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Original poster

How do I communicate my need to be left the fuck alone?

581 replies

paleandstale · 04/09/2019 15:21

Apologies, it's another MIL one. She's usually lovely but she's really shat the bed this time and I want some time.

PIL cat sat for us whilst we were away on hols, really kind of them. However, whilst they were here, MIL took it upon herself to have a clear out of our spare room. She has thrown away three boxes of sentimental stuff from my childhood, old diaries, some letters from my grandparents, photos, presents I was given, books: my Malory towers and sweet Valley high collection, all sentimental stuff that means a lot to me. These was the only things that were thrown away, nothing belonging to DH or the DC were thrown away, just re-arranged. DS 1 bedroom was reorganised for example. I didn't realise until about two days later (about the thrown away, I twigged the re-organisation pretty quickly). Bin men have been, it's all gone.

I am really, really upset by this. PILs initial reaction was patronising, suggesting that we live in junk filled chaos and they couldn't see us living like this, this then quickly turned angry and is now at the begrudging apology stage.

In the last few days PIL has been bombarding me with messages about how upset MIL is (because I won't accept her apology or talk to her right now). they were supposed to be coming over this weekend but i've suggested DH and the kids go to them, I don't want them in my space right now.

I will get over this, it's only 'stuff' i get that but I'm not at the forgive and forget stage yet. I'm getting multiple daily messages from FIL, MIL has been on the phone every day to DH alternating between anger at me, belittling my feelings or crying about how I am going to ruin their relationship.

I just want to be left alone by them for a while, DH is supportive but is also on the receiving end of his parents, wants an easy life and is encouraging me to move on. I will move on but I just want a couple of weeks without any bullshit from any of them. Any advice on what I can do / say to buy me a bit of time?

OP posts:
HotChocWithCream · 04/09/2019 16:34

As others have said I couldn’t see past this.

She clearly has zero respect for boundaries. She had no business rearranging ANYTHING never mind chucking stuff!

If I were you I’d completely cut her out of my life. No question.

Catsandchardonnay · 04/09/2019 16:37

Another one here who would never forgive her. I would cut her out of my life totally and never see her again. This is the worst MIL I’ve ever seen on here.

Strawberryletter24 · 04/09/2019 16:38

ellzebellze

Excellent.

BazzleJet · 04/09/2019 16:38

I actually gasped out loud when I read this. What totally appalling disgraceful behaviour! I'd go absolutely batshit ballistic if someone threw out priceless, irreplaceable mementoes. How would she like it if someone went round when she was out and threw out all the baby pictures and her wedding album?

You absolutely can ban her from your house. She does not know how to behave in a civilised manner in your house so she doesn't get to visit ever again. You cannot trust her, she has made that absolutely plain to all.

I think it would be many months before I could even see her again if it was my MIL. DH and children can go and visit PIL if they must but I would insist on totally supervised as she might try to rewrite history and tell your children lies to cover up her behaviour.

DH needs to get on board with you too and stop mollifying his witch of a mother.

I'm so sorry for you. I lost my Malory Towers books, my Moomin books and my Follyfoot books to a shitty relative clearing out stuff and still miss them to this day. Your rage and disgust is justified.

Windydaysuponus · 04/09/2019 16:38

Does anyone wonder if the op who threw out her dh's old smelly sleeping bag has been forgiven yet?

ElizaDee · 04/09/2019 16:39

In the last few days PIL has been bombarding me with messages about how upset MIL is (because I won't accept her apology or talk to her right now)

I would go absolutely fucking mental. They would never cross my threshold again. I would however, get in to their house with DH's keys and throw away some of her stuff. The most sentimental you can find, the better. I wouldn't give 2 fucks. At all.

hsegfiugseskufh · 04/09/2019 16:39

I wouldn't ever forgive her either.

what was her excuse for having done that?! I cannot fathom what she could have possibly said to rationalise her behaviour.

areyoubeingserviced · 04/09/2019 16:39

Btw Op. your mother in law dislikes you

ElizaDee · 04/09/2019 16:40

In fact, I'd probably punch her in the fucking face.

NeedSomeTimeInTheSunshiiine · 04/09/2019 16:42

"You have destroyed my precious belongings and mementos of my childhood, and you have destroyed our relationship. How dare you even think that your begrudging apology will make everything all right again".

This. The letters and photos are irreplaceable - imagine if you'd thrown out her baby pics!

I can only assume it was malicious as it was only your stuff... Is there any truth to the feeling that you live in 'junk-filled chaos'? It doesn't excuse it in the least, but is that the genuine motivation would you say?

BazzleJet · 04/09/2019 16:42

Oh TowelNumber42 will you please come and sort out my life? I love your unwavering determined common sense approach and agree with every word. I read your comments on the lady in France divorcing thread and always cheer on your clarity 👏

Gustavo1 · 04/09/2019 16:43

Oh op, this is terrible! What an awful thing for your MIL to do.

As for the apology, it is hers to offer and yours to accept as and when you are ready. A person who is angry you are not ready to move on immediately, clearly has no understanding of what they have done.

I would tell your DH/FIL/MIL that you have heard the apology and appreciate it however, your feelings are still hurt and you cannot be expected to move on to their schedule. It wasn’t a picture from the fridge or a plant from the garden. It was memories, sentimental items that cannot be replaced and you need time to come to terms with the fact that they they were treated like rubbish!

LeekMunchingSheepShagger · 04/09/2019 16:43

My MIL would never set foot in my house again if she did this. I would be beyond furious.

Have you got a key to her house? I'd be round there to bin a few boxes of her belongings.

JetPlanesMeeting · 04/09/2019 16:44

I couldn't forgive this. I just couldn't get past it. This was not a careless 2 second glance at a piece of paper that she thought was unimportant, this was a systematic removal of sentimental things that would have taken her a while to go through.

She would be dead to me. I couldn't be in the same room as her again. I wonder how she would feel if you went into her house and removed things she had kept too. If she thinks you are being hysterical ask her for her wedding rings so you can throw them away.

acatcalledjohn · 04/09/2019 16:46

You can't really ban them from your home when your DH is there

You absolutely can. Would you trust the MIL to keep her filthy fucking claws to herself when DH goes to the toilet?

She'd never set foot over my threshold ever again. And if my DP/DH refuse to support that then that relationship would be over too.

I'm so sorry OP. Sounds like you have been screwed over by your own parents to have reacted this calmly to the situation. As a PP mentioned, I'd probably get done for assault in a situation like this.

I would be sorely tempted to report MIL to the police for theft, or take her to a small claims court. After all, it sounds like you have plenty of evidence in messages.

Failing that, I would take the PPs suggestion of 'pruning' her garden or throwing away her baby/wedding photos.

I can't comprehend how much of a cunt your MIL is being by making out you are the problem by overreacting. That's some serious gaslighting right there.

Thanks
Mydogmylife · 04/09/2019 16:47

Please don't give in to the pestering (harassment ) to forgive - as said by others this is totally beyond the pale. Hopefully your DH is completely onside, even though from what you have said his boundaries seem a bit skewed from previous experience of mils appalling behaviour. Get the key back - she's not to trusted!

BrendasUmbrella · 04/09/2019 16:47

She targeted your irreplaceable belongings. That is incredibly hateful and malicious and I don't think I'd ever get past it.

I disagree with people saying you should be out when they come to your house. I'm sure they'd be quite happy with that! They need to NOT come to your house. Take as much space as you need while you decide how to redraw the boundaries.

Lowlandlucky · 04/09/2019 16:47

OMG, my heart is breaking for you, how bloody dare she. I dont know how anyone can make this better for you. Flowers

ZapADi · 04/09/2019 16:47

If my MIL, or anyone for that matter, did that they would be banned from my house forever.

Change the locks. You can put money on her having a second set 'just in case'

CreatedBySombra · 04/09/2019 16:47

paleandstale in all honesty something like this would be the end of my relationship with the person who showed such blatant contempt for my feelings...and if my husband didn't back me up 100% it would honestly be the end of my marriage too.

That's such a violation of your privacy and possessions. It's bad enough when precious mementos are lost in fires/floods. At least in those scenarios you know it's not malicious act intended to hurt you, but this was a calculated move to upset you, assert control over you and dominate the outcome with how they feel. Fuck that, I'd never forgive or forget.

I'm not trying to fan the flames of your anger and upset, but I am a supportive voice if you choose to take a firmer approach to your response than the one you're planning.

Soola · 04/09/2019 16:48

There is a reason that they don’t wade into hoarders houses and chuck it all away and work with the person so that they agree to getting rid of things because it’s a huge impact on their mental well being.

Obviously the op isn’t a hoarder but the same principle is here, the op is quite rightly devastated that her previous things are gone forever at the hands of someone who has no permission to even touch them.

It may be ‘stuff’ but psychologically the removal of these things without permission is extremely distressing and can have a lasting impact.

I’m not an overly sentimental person but when I was going through a very stressful period in my life I found it comforting to purchase some books from my childhood. They weren’t my original books but I still felt a comfort from the reconnection to the past.

Its sickening what she has done and even more so her appalling attitude and if her husband’s at how they are treating you now.

00q007 · 04/09/2019 16:49

OMG I'm furious on your behalf!

How dare she even touch you things never mind throw them away!

I wouldn't blame you if you didn't speak to them ever again.

ElizaDee · 04/09/2019 16:49

MIL took it upon herself to have a clear out of our spare room. She has thrown away three boxes of sentimental stuff from my childhood, old diaries, some letters from my grandparents, photos, presents I was given, books: my Malory towers and sweet Valley high collection, all sentimental stuff that means a lot to me. These was the only things that were thrown away, nothing belonging to DH or the DC were thrown away, just re-arranged. DS 1 bedroom was reorganised for example. I didn't realise until about two days later (about the thrown away, I twigged the re-organisation pretty quickly). Bin men have been, it's all gone.

Don't even consider any more contact in the future, even if they back off now. What she has done is unforgivable. Just cut her off completely and make it clear that if DH wants a relationship, and wants your kids to have one, then its all done outside of your house.

Patroclus · 04/09/2019 16:53

Why the actual fuck do peope do this? I hear about it happening a lot

doublesheesh · 04/09/2019 16:54

Fuck 'how upset MIL is' and fuck your DH's easy life.

This.
And if FIL dares complain about his 'poor' wife, I would demand that your DH put him in his place by asking him how he can be so outrageous to request that people think about 'poor' MIL rather than poor you when you are the victim here and MIL created this whole mess.