I'm going to die fat.

[MrsFattyBumBum]

I just can't control my eating.

Have had disordered eating for as long as I can remember. Never seen a doctor for it. Well general GP who just tells me to join Wright watchers etc...

I was a normal size at 20. After my first kid I went up to about 13 stone.

15 years later I'm now almost 16 stone.

I've lost 1.5 stone though a shake replacement diet but now I've just fell off the wagon.

This morning I've had.
3 kit kats
A curry pastie
4 jammy dodgers

Once I start I just CANNOT stop myself. Its like I try and fill this emptyness with food but it never works.

I can't do this anymore.

I always lose a stone or 2 and put it all back on.

I can't do it.

I binge. Vomit. Starve myself (600cals) or binge and don't purge gaining weight.

I never have a steady pattern

I've tried
Slimfast
Keto
VLCDs
Weight watchers
Slimming world

All of it.

Why am I like this :(

Oh I meant to reply to your reply to me yesterday saying I had nailed it. That’s because that’s my life too. Was 17 3 at my heaviest. Got down to 14 9 five years ago with WW. Then went back up to 16 8. Tried various diets along the way. Then last year with calorie counting and lots of walking I got down to 14 8. Lightest I had been for years. All went back on this last year. So annoyed with myself. It was hard to lose that weight. It’s even harder to have to lose it again and again. Two weeks ago I was 16 6. This morning I am a smidge over 16. Not weighing again until Monday and am hoping to be a few pounds under 16. Main aim for now is to get back to 14 8. Which I was this day last year.

Delighted to see your last post, OP.

Agree re scales, they are not helpful.

I am going to share a NSV - the top edge of my collarbone has emerged from it's cocoon of lard. Quite pleased, I keep touching it to welcome it back.

I keep touching it to welcome it back.

@soola reported for unhelpful judgemental posts.

I filled in some quotes for the gastric balloon and it's like 5k

I can't get finance. Credit too poor.

One does a 50% deposit then split the remaining payments over the time the balloon is being used but, no credit check, but you have to be in employment :(

I might buy a scratch card 😂

“Have you tried hypnotherapy?”

Have you RTFT, LittleMissEngineer?

I won't be getting a gastric band. It's absolutely unaffordable. Even if they had an 80% off sale I wouldn't be able to do it 😂

Counselling helped me ditch the cigarettes when I was convinced I'd die smoking. That was 15 years ago now. I agree with other posters tackle your thinking, unpick what it is food "does" for you, or what you think it does, what role it's had in your life and whether what it does for you has changed... You can find recognised BACP counsellors online and it might cost a bit but I found 6 X 30 quid sessions was sufficient for me to get my head straight and break the mental habit.

At least read the original posters replies littlemiss , saves you giving a repeat of already answered reply and looking silly.
You can highlight the OP posts to help.

LittleMissEngineer
no I haven’t read ALL 10 pages...

Odd reply if you can’t be arsed to read at least follow up OP posts don’t comment!

Well I have read all 10 pages....
An I would say wow well done OP for getting the washing done and making plans and talking about it. You sound stronger than what you might think....

You’ve not liked the comments about the snacks and I get it is so much more than Kit Kat’s in the cupboard but I reckon you should add it to the new regime it’s the only way I can lose weight!
Good luck x

From what you've posted MrsBB in your position I would focus on proper NHS help, try GP again, ask for surgeries weight loss specialist, request referral, change to other GP in the same practice. They will give you help and resources plus the drugs (I've had orlistat I will just say, Orange ) if you want them.
The costs to your mental health isn't helping your comorbs.

This is the positive you, give yourself every chance you can.

I'm not pushing at bariatric surgery either before anyone bollocks me, for my pal it would cost £8k and further surgery would likely be necessary (sleeve) when she reached a safe weight.
I worked it out that if we just stick it on a visa (neither of us has access to that cash) we would both have to work part time for an extra two years into retirement. I just want her around in our retirement.
The NHS isn't really an option for her but they don't only offer surgery.

Do you think the orlisat may help?

I mean it may help in the sense I have to see the GP regularly to get it and be weighed so it may help me stay accountable?

It will certainly change your food choices!
You really really can't eat fat. Or you shart it all out as uncontrollable Orange oil, that stains.
From my experience you only make the chocolate biscuit mistake once
You can still 'fill up' but on mainly healthier things.
Ideally you need to be near a loo for the first few days but you get used to it.

Oh girl.

Go to overeaters anonymous. You'll meet your people there. You'll hear your exact same story over and over (plus others with other eating disorders), which in itself breaks the shame.

And you'll find MANY who are in recovery, the food doesn't call constantly any more. Yes it's an addiction and willpower just doesn't touch it. The first step in OA is 'Admitted we were powerless and that our lives had become unmanageable'. Do you recognise that? I think you do. Join the club. So many of us.

It is a whole life programme. And it's free.

I worked myself up to go to the doctors today but 187 phone calls and I couldn't get an appointment. I just wanted to go and ask for help. I had a bath and got clean clothes ready

Ebded up buying biscuits on the way home from school. Sat now feeling sick and stupid :(

Oh dear. What a pain when you were so ready to go.

Don’t feel stupid. Please. Deep breath. It’s only 9.30. You have the rest of the day to be back on track. Plan a healthy lunch and dinner.

Read back over the thread and jot down the helpful suggestions and any books that were suggested and have a look on Amazon to see if you think any of them might help.

Drink some water. Maybe get out for a 20 min walk if you can.

Did you feel that the biscuits were because you couldn't get help immediately? You might have to adjust your expectations. At my drs you can go in and make a non urgent appointment. Why not do that later? It could be a two week wait but at least you'll have done something.

I don't know.

I just felt upset and mad. I felt silly for expecting to go and be seen.

I felt powerless that this day I had worked upto had been taken away from me.

And I don't know if by Monday I will still feel able to go. That I may have missed the window of opportunity.

So I bought chocolate biscuits.

It makes no sense, even to me now.

It's like a compulsion.

Feel bad. Eat. Feel sad. Eat. Feel disappointed. Eat.

Just eat eat eat it all away

And I feel like I need to apologise to you for it. Like you guys have been so kind listening and trying to help me work this stuff out

And straight away I let you all down

There's an injectable drug called Saxenda that some doctors are willing to prescribe. I tried it for about six months and I lost all my post pregnancy weight. It's expensive though, and you have to be able to inject yourself subcutaneously. It's easy to do unless you're squeamish.