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Original poster

I’m going to have to tell her straight aren’t I?

450 replies

PinkBlossomTrees · 06/09/2019 10:33

This situation is quite complicated but I will try to explain briefly.

My oldest best friend who I used to go to school with has a DD the same age as mine. They live close by and the girls went through nursery and school together.

In year 3 her DD started bullying my DD. My DD didn’t tell me for 2 years. I took it straight to the head when I found out and parents were called in. My friend was unhappy I went to the school and not her. DD moved classes on her request and had a happy final year at school.

The girls are now both in year 9 at different schools. Me and my friend have rekindled our friendship, it’s not the same as before but we are friends. Our DDs have nothing to do with each other but we’ve moved on it’s all in the past.

During the holidays my friend said her DD may possibly need my help with something (to do with my job) and would I possibly be prepared to help her out and if so how much would I charge. I ran it past my DD first and she said she had no problem with it. So I said to my friend that should be fine and I wouldn’t charge.

My friend came back to me and said her DD does need my help and can I go round to theirs on Sunday, it’s all been arranged.

I mentioned to DD last night that I was helping her out Sunday. She’s said she’s not happy about it anymore as friends DD this week has been getting on a different school bus (same stop as my DD) and the name calling has started again and she’s shown me messages from her on Instagram calling her a “fat cunt” and saying how she should go to weight watchers.

After seeing this I have absolutely no intention of helping her out but need to let her Mum know but I have no idea what to say.
If it was you, would you make up a excuse or tell the mum straight the reason why?

I have no idea what to say.

OP posts:
iknowimcoming · 06/09/2019 11:32

Actually I'm with Miranda - apart from the 'on her own' bit. I'd be inclined to turn up as planned with the screenshots and ask her to explain herself in front of her mum and then watch her squirm. She sounds like a right piece of work!

SoupDragon · 06/09/2019 11:33

I agree with those suggesting you take a screen shot and send it to the mother saying that you won't be helping.

Goingonagondola · 06/09/2019 11:33

Send the screenshots or she won't believe you. People find it hard to believe bad things about their kids, but the screenshots don't lie. I'd totally understand - and be devastated - if someone wanted to cancel because my child had said such awful things.

littlepaddypaws · 06/09/2019 11:33

mirandagoshawk i'm concerned for your style of thinking, i really am.

Jumblebee · 06/09/2019 11:34

I would absolutely be sending the screenshots to her mum and telling her exactly what I thought of her bullying daughter.

And depending on how the mum reacted, ending the friendship with her for good. If she doesn't see the severity of what her daughter is doing, and gives you a hard time about not helping her daughter then she sounds like a user and you'd be better off without her in your life.

thenightsky · 06/09/2019 11:34

Another vote for turning up on Sunday and showing the messages to the girl and asking for her explanation... but in front of her mum.

CandyLeBonBon · 06/09/2019 11:39

It was the 'in a room on her own' but I took issue with. This isn't Guantanamo Bay!

MyOtherProfile · 06/09/2019 11:40

That could be very uncomfortable for the OP if the mum doesn't back her. I would send them to mum and say that of course this means dd is unhappy about you helping now.

CandyLeBonBon · 06/09/2019 11:40

Sorry 'on her own'

clucky3 · 06/09/2019 11:40

*Definitely tell her you are no longer prepared to help her DD & tell her if this continues you’ll be taking it up with the school again

I’d also mention that until this started up again, my DD has been happy for me to help her DD despite the previous bullying

What a nasty brat*

This. I hope your DD is okay

TheSerenDipitY · 06/09/2019 11:41

i would be ending that friendship.... that kid is getting it from somewhere.... shes had a while now to get her on track but shes still being a little cunt... so?

SoupDragon · 06/09/2019 11:42

This isn't Guantanamo Bay!

She didn't suggest waterboarding her til she confesses.

Presumably she would be in a room with her alone to do whatever she said she would help with.

mbosnz · 06/09/2019 11:45

I would send the screenshots to the mother and tell her that her daughter is an even sillier young lady than she appears if she thinks I'll be helping her out in any way, shape or form after her recommencing her bullying behaviour of my daughter.

I would be informing her that I would be telling the school about the online bullying, and if there is any further bullying behaviour, I will also be taking it to the police, given that her actions are actually criminal.

So she might want to have a really good go at getting it through to her daughter that she must never behave in such a manner again - at least to my daughter. And that she'd better sure as all get out stay the hell away from my daughter. And that goes for her daughter's little flying monkeys too.

PepsiLola · 06/09/2019 11:49

Agreed, this isn't you letting your friend down, this is her daughter letting her down.

Screen shot and say you won't be helping her.

powershowerforanhour · 06/09/2019 11:51

Does your friends DD know you were going to come and help her ? It seems outlandish behaviour to start being abusive to your DD if she did.

Some people like pushing the self destruct button. Like the scorpion stinging the horse on the river crossing- it's in her nature.

Screenshot and just say you're not coming. Don't dolly it up with "sorry but" or "I'm not sure that" it's appropriate. You know it isn't. You're not sorry (I hope).

No second chances. The other child might be socially fucked up but she's not your problem to fix.

Soola · 06/09/2019 11:51

@iknowimcoming that is exactly what I would do!

Turn up and then show the mother the screenshots in front of the girl and ask why has she done this?

handslikecowstits · 06/09/2019 11:52

I agree with the other posts but I would add that you should be prepared for the daughter to lie to her mother about the origin of the posts - fake profile, friend posted on her behalf etc.

Definitely don't expect the daughter to come clean about this.

TailsoftheManyPaws · 06/09/2019 11:53

Hmm, I’m with Juells here on the timing. At least let your dd know what you plan to do, then if she has had any hand in creating the messages herself she has a chance to backtrack.

contrary13 · 06/09/2019 11:54

If it were me, then I'd be telling the mum in a "just so you know, this is why I'm no longer prepared to help your daughter, and why I will be taking the online bullying up with the school" way. That way, she can't claim that you didn't go to her first/give her an opportunity to inform her horrible child that the police and senior school headteachers aren't so lenient concerning online bullying any more. In fact... she could even end up sat in a police cell if she continues. One of my 14 year old's friends was arrested for online bullying, via Instagram, of a girl in their year. Her parents went to the head about it, and the police ended up giving him the shock of his life - and from what my son and their other friends say, it wasn't sexual in nature, but certainly body-shaming which landed him in a cell and spoken to under caution.

If your friend cannot believe that her daughter is capable of such behaviour now, then there's no hope for her - because I'm willing to bet that it's not just your daughter she's bullying. It's horrifically easy to hide behind social media and hurl nasty comments about - but for a teenager, being body-shamed by anyone can cause horrendous MH issues (eating disorders, etc.). Thankfully, your daughter now talks to you about people being nasty to her... but what if she didn't?

ChuckleBuckles · 06/09/2019 11:55

Does your friends DD know you were going to come and help her ? It seems outlandish behaviour to start being abusive to your DD if she did

It just seems like another element of bullying behaviour to me, designed to isolate the OP DD as her own mum is helping this obnoxious brat. This behaviour seems especially cruel in light of how long it took the OP DD to have the courage to reveal the bullying previously.

gamerchick · 06/09/2019 11:57

Just to echo.

Screen shots, send to mother taking back the help with the added note of if this continues you'll be getting the police involved. Police believe it or not take this shit extremely seriously and will turn up on her doorstep.

BrokenWing · 06/09/2019 11:59

At the first instance of bullying I agree partly with your friend. As an oldest best friend I would have talked to them first before going to the school, assuming they will be mortified at their dds behavior, but I would have still went to the school for support.

For this one, I would screen shot and send to friend and tell them to give you a call when they are free. Then tell them you obviously are not in the mood to do their dd any favours right now.

How did she react the last time to the bullying?

HaileySherman · 06/09/2019 11:59

I think HysteryMystery nailed it exactly. Too bad your friend's daughter hasn't grown as a person since year 3.

Drum2018 · 06/09/2019 12:01

Best to take screenshots of a few of her instagram posts/photos before she blocks your dd (which is likely once you tell your friend) so that the little bitch cannot pretend it must have been a fake account.

YouJustDoYou · 06/09/2019 12:01

Send screenshots. "Due to your daughter sending these messages to mine, I will not now nor ever be helping her. I do suggest however she does need help - a good child therapist. Her behaviour is destructively nasty, and worrying. If she contacts my daughter again, we will be taking these screen shots, and any further messages, directly to the police".