Should I tell DDs friends parents of abortion?

[Iwouldwanttoknow]

NC as I don't want this linked to usual name.

Dd is 15, she has spent Sunday with her best friend (also 15, will refer to her as A). She told DD she is 6 weeks pregnant (has boyfriend the same age). After some persuasion from DD , A agreed she could tell me as needs help. Yesterday A came round, I spoke to her and she wants an abortion however she has begged me not tell her parents as they are very religious (they are JW). I'm really torn as I think her parents should know but A is saying they will disown her and throw her out. But if it was DD I would want to know. A is coming round later and I have arranged for her to have some counselling privately tomorrow as the wait was too long via the NHS (but I really feel as if I'm over stepping even here). I don't know much about JW as a religion but as with all religions there is some who will follow it more strictly than others. I spoke to DD privately and she said from what A has said before this A's parents seem very strict and she is worried A would do something to harm herself if I told her parents.

What should I do? Inform the parents or just support A? I think its because I keep thinking I would want a parent to inform me.

[InsertFunnyUsername]

Just agreeing with everyone else not to tell the parents. Even as a parent I find the damage that could potentially be caused by informing them is too risky, the child in need comes first. All that will happen is she will end up having the abortion anyway but be disowned by her family she shouldn't have to go through both. Well done OP on raising a bright DD who knew her DM would have the answer 🙂

[InsertFunnyUsername]

Or forced to keep the baby and still be disowned*

[MirandaGoshawk]

Absolutely don't break her trust. She has a very good reason for not telling her parents and once they know it will be out of your hands - you can bet it won't be a good outcome.

[PurpleDaisies]

I think the PP who said you'd break your own daughter's trust as well as an excellent point.

I actually don’t think think that’s relevant at all-if it’s something that needs to be shared, it needs to be shared. It’s a bonus if the daughter’s trust can be kept but that shouldn’t be a consideration at all in thinking about what to do next.

I wouldn’t tell the parents. I’d seek advice from BPAS, or possibly the NSPCC about how to handle it. You seem lovely, and it’s great you’ve got such a good relationship with your daughter.

[user764329056]

Poor girl, please keep her confidence OP and continue supporting her, she must be terrified and so vulnerable

[LL83]

I knew a JW who was shunned by community for having a boyfriend. Her parents let her live at home but basically ignored her. I would take the girls concern seriously.

[JayDot500]

Please please don't say anything to her parents.

They are JWs! She would be put in front of men (elders, who will preside over a judicial committee) and have to describe every single bad thing she has done (inc sex acts) before they disfellowship her and she will be shunned by her family and friends until she is reproved.

This isn't your normal situation. You will ruin her life.

[mbosnz]

With my girls, I tell them that what they tell me in confidence, is kept in confidence, unless keeping that confidence puts them, or someone else at risk, either physically or mentally. When they tell me things about their friends, that is also shared on that basis.

Here, the risk of physical or mental harm would be if you did break that confidence.

[RainyParis]

OP I work with young people in London. There's a support clinic especially for young people called Pulse, which is in Islington but if I remember rightly they offer free advice to young people from all over London. Them and BPAS are probably the way to go.

Refer her as quickly as possible and get her seen. Thank goodness for her that she has you.

Re the overnight excuse- does A have any ideas about things which her parents might allow? Eg if you said it was a family meal to celebrate something and your DD has specifically asked that A attend? You probably need to make it sound really family oriented / wholesome to get them to agree if they don't normally allow her out. But see what the clinics advise.

[mamandematribu]

Her parents will find out eventually anyway.

[Lilacviolet]

This will be an unpopular opinion and I’m sorry if I cause you any offence at all, OP, but precisely who do you and your DD think you are?

First your DD pressures this poor girl into telling you: no sooner than she has done so you arrange counselling for her (did she indicate she wanted this? It sounds to me she wanted an abortion, not counselling) and not content with telling her parents, you tell all of MN.

I can’t agree with the great mum comment. I think you have both been inappropriate, officious and overstepped the mark.

[Lilacviolet]

How, mama?

[Slappadabass]

I can't believe your even considering telling them, ofcorse you shouldn't!

[Bluesunglasses]

I had a friend at college whose parents were JW. She came to my 18th birthday party, she was also 18 so not a minor, and they thought she was at a sleepover, but when they called the friends house she was meant to be at and she wasn't there they tracked her down by logging onto her Facebook, stormed my birthday party and dragged her out and threatened to call the police on us. Very dramatic and horrible to witness, she wasn't even allowed to attend college for weeks. In the end they did disown her (not because she came to my party, of course, but because she didn't want to 'date' within her allowed field of selected JW boys), and she legally changed her name and AFAIK, never spoke to them again after she left home.

I respect others religious beliefs but some are more extreme than others and you have no idea what these parents will do.

It's great that you want to help her if she wants it but this isn't your usual situation. I'm glad you've decided to not tell them

[viques]

Is her boyfriend also a JW? I don't want to put additional stress on the situation, but if he is then he will also be under a great deal of strain about the situation and might find the need to disclose to someone overwhelming. Is there a trusted teacher at his school who he could talk to? OBviously the situation with A takes precedence, but he is a young and vunerable young person too, especially if he is coming from a JW background.

[HigherFurtherFasterBaby]

You say NOTHING.

She is legally entitled to have an abortion without her parents being notified.

[TimeForNewStart]

So pleased you’re not telling!

[AcrossthePond55]

In my early 20s I helped arrange an abortion for one of my nieces (then in her teens) and she came to my house overnight to rest and take it easy afterwards. We told her parents we were going shopping for the day then getting takeaway and watching movies.

If she'd told her parents they would have gone bat-shit crazy on her, shipped her off to relatives on the other side of the country, forced her to carry to term, and then they would have forced her to sign adoption papers.

Nearly 40 years have now passed. I've never regretted it, she's never regretted it, and her parents never found out. Don't tell.

[Fundays12]

In these circumstances please do not tell her parents. They will probably disown her. She is a 15 year old girl who sadly can’t trust her own parents so please please do not break her trust. It’s an awful position to be in for you and her. She needs support she will not get this at home.

[bengalcat]

Do not tell her parents . As others have said she can and should ring the BPAS ( British pregnancy advistory service ) on 03457304030 - they deal daily many times with this scenario and are the ones to provide all the support and manage this problem . Your only current role is to send her to these professionals .

[Purpleartichoke]

She is not exaggerating. Her parents really will put her on the streets. They might even physically assault her. My parents made it very clear that if I ever had an abortion I would be gone from their lives forever if they found out. They reiterated that even when I was an adult. If I have an abortion, keep it secret or we are done.


This girl came to you for help.
Help her. Please. Help her.

[pooopypants]

No, don't tell them. It isn't their business but they'll potentially throw their child out on the street.


Plus you'll break any faith your DD has in you, by doing that. I think it's amazing that your DD and her friend could confide in you, you should be proud of 2 amazing young girls.

[PurpleDaisies]

Plus you'll break any faith your DD has in you, by doing that.

Again, this shouldn’t be a consideration. Adults sometimes have to break confidences to safeguard children. I’m not saying the parents need to be told, bit how the daughter will feel if the op breaks confidence can’t be taken into account when deciding what to do.

[GreenFingersWouldBeHandy]

Firstly, thank you for helping this girl and offering her a safe place to tell you what's going on (and for organising counselling for her). Very kind of you.

But please do not tell her parents. The repercussions could be awful.

[BuildBuildings]

No please don't tell her parents.