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Original poster

I’m going to have to tell her straight aren’t I?

450 replies

PinkBlossomTrees · 06/09/2019 10:33

This situation is quite complicated but I will try to explain briefly.

My oldest best friend who I used to go to school with has a DD the same age as mine. They live close by and the girls went through nursery and school together.

In year 3 her DD started bullying my DD. My DD didn’t tell me for 2 years. I took it straight to the head when I found out and parents were called in. My friend was unhappy I went to the school and not her. DD moved classes on her request and had a happy final year at school.

The girls are now both in year 9 at different schools. Me and my friend have rekindled our friendship, it’s not the same as before but we are friends. Our DDs have nothing to do with each other but we’ve moved on it’s all in the past.

During the holidays my friend said her DD may possibly need my help with something (to do with my job) and would I possibly be prepared to help her out and if so how much would I charge. I ran it past my DD first and she said she had no problem with it. So I said to my friend that should be fine and I wouldn’t charge.

My friend came back to me and said her DD does need my help and can I go round to theirs on Sunday, it’s all been arranged.

I mentioned to DD last night that I was helping her out Sunday. She’s said she’s not happy about it anymore as friends DD this week has been getting on a different school bus (same stop as my DD) and the name calling has started again and she’s shown me messages from her on Instagram calling her a “fat cunt” and saying how she should go to weight watchers.

After seeing this I have absolutely no intention of helping her out but need to let her Mum know but I have no idea what to say.
If it was you, would you make up a excuse or tell the mum straight the reason why?

I have no idea what to say.

OP posts:
Witchofzog · 06/09/2019 13:10

Have you sent it op?

ShadyLady53 · 06/09/2019 13:10

I would go round on Sunday, pull out the screenshots and state, in front of her mum, that you would like an explanation for these messages to your daughter. Make her uncomfrotable, make her feel a little shame, and then allow her mum to deal with her (horrible) child.

Yes this. Texting in advance gives an opportunity for damage limitation and excuses to be made. I would turn up as you’ve arranged and whip out the phone so you can see her face when she realises the shit has hit the fan and deal with it there and then. Let her know, in person, that you will not be helping her for what she’s done to your daughter and that she’s lucky you are giving her mum a chance to deal with her because next time it will be the police. Disgusting madam. Your poor daughter Flowers.

Gruzinkerbell1 · 06/09/2019 13:11

What HysteryMystery said. Screenshot, simple message saying it is no longer appropriate for you to help.

Then leave her horrid daughter to rot.

Tooner · 06/09/2019 13:15

Definitely do it face to face with the daughter and mother, no time for the daughter to think of how to squirm her out of it.

'Seeing as how this is the way you said you wished I had handled it the last time your daughter bullied my daughter I want to show you this message your daughter has sent mine'

MedalMedalMedal · 06/09/2019 13:17

I agree with others saying bad idea to confront the girl privately. Apart from not being the right approach, it could very well backfire and be used against you.

Before you know it you’d be defending your own actions and the bully will be the victim in all this.

KatherineJaneway · 06/09/2019 13:18

Send a screenshot and a message saying 'After this / these messages I will not be helping your DD.'

flouncyfanny · 06/09/2019 13:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Blatherskite · 06/09/2019 13:23

I think @HysteryMystery nailed it in the first post to be honest.

No confrontation, no drama, no embarrassing your friend by being there when she finds out which could lead to her being angry at you - just a clear explanation as to why you won't be helping.

Greenpeacefriendforlife · 06/09/2019 13:24

Op you need to also face up to the fact she friendship is over.
It is going to be all but impossible to continue a friendship with of this child. She will always want to defend her dd, because she is her mother, and you are always going to need to protect your dd.

You are in fact compromising your dd by staying in touch with this woman, because her dd sees yours as fair game.

Send the screen shots, cancel Sunday. Ask her to deal with this once and for all. Distance yourself from the whole family.

This is never going to stop until you do ( this is not your fault, but don’t let such toxic people stay in your life) yes it was the child and not the mother, but they come as package

Greenpeacefriendforlife · 06/09/2019 13:25

With the mother of this child

LoveB · 06/09/2019 13:29

How horrible. Definitely tell the truth.

Juells · 06/09/2019 13:30

...and let us know what happens as we're all heavily invested in this now

Drogosnextwife · 06/09/2019 13:32

I agree you should turn up as arranged on Sunday. Less time for them to make excuses.

ElizaPancakes · 06/09/2019 13:34

I agree with those that say if it’s not too much hassle, to keep the appointment at their home purely to show them the screenshots.

If you don’t want to (and I wouldn’t blame you at all if you don’t) then at least send them and cancel.

Original poster
PinkBlossomTrees · 06/09/2019 13:37

my DD has sent me the screenshot (She screenshot it last night and I asked DD to block her) and is happy for me to forward them onto her mum.

I’ve sent it and said “after seeing these messages sent to my DD, i feel it’s no longer appropriate I help ..... on Sunday.

I’ve gone with that rather than “I’m not sure it’s appropriate” as I didn’t want it to be misunderstood for “I’m not sure about helping” IYSWIM.

OP posts:
Span1elsRock · 06/09/2019 13:38

That's a good message OP.

justthecat · 06/09/2019 13:38

Good for you op

chickenyhead · 06/09/2019 13:40

@PinkBlossomTrees

Yes, it leaves the topic closed rather than welcoming challenge.

I prefer the non confrontational approach. For me going in to someones house to give such a message goes beyond assertiveness in to aggression.

Strap yourself in, it is about to get rocky. Just keep unemotional

M3lon · 06/09/2019 13:40

yay - a unanimous thread!

TheWitchCirce · 06/09/2019 13:41

I hope that she is absolutely horrified! (By her daughters' behaviour - not yours)

dollydaydream114 · 06/09/2019 13:41

You've done the right thing, OP.

Apart from the plans you had to help your friend's DD, last time her DD was involved in bullying, your friend was annoyed that you didn't tell her. This time, you've told her - so she has absolutely no grounds to be angry with you. You've done what she asked. The only person she should be angry with is her own DD.

QueenofallIsee · 06/09/2019 13:41

Good for you OP!

saffy1234 · 06/09/2019 13:41

This girl sounds horrific
I wonder where she has learned this vile behaviour from?

SuperSara · 06/09/2019 13:43

Well done @PinkBlossomTrees

vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 06/09/2019 13:43

I'd be so embarrassed if I got a message like that about one of my kids.

Good for you.