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Original poster

I’m going to have to tell her straight aren’t I?

450 replies

PinkBlossomTrees · 06/09/2019 10:33

This situation is quite complicated but I will try to explain briefly.

My oldest best friend who I used to go to school with has a DD the same age as mine. They live close by and the girls went through nursery and school together.

In year 3 her DD started bullying my DD. My DD didn’t tell me for 2 years. I took it straight to the head when I found out and parents were called in. My friend was unhappy I went to the school and not her. DD moved classes on her request and had a happy final year at school.

The girls are now both in year 9 at different schools. Me and my friend have rekindled our friendship, it’s not the same as before but we are friends. Our DDs have nothing to do with each other but we’ve moved on it’s all in the past.

During the holidays my friend said her DD may possibly need my help with something (to do with my job) and would I possibly be prepared to help her out and if so how much would I charge. I ran it past my DD first and she said she had no problem with it. So I said to my friend that should be fine and I wouldn’t charge.

My friend came back to me and said her DD does need my help and can I go round to theirs on Sunday, it’s all been arranged.

I mentioned to DD last night that I was helping her out Sunday. She’s said she’s not happy about it anymore as friends DD this week has been getting on a different school bus (same stop as my DD) and the name calling has started again and she’s shown me messages from her on Instagram calling her a “fat cunt” and saying how she should go to weight watchers.

After seeing this I have absolutely no intention of helping her out but need to let her Mum know but I have no idea what to say.
If it was you, would you make up a excuse or tell the mum straight the reason why?

I have no idea what to say.

OP posts:
OooErMissus · 06/09/2019 19:03

Read the thread @LoveMyDaughterT

TanselleTooTall · 06/09/2019 19:04

You're late to the party, LovemydaughterT.

MitziK · 06/09/2019 19:05

I think you need to send the screenshot to the child's school as well - if she's 'going through a hard time' then they can support her - and she'll be given plenty of opportunity to address her problems with schoolwork in detention/internal exclusion.

KUGA · 06/09/2019 19:05

Go around as planned.
Then when her dd appears with mom show her the txt`s then walk.

mankyfourthtoe · 06/09/2019 19:15

I'd probably let the school know what's happened as there has been a history of this but say it needs no action on their part currently unless it restarts.
That way dd can go find someone who will take her seriously.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 06/09/2019 19:42

Your DD sounds like an amazing young lady and I think you are handling things well Flowers

glitterfarts · 06/09/2019 20:10

"I'm sorry your daughter is having a hard time, however it is my daughter who is the victim here, not yours. As this was public shaming and follows the former harrassment of my daughter for a number of years, any further bullying will be reported to the police. I wish you both all the best. Please do get some professional help."

Send this. Then block.

eddielizzard · 06/09/2019 20:21

Absolutely right, ignore and block.

An actual apology would have been nice, but given both of their behaviour before it's not surprising. Friendship over.

Jellybeansincognito · 06/09/2019 20:28

The reply you received is horrendous- but don’t forget, you’re raising a well rounded daughter and she seems lovely!

Your ‘friend’ will be the one who has to deal with her daughters disgraceful behaviour for the rest of her life, she seems completely ignorant to it and it makes me wonder what else she deals with from her daughter if she is this un phased by this nasty uncalled for bullying.

You’re not going to get anywhere with her, it’s not worth your time or effort to continue.

If the bullying gets ramped up or continues, you need to report it to the relevant people.

perfectstorm · 06/09/2019 20:29

I would contact her school and share the history, the screen caps, and her mum's response. Stress that your daughter is fine and at another school, but you are gravely concerned that a vulnerable child at theirs is likely to be subjected to this as well, and that if she is indeed behaving this way from distress and stress (and I was never sure, as a child myself, that the worst bullies actually had any worse home lives than anyone else) then she needs the right tough love support and intervention. Not her mother minimising and shoving it under the carpet. That's not going to help her at all. And as the parent of a vulnerable child with additional needs, I am flinching at what she's likely to be doing to other kids at her school.

Having said that, it's not your problem or responsibility. Your child is, and she sounds like she's doing really well.

ClemDanFango · 06/09/2019 20:35

Oh fuck that for a game of laughs! That reply would fucking send steam out of my ears!

“There is absolutely no excuse for bullying, absolutely none. I will not have my daughter treated like an emotional punch bag by anyone regardless of their circumstances.
I also will not be “putting this all this behind us” and just to be clear neither will I be coming round to help on Sunday, as far as I’m concerned our friendship is over and unless this bullying stops right now I will be forwarding the screen shots to her head teacher.”

Your poor DD, I remember being bullied and it still stings to this day. Flowers

gamerchick · 06/09/2019 20:51

I honestly can't see the police wanting to get involved in a schoolgirl spat

You would be surprised. I've seen a bully crap herself when police knocked on her door over her data hell of some kid who she had targeted. She lost her internet and phone privileges for a long time over it.

OooErMissus · 06/09/2019 20:55

What did her daughter think was going to happen?

So now the tutoring has been cancelled - so she knows you know that she called your daughter a 'fat cunt'.

I mean, I would've been mortified if, as a teen, a friend's parent (or equally a parent's friend) - an adult - knew I had called their child that.

I mean, I wouldn't have done it - but assuming it was a stupid, immature, teenage fuck-up, and I had, I'd be mortified.

What is this girl thinking now?

I just don't get it.

Bouledeneige · 06/09/2019 21:33

Well whatever the bully girl is going through she is not getting the right kind of parenting from her Mum. If there are no consequences and no punishment she will continue to have friendship issues. She's a very nasty piece of work.

Well done for having such a mature daughter OP.

Out of interest, we never meet many parents on here who admit to being the parents of bullies. Or many adults in IRL who admit they were bullies when they were younger. So this is not an isolated issue. Most parents fail to recognise their own child's culpability and make excuses for them.

HouseworkAvoider10 · 07/09/2019 02:57

Forward all of this to the school. And the police.

Blondebakingmumma · 07/09/2019 05:44

How disappointing that your friend didn’t apologize! Her daughter won’t change because her mum makes excuses for her

FeeFee832 · 07/09/2019 06:17

Contact the school. Appalling behaviour and awful of the Mum not to take responsibility. I'd go off my rocker if my daughter sent that message with a hefty apology to the daughter and other mum. In fact, I'd march my daughter round and make her apologise. Then I'd find a way for her to learn her lesson... along with some compassion and kindness. Maybe a month volunteering at the old folks home! Little madam!

mintich · 07/09/2019 06:54

The police are interested in cyber bullying. My niece received lots of messages from a girl at another school. We had her mother's email address and phone number so the police called her. She didn't pick up so they emailed her asking her to contact them. When she did, she was told that if the messages didn't stop, arrests could be made. They stopped sharpish. She has had no problems since.

AvengerDanvers95 · 07/09/2019 07:00

@Bouledeneige We may not see many parents of bullies here because on the rare occasion we do, their threads draw out the adult bullies who rip them and their child to shreds and provide no useful advice whatsoever. If my child grew up to be a bully I wouldn't ask for advice here. (Mine are 5 & 2)

Elodie2019 · 07/09/2019 07:02

'Your DD's predicament is obviously worrying for you. However, her situation does not excuse her behaviour towards my daughter.
I feel that I should let you know that I will not tolerate any further incidents of this nature and will report appropriately should anything like this happen again.
I'm sure that you understand my position and I'm sorry that this has happened.'

JingsMahBucket · 07/09/2019 07:36

If anything, I’m glad to see from some other posters that at least some schools and law enforcement are starting to take bullying seriously.

YobaOljazUwaque · 07/09/2019 08:07

It's impossible to "put it behind you" when there has been no apology, no change of attitude and no suggestion that the behaviour might or even should stop. This mum needs some parenting classes as well as the daughter needing help. But that's not your problem. Ignore and block. Move on without these people in your lives.

MissEliza · 07/09/2019 08:31

Sadly the mother's response is a very typical one from parents of children who bully.
My dd had a very hard time at primary school from a girl whose parents were going through a nightmare divorce. The breaking point for me came when she'd been invited to a party in our house and she tried to get the other girls to gang up on my dd. I brought her home early and told her mum who, at that point, was a good friend. When I told the mum what had happened she said 'what do you expect, just before I dropped her off, I told her her dad was getting married to the other woman'! She literally told her in the car on the way to our house and expected everyone else to put up with the fallout from her shit parenting.

justasking111 · 07/09/2019 09:33

I knew two mothers in denial publicly anyway up until both kids expelled. One ended up in prison. Bullying can progress into crime. In both cases the other children in those families stayed out of trouble. So I think reporting to police may save them from a worse fate in the long run

BettysLeftTentacle · 07/09/2019 09:44

‘I’m sorry you feel X is having a hard time however in this instance will will not be putting this behind us. In light of this I will not be helping X out on Sunday and would rather that neither of you contact me or DD again.’

Delete. Block.

Jesus your poor DD Flowers FWIW she sounds like a very strong and level headed young lady.