anyone awake? Please chat with me for an hour

[WLmum]

Hello, is anyone awake and willing to chat with me about anything at all.
I'm waiting for daybreak, and then for school drop off time, so I can go and be with my truly amazing, so loved dm while she passes away. I am heartbroken. Been awake most of the night wondering if she's going to hold on long enough for me to with her.

Anyone else up? Tell me what you're up for and help me pass the time. Please.

To all the amazing people who commented on this thread, kept me company and sent me love. A huge heartfelt thank you. And an update if anyone is checking back.

We had the funeral on Monday. It was a really rough day but all perfect for her. The coffin was so beautiful, my dds has decorated it with tissue paper grass, sky, flowers and sheep. The decorating was initially really harrowing for me - seeing the actual coffin - but once they got started it got easier and we left it transformed from a plain box to one wrapped in love.

So many people came to the funeral, the service, dbs, dh and I were pall bearers. The service was conducted by an old friend and again was so personal and full of love and admiration.
The funeral and burial was at a natural nature reserve site, so the ceremony was in a glass pavilion and we could all look out to the fields and trees.
The coffin was taken across the fields by a horse drawn cart, dds climbed up and sat beside the coffin. We all threw in rose petals for love, and rosemary for remembrance.
Dm is buried under some young trees which we will watch grow and mature, nourished by her, for many years to come.
Lots of people to a lovely pub afterwards, tears but also lots of smiles and laughs as we remembered her. People stayed for hours, the food was lovely.

I'm so sad that I can't talk to her about to - all the details she would have been interested in. I liken my grief to a huge hole. So big to start with you can't see round it. But gradually, bit by bit, the sides fill in so you can see to the other side, and eventually only the core will remain. It will never leave me, but I'll be able to live to day largely in impeded by it. In time.
I know we have so many heart breaking times ahead - Xmas, birthdays, events, but I'm prepared to let the grief surface, to share it with those close and also feeling it, and to support each other to get to the other side and focus on the good as she would have wanted.

Thank you all again, lots of love. You are all amazing and have helped me more then you'll ever know. Xxx

It sounds like you were able to give your Mum a wonderful send off. In time this too will bring you much comfort.

My own mum was terrified of dying and the whole process was terribly sad and hard. Her send off was beautiful too and brought some comfort to me.

In time your lovely memories will fill in that hole a little. Cherish those memories xx

Oh my goodness @WLmum that sounds like a wonderful send off for your wonderful mum. Just perfect. The involvement you DC had with the arrangements will help them tremendously with dealing with their grief.
I've heard grief described as having all that love in your heart with nowhere for it to go. You clearly had a huge amount of love for your mum hence the enormity of the grief you're feeling.
We'll all still be here for you if you need a handhold and a hug anytime.
Sending love to you all xxx

That sounds like such a lovely send off for your Mum. Especially love how involved your dds were which must of helped them process the loss of their grandmother.
Allow yourself time to grief don't feel you have to always be strong or put on a brave face.
Wishing you all the very best.