I am way too old for show and fucking tell!

[PomBearWithAnOFRS]

So, having started a new job last month, I have to go to the regional offices next week, for a two day induction.
Apparently I have to "bring along a personal item that is important to me, to share with the group" REALLY?
What should I take? Bottle of gin? Tena Lady? My knitting? Will I have to do a "presentation" type thing do you think?

Mooncup.

What you need to do is pick up a pebble then tell an entire story which is only vaguely related to the object, bonus points if you can describe all the pebbles you didn't choose, when whoever is running the session tries to gently move on you must shout "Wait, I'm not done" and start talking about something else, keep doing this until they have no choice but to actually tell you to stop talking. You then have to tell them that was really rude and act super offended.

They will never ask you to do show and tell again.

autumnboys, I love your suggestion :-).

I remember having to do this on training courses, it was used as an ice breaker so that we could get to know each other better. What the hell for, I would never meet 90% of them ever again.

I love your ideas
I could take Sydney Tuna, (yes, tis I, Pombear) if DD will trust me with him. I could tell the story of that Christmas and the thread and everything, so could waffle for AGES and possibly see if there are any other MNers there.
And I do have a box with the cat's ashes in it.
I also have a human wisdom tooth on an earring ( my XH's )
My brain is whirring now - so many possibilities...
Will probably just show one of my tattoos off though, or take something I knitted - I do little animals and Christmas decorations that would do.

I could take Sydney Tuna, (yes, tis I, Pombear) if DD will trust me with him. I could tell the story of that Christmas and the thread and everything, so could waffle for AGES and possibly see if there are any other MNers there.

That was a fabulous thread

Christ. Our manager once introduced us playing Monopoly as an incentive and I thought that was a stupid idea (we are partly sales based, it was never going to go well...)

I would find something really creepy but vintage that you can pretend is a family heirloom. Like a pickled appendix which originally belonged to great uncle Larry.

Draw a face on a carrot or a potato and take it along as a "pet" be completely serious when you talk about it and look puzzled if anyone suggests it's a vegetable

What was the gist of the Sydney tuna thread?

The most recent Privacy Legislation or statutory employment code of conduct that will ( somewhere) have a section about respecting the privacy of individuals and the necessary separation of personal lives and work life. That's an important personal item as it probably includes terms that indicate invasions of personal privacy required by work ( like this) are not on.

Failing that, take your toothbrush.

I’d be taking my home made toffee. Everybody would be glued up for a while eliminating the need for any discussion.

I'd take a giant dilfo and state that it's important to you as activities like this make me want to shout "go fuck yourself" and then sit down

Oo, there's a thought @cakesandpotato - we have two pet rocks...
@joaniecash the link to the Tuna thread is on this one where the poster put "Family Tuna" it's in classics on about page 4 or 5.

Oh God I'd die. I gave a massive collection of occult antiques. I'd take in my human femur spirit whisk. But then that's how I react to puerile exercises like this.
That would shut them up for sure.

Borrow a set of bagpipes. As soon as they see them and you explain you'd always wanted to learn, you're delighted this new place has a staffroom where you can practice every morning from 7.30 for an hour and you're going to teach yourself using videos from YOUTUBE rather than waste money on tuition, they'll say 'thank you - NEXT!'

I love the middle finger suggestion

Take your dog, cat, fish , Guinea-Pig. It’ll be of some comfort when the rest of the day turns into the nightmare that you know it will become.

Take a box with a small felt or fabric doll, some large pins, a series of small circular pieces of plain felt/fabric and some felt tipped pens. Explain how you use the felt tipped pens and felt circles to ‘personalise’ the doll, depending on who is currently pissing you off.
Emphasise that it’s “just a bit of fun, really, but you do find using it is a great for destressing after a difficult day at work”.

I taught myself to do a couple of card tricks for exactly this type of thing. You can say something generic about how you taught yourself to do it and hopefully the focus will end up on the trick and not you!

Something made of china that is already broken in three but you wrap it up in tissue and bubble wrap and before you unwrap and present it, explain how precious it is and how you don't normally take it out of your home...……..

I would do that thing where you pretend to look for it in your pocket and then bring the middle finger out
^This. Or the dildo and "go fuck yourselves". Both brilliant suggestions.
Failing that could you get a trusted friend to dress up in a gimp outfit and bring them in on a dog lead. Just have them act like a footrest until it's your turn to speak. Then bring out a book and don't mention the gimp at all.

I'd def take the cats ashes. Silently take it out and place it on the table and give them all a cold, hard stare.

"This is all I have left of Mr Fluffy".

"I have bought his ashes along to remind you that we are all hurtling to our demise and life is too short to be asked to bring some random shit along to a "show and tell" and waste everyone's time by having to show this to you all".

"Also here's a couple of Xmas tree baubles with reindeer fucking on them that I knitted, bloody love knitting me"

A ventriloquist puppet, one with anger management issues

You could take your blankie.

OR - get some liver from the butchers and say it's your placenta and you've been dying to show it off.