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Original poster

I’m going to have to tell her straight aren’t I?

450 replies

PinkBlossomTrees · 06/09/2019 10:33

This situation is quite complicated but I will try to explain briefly.

My oldest best friend who I used to go to school with has a DD the same age as mine. They live close by and the girls went through nursery and school together.

In year 3 her DD started bullying my DD. My DD didn’t tell me for 2 years. I took it straight to the head when I found out and parents were called in. My friend was unhappy I went to the school and not her. DD moved classes on her request and had a happy final year at school.

The girls are now both in year 9 at different schools. Me and my friend have rekindled our friendship, it’s not the same as before but we are friends. Our DDs have nothing to do with each other but we’ve moved on it’s all in the past.

During the holidays my friend said her DD may possibly need my help with something (to do with my job) and would I possibly be prepared to help her out and if so how much would I charge. I ran it past my DD first and she said she had no problem with it. So I said to my friend that should be fine and I wouldn’t charge.

My friend came back to me and said her DD does need my help and can I go round to theirs on Sunday, it’s all been arranged.

I mentioned to DD last night that I was helping her out Sunday. She’s said she’s not happy about it anymore as friends DD this week has been getting on a different school bus (same stop as my DD) and the name calling has started again and she’s shown me messages from her on Instagram calling her a “fat cunt” and saying how she should go to weight watchers.

After seeing this I have absolutely no intention of helping her out but need to let her Mum know but I have no idea what to say.
If it was you, would you make up a excuse or tell the mum straight the reason why?

I have no idea what to say.

OP posts:
Breastfeedingworries · 06/09/2019 10:52

100 percent show the messages, how awful your dd had to move classes ect and it’s started up again. Disgusting behaviour id be so ashamed as a parent if my dd was a bully. 🤬

It’s a huge failing on your friends side. She hasn’t taught respect, kindness or empathy.
Even though your friends again I’d be straight with her.

AmIThough · 06/09/2019 10:52

Tell her.
She was upset that you didn't last time and she needs to know you're not prepared to put her child ahead of yours.

MissRabbitNeedsAHoliday · 06/09/2019 10:53

Screenshot the messages and tell her you are no longer able or willing to help. Her DD sounds cruel. It will most likely end your friendship but for your dds sake that's probably for the best.

DonPablo · 06/09/2019 10:54

First reply has it for me! Smed the screenshot! Tell her it's not appropriate for you to help in light of this. And tell her that her dd needs to stay away from yours.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 06/09/2019 10:54

I'd tell her straight and show her the messages

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 06/09/2019 10:55

Screenshot.
"I'm not sure it would be appropriate for me to come round on Sunday."

This is perfect. Makes it clear it's her DDs fault, not you dropping out, and doesn't invite response.

weekfour · 06/09/2019 10:56

Yep. Screenshot the message.

Then tell us what happened...

Sorry, that's a bit insensitive. I hope your DD is OK. I'm glad she felt able to tell you about it considering she kept quiet last time. You must have a good relationship.

Still want an update though.

MyOtherProfile · 06/09/2019 10:56

I agree to send the screen shot. Don't make it a battle between you and your friend yet though - she may well be totally oblivious and need time to process and deal with her child. If she won't take any responsibility that's a different matter.

JonesyK · 06/09/2019 10:56

Kids are assholes sometimes
Definitely send her screenshots of the messages and say you can't help because her daughter is a total bitch

madcatladyforever · 06/09/2019 10:58

Tell her straight and tell her your friendship is over. She needs to sort her daughter out and as soon as possible.

Juells · 06/09/2019 11:13

I find it odd that the bullying starts up again just as you're about to start helping the daughter with something.

I have a suspicious mind, so I'd entertain for a few minutes the thought that the instagram post might have been made by your own daughter, to sabotage your helping of the other girl. Outlandish, but teenagers do odd things. I don't for a minute think that's what's happened, but I'd double and triple check. Why has your daughter not blocked the other girl on all social media?

Dementornator · 06/09/2019 11:14

Screen shot and send to your friend, explains that is the reason you will not help. You then need to follow up and find out what she is doing about it. This kind of behaviour should not be tolerated and can get very bad, very quickly

Breathlessness · 06/09/2019 11:18

Show her the messages and tell her that’s why you won’t be helping her DD now or in the future.

Mabelface · 06/09/2019 11:19

Screenshot, send and say you're not willing to help now. You don't need to say any more than that.

Span1elsRock · 06/09/2019 11:19

Screen shot the messages, send and say "I am sure you will appreciate why I am no longer in a position to help your DD after this".

And walk away. Her DD is a bully. Your own DD comes first.

tommycockles · 06/09/2019 11:22

If you screen shot the messages maybe her mum can put a stop to the behaviour.

OhLookHeKickedTheBall · 06/09/2019 11:22

At the risk of this becoming another Cancel the Cheque, I agree with everyone else that you need to send her the screen shots and simply say its no longer appropriate for you to help her DD out. And like other PPs have said, make sure the school are aware too in case of escalation.

IncrediblySadToo · 06/09/2019 11:22

Definitely tell her you are no longer prepared to help her DD & tell her if this continues you’ll be taking it up with the school again

I’d also mention that until this started up again, my DD has been happy for me to help her DD despite the previous bullying

What a nasty brat

MirandaGoshawk · 06/09/2019 11:22

Hmm, I would deal with it differently - I would go. I would want to get the DD on her own and show her the screenshot and then ask what she has to say! She would be stuck alone in a room with me and have no option but to talk about it. THEN I would take her to her DM and get her to confess/justify her actions to her DM.

TimeForNewStart · 06/09/2019 11:23

Seriously?!

LittleMsM · 06/09/2019 11:24

Forget whether you're going to help with the project or not. Thank your daughter for telling you! Talk to this mum, first about this news and see what she will do to change this from happening - either making her daughter get the other bus, (most likely to work) or stopping her (I don't see how though). Depending on what she is prepared to do - then go from there. Can your daughter block this girl on social media? Change her number? Or would this plan to 'help' her daughter be an opportunity to mediate? Do you tell her school too?

KissyThief · 06/09/2019 11:26

Show her the messages and have nothing more to do with your friend if she refuses to take her dds behaviour seriously. Your dd needs a clear message that her feelings matter and that coming to you with these problems helps sort them out.

CandyLeBonBon · 06/09/2019 11:26

MirandaGoshawk
How utterly inappropriate

Blondebakingmumma · 06/09/2019 11:27

😱 the girl doesn’t sound very bright. Calling your daughter names a few days you are due around her house!!?? Seriously 🤦‍♀️

Original poster
PinkBlossomTrees · 06/09/2019 11:31

When my daughter showed me the messages I did check that the profile was real, just to emilinate a fake account. I did wonder if someone was impersonating her. It does happen unfortunately. Hundreds of pics of her going back years and open profile.

She wasn’t blocked as they have had no contact with each other since leaving primary school, Tuesday was the first time she has had any contact with her in 3 years.

I’ve asked my DD to send me the screen shots and I will message the mum.

OP posts:
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