I'm going to die fat.

[MrsFattyBumBum]

I just can't control my eating.

Have had disordered eating for as long as I can remember. Never seen a doctor for it. Well general GP who just tells me to join Wright watchers etc...

I was a normal size at 20. After my first kid I went up to about 13 stone.

15 years later I'm now almost 16 stone.

I've lost 1.5 stone though a shake replacement diet but now I've just fell off the wagon.

This morning I've had.
3 kit kats
A curry pastie
4 jammy dodgers

Once I start I just CANNOT stop myself. Its like I try and fill this emptyness with food but it never works.

I can't do this anymore.

I always lose a stone or 2 and put it all back on.

I can't do it.

I binge. Vomit. Starve myself (600cals) or binge and don't purge gaining weight.

I never have a steady pattern

I've tried
Slimfast
Keto
VLCDs
Weight watchers
Slimming world

All of it.

Why am I like this :(

Is your GP fully aware of the extent of your disordered eating behaviours (the binging and purging), or do they just think you are overweight. Perhaps a full and frank disclosure of these behviours may be enough to convince your GP you b=need more help than just pills etc.

I’m like this OP I’m sorry you have this happen.
I don’t think it’s something that can happen overnight tbh. I think one thing that you seem to be like is very black and white - ‘I lost the weight but then I went back to my usual ways’
But actually if you have a terrible binge day best thing is to say what a shit day but get back on the diet the next day.

I think when you eat like this therapy is the only thing that can help stop you spiralling out of control or surgery. For me I have accepted firstly that I’m just never going to be as slim as I once was but I can get down to a healthy size. Even if it’s top of the healthy bmi that is still better than morbidly obese (which I’ve been in and I’ve also been underweight) I found trying very hard to stop buying crap food and bringing it home helped me.
If I was out I’d just buy cake etc but that was still a lot less than what I’d get through at home. I didn’t tell myself I wasn’t allowed it but only made it accessible while I was out and about so a lot less and I was moving more to get it.

I also bought an exercise bike (£40 online) and pushed it in front of the tv and will sit on that and look like a fat person would on it but you know what, even just sitting on it means I’m not in the kitchen eating, I really don’t push myself on it but it’s a good distraction while I’m trapped with small dc.

I hope you find your happiness OP.

It’s not your fault. Really. It’s not. Stop blaming yourself.

Your body is quite happy at its current weight. It’s got fat stores for the next famine that will come along. That is how our bodies just are. They still think we are hunter gatherers in the Stone Age. Problem is these days we don’t have famines in the western world. And we live n a hugely obesogenic environment.

Sugar is addictive. Sugary and fatty foods are designed to be addictive.

Dropping your calories too low triggers a binge because your body is going - oh oh. Not enough calories to maintain current weight. Need more. And the fastest way to get those calories is sugary fatty processed foods.

It’s bloody hard. I know. I’m size 20 too. Lost 1.5 stone last year calorie counting and walking. Fell off th wagon and gained it all back. Not for the first time. Nor the second time.

Problem with WW and SW is they still allow you crappy low fat sweet shit. Which doesn’t help with cravings.

Have you ever heard of Rebelfit? Might be worth looking at his site or FB page and reading up about it.

You need to eat enough calories to not trigger bingeing. And you need to cut out sugar. Don’t go hungry. Eat. Proper healthy food.

And stop hating yourself. It’s so easy to hate ourselves for failing again and fall head first into a binge. It is not your fault. We are not designed to live in this western world with cheap crappy sweet processed food everywhere we go.

It’s not worth throwing away your hard work for one shit day. Tomorrow’s another day, wake up and start afresh.

Aud you may be right.

It's hard to open up, especially with my anxiety disorder.

If you don’t buy it you can’t eat it. Don’t have those snacks in the house.

Personally I would take drastic measures and stop buying food yourself and subscribe to a meal delivery service.

That will take away your being tempted when you shop, making large portions when you cook and remove snacks from your home.

You might feel that is expensive but you are probably spending lots of money already on crap foodstuffs already.

Once you lose a significant mount of weight you will see and feel the benefits of feeling and looking good and that might give you the motivation to looking at your past eating habits and start making your own healthy meals.

You have to have that motivation to want to be healthy and slim and it probably feels hopeless whilst you are overweight so you lack the motivation. Once you see results you will feel spurred on.

You can also look on YouTube for weight loss hypnosis.

Paul McKenna I can make you thin used to be very popular, he has books and cd’s.

You can lose weight but you keep sabotaging your efforts so you have to really look deep inside yourself and think why you do this and overcome it.

Google overeaters anonymous. It is an eating disorder. Nhs clinic may help if you can get someone to take you seriously. Get out and about and keep fit if you can. Just try to keep on an even keel and don't beat yourself up

15 years aive been dieting.

15 years

My Facebook memories are just post after post about this diet or that, every year.

I lost my whole 20s to it. I never felt pretty or desirable. Just fat.

5 years into my 30s and nothings changed.

I've wasted my life on food I didn't even enjoy because of guilt and self loathing

Soola, I'm sure you mean well but you have no idea

Soola I have kids and a husband. I can't deprive them of nice things because mummy can't control herself.

Published on 13 Jan 2017
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@MrsFattyBumBum what about a lockable box to treats that the husband and children have access to but not you?

Do you not think if it was that easy for me mentally I would have done it over the last FIFTEEN years. Its a mental disorder. It's not about having snacks in the house.

Same same here.

However, I have managed to break the cycle of late. I read up on 16:8 fasting - I now don't eat between 8pm and midday. In between those hours, you eat what you like. And, I've cut out wine.

If there's a social thing going on then I participate, because this has to be sustainable. I'm losing weight very, very slowly, but, that's ok because one pound a week equals four stones in a year.

I'm starting to feel less hopeless. Not bingeing has really, really helped my mood.

Next thing to tackle is the clutter in the house - once that's done then I'll have enough head space to add exercise.

I'm waiting to see the obesity management service, I've been on the waiting list for a year, so, hoping it won't be long. I eat and live in mess to avoid feelings. Most of us do.

Be kind to yourself.

Like I said I had hypnotherapy at 70 quid a pop for 6 weeks years ago. It did nothing. I just lay there and listened to her speaking in a low voice drawing out her words and I pretended to 'wake up' because I felt like a plonker as it had zero effect.

Viv. My house is a mess too :(

I feel awful. Like my kids deserve so much better

I wnat to be a good mum. Present. Healthy. ONTOP of things.

You have an eating disorder. If you tell your doctor you make yourself sick they will offer you help because that is dangerous.

Oh no! Reading all this makes me so so sad for you, because I've been there. Ive been that girl that had no friends, didn't want to go out. Ashamed of my self for letting it get this far. I CONVINCED myself that ill be better next week. ill start dieting on Monday. Sadly it never came around. I (THANKFULLY) discovered Slimming World. I can see that you have already tried this though. That being said. I did start slimming world at a size 16-18. I Learnt the fundamentals and left the group. I felt like putting so much pressure on my self actually stopped me from reaching my goal. I am now a size 10-12 but it didn't happen over night. I had to learn to FORGIVE myself for the odd slip up. AND notice it wasnt going to happen overnight. I took years for me to get so overweight and it was going to take a long time to come off.
Heres my advice to you, that I wish I told my self earlier.
Your self worth is not reliant on your weight. You body is something you have to live with for the rest of your life, it is your best friend and it does so much for you on a day to day basis. Love it and cherish it. because you will never get another ever again. If for some reason you are worried about your health rather than the actual number on the scale. Then do something you love to do! Dance in your living room on Friday to your favourite songs. ( no ones watching) and its a great form of exercise. I honestly hate to see people talking about themselves in this way. You are more than just a number on a scale. You weren't put on this planet to recognise your self worth by that little thing on the floor you stand on. You have got this! and if you ever need anything. Just shout out.

I was 17stone 7 and the NHS website said I was able to get a gastric band.

I lost weight since then but I almost want to put it back on so I can go and ask to have it done.

And, I bet you need a haircut, your lipstick is older than your kids, you buy clothes that you can get into not ones you like, you don't wash as often as you know you should and you are great fun and upbeat when you have to be, and then tearfully, numbly, miserable at home?

I'm sorry for being such a downer.

I'm sat here bawling. Writing it all down makes me realise how bad things are.
. You are all so kind

Thankyou

I was 16 stone at the start of the year. I'm slim now. I did the blood sugar diet. It was easy. It took me to want to lose weight though. Deal with what is holding you back mentally (it took me 4 years to deal with my hang ups) and then it was easy.

Gosh Viv. You should get a column in a paper. Mystic Meg. Spot on.

Pay for therapy. Im sure you can find the money.