I'm going to die fat.

[MrsFattyBumBum]

I just can't control my eating.

Have had disordered eating for as long as I can remember. Never seen a doctor for it. Well general GP who just tells me to join Wright watchers etc...

I was a normal size at 20. After my first kid I went up to about 13 stone.

15 years later I'm now almost 16 stone.

I've lost 1.5 stone though a shake replacement diet but now I've just fell off the wagon.

This morning I've had.
3 kit kats
A curry pastie
4 jammy dodgers

Once I start I just CANNOT stop myself. Its like I try and fill this emptyness with food but it never works.

I can't do this anymore.

I always lose a stone or 2 and put it all back on.

I can't do it.

I binge. Vomit. Starve myself (600cals) or binge and don't purge gaining weight.

I never have a steady pattern

I've tried
Slimfast
Keto
VLCDs
Weight watchers
Slimming world

All of it.

Why am I like this :(

First step is having a strength not to buy anything that is easy to eat in the house.That worked for me.
Being bitter towards the stranger who want to help you won't help you.
It's your problem, not anyone else's. If you are getting angry about people asking questions, then no point of asking, just deal it yourself.

Again, recommending this organisation, which seems to have several options for you to gain specialist support.
www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/

I absolutely understand where you're coming from. I've been on umpteen diets and they only work for as long as they're working!
Can I suggest a book? It's completely changed my point of view on diets and how I eat, and the weight is coming off slowly but surely.
It's called How to have your Cake and have your skinny jeans too by Josie Spinardi - it's about £5 on kindle. I read it and cried - it just got how I felt about weight loss / gain, diets etc etc.
It might be worth a go for you too.

To be fair to soola starting off by not having things like KitKat/biscuits in the house is a start. You don't need to replace them anytime soon.

I don't understand why you are so averse to it. Your DC don't need them, they will be fine without a biscuit. If you want to give them an occasional chocolate bar just buy one from Tesco. Really not a big deal.

It does sound like you need some proper therapy. You aren't going to sort out your weight just be dieting because it's not the weight that's the problem, it's your mood and your disordered eating.

Go back to your GP, write everything down. Go in with a diary of when you've binged, if you've vommited etc. You are going to have to push. Is there a different GP in the practice you could see?

OP (i refuse to use your username!) my heart breaks for you. I know exactly how you feel. Dreading attending family gatherings or seeing people you havent seen for a while because you know you are bigger than the last time they saw you. I have always been big. Smallest a large size 14 and biggest a 22. Im currently a size 16 and about 12st (im 5ft 2in) but i struggle every day not to binge. i know i cant just have a piece of chocolate or one biscuit because that will be my trigger to binge anything and everything i can get my hands on so i just dont but i honestly struggle with it every day.

Oops whilst I was doing all that typing another one joined the thread.

Honestly I don't know why there's an obesity crisis when you have people like @Everythingseemsfine freely available to tell you just how useless you really are eh?

I've been in your place and you are making excuses. That's part of mental illness, you put barriers in your way that don't really exist.

Getting rid of the snacks won't end your disordered eating, but it will help get you on the right track. Yes, you can binge on fruit, but you'll have consumed a fraction of the calories that you have today.

Eating disorders are complex and there is very little help available unless you're severely ill, but that doesn't stop you taking some responsibility.

(I was over 17 stone at my biggest and now less than 10 stone. I'll always have a battle with food but the best thing I ever did was getting rid of all the crap in the house. If it's not there, I can't eat it.)

Go and brush your teeth. Go on. You'll feel better, and it's self care, and that's uplifting.

I think that you might have to realise that it might not just click for you. You might have to make it click and if I’m truthful, I don’t know an easy way to do that. Maybe you just have to come to terms with the fact that if it won’t click for you, you’ll have to lose weight another way, and need to find a way to eat well but without the associated guilt. Real life help is the only way, and a change of mindset.

Also you can replace the snacks with healthier options, no one has to miss out. Look at Kallo rice cakes, you can get chocolate, Marmite, salt and vinegar, and they're just as satisfying and far more filling than a biscuit.

I don’t have kids but I recognise this pattern of eating. I’m 19st and increasing because I just cannot stop eating. I’m ok for a bit but then the binge monster will come and I will just eat and eat and eat anything and everything in the house. Pasta, rice, cheese, eggs, beans. That’s marginally better than binging on crisps and sweets but still not great. Then I feel bad about binging and I’ll find myself doing it day after day after day to make it easier to cope with the guilt of binging. Trying to stop is taking away my coping mechanism for my depression and anxiety. I can’t keep my house food free.

I second what @Peridot1 said. Check out Rebelfit, has a Facebook and Instagram page. Very eye opening.

DishingOutDone, I have grown up watching my grandma(she was always in bed, never moved, as far as I can remember), and later auntie suffer from extreme obesity. They spent years on bed, just laying there, until they died. So, it must be a joke for me to have a opinions, before it's too late, right?

I disagree @MrsFattyBumBum if you were an alcoholic and buying wine in your house I think you’d have to agree that’s not such a great place to be if you’re trying to stop being addicted to it.
Low calorie snacks such as celery and apples can be eaten in massive quantities. I too had binge eating disorder and can binge on anything but binging on cake led to a different outcome to prepared celery sticks and measured super low calorie mayo.
I still binged but on different food and honest to god if you binge on certain foods your jaw can’t take it anymore.
Changing your mindset is what’s needed. If you continue to say you can’t change anything then you won’t and that is where counselling is required. If you can afford it go privately and you can do Skype sessions as well so no need to even leave the house.
I think some people are trying to be helpful but you’ll reject any help as it’s too painful to face up to the truth and that’s ok. By getting in someone with experience dealing with this you might trust them more with the advice you’re given.

No Golden but you wouldn't just say 'stop drinking' to an alcoholic.

And it's not the same.
Am alcoholic CAN remove all alcohol from the house.

I can't remove food. Its necessary to live. And all food is dangerous if I'm in a dangerous place.

OP, diets don't work, they stuff up your metabolism and make you hungrier, they are unsustainable in the long run, it is not your fault, they JUST DON"T WORK, yes, people will lose weight, but in most cases in the long run, it will all come bak and then some (for example, look up what happens to biggest losers contestants after the show), look up Dr Fung's work on this, it is illuminating.

Be careful though, fasting is not necessarily advisable if you have a history of eating disorders, but it could work for you with the help of a GP

I am making excuses because I have been here 100 times before.

They aren't strictly excuses, they are based on experience.

I have gotten into a better mindset dozens of times. I have made the steps and I fail.

So maybe I have given up. Maybe I just can't get motivated over stuff I've failed at SO many times

I just feel like even if I lost the 6 stone I need to there's no way on earth I could ever keep it off for the rest of my life.

I've failed for 15 years.

I wish people would stop giving you dieting advice. Mentally you aren’t in a place to Stick to a diet.
You are sad, isolated, you feel empty inside. These issues need addressed before anything else.

I don't know, I am the same. I am a smoker, and I am ashamed of myself. I failed quitting millions of times. But I am not ready to give up giving up smoking. Same for you. Don't say you have given up. Prognosis is way better for you to give up binge eating, then me giving up smoking.

Most of the diets you’ve listed are never helpful long term, and make people miserable.
Have you seen RH fitness on Facebook? There’s no BS on there, but the only thing that made a difference for me!

Track calories 1200-1400 a day with my fitness pal, eat what you want as long as you stay in range. Have one day of binging at the weekend. Works for me and OH, he’s lost 4 stone, I’ve lost 2 but I’m not that fat to begin with.

Have a read of this book. It's recommended as self help for people with eating disorders - particularly of the binge type. One tip I have seen for helping with binge type disorders is to make a plate of food you may have made to binge inedible. So you make the sandwich and then squeeze washing up liquid on it so you can't eat it. I don't know how helpful it is - I haven't tried it! But the book (I'm part way through) is good.

You’re I’m clearly in a bad place op I do hope you get the help you need. I am agreeing with you except that you need to hear the advice from someone you trust isn’t getting it wrong.
You’ve come on here and said what you want to say and then denied anyone except those who are agreeing with you the time of day. And that’s what addicts do. They have their blinkers on until their own body stops them and even then that’s not enough.

So what I’m saying is, the title of your OP obviously means you’re terrified of not getting your addiction under control but how about what are you going to change I agree with pp that you’ll need counselling to get to that place though.

Also watch your self esteem. I know exactly how it feels to not want to meet up with old friends because they’ll see what I’ve done to myself but in the end friends won’t care. They might actually see you’re in trouble and offer to see you more. I’m now healthy weight but I don’t even throw away my fat clothes because I am never sure if I’m going to be back in that place again. That’s the problem with an addiction, it is always there unfortunately and yes food is a difficult one as you can’t just go cold turkey.

You’re not making excuses, Young’s been really honest, and that’s a good approach before changing something.

Have you tried not eliminating anything, and eating 3 meals a day that are around 400/500 calories per meal, with no snacks? Blood sugar should drop, we need a break from eating to allow our body to digest food.

Read The Binge Code.