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Original poster

How do I communicate my need to be left the fuck alone?

581 replies

paleandstale · 04/09/2019 15:21

Apologies, it's another MIL one. She's usually lovely but she's really shat the bed this time and I want some time.

PIL cat sat for us whilst we were away on hols, really kind of them. However, whilst they were here, MIL took it upon herself to have a clear out of our spare room. She has thrown away three boxes of sentimental stuff from my childhood, old diaries, some letters from my grandparents, photos, presents I was given, books: my Malory towers and sweet Valley high collection, all sentimental stuff that means a lot to me. These was the only things that were thrown away, nothing belonging to DH or the DC were thrown away, just re-arranged. DS 1 bedroom was reorganised for example. I didn't realise until about two days later (about the thrown away, I twigged the re-organisation pretty quickly). Bin men have been, it's all gone.

I am really, really upset by this. PILs initial reaction was patronising, suggesting that we live in junk filled chaos and they couldn't see us living like this, this then quickly turned angry and is now at the begrudging apology stage.

In the last few days PIL has been bombarding me with messages about how upset MIL is (because I won't accept her apology or talk to her right now). they were supposed to be coming over this weekend but i've suggested DH and the kids go to them, I don't want them in my space right now.

I will get over this, it's only 'stuff' i get that but I'm not at the forgive and forget stage yet. I'm getting multiple daily messages from FIL, MIL has been on the phone every day to DH alternating between anger at me, belittling my feelings or crying about how I am going to ruin their relationship.

I just want to be left alone by them for a while, DH is supportive but is also on the receiving end of his parents, wants an easy life and is encouraging me to move on. I will move on but I just want a couple of weeks without any bullshit from any of them. Any advice on what I can do / say to buy me a bit of time?

OP posts:
HappilyHarridan · 04/09/2019 16:02

Op, this is a genuine offer. I think I have a box of very well loved sweet valley high books in my loft, would you like them? I need to check they’re still there but am pretty sure they are.

darkcloudsandsunnyskies · 04/09/2019 16:02

Go round their home and demolish all of the furniture and carefully burn it in the garden.

Casually remark, I actually prefer Art Deco, as you exit the ruins.

OliviaBenson · 04/09/2019 16:03

I'd combine the responses above and say:

"You have thrown away my irreplaceable belongings, my private things that you had no business touching. I need space. If you continue to harass me, I won't have space and the relationship will never recover. Your choice."

I'd also expect my husband to start screening their calls for now - he shouldn't be giving them the air time, instead he should be backing you up and saying he supports you 100%.

Beesandcheese · 04/09/2019 16:03

Ever again. Even if you manage to move to a place of not being fucked off by the sight of this nasty pair then just see them at cafes or restaurant's. You need to bump them out of the "close" circle.

Original poster
paleandstale · 04/09/2019 16:04

@CuriousaboutSamphire I'm so sorry it happened to you too. My parents also had form for this, which is why I'm not as angry as I could be, it's not a new experience.

Good point about keys, they'll be picked up by DH this weekend.

Overall i need to consider some new, healthier boundaries I think. FIL is now blocked on my phone and DH & I are both in tonight so can have a chat with DH and put him in place as the barrier between us.

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 04/09/2019 16:04

OMG. Seriously, if my MIL had done that to me, the relationship would never recover At All.

Yeah it's "only stuff" - but it wasn't HER fucking stuff to throw out, was it. It was yours.

I got really angry with DH when he threw out my tape collection that had been removed from my car - he'd put them somewhere in a bag, I knew where they were but hadn't time to retrieve them immediately - when I went to get it, they'd gone because "they're old technology".
I still haven't got over that and it was 10 years ago - some of it was irreplaceable (one off tapes made for me by friends, a school concert I'd been in, a sample jazz tape etc.) - and they mattered to me.

That was bad enough. If MIL had done it that would have been so much worse. If MY mother had done it, it would have been just as bad.

She just wants you to accept her apology so she can go back to being "in the right" - she's NOT in the fucking right and she needs to know it, so yeah, DH better make it damn clear that she's not welcome right now because she's trampled all over your space and your belongings and YOU are hurt, not fucking her.

Preggosaurus9 · 04/09/2019 16:05

Jesus. That is awful. I would not ever be speaking to or seeing MIL ever again after that. I would also be taking back the key and reconsidering if I wanted her to have any contact with my DC at all.

Sounds like DH has been the victim of abuse to not see how appaling this is. I wouldn't expect him to even answer the phone to them at this point.

There is no apology that could make me forgive, if my DM or MIL did this to either mine or DH's or DC's stuff.

She broke the relationship, not you. What a ridiculous claim to make!

CuriousaboutSamphire · 04/09/2019 16:06

Thanks @CandyLeBonBon

I post about it here once a year or so. I am 53, the hurt and anger doesn't go away, it does diminish, a little. So I suspect OP is in for many years of this bubbliing up and catching her unawares! It bloody hurts when you think about the emotional connection, touching something a long gone loved one touched... that you had and someone else chose to get rid of!

IceColdLemonade · 04/09/2019 16:06

That's AWFUL OP! Seriously, I couldn't forgive her. On what level was any of that behaviour justified in her own mind? Just horrible.

supercee · 04/09/2019 16:06

I'm raging on your behalf. My mother has done this to me a few times in the past and even to this day whenever I think about it I get so incensed I could burst.

To add insult to injury it's the 'but but but' ridiculous excuses that follow trying to turn it around and blame me, or in this instance, you. Sounds like your DH needs to be taking a harder line.

supercee · 04/09/2019 16:07

And I loved Mallory Towers.

Brefugee · 04/09/2019 16:08

Bloody hell. I would never ever forgive. And I would never ever forgive anyone who didn't agree that this is a massive problem.

MrsTPs message is a good one, i'd use it (via DH if you want) and then I'd be completely NC with both ILs. You can't really ban them from your home when your DH is there - but I'd deffo ban them when nobody is home, or just you. Sorry, you're going to have to spring for cat kennels next time.

If they come over, In your position, I'd make sure I was out. Coat on and out of the door as soon as they got to the front door. Every time. Even if i was just going to sit in the bus stop until they'd gone.

And I'd be making it perfectly clear to EVERYONE that anyone, anyone at ALL who touched anything of mine again would get their fingers stamped on.

Jeez. Flowers

(Otoh - I am extremely petty and vindictive. So I'd probably angle for one more visit to their house then just start taking photos off the wall and things out of the drawers and put them in a black bin bag and go out to my car with them…)

CuriousaboutSamphire · 04/09/2019 16:08

@paleandstale Why do they do it? DH thinks DF likes to be Mr Magnanimous, so he redistributes his wealth to show him in the best light.

Your MIL though... I hope her motive, as you understand it, doesn't cause you more issues. Your DH will have a lot of soul searching to do over this... not at all pleasant for either of you!

RosaWaiting · 04/09/2019 16:09

I also can’t understand how they can be angry.

Skittlenommer · 04/09/2019 16:10

I wouldn’t get over it. That would be it for me! I’d cut her out and I’d never see her or speak to her again.

Bunglefromrainbow · 04/09/2019 16:10

I don't think I need to say anything about your MIL. Awful.

But I think your husband should be more supportive of you. I appreciate that they are his parents come what may but if my mother had done this to my partners stuff I would be cutting her out for a period and I would explain exactly why I thought she was totally out of order. It would permanently affect my relationship with her.

Your DH sounds very relaxed about it all and like he's not fully on your side with this. For me that would feel like a betrayal.

ReanimatedSGB · 04/09/2019 16:11

This is an appalling act of spite and malice on her part, and I wouldn't forgive someone who did this to me. (I have lost a lot of personal items but the fault there was mainly mine - and it still bothers me.)
Your DH needs to back you on banning her from the house - he and your DC can visit them, but you will not. And, also, you have every right to tell your DC why you are angry with the grandparents. I wouldn't normally suggest involving DC in adult squabbles, but there are times when it's OK to say, this adult did a dreadful thing, and may be sorry but I am still angry with the person.

BEDinhalfanhour · 04/09/2019 16:11

MIL has been on the phone every day to DH alternating between anger at me, belittling my feelings or crying about how I am going to ruin their relationship

She is losing control. The anger is the frustration that she wont win this one.

I would never ever ever forgive her.

She's not right in the head surely?

IceColdLemonade · 04/09/2019 16:11

Curiousaboutsamphire

I feel your pain! Flowers. I loved my doll's house and always played with it until one day I came home from school and it was gone! My mother had given it to my younger cousin because I was 'too old'. Of course, it was wrecked and ended up in the back garden.

I was an avid reader of Bunty comic and used to save them in a drawer - one day they were just gone, thrown in the trash.

When I was a teenager my walls were plastered with my favourite group and I came home from school to find my aunt decorating the bedroom. I thought they had just taken them down but they had thrown them away.

It still hurts!

ellzebellze · 04/09/2019 16:11

Oh my God, that's appalling and totally overstepping all acceptable boundaries. I would be absolutely incandescent with rage, and no, I wouldn't ever forgive anyone who did that to me.

Have you got a key to their house?

Ticklemeelmo · 04/09/2019 16:12

That's really shocking, totally unforgivable. I would be furious.

PrincessHoneysuckle · 04/09/2019 16:13

Omg who throws away someone's stuff without asking?! That's crazy

blacksax · 04/09/2019 16:13

I'd be going over there when they are out and 'pruning' all the plants in their garden.

LazyLizzy · 04/09/2019 16:13

Bitch did it on purpose. It wasn't a coincidence that DH or DC stuff wasn't binned.

I would cut her off completely. Only got herself to blame.

IceColdLemonade · 04/09/2019 16:14

Happilyharridan

That's lovely of you!

Oliviabenson

"You have thrown away my irreplaceable belongings, my private things that you had no business touching. I need space. If you continue to harass me, I won't have space and the relationship will never recover. Your choice."

So right!