Living life according to a soap opera

[jennymanara]

If you were going to live your life according to how people live in soap operas, what would you do differently?

If I had a small problem I would never talk to DP about it e.g. small debt. Instead I would try and hide the problem and end up in a far bigger mess.

If the kids annoyed me I would send them to their bedroom. I would next see them 9 months later when they would have grown and become less annoying.

If I wanted anyone to babysit I would go to the cafe or pub and easily find someone to babysit on the spot, for the rest of the day.

If I was unemployed, I would spend the day wandering around the shops and pub right outside my house, and by the end of the day I would have a job.

If I'm having a big celebration ie ,wedding ,christening etc my guests wil only be my neighbours even those I don't like ,there won't be any family members or friends other than those that live in the street,square ,small village

Ha ha @Fuma ! Between us that should keep the "slaaaaaags" at bay

Our family would only sit on three sides of a rectangular table.
My baby would look incredibly like a doll in a blanket.
My baby girl's part in the drama would actually be played by twin boys.
My ex partner would be an ex 1980's singer with a boy band, but is now a mechanic with a garage that is never open.

If I worked in a school I would get inappropriately involved in my students personal lives, sleep with other teachers and parents, sometimes on school premises and never do any planning or marking.

If I was a doctor I would get inappropriately involved in my patients personal lives, sleep with other doctors and patients, sometimes on hospital premises and never do any paperwork.

If I worked in the police I would get inappropriately involved...

You get the picture!

If I didn't like someone I would wait until they were in the pub with a full drink, then tip it over them. They would stand there obediently while I did it. No one would restrain me or interrupt me while I shouted at them and then flounced out. It would be great.

If I was hugging someone, I'd always pull a 'omg' face over their shoulder so they couldn't see.

I wouldn’t be totally single. I’d be single for a little bit until a hunky next door neighbour moves in after whirl wind romance. Either get married or we break up contract ends and the cycle starts again

My car wouldn’t have just been written off in a small prang it would be a massive collision involving, fire, a bridge and either small children or animals

I would dread Christmas. Christmas is a time of fear.
At Christmas I wouldn’t give cards with Santa and robins on. They’d have pictures of the Grim Reaper and divorce lawyers.

If I had a child in the street who was ten years younger than another child in the street, at some point their ages would converge and they'd end up in the same year and taking their exams at the same time with one gaining entry to Oxford but deciding to work in the local cafe instead.

Whenever a charity was doing a lot of work to raise public awareness about an issue, I would be very afraid that the issue was going to happen to me or a family member.

I would have affairs with/marry and divorce several neighbours, often more than once, but there’d be no bitterness from anyone. I’d work a minimum wage job but be able to drink in the pub every lunch time and evening. I’d survive several major accidents, all of which happen on my doorstep, thanks to the care of another neighbour who’s a nurse specialising in everything.

I’d also go to jail. Probably for something I didn’t do, whilst the real culprit gradually turns into a psycopathic murderer, whilst no one notices that everyone they fall out with ends up dead.

I'd gk to prison and end up sharing a cell with my next door neighbour. If i was a London-based criminal, I'd wait 30 years for my 'revenge' by by purchasing their houses and everyone would remember who I was (even though most people hadnt lived there then).

If I had been imprisoned in the North-West, I'd simply return to my street and look for a new husband. Preferably one who breaks into my house to burgle it.

If I had absolutely no money I wouldn’t “go down the benefits route” I’d rely on friends and family who would magically come through. Money worries would then disappear when next door neighbour dies/becomes ill/commits murder/is murdered

I’d have loads of long lost relatives.

I'd pretend to forget my child/partner's birthday while secretly planning a huge party and inviting everyone in the street/village. They would get the hump and immediately leave home without ever finding out about the party.

I'd develop an ability to read minds and know where and what time to meet people when they ask me to meet them later. I'd agree and then just walk off. Cause I'd know.

My relationship,with my Ex(s) will go.round and round in circles we will.get together ,get married ,one of us will have an affair ,split up.,get back together etc,etc .

If I was a particularly quiet person who didn't speak much I'd know i wasn't an important part in my soap

I'd often have a bag of cash under the sink or in the wardrobe. It would generally be very unclear who it belonged to, how it came into my possession or where it inevitably disappeared to. In the end, we will all just forget about it.

I'd spend my days popping in & out of neighbours' houses. The only time I'd go to work would be when I was in the middle of an argument & I'd suddenly have to storm out, preventing a proper conversation from happening & leaving the other person to mope around & seek counsel from others so that the entire world knew by the time I got back from work. Chances are, by the time I got home, it'd all be resolved & never mentioned again or the other person would've died in some hostage situation/tragic not-so-accidental "accident" & I'd be wracked with guilt for the next week.

That's unless I worked in the local cafe/pub, which I probably would do at some point. In that case, I'd be in work all day, every day.

If anyone upset me I'd either slap them immediately or quietly hold a grudge & bide my time, getting them to trust me, to fall in love with me, to marry me... Then I'd poison them or shove them off a cliff.

If anyone did anything illegal, I wouldn't report it to the police. I'd deal with it myself, either by killing the person, trying to reason with them before turning to the local thug to do 'em in, or blackmailing them until their parent/sister/3rd-cousin-4-times-removed found out, burst into my house & threatened me. I'd most likely marry said person at some point. Victim & I would side-eye each other occasionally until it all got forgotten.

I'd die young, or get my big break, or go travelling, or go to live with a family member who got their big break/went travelling.

I'd have a very complicated family with unknown siblings & probably a child or 2 popping up occasionally. If I'd had a baby before I appeared in the place I'll never leave until I go for good, it will have been twins, but no-one told me.

If I ever had a problem, one of my neighbours would sort it out for me.

I'd complain about being out of work or broke but I'd spend all my time drinking in the local pub.

My children wouldn't exist, unless something particularly dramatic was happening with them. At some point they'd probably go live with their other parent/aunt/grandparents when their behaviour suddenly got too much for me to cope with. Or prison. They'd come back 3 years later, about 8 years older & a very attractive teen who'd cause a few problems before being revealed to have a heart of gold & being accepted into the community.

Dinner would almost always be a takeaway. Unless I was known to be a chef, in which case I'd have a signature dish, or produce an unending array of hipster meals. Unless I was in one of the "broke" families, then it'd be fish fingers & spaghetti hoops, or a take away...

I'd never do my own washing, it'd have to go to the local launderette for a service wash. I'd also never use the loo, except if I was pregnant or there was some juicy gossip that needed to be overheard.

No matter what happened to me, emotionally or physically, if it didn't kill me I'd be miraculously recovered within 6 months, or shipped off to see a specialist somewhere.

I'll stop now...

I would sit moodily at the table watching my spouse cook a full English, when said breakfast is put in front of me I would angrily inform them I ain’t hungry, push the plate away and then storm out, my spouse would then scrape full English into the pedal bin whilst raising a cursory eyebrow.

I would have some very worrying health symptoms that I would ignore for months, eventually I decide I must go to the doctor, tests reveal that what I have is life threatening, however I refuse the treatment that they offer that could cure me and don’t tell a single member of my friends or family but keep my diagnoses to myself.

Nobody bats an eyelid at my less than conventional relstionship.,ie I am.in a long term relationship with the widower of the women my son murdered .

I would own a fruit and veg stall and manage to pay the rent on time every month and buy little luxuries and always be in the pub or bar