I'm going to die fat.

[MrsFattyBumBum]

I just can't control my eating.

Have had disordered eating for as long as I can remember. Never seen a doctor for it. Well general GP who just tells me to join Wright watchers etc...

I was a normal size at 20. After my first kid I went up to about 13 stone.

15 years later I'm now almost 16 stone.

I've lost 1.5 stone though a shake replacement diet but now I've just fell off the wagon.

This morning I've had.
3 kit kats
A curry pastie
4 jammy dodgers

Once I start I just CANNOT stop myself. Its like I try and fill this emptyness with food but it never works.

I can't do this anymore.

I always lose a stone or 2 and put it all back on.

I can't do it.

I binge. Vomit. Starve myself (600cals) or binge and don't purge gaining weight.

I never have a steady pattern

I've tried
Slimfast
Keto
VLCDs
Weight watchers
Slimming world

All of it.

Why am I like this :(

You can live a life without alcohol, you CANNOT live without food. This thing you have an issue with is always in your life, always around, always on your mind, there is literally no escape. It would be akin to telling an alcoholic to only have 1 vodka a day, keep the house filled with vodka, have vodka delivery services easily accessible, but in reality you just want to down the entire bottle. It doesn't matter if there is no junk food in the house, because it's easy to just walk to the shop or order it in or even just shove ANYTHING you can in your mouth. It's an addiction, and people who have never been through this can't know how it feels.

OP, I have huge issues with food too. I've lost and gained the same stone for the past several years. I'm so unhappy with my weight and myself. I use food as a crutch and it's so tied into my emotions it's fucking impossible to break! I've been fatshamed so many times, laughed at etc. Humiliating people because they are fat DOES NOT WORK! Otherwise there would be no fat people as everyone who is overweight has been fatshamed at some point.

I can't help because I'm still a mess with it all, but I am on the up and I hope you are too. What has helped me is being less hard on myself. Doing things that give me self-confidence and worth as a person. Things that I WANT to do and give me pleasure. Because I'm occupied and happy I'm generally eating less. I also find it's a cycle. If I'm eating well I don't CRAVE and NEEEEED that bad food, but once I have one bad meal it snowballs and I need to really plan and be strict to get back onto plan.

I hope you can crack it.

Oh and take no notice of Soola. If you look at their posting history you can see what type of person they are.

Hi Op, firstly I want to give you a big hug simply because I know exactly how difficult a situation this is (including all the depression and anxiety and other chronic disabilities).

I found by greatly reducing carbs, increasing protein and veggies and giving myself one free day a week where any food I fancy is allowed, as well as having sugar free/low carb alternatives available for me all other days, has helped me lose 4 stones and drop 3 dress sizes so far since christmas last year. I also use a smaller plate and dish - the smaller the plate, the less food needed on it to make it look full. I still have a lot more to go and yes it is tough at times to stick with it, but I will keep plugging away at it and hopefully this time next year I shall be close to my target weight.

Please go back to your doctor and ask again for options and support to enable you to gain control over your appetite - there are many things available from medications to surgery, it is just working out what is best for you and your circumstances. Also, look at the medications you may already take for other conditions - is it possible that they are contributing to your weight as part of their side effects? If so, again ask the doctor if they can change them for something that isnt going to hamper your efforts quite as much.

I have changed the way I look at food now and know that I only need 'x' amount to get me through the day, whereas before I would think I should celebrate some good news with a take away or have something I liked to eat because I had had a bad day - food had become my comforter, my friend, the one thing that was constantly around and always seemed to help make things 'better'.

I have spent all my adult life struggling with my weight and depression/anxiety so I do know how incredibly tough it can be. If you need someone just to chat to away from public view then feel free to pm me. I sincerely hope you find a solution that suits you very soon.

It's a common problem.
Once you 'break the seal' you just binge on everything because you intend to be really good to compensate tomorrow and today is already ruined so you may as well carry on.

One thing I know for certain is I wasted most of my teenage and adult years on one or other diet or regaining the pounds I've just lost plus the friends they bring.
If I did it over I would have had surgery in my twenties.

I haven't read the thread. I have much sympathy, and yes you probably always will be 'overweight', but I suspect if you stop dieting, you'll stop binging and you'll probably level at a weight you can live with.

A friend of mine went to overeaters anonymous. Like Alcoholics Anonymous but for food. It's free I think and it really helped her. Plus it is a group so a bit social. Sorry you feel like this but many of us do stuff like this. It's not so unusual / good to tackle it but don't be hard on yourself

Xxx

Hiya, just wanted to share... At some point I decided to let go of this idea that I needed to be thin to be worthy of love or happiness. Found out about Health At Every Size, focussing, well, on health behaviours rather than weight. Learned about intuitive eating, without restrictions. It's changed my life. I'm still fat, but I am happy. I exercise because I enjoy it. I eat the food when I'm hungry and I don't when I'm not. It's freed up so much head space. There's a good book called The Emotional Eater's Repair Manual that may be useful to you, I don't know. Anyway, I know the feelings you describe and thought maybe this is something you may want to look into. Wishing you all the best x

Can I suggest you look up Team RH on facebook. They teach balanced eating while in a calorie deficit. The calories youre set on this plan will be higher than any other plan, and as such you will find it very hard to eat over your calories unless you're eating out or getting takeaways. They are a lovely bunch, if you message them and ask them questions before hand they will answer anything you need.
I dont work for them btw, but I am a member myself and I stopped binge eating virtually as soon as I started the plan. There is a team rh app which links with myfitness pal, but team rh set your calories and macros, you log your weight, steps, water intake and any exercise in the team rh app, and log your food in myfitnesspal. If you look at their facebook page it is full of videos explaining everything. It is full of swear words so have headphones if you dont want the kids to hear, but the main guy Richie talks frankly, no BS, just plain science. There is a lovely facebook community full of support that keeps me going even when I think I want to give up. It wont be everyones cup of tea but take a look and see. Almost forgot it is £50 for the year, or you can pay a sign up fee of 20 and £6 per month after

Again, I promise I dont work there!!

OP I could have written this, people often write it off as just being greedy, or as simple as just eat less move more; which when you're struggling is so hard to do. I have always been overweight for as long as I can remember, having an unhealthy relationship with food, both binging and restricting at different times. I am finally a healthy weight and feel like it's sustainable as I've explored so many things that haven't worked- I've finally find what does. For me it's exercise, nothing too wild at first, I started by just making sure I went for a walk at least once a day, gradually building up the distance and frequency. I built up to having the courage to join a gym, and didn't do much to start with; even stepping foot in it was a victory for me. I can't afford to go now, but I make time to go running (which is just out of this world for me, I never dreamt I would enjoy running). I also do intermittent fasting, I just eat between 8am and 6pm every day, and aside from the start when I crammed as much as I could (often making myself sick), I now think about what I eat and enjoy good good. Not always super healthy, but now my body can recognise the difference between being hungry, content and over full better I can regulate my meals better. I still struggle, and at the heart of it are deeper issues which I know I need to address. Food has always been my comfort, tough day? Grab some chocolate on the way home. Want to watch telly all night? Grab a takeaway. I've had to reteach myself to find other things comforting and I do still binge sometimes, but it's so much more of a balance.

I hope this doesn't sound dismissive and like I'm saying it's easy you can do it too; just that hopefully it offers some hope that there is probably something out there which will help you, it's just a case of finding it. I wasn't happy being overweight, and honestly I just remember how far I've come when I'm tempted.

Also I can't buy any chocolate, that is my absolute kryptonite. For me I can't just enjoy a little bit, if it's in the house I will binge so it's not worth it.

MapMyMum they are bloody brilliant

I've contacted Overeaters Anonymous. There's a meeting really close to me.

I'm terrified but I think I will go. I have to do something.

Well done

Hi OP apologies If I missed it but I haven't seen anyone on this thread mention the No S Diet, more a way of eating. If you Google 'no s diet forum' you will find lots of testimonials from those that have adopted this with great success. I have at least 1.5 stones to lose. Have tried and failed miserably at calorie counting, slimming world, running it off, low carb/keto, and intermittent fasting. I have children too and a job in the health service and the usual domestic workload. The difference with no S is you start with maintenance first and the weight loss is slower. The only rules are no sweets no snacks and no seconds except on some 'S ' days which can be a Saturday sunday or special occasion. I am back on it having tried it before but getting suckered into more restrictive diets. The minute something increases my mental load it wont last. The idea is you have 3 one plate meals a day of what you want. Theres a 2 alcoholic drinks a day limit also. I really recommend you look into it. I really feel I am just done with dieting beyond this. My problem is snacking, and borderline binging at the weekend. If you could look forward to a nice meal of whatever you want 3 times a day wouldn't that reduce the feeling of deprivation I know so well! There are testimonials from people who once they got control of their eating and converted to 'meal based eating' after a few months they have then looked at portion sizes and carb/fat content etc. Please dont give up on yourself you just haven't found what works for you yet . Theres a middle ground between restrictive diets and unchecked eating and weight gain. My own husband goes through periods of the year where he drops weight. He doesn't analyse it or think about it too much or give it a label but basically what he does is cut out snacks and treats and just have meals that he enjoys. He would never sit down to a slimming world ready meal like I have in the past after a days work and then crack at 9 pm and eat rings around me!
It sounds like you need a bit of tail wind! You are absolutely right as well that it HAS to fit in with family life, it's just not sustainable other wise. Some people find a weekly calendar or tracker useful, green days are where you stick to noS and then S days at the weekend and red days are fails. Best of luck to you!

That’s a great step OP, well done

Well done OP.

I would love to be able to volunteer somewhere or something. Part of me thinks it would really help.

Ahhh...if you think it would help, it's probably what you need to do in the first instance. It might not be THE answer, but it could lead you onto the path of the answer.

The benefits issue is a tricky one. Is there a way you could volunteer in a manner that does not jeopardise your benefits? I mean, if someone had a broken leg they were recovering from, you wouldn't make the argument that because they went to physical therapy, it suddenly meant they could go back to work.

But I know the benefits system can be an arse about this.

How about joining a local community group that meets on weekends? Or in an evening? Local gardening or something like that? Knitting group? Book club? A choir? There's Volunteering and being in a community group where I am, and the two are quite different.

I agree with other posters that a support group may help. I get the sense from your posts that you are extraordinarily sad and it's a heavy weight for you to carry around. No one can cope with all that psychological weight; you have to free yourself from it. And to do that, you will have to learn to see differently.

And that's going to need support, and a commitment to tackle the issues that oppress you.

You know what to do OP. Less in more out, it really is that simple!

Except it's not that simple when you have an eating disorder. I used to be slim and couldnt understand a friend of mine who was constantly morbidly obese, and used to tell me how hard it was to lose weight. I used to think 'why doesn't she just not buy crap' or simply 'not eat crap' oh how I laugh now, being overweight and finding it more difficult to stick to a weight loss plan than I did giving up smoking I do now think of food as an addiction. But unlike smoking, you can't simply go cold turkey (excuse the food reference). You still have to eat.

Tbh OP, I'd try a different GP

Well done @MrsFattyBumBum

I'm thinking this milshake/bar VLCD isn't doing me any favours either.

Part of me feels like it's another failure to give up but it's so much pressure.

Agree with others about the one or two posters on this thread who clearly don't understand addiction.
I can control food no problem. Can I stop smoking? Nope. If I'm bored I smoke, if I'm upset I smoke, if I'm stressed I smoke. I went for a walk with a friend not so long ago who was very surprised I was so out off puff because I'm 'so slim and healthy. No I'm not, you just can't see my addiction. I also 'binge smoke' so I get that as well.
The people on here sometimes who are bloody perfect eh?
Anyway, have no suggestions but wanted to add my support. You can do this xxx

Agree with others about the one or two posters on this thread who clearly don't understand addiction ha ha ha ha ha I wish.

OP - when are you at your happiest? What is the thing you do that lifts your mood? It is never ever what you eat but why you eat. It seems to me that you have tried lots of approaches with reasonable success but then you return to your old ways. You have demonstrated that you can control the eating but my guess is because you are not addressing the underlying cause you revert. You judge yourself harshly because you see yourself as fat and you see being fat as the physical manifestation of something. Be kind to yourself. I am no expert but it seems to me focusing on your mental health rather than the specifics of your eating is the first step.

Can I suggest you look at parkrun (parkrun.org.uk) which, initially, I think could help you with your mental health issues by helping you feel more confident about being you, and being part of a group. I'd suggest you volunteer first, to get to know people. There are roles with minimal direct interaction with people if you're shy. No one judges, and in fact are much more likely to applaud your efforts to change. It is addictive, as its such a lovely community to be part of, and could help with your agoraphobia by instilling a routine. It wouldn't affect your benefits and could even be something to do as a family. Its completely free.
Once things start to get better you could start walking the course and then use it as exercise to back up a healthy eating plan, if you're working on that in parallel.
Coming back in to the house buzzing from either shouting encouragement to others for an hour, or just getting round the course, could also supply the extra energy to start to tackle things in the house that are bugging you.
You might find others in the same boat as you too, for some mutual, local, free support

Well

I've sorted all the washing out. Might not sound alot but 6 people's washing all piled up in the kitchen over months is a big thing.
All put away so I achieved something in the back of this thread. Thankyou (especially Viv)

im sure the OP showers, and brushes her teeth, why is overeating viewed inthe same vein as poor hygiene?