Should I tell DDs friends parents of abortion?

[Iwouldwanttoknow]

NC as I don't want this linked to usual name.

Dd is 15, she has spent Sunday with her best friend (also 15, will refer to her as A). She told DD she is 6 weeks pregnant (has boyfriend the same age). After some persuasion from DD , A agreed she could tell me as needs help. Yesterday A came round, I spoke to her and she wants an abortion however she has begged me not tell her parents as they are very religious (they are JW). I'm really torn as I think her parents should know but A is saying they will disown her and throw her out. But if it was DD I would want to know. A is coming round later and I have arranged for her to have some counselling privately tomorrow as the wait was too long via the NHS (but I really feel as if I'm over stepping even here). I don't know much about JW as a religion but as with all religions there is some who will follow it more strictly than others. I spoke to DD privately and she said from what A has said before this A's parents seem very strict and she is worried A would do something to harm herself if I told her parents.

What should I do? Inform the parents or just support A? I think its because I keep thinking I would want a parent to inform me.

[WelcomeToGilead]

So glad all went well and that so far she seems to be OK.
Thank god for people like you

[Bluntness100]

Well done op, you've handled this really well and supported her as she needed. This was a huge ask on you, and you had to take it on her word that her parents would put their religion above their own child. If she wishes them to know it's her place to tell them no one else's.

You really should be at peace with your decision.

[CountFosco]

@elizalovelace @SummerBreezeAutumnLeaves

FFS on a thread with several hundred posts that was started two weeks ago maybe, just maybe it might be worth reading the last few posts at the very least to see if things have moved on before jumping in with an unconsidered response.

OP you've been fab and I'm sure your DDs friend (and your DD) are very grateful for your help.

[SummerBreezeAutumnLeaves]

Absolutely no fucking way!

[elizalovelace]

TBH OP Im shocked you even considered breaking her trust.

[NoSquirrels]

OP. Best wishes to A, you have offered her a calm port in a storm. I’m sure she values it greatly.

[Bluetrews25]

OP, thank you for what you did.
Best wishes to A.

[DeRigueurMortis]

I think you handled a difficult situation impeccably OP.

I'm sure A will be in a better place emotionally now and in the future as a result of your support.

It's a terribly sad situation that a child had to go through this with the added burden of fear of her parents finding out and the severe repercussions had they done so.

I may get flamed for this, but frankly don't care - if as a parent your response to an issue such as this would be to disown your child then you don't deserve their confidence.

A friend a school was in a similar situation. Parents very religious (though not JW) and had very, very strict rules.

The upshot was when she finally rebelled, having no idea of "reasonable" boundaries, she did so with bells on. Her relationship with her parents never recovered, in part because they couldn't acknowledge their part in binding her to their faith/morality/expectations so tightly they'd given her little choice but to break free in order for her to become a person in her own right.

She sought help from a close friend and their parents who are now like family to her - more so than her own parents. Her life is her own and she's a happily married atheist with 3 smashing children whom her parents will never know.

[lunar1]

I'm so glad she had you to support her, things could have been so different if she had nobody.

[Disfordarkchocolate]

Your last post bought tears to my eyes. I'm so glad she had someone to act the way she needed her mother too but knew she wouldn't. I am deeply against abortion, but the only person I impose that belief on is me. It's a personal choice and I'm so glad she had someone who let her come to her own decision. Take care.

[tisonlymeagain]

I think you are awesome and have done exactly the right thing. She's very lucky to have you.

[FudgeBrownie2019]

OP you are incredible.

All young women should be able to access the kindness and support you've shown A. Coming from someone she respects and trust, you've shown her how she deserves to be treated, you've respected her feelings and needs and you've given her comfort with no strings attached. I don't often say nice things online because it's a bit gushy, but you're just brilliant.

[SoupDragon]

I think you did exactly the right thing. I hope she recovers from this and manages to move on with her life (I don't mean that in a flippant way!)

[Iwouldwanttoknow]

I thought I would update this thread as so many provided support and help when I needed it. A had a medical abortion last week, was fine after the first tablets but in quite a bit of pain after the second lot. She couldn't stay overnight but we arranged the appointment for 8am and she stayed with me and DD most of the day. She is doing well and has been popping in quickly most evenings for a chat, hot chocolate and a hug (I actually feel quite sad for her when she goes home now). I obviously haven't told her parents and don't plan too.

I just wanted to thank @Hamandcheesebaguette, your post really helped and @Mumof21989 your post is so sad and you sound so lovely and such a great parent.

I appreciate there are some that don't agree with my actions or feel like I was too involved. I actually stepped back from this thread to consider my behaviour but I believe I did the right thing by supporting her as much as I could and doing what she asked. I decided to take the stance that I would have taken with my DD which was give her as much info as I could and tell her I would support her in her decision and would help any way that I could (and yes I considered that if she wanted the baby that would mean housing and financially supporting her). I'm glad that she felt she had options and chose the one she wanted and wasn't forced into anything.

[Overseasmom100]

@Iwouldwanttoknow How's things going?

[Loaf90]

Oh my god no don't tell them. Poor girl, you'll be putting her at serious risk

[Mumof21989]

@pearlsbeforewine

Its nice to know I'm not alone. I don't cry that often tbh. I well up at films and stuff sometimes. I am sorry you also had a parent like it. It really does affect you. It's all about the balance isn't it. I hug my kids and kiss them but everytime they fall I don't run to them with fuss. I am very aware like you of what it feels like to want to be comforted. I honestly think it bashes your confidence and affects your future. I've had people say I can't blame my mum for how I feel as an adult. You can tell those people have never been through it. Let's hope we break the cycle x

[PearlsBeforeWine]

Yes, @Mumof21989 you seem to have a v similar relationship with her as I do with my dad. And at times my mum has been brusque and insensitive but mainly warm and supportive. I find myself gritting my teeth at times with my eldest as he makes a huge fuss over nothing and does full on snot face weeping if he so much as bashes a knee.... (he is 10)...And I have to reign myself in and remember how awful it is to have your feelings invalidated and criticised...
Somwtimes.all.you want is comfort.

[Mumof21989]

@PearlsBeforeWine I do see them. I have alot of things in my head about my mum and since becoming a mum they have come to the surface. It's hard to explain her to people as she took care of all our visible needs but not the emotional ones. She never hurt us physically but emotionally I feel she has damaged all four of us. My two oldest sisters have said bits to me over the years to indicate they feel the same. My sister who's just a year older than me tends to be abit blind to it. She has ended up with a streak of mum in her towards her own kids as I've noticed she isn't very warm and encouraging when they are upset and she doesn't seem to see the emotional love and support they need at times...

We were never hugged and I have alot of memories of her making me feel like an idiot for crying. When our dog died I was heartbroken and I remember being 17 and sobbing My heart out on the landing. I said something ridiculous (I want him to come back) and remember her just walking down the stairs and saying don't be so stupid. Years later she said I had no time to grieve as you were in such a bluddy state. I never understood why she said that as she has never cried in my whole life as far as I know. She could of hugged me and said I miss him too rather than walk away.

There have been times when I've split from partner's etc and she's carried on peeling the veg whilst I've cried at the kitchen table.

You know those posts on mother's Day when people say If I am half the mum you are ill be amazing etc? I always read them and think I can't relate.

I often wonder who I would of been of I had had a different type of mum. Its sad I feel that way but she has let me down quite alot over the years and always made me feel like my problems affect her and her only.

[PearlsBeforeWine]

@Mumof21989

You story really upset me, such cruelty. How are things now with your parents?

I can't imagine not supporting my children

[sashh]

DO NOT TELL THE PARENTS.

JW's are not just ultra strict she would have to go to a 'judicial committee' with is 3 men who will question her about the abortion and about her sex life. In detail. Exactly what she has done and when.

The next step is 'disfellowship', this means no one at her congregation will speak to her, if she wants to continue as a JW she will be expected to attend meetings twice a week, sit at the back and be ignored by the entire congregation, this can go on for 2 - 3 years.

If she doesn't want to continue as a JW and her parents do then they will shun her, this means they will not talk to her, SMS her, contact her in any way, as will her entire congregation, and most of her friends will be JWs.

If the bf is a JW this will also happen to him.

[AvocadosBeforeMortgages]

Yet another to add to the chorus of "don't tell the parents".

Is the girl academically minded? Useful information for the not so distant future is that she won't be allowed to do A Levels and go to university. Instead she'll be put onto a vocational college course, regardless of her abilities and ambitions. I was at school with two JWs who got a string of A* and A grade GCSEs but were both prevented from doing A Levels and were made to do college courses in things like childcare. You could see in their eyes they desperately wanted to stay on in the sixth form.

I don't think I've ever forgiven or forgotten the wanton waste of talent and ability those girls had.

[Nottoomuchgarlic]

mumof what a sad story. I’m glad you have two lovely children now.
As you’ve pointed out, A needs to be able to work her way through it all. I hope she finds good counselling.

[StuffYouAllInTheCrust]

Thank goodness for people like you OP. I would hope the my dd would always feel comfortable talking to me about anything but I hope that if for whatever reason, she felt she couldn’t that she would have someone like you to turn to. It’s not an easy situation for either of you to be in but I truly believe you are doing the right thing.

And Mumof21989 I’m so sorry for what you went through

[Mumof21989]

Honestly respect her choice. I had a very sad experience as a teenager. I was pregnant at 18 years old and my parents were furious when they found out. My dad stopped talking too me. My mum wouldn't help me. I had horrible sickness and they wouldn't even make me a drink or toast. I was absolutely heartbroken and laid in bed pretty much for a month scared and alone. I sadly at nine weeks was too alone and sad to keep going. I felt terrible from the sickness and stress. I didn't think I could get through it anymore and to please my parents I booked an abortion. My mum didn't stop cleaning when I told her.On the day my bfs mum picked me up. She looked after me at the hospital. She got me chocolates and magazines afterwards. She drove me to hers after and let me rest . She was a nurse so I was lucky she was there for me. I went home that night and my parents watched Emmerdale and asked me nothing more. I cried in my rooms for days in private. I put on a brave face in the day and muddled back into my old life. I have never ever wrote this down on a forum and I have never told anyone I've met in the last ten years. It's very easy to judge. Whilst I know I was irresponsible with the right love and support I would of been able to be a mum to that baby. I was so alone and didn't know what to do. I feel for this girl so much. I've always vowed ever since I will always be there for my daughter or my son's partners if this ever happens. She may be feeling it's her only choice if her parents are unapproachable. Whilst parents have the right to be disappointed, concerned and even upset eventually they should be able to support their child and help her feel like she is not alone. Sadly I never got that. As a thirty year old women now with two children it upsets me to even think about it.