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Original poster

Don't believe my DP

192 replies

Natenywolf · 14/09/2019 18:09

Name changed for this as don't want this thread to show on my posting history.

When me and partner first got together he was violent (never towards me though I thought I should add) and would punch people if he was annoyed/angry and he knew I didn't like it but he stopped punching people although they made him angry and annoyed.

Today he went out with his friend for a few drinks.

He came back earlier and had a small cut on his face and a cut on his lip. I asked him how it happened and he said he scratched himself.

For some reason I don't believe him.

He's now asleep (isn't used to drinking as he doesn't drink often and when he does it makes him tired).

Any advice on what I could do? Or should I just leave it?

OP posts:

Lemoneeza · 15/09/2019 18:52

please be using reliable contraception

Wolfiefan · 15/09/2019 19:12

And one day you will make him angry.
Get out.

Cecilandsnail · 15/09/2019 19:15

You need to break away from this grim man. He sounds absolutely pathetic.

WhyBirdStop · 15/09/2019 19:22

A friend of mine's older brother used to get in arguments when he would go to the pub drinking and got into a fight once or twice (nothing major physically), this was when he was 18-21/22 ish. He then met his now wife, she told him if he carried on the behaviour she would walk away and if he couldn't behave himself when drinking or in that environment he should think about that. He hasn't had a single alcoholic drink since not even on their wedding day. That was 23 years ago and you'd never know he was ever the sort of person who got into scraps. People can change OP but it seems he's just hiding things from you.

hardyloveit · 15/09/2019 19:23

You say if he annoys you or your angry at him you don't start an argument. Is this because he is violent?

You honestly need to leave him. This is not how a relationship should be. You stepping on egg shells

Original poster

Natenywolf · 15/09/2019 19:25

He told me to leave him If I don't want to be with him because he knows I don't like him fighting even though he didn't mean to.

He said he will try to get an appointment at gp tomorrow because he's been getting angry alot (at work but he goes to Sit alone from a few minutes).

OP posts:

WhyBirdStop · 15/09/2019 19:37

Do you think he takes any drugs OP? Paranoid, crashes after going out.. This isn't always the case but is sometimes, cocaine in particular.

I've worked professionally with people with aggression issues (anger isn't a 'bad' emotion if you manage your responses, is the behaviour), some people escalate quickly, some people have strong internal and external triggers that they don't recognise/don't have management strategies, some people use aggressive behaviour instrumentally to get what they want and control situations. Without genuinely identifying where his aggression comes from he won't genuinely be able to manage himself or unpick why he feels the way he does (usually linked to deep rooted beliefs, attitudes and personal rules), so seeking help and then lying to the therapist is utterly pointless. I know I watch them lie to me, think they've won somehow, then pop back up in the criminal justice system having been violent again.

Original poster

Natenywolf · 15/09/2019 19:49

I don't think he does drugs.

I know it's pointless if he lied to them. He said he will speak to GP tomorrow but I don't know if he will lie again.

OP posts:

Mxyzptlk · 15/09/2019 19:54

Giving up alcohol would be a good start.

Work out if you can stay in the same locality, if you leave.
e.g. can you afford somewhere to live, maybe a flat share.

If you don't have to stay there, tho, it could be as well to move to your parents'.

Mxyzptlk · 15/09/2019 19:58

Can you talk to your parents about this? Or a friend?

He obviously can't be trusted and you'll be better off without him.

Original poster

Natenywolf · 15/09/2019 19:59

He doesn't drink alcohol often anyway. Maybe once every few months. Maximum 4 times a year. He didn't really want to go out yesterday either but his friend kept asking him because he had no one else to drink with so in the end partner said ok

OP posts:

CallmeAngelina · 15/09/2019 20:01

So, how do you feel about him lying to you last night and all today?

Mxyzptlk · 15/09/2019 20:04

It doesn't matter how often.
If alcohol makes him more likely to be violent, he should stay off it altogether.

Original poster

Natenywolf · 15/09/2019 20:21

I'm annoyed that he kept lying and he only told me because I asked him why blood was on his top. And because he said he wouldn't have told me.

OP posts:

carlywurly · 15/09/2019 20:28

I really can't imagine why you think anything about this is ok. Has this been your normality growing up? No bloke I know has ever got in the kind of physical fight you describe. (Beyond early primary age)

I think you need some support to help you leave and then you need something like the freedom programme to help you avoid these kinds of blokes like the plague for the rest of your life.

Original poster

Natenywolf · 15/09/2019 20:39

No it wasn't my normality growing up.

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 15/09/2019 20:48

Op. You may as well be honest. You're not going, you don't want to live with your parents. Did you even tell him this?

Are you considering having kids with this man? Raising children to be terrified to make him angry? To swallow their feelings, for you to live in constant fear he may hurt them.

Whatever happened in the pub, he wasn't randomly targeted. He's a vicious thug, he's not a gentleman, and he's a vicious thug you're so scared of you can't even argue back.

Is this really the life you're choosing?

hardyloveit · 15/09/2019 20:51

Your focusing on his lying rather than anything else here

Original poster

Natenywolf · 15/09/2019 20:52

No i didn't tell him I was going to leave but he told me to leave him If I don't want to be with him because he knows I don't like him fighting even though he didn't to.

We spoke about children and he said he doesn't want children until he gets married because he would be ready to be a dad then and if not he would wait a bit longer and I agreed with him.

OP posts:

Ginger1982 · 15/09/2019 21:00

So he basically assaulted two people for no real reason? Nice. And this is the man you are considering marrying and having kid la with? Stop minimising his behaviour and open your eyes for God's sake!

incognitomum · 15/09/2019 21:14

I hope you're very young.

I've known 2 men die from one punch and another whonis brain damaged in a wheelchair.

Good luck but you are scared whether you want to admit it. You need to leave.

CallmeAngelina · 15/09/2019 21:15

What do your family and friends think about him?

0lga · 15/09/2019 21:33

We spoke about children and he said he doesn't want children until he gets married because he would be ready to be a dad then and if not he would wait a bit longer and I agreed with him

I really hope this is a troll because NO ONE could be this naive.

It will NEVER be safe to have children with him. NEVER.

He hit a stranger in the pub because he thought he was taking about him . How will he cope with REAL stress, like dealing with a crying baby He is sleep deprived ? Or coping with a tantrum toddler.

It’s your choice to stay and mess up your own life, if that’s what you want. But it would be very selfish and cruel to put a defenceless child at risk.

So you know how easily a baby can get brain damage from shaking ? What a punch from a man can do to a toddler?

You will end up with your childcare taken into care. Or worse.

Unknownanon · 15/09/2019 21:45

Do not inflict this shit on children. You already modify your behaviour walking on eggshells, it's totally out of order to put a child knowingly in that situation.

Add to that severe sleep deprivation and stress and your partner would be a ticking time bomb for you and the baby. He's bad enough already.

Original poster

Natenywolf · 16/09/2019 06:59

My family and friends don't know about his anger because he doesn't see my friends and family often.

OP posts:

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