the day of the tablets, and then be there for her to check in with on the days afterwards. In the meantime don't forget to look after you and your DD. X

Walnutwhipster · 23/10/2019 01:09

@iCrochetSoIDontKillPeople so when she's disfellowshipped and shunned you'd turn your back on your faith to support her? I know a mum from my old congregation who has walked away from 'the truth' to be able to support her disfellowshipped daughter who recently gave birth to a disabled child. The choice was very clear.

PurpleDaisies · 24/10/2019 08:53

What’s happened with the girl op?

BalthazarImpresario · 24/10/2019 09:12

Again for the do not tell them, if the GP doesn't think she is capable of that decision let them be the one to break the trust.

I know someone who was shunned by the whole community and forced to leave all he knew because he broke a JW 'rule' (including elders and other members telling his son that he just didn't love him enough & that's why he left, luckily he had a great relationship with his son despite the protests of the community) its not in her best interest for her parents to know.

ilovetofu · 24/10/2019 09:18

I appreciate why people are saying don't break her trust. But wouldn't the doctors tell her parents though as she's under 16? Could be out if your hands anyway op. I would point her in the direction of Marie Stopes & let her know that she can have pills at this early stage she won't need an operation.
Really hard situation. I feel for you.
But it's great that your daughter felt enough trust in you to ask for help.
Good luck!

PurpleDaisies · 24/10/2019 09:19

But wouldn't the doctors tell her parents though as she's under 16?

No, not automatically. It depends on her maturity.

Sagradafamiliar · 24/10/2019 09:20

No. Even the doctor won't know about it unless she wants them to. Even then, no. Patient confidentiality.

Sagradafamiliar · 24/10/2019 09:21

It depends on nothing as long as there are no additional needs.

JumpiestBat · 24/10/2019 09:28

Knowing a fair but about JW there's no way I would betray her confidence. Some are excruciating cruel with excommunication and she really could end up homeless.

icannotremember · 24/10/2019 09:58

Of course you shouldn't tell them.

And medical professionals will assess whether she is Gillick competent. They don't just wing it or make 'if I was her mum I'd want to know' decisions- there is a proper framework in place for this: learning.nspcc.org.uk/research-resources/briefings/gillick-competency-and-fraser-guidelines/

Lessstressedhemum · 24/10/2019 11:38

I'm an ex JW. An apostate if you will. A lot will depend on whether the girl is baptized or not. But, if she is, she will be hauled in front of the elders to "discuss". They will make her talk about everything, even how and when she had sex. And then, the likelihood is that she will be disfellowshiped. In that case, even if her parents allow her to stay at home, she will be shunned. Not just by her family but by her whole community, unt she repents and then she might be allowed to gradually return to the fold. Even so, she would be kept on the fringes of the congregation and viewed as weak in the truth.

I'm surprised she has a boyfriend. JWs don't date, as such. They go out in groups and when they find someone that they are interested in it is expected to be a serious enough interest to lead to marriage. Any "dates" between unmarried couples require a chaperone.
The poor girl needs support, so does the boy if he is a JW as well. If anyone found out about their relationship, he risks being disfellowshiped too.

And the girl's parents will absolutely not let her stay over in a non JW household. I'm actually surprised that she is allowed to be friends with your DD.

Whattodoabout · 24/10/2019 11:43

Please, please do not tell.

I have two friends who were raised JW and have been ‘disfellowshipped’ as adults because they came out as gay. One of them married a woman to prevent it happening but just couldn’t live with the lie so divorced and came out, they disfellowshipped and his family disowned him too.

JW are not like casual Christians who may go to church some weeks if they have nothing else going on. They take their religion incredibly seriously, the girl isn’t lying about this, she probably would be disowned purely for having sex.

Do the right thing here, do not betray the poor girl’s trust.

Mumof21989 · 24/10/2019 11:55

Honestly respect her choice. I had a very sad experience as a teenager. I was pregnant at 18 years old and my parents were furious when they found out. My dad stopped talking too me. My mum wouldn't help me. I had horrible sickness and they wouldn't even make me a drink or toast. I was absolutely heartbroken and laid in bed pretty much for a month scared and alone. I sadly at nine weeks was too alone and sad to keep going. I felt terrible from the sickness and stress. I didn't think I could get through it anymore and to please my parents I booked an abortion. My mum didn't stop cleaning when I told her.On the day my bfs mum picked me up. She looked after me at the hospital. She got me chocolates and magazines afterwards. She drove me to hers after and let me rest . She was a nurse so I was lucky she was there for me. I went home that night and my parents watched Emmerdale and asked me nothing more. I cried in my rooms for days in private. I put on a brave face in the day and muddled back into my old life. I have never ever wrote this down on a forum and I have never told anyone I've met in the last ten years. It's very easy to judge. Whilst I know I was irresponsible with the right love and support I would of been able to be a mum to that baby. I was so alone and didn't know what to do. I feel for this girl so much. I've always vowed ever since I will always be there for my daughter or my son's partners if this ever happens. She may be feeling it's her only choice if her parents are unapproachable. Whilst parents have the right to be disappointed, concerned and even upset eventually they should be able to support their child and help her feel like she is not alone. Sadly I never got that. As a thirty year old women now with two children it upsets me to even think about it.

StuffYouAllInTheCrust · 24/10/2019 20:50

Thank goodness for people like you OP. I would hope the my dd would always feel comfortable talking to me about anything but I hope that if for whatever reason, she felt she couldn’t that she would have someone like you to turn to. It’s not an easy situation for either of you to be in but I truly believe you are doing the right thing.

And Mumof21989 I’m so sorry for what you went through Flowers

Nottoomuchgarlic · 24/10/2019 23:02

Flowers mumof what a sad story. I’m glad you have two lovely children now.
As you’ve pointed out, A needs to be able to work her way through it all. I hope she finds good counselling.