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Original poster

How do I communicate my need to be left the fuck alone?

581 replies

paleandstale · 04/09/2019 15:21

Apologies, it's another MIL one. She's usually lovely but she's really shat the bed this time and I want some time.

PIL cat sat for us whilst we were away on hols, really kind of them. However, whilst they were here, MIL took it upon herself to have a clear out of our spare room. She has thrown away three boxes of sentimental stuff from my childhood, old diaries, some letters from my grandparents, photos, presents I was given, books: my Malory towers and sweet Valley high collection, all sentimental stuff that means a lot to me. These was the only things that were thrown away, nothing belonging to DH or the DC were thrown away, just re-arranged. DS 1 bedroom was reorganised for example. I didn't realise until about two days later (about the thrown away, I twigged the re-organisation pretty quickly). Bin men have been, it's all gone.

I am really, really upset by this. PILs initial reaction was patronising, suggesting that we live in junk filled chaos and they couldn't see us living like this, this then quickly turned angry and is now at the begrudging apology stage.

In the last few days PIL has been bombarding me with messages about how upset MIL is (because I won't accept her apology or talk to her right now). they were supposed to be coming over this weekend but i've suggested DH and the kids go to them, I don't want them in my space right now.

I will get over this, it's only 'stuff' i get that but I'm not at the forgive and forget stage yet. I'm getting multiple daily messages from FIL, MIL has been on the phone every day to DH alternating between anger at me, belittling my feelings or crying about how I am going to ruin their relationship.

I just want to be left alone by them for a while, DH is supportive but is also on the receiving end of his parents, wants an easy life and is encouraging me to move on. I will move on but I just want a couple of weeks without any bullshit from any of them. Any advice on what I can do / say to buy me a bit of time?

OP posts:
DeniseRoyal · 04/09/2019 16:23

I could, and would never forgive her for this, or bloody fil. What a pair of bastards! I'm so sorry op, what they did was really hurtful. 💐

Quartz2208 · 04/09/2019 16:24

Yes you and your DH need to discuss this as your boundaries are way off. This was a deliberate and spiteful move designed to hurt and show you who is in charge
At least a few months no contact has to be done now

GatoFofo · 04/09/2019 16:24

Why do you think she did it OP? Put of nastiness and spite because she doesn’t like you? Or revenge for a perceived slight? Or is it a control thing, like pissing on your territory?
Whatever her motives, if my MIL did this it would be curtains for our relationship.

DishingOutDone · 04/09/2019 16:25

@paleandstale - you say in your OP that MiL is usually lovely - I think that makes it even worse, are you sure? Lovely by whose standards?!

Cyberworrier · 04/09/2019 16:25

OP, I’m so sorry you’ve lost such important things. Have recently helped a relative clearing their mum’s house and we had to stop another relative trying to chuck loads of his childhood in the skip... fucking heartless.
One thing I find interesting was that in your OP you say she is usually lovely. Is that just being polite or is this genuinely a huge shift in behaviour? Because it really is very cruel and breaking so many boundaries, incredibly disrespectful.

Cyberworrier · 04/09/2019 16:25

Crosspost Dishing!

BlingLoving · 04/09/2019 16:26

I thought my friend's MIL rearranging her kitchen was bad. This is completely unacceptable. Also, to clarify, the apology has not been unequivacable, heartfelt and grovelling? Because I'd find it very hard to forgive but impossible without these level of sackcloth and ashes from them. So not okay. And absolutely, it's a form of control and a way to make it clear that you're not important and part of the family.

Tell them to back off and make sure DH supports you on this.

violetteskies · 04/09/2019 16:26

What everyone else is saying x

IdblowJonSnow · 04/09/2019 16:26

Go to their house, chuck there stuff away and see how they like it.
I think your dh needs to have your back a bit more really, well a lot actually.
This is a big deal as it's a total invasion of privacy and shows zero respect.
I agree, block them and have some time out. See how you feel in a month or two
And get your house keys back!!
I'm really cross on your behalf. And your mil is crying? It's really all about her isn't it. Confused

ellzebellze · 04/09/2019 16:26

"You have destroyed my precious belongings and mementos of my childhood, and you have destroyed our relationship. How dare you even think that your begrudging apology will make everything all right again".

golddustwomen · 04/09/2019 16:27

Like a pp said up thread - bloody evil!!!!
I would never forgive this. Ever.

iamtinkabella · 04/09/2019 16:28

beyond horrendous behaviour from your MIL. Id be very tempted to tell her to fuck off... forever. Fuck her!

wildflowersandweeds · 04/09/2019 16:28

I'd tell them I'll forgive them when there's a sincere apology and they let you loose in their house unsupervised to organise and throw out some of their stuff. Unbelievable behaviour from them both.

Whitejasmine · 04/09/2019 16:28

OMG - I cant believe she did that. That is shocking.

Burlea · 04/09/2019 16:29

I'm in shock that anyone could be so cruel.

areyoubeingserviced · 04/09/2019 16:29

Op, you are a better person than me. I would never forgive her.
She did this deliberately and as a method of control. She is a cruel , nasty woman.

Eckhart · 04/09/2019 16:29

I wonder how she'd feel if someone showed up at her house and said 'We're going to bin some stuff. We'll choose what. Stand aside, please, let us in. We only want to tidy up.' Do you think she'd let them in?

But this isn't about how she'd feel. She either knew how you would feel (so it was vindictive), or, less likely, it didn't cross her mind how you'd feel (so it was HUGELY thoughtless)

Give her a taste of her own. You think she won't like it? Let her feel bad. Be as thoughtless as she is. Tell DP to let PIL know that the damage may well be irreparable, and that you want them to leave you alone until further notice. Don't force yourself to forgive them; don't minimise your feelings. You are rightfully upset and must respect your upset for as long as you need to. You don't need to assume responsiblity for mending a relationship with somebody who can be so very hurtful towards you.

Abracad · 04/09/2019 16:29

I would never let her in my home again. Ever.

KnittingSister · 04/09/2019 16:30

Make a list of what you need:

Change the locks
A formal apology
Replacement books
Space to grieve
DH to back you up

This thread has loads of excellent ideas, then implement that list.

wornoutboots · 04/09/2019 16:30

I wouldn't be forgiving it. Not ever. These things aren't just stuff.

(and even if they were just stuff, even if you were living like an episode of hoarders, it would still not be her place to sort and get rid)

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 04/09/2019 16:31

I agree that, if anything, you are under-reacting but seeing that you've had this happen before by your own parents explains that.

These people are invalidating you as a sentient human being able to make your own choices and have your own feelings (Ditto CuriousSamphire and everyone else this has happened to from parents).

You are not your own person. You are a Child to them, and as such, you do what you are told and They Know Best (like fuck but, y'know, in what passes for their minds).

It's that total lack of respect that would finish the relationship for me, on top of the loss of the irreplaceable sentimental stuff.

Your feelings do not matter to them. They still do not matter to them, because they are trying to ride roughshod over them and telling you that your feelings are not important.

Fuck that. They'd be finding out pretty fucking fast exactly how important MY feelings were if it was me!

Sconesat4 · 04/09/2019 16:32

If I were you I would not be able to forgive this. Ever. It’s a gross overstepping is the mark. I would go absolutely crazy.

FlashAHHHH · 04/09/2019 16:32

I once threw out s pair of my husbands threadbare underpants. Unbeknownst to me, they were a lucky pair that he wore when he reached a huge milestone at work HmmGrin

Anyway, he was really gutted, but thankfully I was able to retrieve them from the dustbin. I would have felt really bad for him if they had been gone forever.

Your situation is clearly 100 times worse than that - your MIL sounds extremely vindictive. She was so far over the line and given what you've said, it would appear that this wasn't an unfortunate mistake. No, she knew what she was doing. Evil cow.

IceColdLemonade · 04/09/2019 16:33

I don't see how you can ever forgive this and carry on a 'relationship' of any kind with someone who has been so terribly disrespectful to you. I don't think there's any road back from this.

Hidingtonothing · 04/09/2019 16:33

Just imagining this happening to me is making me feel awful OP, I'm so sorry. Not much to add to what PP's have said, I couldn't be in the same room as her for a long, long time. Yes to DH stepping up and keeping them and their selfish drama right away from you, you need to impress on him how vital it is he does this or you will lose respect for him too.

The book a PP mentioned is Toxic In-laws by Susan Forward and is definitely worth reading, as is Toxic Parents by the same author for your DH. I hope this thread has confirmed for you that you're not over-reacting and your feelings are completely justified, my DGM did the same to my DM as a teenager and it still upsets her, she's 67 Sad