Living life according to a soap opera

[jennymanara]

If you were going to live your life according to how people live in soap operas, what would you do differently?

If I had a small problem I would never talk to DP about it e.g. small debt. Instead I would try and hide the problem and end up in a far bigger mess.

If the kids annoyed me I would send them to their bedroom. I would next see them 9 months later when they would have grown and become less annoying.

If I wanted anyone to babysit I would go to the cafe or pub and easily find someone to babysit on the spot, for the rest of the day.

If I was unemployed, I would spend the day wandering around the shops and pub right outside my house, and by the end of the day I would have a job.

I would drink (a lot of) brands of whisky and lager which are only available in one street.

I would be unable to sit on a sofa without screwing the other person on the sofa.

I would spend all my time drinking beer, wine and spirits and mixers in the local pub with the rest of them.

Except when I develop an alcohol problem. Instead of making the drinks stronger and more frequent, I would instead stagger around the streets, drinking pure vodka or whisky straight from the bottle even though I had never been seen having a single shot before.

Once rehabilitated I would only ever drink orange juice.

^^ oh, but I would still drink my orange juice in the local pub, because I would be rehabilitated and the temptation would be gone and who wouldn’t want to pay more for a glass of orange juice in the pub even though you could get a whole carton for cheaper?

The only sign of pregnancy is morning sickness.You take a test and leave in in a bin.That someone has to go through to find their winning Lotto ticket.

But they get the wrong end of the stick and think its someone else.

When you go in to labour,your waters gush and after only 1 contraction you rush to hospital.

Only for the the road to be blocked,and so you give birth in a taxi with your mortal enemy by your side.Which you then name the baby after.

I’d know I was pregnant because I’d have dizzy spells and having to throw my hand over my mouth to be sick every 10 seconds. Labour would start with an intense, agonising pain that would have me doubled over, clutching my stomach.....

If I was ill I would know it was something serious that would end up with me being in hospital fighting for my life. I would know that it could not be a straightforward illness, or a more boring chronic illness that could be managed.

I would never have a discussion about current events, or watch tv, again.

I would happily have a sexual relationship with each of my neighbours, one after the other. I’d marry one, have a baby with the next and set up a business with another. No one would bat an eyelid.

I would also have a baby with my gay second cousin and a few other children with my straight cousin

My DP would have been in prison, have a history of beating up others on the street and threatening them, still be involved in criminal activities. And yet everyone would like him, and nearly all the women in my street would have at one point had sex with him.

My husband would turn out to be my long lost son/brother.

Around 80% of my neighbours would have been to prison, half of them for murder.

I would never ever spend any of my time trying to reload Windows onto my laptop, or recover my photos after my iPhone got lost, or have to spend 30 minutes on hold to a customer service department because the new sofa I ordered has been lost by the courier company.

Any diagnosis of fertility problems would result in the birth of a child.

I would only ever text in capitals and nobody would ever change their number.

When I go shopping, I will never have a queue of more than 2 people in front of me, and I will always know them both, and the shop assistant, so we can all have a good old gossip.

If I unaccountably find myself in a long queue, it'll be a sure sign that something unpleasant is about to happen.

If I have something really important to discuss with my partner I always wait till he's at work and at his most busy and stressed to tackle him about it.

If I have something sensitive and secret to tell someone, I just move across the room or into another part of the open-plan kitchen.

If someone is falsely accusing me of something I keep saying 'but you don't understand' rather than just putting them right.

If I run a café and something personal crops up that I have to deal with urgently, I just fling down my apron and tell the nearest customer to take over. As customers are always local and usually live next-door to me they don't bat an eyelid, and all know how to work the coffee machine.

Whenever anyone rings me, I always call them by name at least once. Then hang up without saying goodbye. And the screen display on my phone is in astonishing large text.

"I would never ever go to the loo."

I know lighthearted thread but I have severe OCD and I'd LOVE this to be possible!

On that note can I please:

Get a GP appointment and referral to MH services instantly with no waiting list and the treatment miraculously works within weeks! And be the person suffering from WHATEVER major mental illness is permanently cured!

I don't watch soaps nowadays as I got bored with the same storylines constantly rehashed, but I used to watch them ALL (I miss brookside most).

And there were several characters who had MAJOR mental illnesses from complete breakdowns, PTSD, addiction - all cured within a few weeks wig NEVER a relapse or recurrence - infuriatingly misleading.

The above written before I read

"I would get help for my mental health problems instantly and recover with an issue"

"If I had absolutely no money I wouldn’t “go down the benefits route” I’d rely on friends and family who would magically come through. Money worries would then disappear when next door neighbour dies/becomes ill/commits murder/is murdered"

This is another reason I stopped watching actually. Certain soaps used to be GREAT for raising social issues and challenging the govt of the day in this way.

But I really am fairly confident that universal credit, pip assessments, lack of Nhs care, social care etc are not things today's soap characters EVER have to worry about - brookside and eastenders used to be FANTASTIC for this kind of thing. Casualty too in the early days addressed waiting lists, inadequate treatment pathways etc

In the current climate I REALLY feel we need a drama show that isn't afraid to make viewers question what is happening in our country.

Mind you at the moment I can appreciate with filming schedules they could make erudite comments on eg Johnson being pm/brexit/whatever but by the time it airs we'll have yet another new PM having had NO ge and brexit will somehow miraculously have been completely forgotten about (we can but dream!)

"My relationship,with my Ex(s) will go.round and round in circles we will.get together ,get married ,one of us will have an affair ,split up.,get back together etc,etc ."'to be fair I know people like this in real life! I couldn't live like that! Way too stressful

I would never close my curtains when going to bed.
When arranging to meet someone I would never specify a time but just know.
I’d change my name easily after each of my many marriages without any hassle. I’d also not be able to get married without a death / shooting/kidnapping/ revelation about the groom’s affair with best friend

I would work as a medical professional and miraculously be present for, and able to deal with, every possible medical situation that may arise amongst my neighbours.

This would range from diagnosing mental health issues, to childbirth (I would deliver All the local children), to "patching up" major loss of limb.

My face would be perfectly made up upon waking.

I would sigh a lot.

I would wear clippy cloppy shoes in the house at all times.

I would move to Brisbane and the whole street would tearfully wave me off then instantly forget who I am.

Years later i would discover I’d been given the wrong baby in the hospital, but, hey ho, we’d all get over it in a couple of weeks and carry on, never to refer to it again

@ChevalierTialys and drilling into someone's head in the outback