I'm going to die fat.

[MrsFattyBumBum]

I just can't control my eating.

Have had disordered eating for as long as I can remember. Never seen a doctor for it. Well general GP who just tells me to join Wright watchers etc...

I was a normal size at 20. After my first kid I went up to about 13 stone.

15 years later I'm now almost 16 stone.

I've lost 1.5 stone though a shake replacement diet but now I've just fell off the wagon.

This morning I've had.
3 kit kats
A curry pastie
4 jammy dodgers

Once I start I just CANNOT stop myself. Its like I try and fill this emptyness with food but it never works.

I can't do this anymore.

I always lose a stone or 2 and put it all back on.

I can't do it.

I binge. Vomit. Starve myself (600cals) or binge and don't purge gaining weight.

I never have a steady pattern

I've tried
Slimfast
Keto
VLCDs
Weight watchers
Slimming world

All of it.

Why am I like this :(

I’m not in UK so have no idea of your health system but GP’s in my experience don’t do much. Can you be referred for counselling? Here we have access to 10 free sessions.
You stated a while ago that you were abused as a child, unless the actual root of the problem regarding the abuse is addressed you will never love yourself enough for the eating to stop. You say yourself you don’t care in the moment.
What does your husband think about this situation?
How old are your kids? They need you and love you. Until you see how incredibly important and unique you are as a woman you will always overeat. Would be interesting to hear your family’s perspective. MN can be unrealistic about food too, some posters can be so full on about their diets, just read the what have you eaten today threads.
Best of luck to you.

My previous post was for @duckling84

Maybe maybe not aud but surely being happy in your own skin, even if it is fat skin, is better than hating what you see in the mirror every day for 15years?
And maybe when that guilt is removed from eating the food, the cycle of binging will stop and healthier choices are made. Because the OP says she binged because she was miserable so why can't we tackle that first and the food second?

And I say this as someone who has spent their entire life dreaming about being a size 10 but never ever getting close, even after going on all the diets. No I am not obese, but I am overweight. I also take meds for anxiety and depression. And I suffer from stress related alopecia (seeing bald patches on your head doesn't do much for the self esteem!). But I accept all that, and I'm learning to love myself and be content in my own body, and I promise it is such a nicer place to be.

OP - choose to be happy. That's all.

You have to figure out what works for you , and come up with your own eating plan. Write a list of everything that ever worked, and everything that didn't.

FWIW my theory is: the only way out of the cycle is to make the next meal a healthy one. Why?

1. Preparing a healthy meal for yourself is an act of self care and self love

1. Physiologically, a big salad, healthy curry, or soup feels better than five biscuits or whatever (this may not be true the first time you have five biscuits, but when you are in the rut it is true.)

1. What is worse than feeling shit? Beating yourself up about everything you ever did wrong. Been there, got the t-shirt. Forget it.

1. It is a small and very achievable goal

1. You don't have to follow a specific diet (though you can if you wish), and you can enjoy some of what you want, without the guilt

1. Prompts regular check ins with yourself and how you are doing

^ I have literally just been through the cycle and this is what I learned.

Duckling has a point I think. The mental health issues could be more about how she feels about her body than the compulsion to eat albeit they are closely interlinked. What came first the self loathing that led to comfort eating. None of us are experts but perhaps something we have said on here might resonate with you. It is very complex.

I agree with @duckling84. Is it really such a bad thing to be fat, OP? Your weight doesn't define you - it doesn't make you a better or worse person.

I relate so much to your post and I have also struggled with disordered eating (anorexia, bulimia) ever since I was a teen. I'm getting some help now as I am just so sick of constantly obsessing over my weight. I know it sounds like a cliche but surely there is more to life than that.

Most antidepressants/psychiatric meds make me put on tons of weight.
Since my regime was changed (again) last year, I've dropped three dress sizes. Also don't have the constant urge to snack, so I really think my previous meds were causing that.
Worth considering although changing meds can be very hard and problematic in itself.
What saved me was a referral to a psychiatrist.
Is that possible? I know a lot depends where you live etc.
Even the kindest GP I spoke to about my issues wasn't well informed enough to help, even though he was sympathetic.
I've been under a psychiatrist for 5 years now and my treatments have changed several times but he's stuck with me and I'm finally doing much better.
I really hope a proper psychiatric referral is available to you.
Unmumsnetty hugs

Find the wellness Seeker on Facebook. The most amazing counsellor. It's called break free from emotional eating. It takes time but she works on the why.

Can you exercise more? I am addicted to chocolate. I eat so much every day. I hate it but I just can't stop.
So instead I decided to exercise for two hours before work instead (hence why I'm up at 5!) I am a suze 8 now despite my gross inability to stop eating chocolate. It's the only way I can manage it.

Hey OP.
Please, please, please don't just try other diets. It sounds to me like you need to learn how to avoid using food as a crutch. I think speaking to a Psychologist who works from a Health at Every Size (HAES) approach will be your best strategy for overcoming the disordered eating. Diets are the worst thing you can do to yourself if you have tendencies towards bingeing (or starving/purging). Your weight will stabilise at a healthy level for your body once you learn your triggers, develop coping strategies and focus on health behaviours rather than weight loss.

I agree with the suggestions about counselling. Please go back to your GP and insist on being referred. Tell your GP what you've told us here about the binge eating, the depression etc.

On a day to day basis, one thing I found helpful which someone posted on here was the sunburn analogy. If you went out in the morning and got a bit sunburned, you wouldn't think "sod it, I'm now a bit burned so I might as well lie out in the sun for the rest of the day and get reall burned". So why do we eat a biscuit and then think "sod it, I've broken my diet so I might as well eat the whole packet". That really changed my attitude to that scenario. If I overeat one day I'm very careful the next, whereas before I was of the "sod it" mentality.

I also tried hypnotherapy for weight loss and it did fuck all for me.

It's just awful that your GP won't offer more help :( You have untreated mental health issues and really the priority should be those. Please go back and be as insistent as you feel able.

One of the issues is that women are told that if dieting doesn't work it's because they are lazy and lack self control. But actually it's because dieting does not work! And we are not told this because of vested interests: the diet industry is worth billions. So women's mental health gets destroyed for profit.

Can you focus on making some small changes that even if they do not result in immediate weight loss help to improve your physical and mental health? Increasing exercise as far as your disability permits is an obvious one. As far as food is concerned, you have to make it as easy as possible for yourself to make good choices and tbh i think that probably does start with not having "trigger foods" in the house. I know you don't want to deprive your kids but for their sake as well as yours, your health has to come first. Maybe consider about whether there are "treat" foods for the kids that you can safely buy because you don't like them (I don't buy chocolate, but I sometimes buy Nutella for DS because I'd rather starve than eat that). The 16:8 type schedules might be worth considering because they don't restrict food and don't seem to result in the same feelings of deprivation and guilt, but this is a very personal thing.

I've recently started a 12 month program with a dietain. It has frankly been a massive revelation. I thought I understood food and had a reasonable relationship with food. I'm obese my BMI is 45.

Since starting with the dietain I've realised just how fucked up understand of food is. Really simple things like assuming something isn't a good food because it's high carb but realising that it's actually pretty ok in scheme of things.
Also that I need around 100 grams of protein a day. If I eat food which is low in protein (cheese, yoghurt) for most of my protein I end up eating more food than if I had something like chicken.

But I'm several months in a weightloss is slow really bloody slow. Really slow and it's hard work to sustain the enthusiasm so I'm working at. I'm also looking at having bariatric surgery. There is a very lengthy process to have it done publicly where I am so I'm hoping my slow and steady approach will.mean if I'm eligible for the weight loss surgery my relationship with food will be good enough to make the surgery success.

Sorry this is massive. I guess I'm sharing so you know that I get it. It's hard and horrible. I'm sorry

Someone above suggested parkrun and volunteering there - even at a local kids one maybe on the Sun?

At the moment you are trying to TAKE AWAY YOUR COPING MECHANISM which = food for you. You need to replace that with something else before you take it away. eg fill space with volunteering/activities/knitting etc.

Take the focus off the food and focus on filling life up so there is less space for food.

I can understand that fat acceptance is perhaps not the worst place to start with loving your body and learning to love yourself but being fat is dangerous. The body positive community has been hijacked by fat activists who's advice is downright dangerous and come across as deeply toxic individuals who cannot accept any critism.
I think this would be a dangerous place to go for the OP who IS aware about the risk factors of obesity. Facts don't care about feelings.

Plus I have yet to see Tess Holiday walk a 5k, swim vigourously or do a single good-form push-up despite Cosmopolitan magazine saying she is 'strong and fit'.

It's a nice idea but I don't want to be fat.

I don't want to accept being fat.

Or love my fat body.

My fat body isn't my best body. An dim not talking about aesthetics.
I get out of breath walking to school. I can't play with my kids without getting tired and sweaty. My knees and joints hurt.

Not to mention all the other associated risks I'm heading towards. Heart disease, diabetes etc

Then there is the aesthetic side.
I look awful in clothes. I can't enjoy sex. I can't even see my vulva.

Some people may be able to embrace the fat and I may be able to, but I don't want to

It's not part of me, not really. It's an unwelcome add on.

I think all this fat positive stuff is dangerous. Just as dangerous as the 90s trends of anorexic models.

It's unhealthy.

I'm feeling MUCH better today.

I've decided to DITCH the meal replacement milkshakes.

I've snacked on a few grapes this morning.
I'm going to aim for starting intermittent fasting with healthy meals.

No more 600cal starvation and shakes.

A healthy lunch and dinner between 12 and 6.

It will be slower than the VLCD but I wasn't doing that properly anyways.

DH had taken the scales this morning to donate.

So I'm not even weighing myself. I'm just going to focus on being HEALTHIER.

Not losing weight.
Eating good body fuel.

good luck OP.

That sounds really great OP! Glad you’re feeling better. Weight loss that comes from a place of wanting to be kind to your body instead of wanting to punish it will be much easier in so many ways. I’d definitely give The Diet Myth a read if you can (it’s on Audible too) it’ll really help with understanding what food is doing in your body and why what it is matters as much as how much

I hear you OP. I have given up. :( The only thing that EVER worked like a treat for me was to become obsessed with someone I couldn't have. The weight fell off like a dream (at the expense of my mental health). These days I am obese and celibate. Hey ho.

I have seen my sisters struggle with weight issues all their lives, I do as well but mine was under eating. That’s now been under control for a number of years. We had a dreadful childhood. One of my sisters was 16 stone stone at 5ft 2 and developed type 2 diabetes.

Her DH died, she had married him at 18 to escape home and was in a marriage that was abusive for 40 years. She was widowed and our Mother also died. She now weighs just over 9 stone. She was miserable all her life and comfort ate. The two people in her life that should have cherished her and didn’t were gone and she was a changed woman. Obviously that’s a bit of a radical change in life but now she doesn’t have to continually seek approval from a Mother it was never going to come from and she can do as she pleases. No one but me really knows about what went on between my sis and her DH, there were no bruises and she only opened up about it in the last few years before he died. To everyone else he was a wonderful man, when there was money raised in his memory it stuck in my throat to donate but it was going to the local hospice .Whatever is your psychological burden op I really hope you manage to get some help.

My issues with food improved when I decided to detach from my Mother and went very low contact. Most disordered eating is linked to emotional well-being.

OP, I have every sympathy for your situation. Food is your coping mechanism after being through so much. It’s not as simple as just cutting down or cutting out certain things or counting calories. I would recommend looking at Rebelfit on Facebook. It’s about treating yourself well and looking at what lies behind your food issues. Also, have you read Fat Is A Feminist Issue by Susie Orbach? An oldie but goodie. Take care of yourself. Health is the most important thing, physically and mentally.

Good luck OP. So glad to hear you've decided to focus on health. Without focusing on the whole person (thoughts, feelings, behaviours, triggers, coping strategies etc) any weight loss will be temporary.

Your attitude in your recent post seems positive. It doesn't have to be about fat acceptance but taking the view that your body is something to be nurtured and nourished. That can be a life changing attitude.

So glad to see you are feeling better and more positive.

I think getting rid of the meal replacement shakes is a great idea. I know they work for some but I really don’t think they are a good idea for most of us. Your ‘binge’ yesterday was your body saying I need food woman!

I’m doing intermittent fasting too. I’m just having my normal tea in the mornings. With milk. Although I only have a small amount of milk.

I’m finding it fairly easy to just not have breakfast.

Lunch is usually soup and maybe a couple of Ryvita. Dinner last night was Cajun chicken breasts with spring greens and leeks with a bit of cream fraiche and about 10 sweet potato fries. It’s one of my favourite meals now. I fry the leeks in a bit of oil till they are soft, sprinkle in some chipotle chilli flakes and then add in a few handfuls of spring greens or cabbage or kale, then add some Creme fraiche. The Cajun chicken is literally chicken breasts rubbed with a little oil and then sprinkled with Cajun powder, rub it in a bit and make sure both sides have quite a bit of the seasoning and then bake for about 20 mins. Really tasty.

I like the Pinch of Nom book for nice healthy recipes. Or the Hairy Dieters books. Nice tasty food.

If I’m hungry between meals I snack on protein. A slice or two of ham or chicken or a hard boiled egg. Better to have that than end up hungry.

There are lots of different weight loss threads on here if you think posting might help. Most people weigh though so if you are avoiding that you may feel it won’t help. Although I’m sure there are loads of people avoiding the scales too.