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Original poster

I'm going to die fat.

258 replies

MrsFattyBumBum · 09/10/2019 11:49

I just can't control my eating.

Have had disordered eating for as long as I can remember. Never seen a doctor for it. Well general GP who just tells me to join Wright watchers etc...

I was a normal size at 20. After my first kid I went up to about 13 stone.

15 years later I'm now almost 16 stone.

I've lost 1.5 stone though a shake replacement diet but now I've just fell off the wagon.

This morning I've had.
3 kit kats
A curry pastie
4 jammy dodgers

Once I start I just CANNOT stop myself. Its like I try and fill this emptyness with food but it never works.

I can't do this anymore.

I always lose a stone or 2 and put it all back on.

I can't do it.

I binge. Vomit. Starve myself (600cals) or binge and don't purge gaining weight.

I never have a steady pattern

I've tried
Slimfast
Keto
VLCDs
Weight watchers
Slimming world

All of it.

Why am I like this :(

OP posts:
JohnMcCainsDeathStare · 09/10/2019 19:20

What hobbies and interests would you have? Whether it is knitting or surfing, think of what you want to do. Go to the library, google somethign that interests you. If its something that isn't food related and gets you moving, the better.

Start growing the mindset that you are a valid human being, a valid part of this Universe and that you deserve not to punish yourself. That your body is amazing and you can use it to do the stuff you want to do.
Start off small -try and do a new thing everyday - even if it is to walk down a road you never have done. Don't think that people are laughing at you, those who are don't matter.

JohnMcCainsDeathStare · 09/10/2019 19:22

You have already started! Well done!

But....don't think you have stopped binging. If you have binged - get back on the wagon. Aim for at least one more day between bingers, then a week, then months...it can be done.

Original poster
MrsFattyBumBum · 09/10/2019 19:22

Stay dazzling, I have anxiety and depression, as stated many times in the tread so I did say myself I struggle with those things.

Not weight related. But poor metal health related. Which does tie in with my eating disorder.

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

General health Weight management
Original poster
MrsFattyBumBum · 09/10/2019 19:24

I start lots of hobbies but again I don't stick to them. It's all so obviously tied in when you write it down.

Writing, painting, crosstitch, felting, sewing I've dabbled in it all.

I love anything crafty.

OP posts:
ilovebagpuss · 09/10/2019 19:24

Hello this may be totally useless so please discount if it’s just a non starter. What about something like a rescue dog dependant on your situation and available time. I wonder if the companionship and walking would seem less like exercise and just allow yourself to exist without the stress of diets. I Read a very inspiring story of a guy who did similar and it changed his life in many positive ways but primarily he wanted exercise and something to get him up and out.
Anyway it may be a daft idea but it’s a thought.

staydazzling · 09/10/2019 19:26

Apologies MrsFattyBumBum, I thought some assumptions were being made.

Original poster
MrsFattyBumBum · 09/10/2019 19:33

No worries it's a very long thread to read through thoroughly.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsFattyBumBum · 09/10/2019 19:35

I have a dog. He's 6 months old and a rescue. DH walks him most days but I do take him on the school run sometimes for company.

I thought it would help me get out more but although he is definitely my best bud it's not made me want to get out more.

He's my home cuddle buddy but DH is the walker.

OP posts:
LemonPrism · 09/10/2019 19:36

Try hypnosis... it stopped me biting my nails instantly.

LemonPrism · 09/10/2019 19:37

Try hypnosis... it stopped me biting my nails instantly.

Also, see the doctor for your eating disorder not your weight and ask for counselling.

LemonPrism · 09/10/2019 19:39

Just seen you've tried it. I'd go for private counselling tbh.

LemonPrism · 09/10/2019 19:40

Or go back on Keto but give yourself a cheat day so you don't binge and feel like you've failed

AIBanUemployee · 09/10/2019 19:48

My doctor has said that there needs to be far more awareness of the link between depression and weight issues. Unclear to me whether depression causes the eating issues or the gain in weight triggers the depression but I do know it's a vicious cycle. I had bariatric surgery and for 5 years although still a stone over weight, I was happy and depression was a distant memory. I've put a stone on over the last year and the depression is back. I'm tall so most people wouldn't even think me that overweight but I seem to have this dysmorphia thing where it feels overwhelming different to reality. Feel your pain, OP. No advice just here hand holding

ilovebagpuss · 09/10/2019 19:58

Aww I’m glad you have a cuddle buddy doggie anyway. I wish I could offer some other useful advice

RandomFactor · 09/10/2019 20:19

OP, I'm sorry some of the responses have been unhelpful and frankly quite mean and others, although well-intentioned, have shown no understanding of your situation.

I'm not trying to tell you what to do, but for what it's worth, I used to be 17st 7 around 12 years ago, and have managed to get down to 12st 3. I have suffered from anxiety and depression, and in my case it was all linked. Diets didn't work, self-help books didn't work, willpower didn't work.

Like you I'm not stupid, I knew how to lose weight but I couldn't actually do it... I went to my GP, got prescribed anti-anxiety meds (citalopram in my case) and started slowly.

No expectations, no targets, no beating myself up if I slipped a bit. Gradually cut out alcohol, cheese, cakes and biscuits, takeaways, pizza, fizzy drinks - you know the stuff. Portion reduction helps, drinking lots of water helps, bulking out on veg, salad and lean protein (fish & chicken usually) helps. Then started walking, increased the pace and distance little by little. It took a long time, 3 years, but the weight came off and stayed off.

You sound like a good and decent person and I wish you the very best of luck.

Original poster
MrsFattyBumBum · 09/10/2019 20:23

Thankyou Random.

And congratulations on your losses!

I've been on citalopram for around 6 years and sertraline for around 6 years before that. Plus propranolol.

I think it actually makes it easier for me to gain weight but without it I'm an utter mess so I cnat stop it.

OP posts:
ThymenBasil · 09/10/2019 20:24

As you say it is a mental disorder for you, a skilled counsellor will help lay out the thoughts, explore their basis and whether they are (still) true or need replacing with beliefs based on deeper understanding of your evolving self. Worth seeing your gp to get on the list.

For me the change came when I realised that my motivating goal is serenity, the healthier eating, weight loss are milestones/tools, not the end goals in themselves.

ashtrayheart · 09/10/2019 20:28

www.amazon.co.uk/Never-Binge-Again-Permanently-Overeating-ebook/dp/B014V1Q6SI a lot of people find this helpful. I've used it to make rules for myself that I actually stick to!

RandomFactor · 09/10/2019 20:37

No worries MrsF. I think citalopram does make it more difficult, but if you need the meds, you need them. It made me feel sort of glassy and spaced out too... I cut the dose slowly over a long time, from 30mg down to 5mg (half a 10mg tablet a day) and finally stopped altogether about 6 years ago. I still have my bad patches though.

People who have never been fat, or had MH issues have no idea what it's like...

Keep on keeping on!!

GothyGeisha · 09/10/2019 20:40

You mentioned eating to fill the emptiness. You need to find out what is missing that you are eating to replace. I've been binge eating for 30 years. Last week and this week I haven't binged. I am reading Breaking Free From Emotional Eating by Geneen Roth. She makes an awful lot of sense, its like I'm 'oh my god, thats me' at everything she says. She has a series of books, might be worth borrowing from the library and see how you get on with it. PM me if you want to talk, any time @MrsFattyBumBum

Original poster
MrsFattyBumBum · 09/10/2019 20:44

It does make me spaced out. I'm on 40mg. But it's nothing compared to me unmedicated. I'm unbearable :(

I'm 100% going to visit the GP this week. I need help and I can only ask.

OP posts:
Oly4 · 09/10/2019 20:49

The issue isn’t the diet, it’s your state of mind. I get it, I’ve been like this in the past. You need some cognitive behavioural therapy either with a therapist or online to help you. You need to teach yourself that it’s ok to have one bag of crisps or one biscuit but then you need to work out how to stop. Denying yourself these foods completely won’t work.
Maybe try the eating disorder group Beat? They can team you up with a mentor (on email if you like) to help you

knitpicker · 09/10/2019 20:57

Dear OP, have you ever been assessed for ADD. Two of my children are fully diagnosed, one with ASD/ ADD and the other ASD/ ADHD - both have slightly disordered eating as part of their profile. The one with ADD eats compulsively - happy/ sad/ depressed/ upset - he eats. His medication for concentration helped. A lot of my family have this (my father included and myself) but most work outdoors in farming/ gardening/ horsey type jobs so not all are overweight. If you google ADD symptoms you might recognize other issues you’ve been having with regard to feeling you self-sabotage. If this resonates with you I might have other advice that might help.

duckling84 · 09/10/2019 21:16

OP I know loads of people have given you loads of diet advice, and I know you struggle with your mental health so this is probably really hard but I'm going to go against the grain and say forget the diets, just learn to love yourself and the body you have. Yes it wobbles a bit but it grew human, and bloody heck cake just tastes yummy. Do you really want to get thin like the pp who can't enjoy a biscuit? What kind of life is that?
Enjoy the biscuit, learn to love your curves because you are so much more than your dress size. And as you say yourself you've wasted 15yrs just yoyo dieting and hating yourself, please dont waste the next 15 doing the same 💕

AudTheDeepMinded · 09/10/2019 21:24

That's all very well (and well-intentioned) duckling84 but potentially it won't be about maintaining a heavier weight and settling for that it may mean getting heavier and heavier and having more and more physical problems associated with that along with the increased likelihood of certain cancers etc. The 'fat and happy' thing doesn't work when someone is in a constant cycle of overeating.