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Original poster

Should I tell DDs friends parents of abortion?

272 replies

Iwouldwanttoknow · 22/10/2019 12:48

NC as I don't want this linked to usual name.

Dd is 15, she has spent Sunday with her best friend (also 15, will refer to her as A). She told DD she is 6 weeks pregnant (has boyfriend the same age). After some persuasion from DD , A agreed she could tell me as needs help. Yesterday A came round, I spoke to her and she wants an abortion however she has begged me not tell her parents as they are very religious (they are JW). I'm really torn as I think her parents should know but A is saying they will disown her and throw her out. But if it was DD I would want to know. A is coming round later and I have arranged for her to have some counselling privately tomorrow as the wait was too long via the NHS (but I really feel as if I'm over stepping even here). I don't know much about JW as a religion but as with all religions there is some who will follow it more strictly than others. I spoke to DD privately and she said from what A has said before this A's parents seem very strict and she is worried A would do something to harm herself if I told her parents.

What should I do? Inform the parents or just support A? I think its because I keep thinking I would want a parent to inform me.

OP posts:
Asta19 · 22/10/2019 13:03

You might want someone to tell you, so you could love and support your DD. But they are not you and you don't know what they would do. They are different people and the friend has told you very clearly how they would react. Make your choice to help her or not, but respect her confidence.

walkintheparc · 22/10/2019 13:04

When you break it down, you would want somebody to tell you if it were your DD because you would want to help and support her. Based on what A has said, they wouldn't react in the same way, they would want to know so they can punish her.

trevthecat · 22/10/2019 13:04

I just want to echo what has already been said. I wouldn't tell them. She is trusting you and so is your dd. Don't break that trust

walkintheparc · 22/10/2019 13:05

Cross-post with Asta^

You would be helping your daughter if you found yourselves in this situation. They might do the opposite.

watermelon21 · 22/10/2019 13:06

Don’t tell her parents. If she doesn’t want them to know that’s her business. She confided in you for a reason.

DerbyshireGirly · 22/10/2019 13:07

Oh my - absolutely DO NOT tell her parents! Thank god your daughter's friend is dealing with this sensibly. It will be hard enough for her without you making it a million times worse. Support her, be there for her, keep it to yourself.

CMOTDibbler · 22/10/2019 13:07

There is no way you should tell them - it's her decision what to do, and with non judgemental support she might decide to tell her parents. Or not. But in the meantime she'll be safe and supported to get the help from professionals that she needs

CaptainMyCaptain · 22/10/2019 13:07

If she does have a termination she will need someone over the age of 18 there to take her home etc, you might even need to sign something to say that she is in your care
Not true.

Passthecherrycoke · 22/10/2019 13:08

I also wouldn’t tell them. I have a number of friends have terminations under 18 none of the parents knew and no regrets even now. You know if you can tell your parents.

I’ve never heard of you needing to be accompanied. If private you can make up a name/ address/ age.

Our school used to teach this as an option when using the FPC (as opposed to your GP) but I am not sure whether that is still possible

64sNewName · 22/10/2019 13:09

Really, really don’t tell them. It would be a huge betrayal of her trust.

NoSquirrels · 22/10/2019 13:10

I understand your discomfort completely.

But I would support the girl 100% in what she wanted.

It isn’t her parents’ decision.

foodname · 22/10/2019 13:10

Look up the Gillick case for assessing age. She is old enough to choose who to confide in, she chose you. I know it must be SO difficult, and I would be devastated if I was the girl's mother, but she would need to reflect on her relationship to assess why the daughter didn't come to her. You are supporting a young woman who is old enough to decide what support she needs, she doesn't need to be treated like a naughty girl. What you've done thus far sounds great, it's wonderful your daughter and her could come to you.

Nitsmugandselfrighteous · 22/10/2019 13:12

Also OP I grew up with a very strict religious background. (Not JW.) When I was a teenager my mother told me that if I became pregnant she would throw me out.
I know that she meant it.

I’m sure ‘A’ knows what’s she’s dealing with.

FavouriteSoul · 22/10/2019 13:13

Definitely don't tell her parents. I worked with a JW and when her 17yo son came out as gay, he was shunned by the entire community. Fortunately his boyfriend's family took him in, but it was shocking to me that a parent could just abandon her child without a backward glance.

Encourage her to talk to the school nurse and her GP about her options.

AliciaWhiskers · 22/10/2019 13:13

If you are under 18, you do need to identify a "supporting adult" who is over 18. Unless this is location dependent, that's certainly the case in my area.

Greysparkles · 22/10/2019 13:14

If she does have a termination she will need someone over the age of 18 there to take her home etc, you might even need to sign something to say that she is in your care

Why do people insist on posting made up bollocks?!

BuxbyFree · 22/10/2019 13:15

Dont tell her parents, shes not told them for a reason.

My sisters friend went through the exact same at 15 or 16 and my mum took her for an abortion. As far as im aware her parents still dont know and they dont need to know, this doesnt affect them in anyway

Lilonetwo · 22/10/2019 13:15

Do not tell her parents.
It could affect her relationship with them for the rest of her life. A real possibility they will disown her, which I'm sure you don't want to cause...

Continue to support her throughout this tough time in her life.

AliciaWhiskers · 22/10/2019 13:16

@Greysparkles it's not made up bullshit. Here is the link where I got that information from.

www.unitysexualhealth.co.uk/pregnancy/i-want-abortion/

Fuckenstein · 22/10/2019 13:16

Don't tell. You could potentially ruin this girls life!

MadameButterface · 22/10/2019 13:17

She’s pregnant and she doesn’t want to be, so she needs an abortion. She wishes to keep this medical information private from her parents as is her right to do so. No further handwringing required. Either help her or don’t help her, but keep quiet about her private business.

As our children age, there may be many things we ‘would want to know’ about their lives, but we do not have an automatic right to. We do not own them. They are their own people.

LittleBigTime · 22/10/2019 13:17

You would want to know. But this isn’t about you. It’s about a potentially vulnerable child who has trusted you to help without telling. It’s also about your daughter, who I am willing to bet would never trust you again if you did tell the girl’s parents.

BareKneesDeCourcy · 22/10/2019 13:18

You sound like a great mum, and that is why the girl is confiding in you and not her own parents. Do NOT tell them; no good can come of it.

Support her all you can, and please help educate her on long-term contraception.

I wish I’d had someone like you.

PortiaCastis · 22/10/2019 13:18

No do not tell the Parents it is not your info to tell and by interfering you will cause untold harm

Passthecherrycoke · 22/10/2019 13:18

To be fair Alicia that quite clearly says

“If you don’t have someone to ask, do not delay in making an appointment. Staff will help you plan your abortion.”