Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Should I tell DDs friends parents of abortion?

272 replies

Iwouldwanttoknow · 22/10/2019 12:48

NC as I don't want this linked to usual name.

Dd is 15, she has spent Sunday with her best friend (also 15, will refer to her as A). She told DD she is 6 weeks pregnant (has boyfriend the same age). After some persuasion from DD , A agreed she could tell me as needs help. Yesterday A came round, I spoke to her and she wants an abortion however she has begged me not tell her parents as they are very religious (they are JW). I'm really torn as I think her parents should know but A is saying they will disown her and throw her out. But if it was DD I would want to know. A is coming round later and I have arranged for her to have some counselling privately tomorrow as the wait was too long via the NHS (but I really feel as if I'm over stepping even here). I don't know much about JW as a religion but as with all religions there is some who will follow it more strictly than others. I spoke to DD privately and she said from what A has said before this A's parents seem very strict and she is worried A would do something to harm herself if I told her parents.

What should I do? Inform the parents or just support A? I think its because I keep thinking I would want a parent to inform me.

OP posts:
64sNewName · 22/10/2019 15:14

It was the sexual health clinic that recommended counselling, @Lilacviolet. It wasn’t something the OP came up with on her own.

But just a general wtf to your whole post really. God forbid a teenager should help her friend open up to a trusted adult, or that this adult should then seek professional advice regarding counselling in an effort to do the best for this vulnerable girl. What arseholes, eh?

stucknoue · 22/10/2019 15:23

Don't tell her parents, I'm currently going through the checks to be a temporary foster carer for older teens in just this scenario, my council told me they have 20-30 young people kicked out by religion parents, mostly because they are gay but also pregnant, I will be able to have them until the baby is 1 or they reach 19.

Lilacviolet · 22/10/2019 15:35

I stand by that post.

The girl indicated she wanted an abortion, not counselling. OP has no right at all to arrange it for her and had no right at all getting involved.

Bluerussian · 22/10/2019 15:38

Don't tell the girl's parents. Even at 15 she is allowed privacy when it comes to anything medical.

You and your daughter are being good friends to A. Please impress upon her that she must not get in the same predicament again! Poor kid.

Hederex · 22/10/2019 15:39

I'm normally all for encouraging children this age to confide in their parents, but in this case I wouldn't.

ConfCall · 22/10/2019 15:41

Don’t tell the parents, they’re abject nutters. Unlike you and your DD, who sound fab. You’re doing it right OP.

Walnutwhipster · 22/10/2019 15:41

At 15 she is more than likely baptised. If you tell be aware that she will be disfellowshipped and shunned by not only her parents but the whole congregation. If her brothers and sisters are JW this will include them.

AryaStarkWolf · 22/10/2019 15:43

Another saying don't tell them ffs poor girl

independentfriend · 22/10/2019 15:45

This young woman needs to be making the phone calls to BPAS/Marie Stopes etc herself. If you do it, an additional consideration for the abortion provider would be whether or not you're exploiting her. So, give her the means to make safe phone calls, if you can - PAYG phone, small amount of credit, that could stay at your house/with your daughter if she can't safely take it home.

I think seeing if you can safely expand the numbers of people supporting her it would be a good move - is there a school nurse, for example? What are the pastoral staff like? Who else does she trust? What links do they have to the JW community?

It's worth digging out the information about universal credit for 16 + 17 year olds who are estranged from their parents and also information about foster care / local arrangements for accommodating teenagers without anywhere to go. She needs to know what her options are if things get difficult at home, even if they don't find out about her abortion or throw her out. She might decide it's worth putting up with the situation until she's 16 and has finished her GCSEs / 18 and has finished A levels or equivalents or it might be overall so bad for her she needs to get out more quickly than that, even if it's financially really hard.

She might find counselling useful outside of having an abortion - is this something that can be arranged via school? Is there a local youth service? Is there other local mental health support suitable for her?

Is she able to find a Saturday job or similar? Some savings would be helpful for her and working might be approved of by her family.

dietcokemum · 22/10/2019 15:45

JW is a cult. Do not tell them. JW kids often end up in safeguarding procedures when their parents won't accept medical treatment (I have seen this happen more than once).

Wheat2Harvest · 22/10/2019 15:45

Please don't allow yourself to feel important by telling her parents.

I am appalled that you are even considering it.

Luxembourgmama · 22/10/2019 15:46

Of course don't tell her parents jehovahs witnesses are nutters

Bert99 · 22/10/2019 15:47

Could someone please provide the link to the AMA by the ex Jehovah's Witness? I have searched but can't seem to find it.

tigger001 · 22/10/2019 15:48

What a sad situation for this poor girl,she must be terrified and its a shame she can't go to her parents.

It's a tough one, but ultimately I think I would keep her confidence. You obviously have a great relationship with your daughter as she knew she could trust you.

It's good that she has found out early on in the pregnancy and you and your daughter are there to help support her.

You sound like a nice person and a great mum.

ddl1 · 22/10/2019 15:50

Please do not tell her parents. This could destroy her life.

If you do tell her parents - please be prepared to take the responsibility the fact that she may lose all family support forever. So don't tell her parents unless you are prepared to step up instead: to house and feed her for the next three years; to support her financially through her future education and training; etc.

Actually - don't tell her parents at all.

notacooldad · 22/10/2019 15:52

Her parents will find out eventually anyway
Not necessarily!
I know loads of people that had abortions in their teens and twenties and parents never found out.
Why and how will they eventually find out? Medical records are private and this person is scared of the parents so she is hardly going to have a confessional with them.

PurpleDaisies · 22/10/2019 15:56

If you do tell her parents - please be prepared to take the responsibility the fact that she may lose all family support forever

That’s a horrible thing to try and put on the op and totally out of order.

PlasticPatty · 22/10/2019 15:57

Her parents almost certainly won't find out. Look at all the thousands of Irish women who've had abortions (or babies) and had to keep them secret. Hopefully, no more. Women are amazing, but life should not be so harsh.

cstaff · 22/10/2019 16:02

@plasticpatty
I am with you on this - I am Irish also and could name a number of friends who have had an abortion over the last 20-30 years and their parents / partners at the time still do not know. The only people who know are the ones they wanted to tell. And doing this from Ireland to England is a lot more difficult than travelling into town or the next city.

applesandpears33 · 22/10/2019 16:02

Please, please do not tell the parents. The JWs may disfellowship her. This could mean that she would be thrown out of the parental home at the first opportunity and that her parents, any siblings and wider family who are JW would be banned from having any contact with her

JayDot500 · 22/10/2019 16:03

@purpledaisies but it's true. The girl will be disfellowshipped and lose all of her support. Even if she isn't baptised she will be marked as 'bad associated'.

PurpleDaisies · 22/10/2019 16:03

Yes, but that’s on the parents, not the op.

tigger001 · 22/10/2019 16:04

Her parents will find out eventually anyway

I don't think that is often the case, but it will leave the young girl with the opportunity to tell them when/if she feels ready. She is doing the right thing by confiding in someone and getting help early on.

tisonlymeagain · 22/10/2019 16:07

Her parents won't necessarily find out. 20 years + since mine and they still don't know.

Swipe left for the next trending thread