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Original poster

I’m going to have to tell her straight aren’t I?

450 replies

PinkBlossomTrees · 06/09/2019 10:33

This situation is quite complicated but I will try to explain briefly.

My oldest best friend who I used to go to school with has a DD the same age as mine. They live close by and the girls went through nursery and school together.

In year 3 her DD started bullying my DD. My DD didn’t tell me for 2 years. I took it straight to the head when I found out and parents were called in. My friend was unhappy I went to the school and not her. DD moved classes on her request and had a happy final year at school.

The girls are now both in year 9 at different schools. Me and my friend have rekindled our friendship, it’s not the same as before but we are friends. Our DDs have nothing to do with each other but we’ve moved on it’s all in the past.

During the holidays my friend said her DD may possibly need my help with something (to do with my job) and would I possibly be prepared to help her out and if so how much would I charge. I ran it past my DD first and she said she had no problem with it. So I said to my friend that should be fine and I wouldn’t charge.

My friend came back to me and said her DD does need my help and can I go round to theirs on Sunday, it’s all been arranged.

I mentioned to DD last night that I was helping her out Sunday. She’s said she’s not happy about it anymore as friends DD this week has been getting on a different school bus (same stop as my DD) and the name calling has started again and she’s shown me messages from her on Instagram calling her a “fat cunt” and saying how she should go to weight watchers.

After seeing this I have absolutely no intention of helping her out but need to let her Mum know but I have no idea what to say.
If it was you, would you make up a excuse or tell the mum straight the reason why?

I have no idea what to say.

OP posts:
Vanhi · 07/09/2019 09:53

We may not see many parents of bullies here because on the rare occasion we do, their threads draw out the adult bullies who rip them and their child to shreds and provide no useful advice whatsoever.

And look at some of the language used to describe the bully on this thread. Yes, she's a bully and she's badly behaved. She's also a young teenager under who knows what pressure from where. I was badly bullied at school and, 30 years later, still suffer from the consequences. In my experience almost everyone is capable of some form of bullying behaviour at some point. There are the ringleaders who start out and who I would particularly condemn but make no mistake, a lot of children and adults will join in with the crowd once the ringleader starts. So condemning this girl by calling her a little bitch, a nasty/ obnoxious brat etc. etc. just denies that most people are capable of behaving in this way in some circumstances. We like to round on bullies and reassurance ourselves that we could never do that, and in the process sometimes create a pile-on that is worse than whatever the original bully was doing.

By all means call her a bully, for that is what she is. Call out her behaviour. But the righteous pile-ons are unedifying and don't solve anything much IMO.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 07/09/2019 17:43

As she was an old friend you should have spoken with her before alerting school.
Now you have to show her the vile texts, refuse to help and accept that the friendship cannot survive her bitch daughter.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 07/09/2019 17:46

I’m sorry Vanhi but I have to disagree - calling a child a fat cu** is vile and deserves equally descriptive language to describe this girl - bully is not enough.

parentin · 07/09/2019 17:49

What MitziK said. Spot on.

Gromit78 · 07/09/2019 17:52

As someone who has worked in schools I would recommend you relate all of this information to the safeguarding team.
They will keep the information as confidential, but they can use it as evidence to offer more support to both the girls.

A crappy life situation doesn't excuse bullying. However, bullying tends to be a poor outlet to express internal issues that need to be addressed. The school may already have a large file on this girl and your evidence is another piece of the puzzle and they can work with other outside agencies to help the girl through this trauma and teach her that bullying is wrong.

Aprillygirl · 07/09/2019 17:56

Why would you be considering making an excuse? Your friend’s mum needs to know the truth so’s she can hopefully put an end to the bullying.

Tistheseason17 · 07/09/2019 17:59

Her daughter behaves like this as her mother allows her to behave like this. Her mother is a very selfish person creating another one...

You are right to take it to her school who will take it seriously knowing they are on the same bus daily.

MrsBadcrumble123 · 07/09/2019 17:59

Definitely screen shot and send to your friend but I’d also screen shot and send to the school advising that you may be speaking to the police too. Nasty little cow deserves a shock because I doubt her mum has much control and I’m sure the ‘grass’ ‘snitch’ type name calling will start once your friend has been told.

DreamTheMoors · 07/09/2019 18:03

With friends like this do you really need enemies?

DO NOT APOLOGIZE. Send her the screenshot & simply state you will NOT be assisting the daughter.

If this upsets your friend - well, she was never really your friend, was she. Wasn’t a question.

alig99 · 07/09/2019 18:04

I think you should say to the mother, her explanation is not an acceptable excuse for your DD behaviour. I no longer wish to continue our friendship. I am also going to raise this with your DD school as I am happy that their pupils actions in a public place. I am sure they will provide advice to yourself and your DD on how to conduct herself in future.

MrsBadcrumble123 · 07/09/2019 18:05

**I honestly can't see the police wanting to get involved in a schoolgirl spat

This makes my blood boil! Have you been hiding under a rock?? Online bullying is taken very seriously and rightly so! To call it a ‘school girl spat’ totally belittles the seriousness of bulling Angry

Emmas1985 · 07/09/2019 18:11

What a little bitch

Screen shot the messages/comments send them to her and say this ends here, I won’t be coming round to help your evil little cunt and I think it’s best we put some distance

TonTonMacoute · 07/09/2019 18:12

.Sadly, many other children have similar upsets in their lives and don't resort to bullying.

By your account this girl was a bully long before her current difficult situation, and is probably quite manipulative as she seems to have her mum wrapped around her little finger. However, her mother is doing her no favours by allowing her behaviour to continue unchecked.

KioreWahine · 07/09/2019 18:15

Whatever the girls circumstances she still needs to learn that actions have consequences. Can you ask what the mother plans to do?

LondonMrsA · 07/09/2019 18:19

100% this. What a vile girl!

ToftyAC · 07/09/2019 18:20

My eldest soon has been through the same OP with both the parents and school making out the bully was the victim. I told them to stick their school up their arse and moved my son. It’s shocking how much bullying is minimised. Think you’ve shown your daughter that you have her back though. What a vile pos the other child is. 🤦🏼‍♀️

99problemsandjust1appt · 07/09/2019 18:22

Been through the same kind of thing. Tell her exactly what happened and show the messages

My son aged 11 did similar. He got marched round to the persons house (after we had discussed with her how she wanted to approach this either the police or we would deal with him she said she trusted us to)
He had to apologise and we quite frankly made him feel about ‘this big’ and decided it had to be the first and last time he ever bullied anyone
We even sent him to a different high school than planned to avoid the other children who had encouraged his behaviour

Biggest and best lesson he may ever learn

99problemsandjust1appt · 07/09/2019 18:26

His ’ girlfriend’ dumped him too for being a bully after we made him also apologise for what he did on the WhatsApp group that became his platform before we took his phone

MadameButterface · 07/09/2019 18:28

Agree to let the school know. If pupils are being dicks to other people on the way to school, it’s definitely in their remit to take action.

ptumbi · 07/09/2019 18:28

So the bully has been underachieving at school academically and now (i'm assuming you are a tutor OP) has shot herself in the foot regarding help for her.

What a twat she is.

And so is the mum.

gracefull · 07/09/2019 18:29

Another one for screenshot, and a message saying you will not be helping her due to her behaviour towards your daughter.

nuxe1984 · 07/09/2019 18:31

Tell her the truth. Show her the messages.

Say that you're not going to help her and that you hope the mother explains why - actions have consequences.

I would also be tempted to report the abuse to the social media platform as they can block her account.

gettofuckthrees · 07/09/2019 18:32

I would be tempted to turn up on Sunday armed with the screenshots and ask both mum and daughter what the reasoning for asking for my help was. Hell mend them. Nasty! Your poor daughter, kids can be so cruel.

katewhinesalot · 07/09/2019 18:42

I wouldn't take it up with the school just yet, but certainly do so if it continues after this last communication.
Do you seriously think she still expects that you might come round on Sunday now she's explained that her poor dd has lots of problems so she couldn't help it?

SauvignonBlanche · 07/09/2019 18:42

What a mealy-mouthed response from your friend.