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Original poster

I’m going to have to tell her straight aren’t I?

450 replies

PinkBlossomTrees · 06/09/2019 10:33

This situation is quite complicated but I will try to explain briefly.

My oldest best friend who I used to go to school with has a DD the same age as mine. They live close by and the girls went through nursery and school together.

In year 3 her DD started bullying my DD. My DD didn’t tell me for 2 years. I took it straight to the head when I found out and parents were called in. My friend was unhappy I went to the school and not her. DD moved classes on her request and had a happy final year at school.

The girls are now both in year 9 at different schools. Me and my friend have rekindled our friendship, it’s not the same as before but we are friends. Our DDs have nothing to do with each other but we’ve moved on it’s all in the past.

During the holidays my friend said her DD may possibly need my help with something (to do with my job) and would I possibly be prepared to help her out and if so how much would I charge. I ran it past my DD first and she said she had no problem with it. So I said to my friend that should be fine and I wouldn’t charge.

My friend came back to me and said her DD does need my help and can I go round to theirs on Sunday, it’s all been arranged.

I mentioned to DD last night that I was helping her out Sunday. She’s said she’s not happy about it anymore as friends DD this week has been getting on a different school bus (same stop as my DD) and the name calling has started again and she’s shown me messages from her on Instagram calling her a “fat cunt” and saying how she should go to weight watchers.

After seeing this I have absolutely no intention of helping her out but need to let her Mum know but I have no idea what to say.
If it was you, would you make up a excuse or tell the mum straight the reason why?

I have no idea what to say.

OP posts:
Timandra · 06/09/2019 12:05

As the other mother is still your friend, I would want to support her with managing this horrible situation.

I would go round willing to help. I'd show the mother and daughter the screenshots together and ask them to tell you how this can be resolved.

If you just withdraw the help and the friendship, you make yourself the bad guy. Assume that the mother knows nothing about it and will want to do the right thing. It's probably the best way to stop the bullying.

I wouldn't fall out with a parent about something their child has done unless I was sure that they condoned it.

shearwater · 06/09/2019 12:05

I wouldn't screenshot and send her a text initially, I'd call her and tell her why you won't be helping. Offer to send the screenshot if she needs to see it.

Grandmi · 06/09/2019 12:06

I agree with Miranda....why is it inappropriate Candy lebonbon ? The problem nowadays is that people and schools pussyfoot round bullies!! They should be dealt with head on !!

Scrumptiousbears · 06/09/2019 12:07

I agree that as your friend got upset you not letting her know directly last time then you need to go to her this time.

FFS kids can be so horrible. I doubt her DD with ever learn.

Bluntness100 · 06/09/2019 12:08

I'd screenshot it and send it, because the daughter will deny it. And yes, as pps said, you need to be honest. She needs to know what her kid is doing and no you can't go and help her.

Justme1234567 · 06/09/2019 12:09

I think you should go round, if not on the day, before that, and talk to the mum and show her, so the situation can be sorted out there and then, because if you do it over messaging you won’t know how the mum is dealing with it, and she may start to get bullied again.

Bluntness100 · 06/09/2019 12:10

I would go round willing to help

Please don't do this, the message it sends to your daughter about your support for her and acceptance of bullying is horrific. The poster is worried you'll be the bad guy, but I assume you know it's not about you it's about your child.

sweetiepie1979 · 06/09/2019 12:12

Send the screen shots say you won’t be helping ... it’s obvious why. Going round and showing them both the screen shots at the same time is inflammatory just send them to the Mother. Good luck

Sagradafamiliar · 06/09/2019 12:12

You don't even need words. She'd be deluded to think you'd help in any way after seeing that screenshot.

sweetiepie1979 · 06/09/2019 12:12

Oh and don’t be suggesting a therapist!! Let the parent sort that out x

Chathamhouserules · 06/09/2019 12:13

Go round and talk to your friend with a copy of the message. I wouldn't be angry with my friend, she'll probably be gutted.
Don't help though.

BobbyPuck · 06/09/2019 12:13

What an awful child. The mum needs to know but I doubt she will take it well.

Dljlr · 06/09/2019 12:13

Wow, that's foul. If your friend is defensive you should end your relationship with her. Her daughter is a bully.

justasking111 · 06/09/2019 12:15

This child may well be bullying others. I too would show this to the school. As for the mother well she may well be defensive as a mother I knew. Her DS grew up to be an awful adult. He actually got kicked out of public school, then wound up in prison for dealing drugs.

Send the screen shot to the mother see where the cards fall. Inform the police your daughter needs to be safe on her school journey. They will take it seriously.

Starlive23 · 06/09/2019 12:17

My blood boiled for you when I read your post OP, I think you have been very diplomatic agreeing to help but not a chance now. I wholeheartedly agree with PP, screenshot and send to your friend. See what she has to say about that.

Hecateh · 06/09/2019 12:20

Maybe the other girl's mum has told her that you are going to help her and the girl doesn't want this help and this is her, totally misguided, way of ensuring it doesn't happen.
It is still bullying and definitely needs confronting but it's the only reason I can think that she has suddenly started up again at this time.

zippey · 06/09/2019 12:20

If she is a friend I would speak to her. Yes get screenshots and speak to your friend about saying something to her daughter.

Let her know if she keeps up the bullying then your next stop will be the school and possibly police. And that you’re unable to help in this instance.

CandyLeBonBon · 06/09/2019 12:28

@Grandmi it is inappropriate to go round to a young person, corner them, get them on their own and act in an intimidating manner. It would raise all sorts of safeguarding questions, no to mention the fact that without witnesses the friend's daughter could (and possibly would) state all sorts of untruths about what transpired in that room alone that could get the OP into all sort of trouble. If the daughter is the vindictive type, which seems entirely possible, why on EARTH would anyone put themselves in tjat position?

CandyLeBonBon · 06/09/2019 12:29

@TailsoftheManyPaws and @Juells - tje op has verified it is from a valid account and isn't from her DD.

darkcloudsandsunnyskies · 06/09/2019 12:30

Send her something very similar to the post on here. You both appear very balanced. Find out the other side of the story.

Children who behave like this may have serious issues as it seems like she is lashing out at others due to her own inner feelings of self hate. We all build walls around us.

CandyLeBonBon · 06/09/2019 12:31

There are ways of tackling this head on without a) being abusive yourself which makes you no better than the bully and b) putting yourself in a position of weakness where your actions could be used against you.

HouseworkAvoider10 · 06/09/2019 12:33

screen shot it all and send it on to the mother.
tell her you can't help anymore.
end of friendship.

BowiesJumper · 06/09/2019 12:33

Urg, she sounds a horror. I'd show the mum the screenshots but also say if it doesn't stop (along with the name calling at the bus stop) you'll be forced to take it further.

This may help you if it does escalate online (which I hope it doesn't).

www.bullying.co.uk/cyberbullying/what-is-cyberbullying/

darkcloudsandsunnyskies · 06/09/2019 12:34

Some of the posts on here are reactionary. That does not solve anything it merely reinforces the behavioural problems.

Always be kind. Do not respond to violence with violence.

Be the peacemaker.

Tableclothing · 06/09/2019 12:37

The mother has the right to know about her daughter's behaviour, and be given the opportunity to address it.

Going round and talking to the daughter on her own, without telling the mother first, will create bad feeling and a lot more unnecessary drama. The daughter needs to learn that she shouldn't behave that way because it is horrible, not because someone bigger will come and make you scared if you do. There's a difference between understanding that something is morally wrong and just fearing an unpleasant consequence. The bully doesn't have an emotional connection with OP - her own mother being disappointed and upset with her is likely to be much more memorable.

What Hystery said, basically.