How do I communicate my need to be left the fuck alone?

[paleandstale]

Apologies, it's another MIL one. She's usually lovely but she's really shat the bed this time and I want some time.

PIL cat sat for us whilst we were away on hols, really kind of them. However, whilst they were here, MIL took it upon herself to have a clear out of our spare room. She has thrown away three boxes of sentimental stuff from my childhood, old diaries, some letters from my grandparents, photos, presents I was given, books: my Malory towers and sweet Valley high collection, all sentimental stuff that means a lot to me. These was the only things that were thrown away, nothing belonging to DH or the DC were thrown away, just re-arranged. DS 1 bedroom was reorganised for example. I didn't realise until about two days later (about the thrown away, I twigged the re-organisation pretty quickly). Bin men have been, it's all gone.

I am really, really upset by this. PILs initial reaction was patronising, suggesting that we live in junk filled chaos and they couldn't see us living like this, this then quickly turned angry and is now at the begrudging apology stage.

In the last few days PIL has been bombarding me with messages about how upset MIL is (because I won't accept her apology or talk to her right now). they were supposed to be coming over this weekend but i've suggested DH and the kids go to them, I don't want them in my space right now.

I will get over this, it's only 'stuff' i get that but I'm not at the forgive and forget stage yet. I'm getting multiple daily messages from FIL, MIL has been on the phone every day to DH alternating between anger at me, belittling my feelings or crying about how I am going to ruin their relationship.

I just want to be left alone by them for a while, DH is supportive but is also on the receiving end of his parents, wants an easy life and is encouraging me to move on. I will move on but I just want a couple of weeks without any bullshit from any of them. Any advice on what I can do / say to buy me a bit of time?

OP, that's awful. I wouldn't be able to forgive her. i might be able to get to a place of cold civility, but she's ruined the relationship for ever, imo.
Your dh needs to understand how unforgivable her behaviour is and back you in your desire to go very lc with her. He, and the dc, of course, can continue their relationship with her, but without your presence.

That’s awful.

Why on earth would she do that?

Fuck me, that is bloody evil.

If someone threw out any of my books or photos they'd be dead to me. That's vindictive as hell

As I read your post I found myself saying no, no, no out loud. How fucking dare they? I have some letters my late Mum wrote to her parents when she was 11 and evacuated because of the war. I would find it impossible to forgive if someone took it upon themselves to throw them out. In fact I’d probably get done for assault. I don’t know if I could ever speak to them again but for their own sake, my DH would be well advised to keep them away from me. I’m furious on your behalf.

That’s unforgivable behaviour on her part.

Fucking hell OP I'd be raging too. Utterly incomprehensible that she thought this was ok.

It may only be STUFF, but it's your stuff. I would be seeing her again but that's just me.

OOh! My own parents used to do that to me all the time. I have never forgiven them for it and they just refuse to understand why coming home from school to find a treasured item gone - usually given to a cousing - was in any way hurtful.

Thebest DF has come up with was that it was his to goive and to take back and he had no idea I begrudged cousins the ame jpy I had out of a guitar I was still using, due to be in a concert the next weekend; a stamp collection my GF had helped me start, with letters from him - given to cousin on the other side of the family' silver charm bracelet I had had since I was 5, a charm a year from my Nana, I had hidden under a floorboard to keep it safe from them, it was taken by my mum (daughter of said Nana) as I had thrown it away / lost it and didn't care for it. It was sold, I think. I didn't see the money from it.

That kept happening into adulthood - DH put a stop to it! A gift to us included to him and DF could fuck off if he thought he could waltz in and take it! Opened my eyes, I tell you!

Your DH needs to tell his DM clearly that she has behaved badly and if she can't take a step back and give BOTH of you some space she will only make your relationship worse. Maybe irreparably so.

I agree with pps, and you suspicion, she did it quite deliberately and intended to hurt you. It is quite an evil thing to do to someone!

That is outrageous, and my relationship with her would never be the same again.

I refuse to believe she didn't do it out of spite. Why the fucking hell would she think you would be grateful for "sorting" your stuff. She did it to be a bitch. there is NO excuse for going through someone elses belongings and throwing them away.

And isn't is amazing how it was all YOUR stuff, and not stuff belonging to DH or DC. Fuck her. I'd let DH make them aware that you have nothing to say to her for the time being and to not expect to be welcomed by you any time soon.

Just another one here coming on to say that's not ok and you don't have to be ok with this. I wouldn't have them in the house unsupervised ever again, and I wouldn't have them in the house until they understood what they've done, apologised and agreed to never touch any of the things on your property ever again.

I can’t understand why she thought it was okay to even look through your things?

I do have a couple if friends who are NC with in laws. Their husbands want to be in touch with parents, sure, but no one is obliged to take on in laws who have behaved this way. You can be NC with them and they should not be allowed in your home again.

That's horrific! What would ever possess anyone to even think something like that was acceptable?! It's appalling, end of. I very much doubt I would ever, EVER forgive someone for doing that to my personal, treasured belongings and memories.

I’d be fucking furious OP!!! Cheeky bitch!!!! I would NEVER let them into my house again. When I’d recovered, I might go and visit them. But absolutely no fucking way would they be setting foot in my house again. What a fucking cheek!!!

I’m so bloody cross on your behalf.

I'm honestly gobsmacked! I can't believe ANYONE would go through and throw away someone else's stuff without asking or being invited to do so.

And the fact that it was only yours smacks of deliberate malice. Does she have form such nastiness?

They threw your stuff out and now they are suggesting you are casuing problems. They are not nice people. Don't back down. It's your Dps problem to sort and his responsibility to get them to understand. Perhaps suggesting they let you go through their belongings and throw out random stuff like their wedding photos or photos of your Dp as a baby that they care about would help them see how awful they were to do that. (I'm not suggesting you do that, just use it as a way to get them to understand).

That is almost unforgivable. How dare she do that & how dare FIL try to justify it.

They are now hassling you to 'forgive' and get back on good terms, so that they don't have to feel guilty for the absolutely awful thing that MIL did. You don't have to do anything at all and you certainly don't have to take their calls, respond to texts or anything like that. You need time to process this and come to your own conclusions as to what you would like to do about it and also what you would like them to do by way of recompense.

I feel so angry for you. I would be devastated if someone through away my personal treasures.

Definitely no more cat sitting. If they have a key, it comes back.

I'd be telling them they're not setting the time frame for when we start playing happy families again. I am. And right now, if they carry on the way they are doing, it's going to be the other side of never. So if I were they, I would back the FUCK off. And perhaps they could use the time to reflect on just how appallingly inappropriate, passive aggressive, and so far across the boundaries they're in the next goddamned county their actions were.

And then they can consider how to apologise so that you might even believe they mean it. Because they sure as hell can't make up for or rectify the damage they have done - not just to you and your loss of your precious things, their absolutely insulting lack of consideration for your right to your personal space in YOUR home, but to the relationship with this branch of the family.

@CuriousaboutSamphire

You have every right to be furious and not forgive them.

First of all how dare they go through YOUR personal belongings and deem whats 'junk' or not. Idiots ! Your DH should be backing you up as well.

Honestly this would hurt me so deeply as you can't replace those things. Make them suffer

How rude and presumptuous of her to throw out your stuff.

I would message her and say that she threw out items that were of great sentimental value to you, and that you will not be forgetting that in a hurry.

She should be making a grovelling apology, and offering to replace what can be replaced. If she doesn't then block her and ignore her for an indefinite period.

Wow OP, she can't abide you, can she?

NC I say.

I’m with the ignore her crew. I’d just stop giving a shit right now for a while with no regard to long term consequences- up to them how far they push it

let it go and then in a few month clear out her stuff see how she likes it

That’s a truly horrible thing to happen to you op.

It doesn’t matter if she thought it was junk, she had no right to go through your personal belongs and decide to get rid of it.

Your husband should be backing you 100%

Christ, that's horrific. I'd be furious. Obviously block them on all forms of communication. For starters.
I'd actually not want to see the twats again after this. Ever. Or (if that wasn't possible) they'd certainly never be coming within a hundred feet of my house ever again.

Fuck 'how upset MIL is' and fuck your DH's easy life.

If they are going to act like vandals in your space and they've intimated they don't like it by complaining about "your junk" then for starters there is absolutely no reason to ever allow them in your space.