I’m going to have to tell her straight aren’t I?

[PinkBlossomTrees]

This situation is quite complicated but I will try to explain briefly.

My oldest best friend who I used to go to school with has a DD the same age as mine. They live close by and the girls went through nursery and school together.

In year 3 her DD started bullying my DD. My DD didn’t tell me for 2 years. I took it straight to the head when I found out and parents were called in. My friend was unhappy I went to the school and not her. DD moved classes on her request and had a happy final year at school.

The girls are now both in year 9 at different schools. Me and my friend have rekindled our friendship, it’s not the same as before but we are friends. Our DDs have nothing to do with each other but we’ve moved on it’s all in the past.

During the holidays my friend said her DD may possibly need my help with something (to do with my job) and would I possibly be prepared to help her out and if so how much would I charge. I ran it past my DD first and she said she had no problem with it. So I said to my friend that should be fine and I wouldn’t charge.

My friend came back to me and said her DD does need my help and can I go round to theirs on Sunday, it’s all been arranged.

I mentioned to DD last night that I was helping her out Sunday. She’s said she’s not happy about it anymore as friends DD this week has been getting on a different school bus (same stop as my DD) and the name calling has started again and she’s shown me messages from her on Instagram calling her a “fat cunt” and saying how she should go to weight watchers.

After seeing this I have absolutely no intention of helping her out but need to let her Mum know but I have no idea what to say.
If it was you, would you make up a excuse or tell the mum straight the reason why?

I have no idea what to say.

DD and I have been in this situation and when I finally called it out, my ‘friend’, the mother of the sweet pain, denied it and lied to my face. Our friendship ended. And that’s ok.

Show the messages to your friend, ask her to speak to her daughter in front of you.

I always think adult and child relationships should be kept separate, for the reason that the children usually fall out, then make up, leaving the parents feuding way beyond the children's argument!

The daughters behaviour is awful. But remember your friend isn't the enemy.

Take this opportunity to send the screenshots to your friend, be prepared that there may well be another side to the story, be kind, but ask your friend to deal with the unacceptable bullying.

Then be the bigger person, go ahead and help her as planned, By the sound of her behaviour, she needs all the help she can get.

Erm wghat about the first time she bullied her what was the excuse then-shes having a hard time but that doesnt excuse this

You need to show her the messages and explain your daughter is a bully and her behaviour is a disgrace and I can’t come over ...

The OP has screenshot and sent the message to her "friend"
Thread has moved on
RTFT

The reason bully-girl is having problems with her own friendship group is probably because she's bullying people in it and they're not having it.

Do NOT help her - she's fucked that now and she needs to learn a lesson in life that if you do wrong you are not rewarded for it.

She needs to pay for it, and you need to lead by strong example to your DD.

As for her mother, she is your enemy - she did not apologise - she justified her daughter's appalling behaviour.

There is no friendship.

@Snowman123
Being the bigger person is a waste of time in this scenario - once a bully always a bully.

@PinkBlossomTrees In my opinion OP you have dealt with this perfectly.

And I would tell the school directly if I was you. Why not? You are absolutely right, they should take it more seriously and it shows (again) that you mean business and this type of nasty, bullying behaviour will not be tolerated.

Show her the messages definitely. Or like previous poster said screen shot the message and reply sorry no i won't be helping your daughter out

Bullies generally do have some sort of influence or trauma that has contributed to them being like they are; it's no excuse though. Her mother should be encouraging her to rally against tough times and fight to be a good person even when it feels like things are against her. A 'kids will be kids' attitude is setting her up to be a bully forever.

Your DD sounds great though, and you standing up for her even if it means losing a friendship of your own is fantastic support. We can't protect our kids from bullies, but how we show them we believe them and will defend them makes a massive difference to how they cope. A parent that scuttles off to tutor the bully could be more damaging that the unkind words of the bully on instagram.

As others have said, literally just show her. If any child of mine was using language like that on social media I would be gutted. She is likely to feel the same, and she won't blame you for no longer wanting to help.

@posterToftyAC - I had to do the same. My DD1 was bullied mercilessly by this little brat, and the parents and school both took the bully's side. I got the police involved and had to move school in the end.

I do wish that people would at least read the OP’s threads even if they cannot be arsed to read anything else.

It’s not difficult. Just highlight the OP’s posts.

😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡
READ THE EFFING THREAD.

@SunshineAngel The OP sent the screenshots yesterday.

@SunshineAngel 😡😡😡

@Bumbags Not sure people who are trying to be helpful deserve such an angry response but hey ho.

How do you just view posts from OP? I'm new, and don't know how to do it. If there's no way to do that, I'm not reading 15 pages of a thread. If people don't appreciate my response because it's late, keep scrolling, there was no need at all for that little outburst :).

@mamaofboyss 🙄🙄🙄

You don't have to reply though! Surely it's common sense if a thread is long to think "hmm things might have moved on" and either check or say nothing.

@Bumbags You are gaining nothing by tagging everyone who didn't realise they had already shown the evidence. There is no need for it. You're clogging up the thread just as much as anyone else by doing that. Not to mention being completely rude.

Bothered

@TheFatberg I didn't actually notice how many pages there were. Shall I write an official apology, get down on my knees, or accept a simple beheading for me heinous crime?

@AnnonniMoose
Pissed me right off. However, the silver lining was my DS1 went to a much better school who had a zero tolerance policy and were amazing. He was a completely different child and thrived. It also assisted in him being able to go to a much better high school, rather than the one around the corner where all the bullies were going. I just wish he hadn’t have had to go through something so traumatic at such a young age. The headteacher of his former school was asked to resign over this and a couple of other dodgy goings on 4 months later.

De-rail but: you can set your MN preferences so that they show 100 messages per page. I wish everyone did this as there's much less clicking through and only 10 pages before a thread fills up!

makes it easier to RTFFT