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I'm going to die fat.

258 replies

MrsFattyBumBum · 09/10/2019 11:49

I just can't control my eating.

Have had disordered eating for as long as I can remember. Never seen a doctor for it. Well general GP who just tells me to join Wright watchers etc...

I was a normal size at 20. After my first kid I went up to about 13 stone.

15 years later I'm now almost 16 stone.

I've lost 1.5 stone though a shake replacement diet but now I've just fell off the wagon.

This morning I've had.
3 kit kats
A curry pastie
4 jammy dodgers

Once I start I just CANNOT stop myself. Its like I try and fill this emptyness with food but it never works.

I can't do this anymore.

I always lose a stone or 2 and put it all back on.

I can't do it.

I binge. Vomit. Starve myself (600cals) or binge and don't purge gaining weight.

I never have a steady pattern

I've tried
Slimfast
Keto
VLCDs
Weight watchers
Slimming world

All of it.

Why am I like this :(

OP posts:
MonstranceClock · 09/10/2019 12:19

The only way I ever managed to control my bullemia was through the one meal a day diet. I would fast all day until 7pm. I could then eat what I liked as long it stayed within my 1200 calorie limit. I never fell off the wagon because I never felt deprived, I could eat what I liked. The first 2 days were hard but after that my stomach shrunk and it wasn’t a problem. Now I’m a little more flexible, but still can’t eat more than one meal no matter what time I eat it.

MrsFattyBumBum · 09/10/2019 12:20

All those things. Except the lipstick. I do buy myself make up to 'cover up and hide'

I don't like going to the hairdressers because they make you sit in front of a mirror :(

OP posts:
AudTheDeepMinded · 09/10/2019 12:21

@Mrs If you don't fix the behaviours and the compulsions you may be one of those that find a way to cheat the band. It is not a quick fix if you end up blending mars bars and drinking them. You still need to tackle the emotional issues that cause the disordered behaviours in the first place. Self sabotage cannot be fixed with surgery alone.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

MrsFattyBumBum · 09/10/2019 12:21

I'm on disability benefits so I can't folind the money.

I emailed a few people a few months back and the cheapest was £90 a session. That'smore than my weekly shopping budget. I simply don't have that spare. I wish I did.

OP posts:
XoandRogelio · 09/10/2019 12:21

I’d also strongly suggest the book The Diet Myth, to learn more about how food really interacts with our bodies and gut microbes

I'd second this - this book actually changed my life. I focused on improving my gut bacteria, and my depression lifted, my food cravings stopped and I lost weight.

AudTheDeepMinded · 09/10/2019 12:22

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TheQueef · 09/10/2019 12:23

Have a look at the gastric balloon.
Less invasive than the band and depending on your health no GA.
Does the same, restricts the quantity you can eat. Still need willpower for the bad stuff. Completely removable.
I used to be fat and greedy but got cancer and lost a lot that way.
My best pal is fat and an overeater. She's 45 but same story. Now she's getting not with obesity related issues, blood pressure, diabetes, knees fucked etc that's why I've read up.

Trewser · 09/10/2019 12:24

I thought soolas advice was good.

You aren't depriving your kids by not having a load of sugary shite in the house. Noone needs it, not you, your dh or your kids.

vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 09/10/2019 12:24

I asked about a gastric band, and was put off. We don't know much about the long term effects of it yet - and it's, to my mind, still disordered eating, just at the opposite end of the scale.

I don't have much control over my eating, so expecting me to cope with counting vitamins and protein for the rest of my life, having to have tiny portions at social events, never drinking wine again - no, I can't do that.

What I CAN do, is not eat after 8pm. There's no need, I know there's no need. It took a few weeks of going to bed really early to break the habit, but, I'd say that now, after about 6 months, I'm in the habit of not eating after 8pm. Then I added in not eating breakfast, and now I'm fasting 16:8 every day and I've lost over a stone.

I still eat chocolate and what not, but, I am definitely making better choices in general.

It's really, really slow - but, that's the only way, I reckon. I'm comfortable now with 16:8, next thing is the house. In fact, today I went to the charity shop with bags of clothes which are only fit for the rag bags. After a quick skive I'm going to tackle the mess at the top of the stairs and the cupboard of doom.

One afternoon a week I'm doing organising. Six months of that, and I reckon we'll have less clutter.

Less clutter, means I'll be able to find my swimming costume and make time to actually go.

I'm really hopeful that I can keep it up. Small changes are changes. Choose one and do it for a week, it doesn't matter what it is.

Our problem isn't our weight - it's that we are overwhelmed and don't know where to start. So, choose one thing - brushing your teeth twice a day, going for a walk once a day, not buying jammy dodgers, it doesn't matter which it is, you just need to choose something that is a manageable change.

Soola · 09/10/2019 12:27

@Trewser thank you

HabbyHadno · 09/10/2019 12:32

Watching with interest as I'm totally the same. I've just given up on it. I found listening to Laura Thomas's Don't Salt My Game podcasts really helpful but ultimately I can't find it in me to diet any more. It's broken me and they don't work. I feel your pain OP.

chloedee123 · 09/10/2019 12:35

I think @vivariumvivariumsvivaria advice is absolutely spot on! Having a complete life over haul is daunting and unmanageable to say the least. Starting off small is the key. Changing one Habit at a time. Personally I think you should start off by changing the way you see yourself.

goldenpalm · 09/10/2019 12:36

Also OP I’ve had eating disorders and been to GP the help doesn’t really come on the nhs. They are so over stretched as it is but I completely agree you have a disorder which needs help.
It’s not about not having snacks in the house it’s about having an addiction and not putting that ‘substance’ in front of you.
I always say to my dh do not buy anything. He is not depriving anyone of anything by not buying snacks because humans weren’t really designed to have 24 multi pack crisps etc in the house anyway. My dc are healthier because I can’t eat it and actually instead of you depriving them of something they are gaining better eating habits.

If you were an alcoholic would you be depriving your dh of a good life by saying no alcohol in the house please, if you want it go to the pub alone. This is the same.

AudTheDeepMinded · 09/10/2019 12:36

@Chloe there's not a switch she needs to find you know? I'm sure if it were that simple she would have managed that by now.

Gottobefree · 09/10/2019 12:38

Have you ever tried counselling ? I went through a similar thing and I couldn't stop eating. I was emotionally eating. Happy = eat. Sad = eat. Stressed = eat.

Sometimes it can be a symptom of unhappiness. Try talking to a counsellor, clearing your mind and then fill your days with things to do; e.g sewing so your hands are busy and you can't snack or create a part time job ! Just something that keeps you busy and not thinking about food.
A diet or meal plan can't help you if you aren't mentally able to cope x

Soola · 09/10/2019 12:38

@goldenpalm great post.

Op you said you don’t want to deny your husband and children but why are they eating that crap?

chloedee123 · 09/10/2019 12:40

@aud I do apologise if I've offended you or OP that wasn't my intention. I KNOW there isn't a switch as stated previously I've been in OP position. I was simply trying to help.

MrsFattyBumBum · 09/10/2019 12:41

Soola they are kids. I don't think it's terrible to have a packet of jammy dodgers and 9 kitkats in the cupboard between 4 kids and 1 adult. Why shouldn't they be allowed a biscuit with a cup of tea.
They don't overeat.

Have a jammy dodger of your own Biscuit

OP posts:
Soola · 09/10/2019 12:43

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MrsFattyBumBum · 09/10/2019 12:47

Excuse me?
I'm not making excuses. I own up to my issues.

You never had a packet of biscuits in the cupboard the whole of your kids childhoods?
I don't belive that for a second.

All my kids are perfect weight for their heights and my husband has a 30 inch waist.

But then again they weren't abused as kids like I was so fuck off with your judgement.

OP posts:
Trewser · 09/10/2019 12:48

Soola they are kids. I don't think it's terrible to have a packet of jammy dodgers and 9 kitkats in the cupboard

So they eke them out over a week do they? Or do you eat them all?

vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 09/10/2019 12:48

I’ve never been overweight

There you go, then, Soola. You've nothing useful to offer here.

Away you go and tickle your ribs, you're not being helpful and you're not being kind.

MrsFattyBumBum · 09/10/2019 12:49

Sound slike not allowing your kids a biscuit the whole of their childhoods is a much better way to give them food issues rather than aloowing them to have a small amount of something once in a while.

OP posts:
Trewser · 09/10/2019 12:50

Your kids right to have a kitkat when they want one doesn't trump your right to be healthier.

Get dh to take them out for a sugary blowout every now and again. Buy fruit for home.

MrsFattyBumBum · 09/10/2019 12:50

Trewswr today I have eaten them because ei feel shit.

Normally if I want being a fat cunt they would last the week yes.

But seeing though today I have been I will replace them

OP posts: