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I'm going to die fat.

258 replies

MrsFattyBumBum · 09/10/2019 11:49

I just can't control my eating.

Have had disordered eating for as long as I can remember. Never seen a doctor for it. Well general GP who just tells me to join Wright watchers etc...

I was a normal size at 20. After my first kid I went up to about 13 stone.

15 years later I'm now almost 16 stone.

I've lost 1.5 stone though a shake replacement diet but now I've just fell off the wagon.

This morning I've had.
3 kit kats
A curry pastie
4 jammy dodgers

Once I start I just CANNOT stop myself. Its like I try and fill this emptyness with food but it never works.

I can't do this anymore.

I always lose a stone or 2 and put it all back on.

I can't do it.

I binge. Vomit. Starve myself (600cals) or binge and don't purge gaining weight.

I never have a steady pattern

I've tried
Slimfast
Keto
VLCDs
Weight watchers
Slimming world

All of it.

Why am I like this :(

OP posts:
Peridot1 · 09/10/2019 12:51

Nice one Soola.

From the OPs posts it is obvious she is in a bad place. It’s much more than just not having snacks in her house.

MrsFattyBumBum · 09/10/2019 12:52

We have fruit at home. They LOVE fruit.

Why does having a pack of kitkats in the cupboard equate to not fruit and poor parenting

Am I in the twilight zone? I don't know a single person who doesn't have something like that in the cupboard for occasional after dinner treats or for with a cuppaConfused

OP posts:
PackingSoapAndWater · 09/10/2019 12:56

Okay, I'm going to be controversial here.

You say you eat to fill a hole, an emptiness. That is because you do have a hole, or rather, an absence. Not of willpower or anything like that, but, deep inside, there is something that is supposed to be in your life that isn't there.

It could be a purpose, a vocation, a desire, a way of life, a set of daily experiences, but whatever it is, you do not have it in your life. You are not living the life you are supposed to be living, and it has created the presence of an absence in your psyche. It is this absence that you are filling with food.

Until you figure out what the absence is about, you will have to rely on blunt force willpower to keep to a diet to lose the weight. And that is really f*kin hard. The double whammy is that even if you do lose the weight, the absence will still be there.

So I would say to you ... start trying to figure out what the absence is. Tell yourself out loud you are going to figure it out. And get prepared to do that.

First up, start a journal and just write down everything in your head every day no matter how it comes out. After a week or so, all that stuff that is backed up in your head will be on the page. That's like clearing out the crap that resides in your psyche. Then start reflecting on your day: what happened, how you felt, and why did you ate what you did when.

Then do a root cause analysis on why you ate, say, some junk food. This is a process by which you ask yourself "Why?" five/six times (you can google it).

For example, why did you eat three kit-kats this morning?
Because I fancied them
Why did you fancy them?
Because I just thought about them in the cupboard while I was doing X.

Why did you think about them while you were doing X?
Because they popped into my head.
Why did they pop into your head?
Because X/Y/Z....
Why X/Y/Z?
Because D/E/F
Why D/E/F?
Because ...

Normally, at this point, you will find the root cause of why you ate those kit-kats. The answer may surprise you.

Use that answer to make changes. Those changes may be daft at first (it could be something as tangential as the colour of some of your towels reminds you of a kit-kat wrapper, so you have to hide those towels from sight), but use the answers you get to slowly remove or neutralise those root cause triggers that sabotage you.

Then do the same root cause process to figure out why you are not doing positive things you think you might want to do. Most of the time, self-sabotage is a twisted way of protecting yourself from something. If you know what that something is, you can deal with it properly.

If you are a physically healthy individual and there are no medical reasons why you are overweight, then the cause is in your soul. Fix that, and life will be a lot easier.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Soola · 09/10/2019 12:57

Am I in the twilight zone? I don't know a single person who doesn't have something like that in the cupboard for occasional after dinner treats or for with a cuppa
But do they have food addict/obese person in the family that desperately needs to lose weight?

What a ‘normal’ family has in their home isn’t working for you is it?

That’s why you need to take some drastic measures if you want to be healthy.

The poster that mentioned alcohol was correct, it’s no different with an over eating addiction.

MrsFattyBumBum · 09/10/2019 12:59

Soola. Please go away. You are not helping my current upset.

OP posts:
Trewser · 09/10/2019 13:00

From the OPs posts it is obvious she is in a bad place. It’s much more than just not having snacks in her house

Of course. But it helps you to eat better if you don't have cakes and biscuits in your house in the first place. I don't. We have chocolate on a Friday night, dh buys it and i don't have any.

What's the difference between not buying them or the OP buying them and binging - the difference is one saves the OPS wallet and health - the kids still don't get the kitkats!

Soola · 09/10/2019 13:01

No,YOU are not helping yourself by constantly making excuses.

Good luck, but sadly you will fail unless YOU are determined to overcome your obesity by getting help and being realistic about what food you keep in your home.

JenniferM1989 · 09/10/2019 13:01

Highly recommend intermittent fasting. Namely 19:5 or 20:4. I always lose weight doing it, feel better and the headaches stop too.

I only eat between 1:30pm and 6:30pm. I have lunch at 1:30pm which is usually soup with some bread and a piece of fruit but it can really be anything that is moderately healthy and includes a portion of fruit or veg and is under 400kcal. Then I eat dinner at 6pm and again, can be anything as long as it has a portion of veg in it and is under about 800kcal. I drink anything I like so coffee (50kcal for one with some milk and one sugar), Pepsi max, water and squash which are all calorie free. Basically no calorie counting, only need to think about eating twice a day and it just works. I consume around 1300kcal-1400kcal while fasting.

I lost 15lb in 4 weeks the last time. I'm doing more of a lifestyle change this time. I may reintroduce breakfast once I lose the weight I want but I've never been a big breakfast eater so will probably just be a banana and a yogurt or something

Trewser · 09/10/2019 13:02

I think everything she's said is relevant. The fact that the OP finds it so challenging and has used not buying biscuits as a segue into being abused as a child shows how deep this lies.

OP you aren't going to do this without counselling.

raisinseverywhere · 09/10/2019 13:03

It’s not a solution, because I know that if I have no snacks in the house then I’ll search the cupboards for something else to eat. Cheese, bread, cereal, honey, peanut butter, anything.... But I guess it can only help to not have food that will encourage your need to binge. I buy 2 packets of crisps at a time and 2 bars of chocolate at a time and tell my DC I’ve bought them, and then I’ll feel I can’t eat them.

Also 16:8 etc doesn’t work for me as I can fit a lot of calories into a few hours if I want to! Anything that encourages the deny/binge mentality will not help.

I know that GPs are not always helpful, but when you make an appointment ask the receptionist to recommend which GP is best to see about this. Then be truthful about your bulimia etc and be forceful that you need help. Write down what you want to say before you go in.

Good luck x

MrsFattyBumBum · 09/10/2019 13:04

I agree packing. There is something missing but I don't think it's an actual thing I can fix. I think it's my mental health disorder that just makes me feel manically depressed. Medication balances it to na extent but on paper I have a good life.

I probably do need to get out more. But my anxiety disorder doenst allow it. I'm slowly over coming agoraphobia.
I'd say I'm 60% there. But even school runs can cause panic attacks.

Which makes it hard for me to get out and socialise because social anxiety prevents just that.

I would love to be able to volunteer somewhere or something. Part of me thinks it would really help.

But it would also affect my benefit an Di could be classed as fit for work if I even attempt to do something like that. So I'm stuck until I am well enough to function normally at a working level.

Which I'm just not right now.

It's a catch 22 situation. I can't get better without pushing myself but if I push myself I could get accused of benefit fraud.

I feel utterly stuck

OP posts:
TheQueef · 09/10/2019 13:06

Two posters labouring their point about snacks... do you honestly think it's a case of not having it in?
We are talking about food not smack, food is everywhere and you can't quit it completely so you have to have your demon each day.

Trewser · 09/10/2019 13:06

Go out for a walk every single day without fail. That might start to kickstart things for you. You won't lose weight that way, but you'd be surprised how much it can help depression. Good luck.

MrsFattyBumBum · 09/10/2019 13:07

Exactly raisins.

I can binge on ANYTHING.
Last week it was fish finger sandwiches.

Taking the biscuits out of the cupboard does nothing.

I can cook and binge on mashed potatoes and chicken.

I can binge on bread.

I can binge on fruit

It doenst matter WHAT the food is. Just that it's eaten

So no Soola. That wouldn't make a shit bit of difference because emy issue isn't with kitkats

It's with disordered eating.

OP posts:
MrsFattyBumBum · 09/10/2019 13:08

You have absolutely no concept of eating disorders. You have admitted you've never even been overweight so maybe this isn't the best thread for you to post your advice on Soola.

OP posts:
somany · 09/10/2019 13:10

Op you need counselling. I've already posted on this thread under a different t name but can't be bothered to switch back but I've lost a lot of weight recently. You are wrong about everyone having treats in the house though. I don't. Most slim people I know don't - they might buy a treat for the kids but they eat it and then it's gone. Most people don't have packets of biscuits and chocolate in the cupboard. I would eat it if it was there so I don't buy it so as to avoid the temptation.

MrsFattyBumBum · 09/10/2019 13:10

It's like going on an alcoholics thread and telling someone with a drinking problem that because you don't buy wine that's the reason you've never been an alcoholic.

No idea at all.

OP posts:
PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 09/10/2019 13:13

While diet is obviously important I don't think anyone has mentioned exercise? It's exceptionally difficult to maintain a healthy weight through just dieting.

MrsFattyBumBum · 09/10/2019 13:15

Pan I walk 80 mins a day minimum but that's about it.

I try to get in a workout routine but like Viv pointed out that's hard when you're in such a low mood that brushing your teeth twice a day isn't a priority.

1.15 and ibe still not brushed them Blush Sad

OP posts:
Tana433 · 09/10/2019 13:17

@Soola You have said you have never been overweight so, im sorry, you clearly think you are being helpful and motivational but in truth you are coming across as extremely patroising. Do you think the OP doesnt know how to lose weight? Of course she does but putting it into practise day after day is so hard and you really dont understand what you are talking about.

MrsFattyBumBum · 09/10/2019 13:17

I know what I have to do.

I have to eat well and exercise.

And I often start off doing that, well, an dosing a good 20lbs but then I just can't sustain it and I feel crap about that and put it all back on.

It's like a bad crappy horror movie when you know exactly what is going to happen and you will it not to, but it does anyway.
And I keep playing the same movie over and over. Every year.

OP posts:
MrsFattyBumBum · 09/10/2019 13:20

And it's so embarrassing.

Bumping into people and being heavier than last time again and again.

Trying to look nice on special occasions but spending the whole time camera dodging.

I regret that being my life for so long.

And it sounds so easy.

I get so jealous when I see people post that they were 20 stone and now they are 10stone.

Because one day it 'just clicked'.

When is it going to click for me?

OP posts:
Chloe9 · 09/10/2019 13:22

There are other ways to access counselling, there might be an organisation in your area specifically and there is also a charity called mind, I would push with the GP too and say you want counselling for your depression and eating disorder. Complain if you need to. Make a fuss: you deserve to get better

BariatricGal · 09/10/2019 13:24

Hello! I changed my name just for this post. I have been where you are, minus the clinical depression, so I fully understand the frustration of doing diet after diet, to lose some weight and the gain it all back. I know about food addiction and not being in control of your emotions, and about self-destructive behaviors.

I had bariatric surgery and I feel that has changed my life. My advice would be to go and talk to a bariatric surgeon if you can get a referral. Mine was very compassionate and explained with scientific basis why I had almost 0 chance to be normal weight, just by dieting. I also consulted two other specialists bariatric and metabolic doctors and they all agreed in their diagnosis and advised that I would be a good candidate. I needed a psychological assessment before I was authorized to have the surgery.

I know there is a lot of stigma around weight loss surgery, so I thought that I would post in case it is of any help. I too have young children and worried terribly about the bad example I was setting, and about me dying young due to my obesity.

I wish you all the best and sincerely hope that you can find the strength to put yourself first.

DishingOutDone · 09/10/2019 13:24

@MrsFattyBumBum - I love the analogy about the alcoholic and wine. Only thing is if people are addicted to alcohol or drugs, they can usually hide it from people in the street - maybe they are even considered a bit rock n roll eh? But if you are overweight you wear your condition on the outside for all to see.

My circumstances have a lot in common with yours - I've often felt desperate and wondered if I should post something similar but you always get the twats coming on saying eat less move more. Like they'd tell an anorexic person to eat more move less. Ignore them.

I plodded along pretty desperately until I saw a poster in a hospital advertising Tier 3 services. So each health authority engages a tier 3 service for weight loss. Tier 2 is see your GP etc., tier 3 is usually a 12 week course of counselling and support and sometimes free gym membership (not always). At the end, if you are willing change (albeit unable) you can be referred for bariatric review; so you go to the hospital, they look at gastric bands, the balloon method, complete bypass etc. You get a dietician and you attend regularly whilst you decide what to do, and whilst they decide if you are suitable for the procedures. Its for people who have comorbidity - other conditions that will affect their life expectancy, and I think your BMI has to be 30+

I'd thoroughly recommend going through the process and see how you get on, its a good use of time and energy and I learnt a lot. I resisted surgery all the time my kids were young, now I realise that if I don't act I won't live to see them as adults so its now or never for me. Its sounds like are in the same place I was 5 years ago. So go back to the GP, or make enquiries with your local health authority if GP is being obstructive, and see what's on offer in your area.

Do this to take control of your life, which is what you so desperately need. Also just wanted to say hi to @vivariumvivariumsvivaria who seems to have great insight.