How do I communicate my need to be left the fuck alone?

[paleandstale]

Apologies, it's another MIL one. She's usually lovely but she's really shat the bed this time and I want some time.

PIL cat sat for us whilst we were away on hols, really kind of them. However, whilst they were here, MIL took it upon herself to have a clear out of our spare room. She has thrown away three boxes of sentimental stuff from my childhood, old diaries, some letters from my grandparents, photos, presents I was given, books: my Malory towers and sweet Valley high collection, all sentimental stuff that means a lot to me. These was the only things that were thrown away, nothing belonging to DH or the DC were thrown away, just re-arranged. DS 1 bedroom was reorganised for example. I didn't realise until about two days later (about the thrown away, I twigged the re-organisation pretty quickly). Bin men have been, it's all gone.

I am really, really upset by this. PILs initial reaction was patronising, suggesting that we live in junk filled chaos and they couldn't see us living like this, this then quickly turned angry and is now at the begrudging apology stage.

In the last few days PIL has been bombarding me with messages about how upset MIL is (because I won't accept her apology or talk to her right now). they were supposed to be coming over this weekend but i've suggested DH and the kids go to them, I don't want them in my space right now.

I will get over this, it's only 'stuff' i get that but I'm not at the forgive and forget stage yet. I'm getting multiple daily messages from FIL, MIL has been on the phone every day to DH alternating between anger at me, belittling my feelings or crying about how I am going to ruin their relationship.

I just want to be left alone by them for a while, DH is supportive but is also on the receiving end of his parents, wants an easy life and is encouraging me to move on. I will move on but I just want a couple of weeks without any bullshit from any of them. Any advice on what I can do / say to buy me a bit of time?

@paleandstale how about starting a thread seeking advice on books/courses/youtubes/counsellors that can help with personal boundaries. I bet MN is full of people who have tried all kinds of ways. I'm sure plenty of others would love such a thread too.

What a great result for you OP.
I hope you can all support each other to manage the in laws from now on. It helps to have other family members on your side so you can stay strong and know that the issue isn't with you.

I'm glad that your DH stepped up and had your back.

Stay strong OP

No remorse whatsoever from either of them. As for playing the ill health card, that’s downright disgusting seeing as it was them that caused all the aggro.

Their behaviour now is their true colours and they deserve to be left with just each other.

I would never ever forgive this - ever!

I bet they say of they have looked for replacements and can't find any.
Then make you out to be grabby for wanting them to pay for them...

FIL had been on the phone moaning about how the situation has making MIl ill

How predictable. Ignore, ignore and ignore. They are trying to lay a guilt trip on you. Let them fuck off. As I said previously if they managed to get everything back by going to the dump I'd still never speak to them again. They clearly don't give a shit about you, or how their appalling behaviour has affected you. It's all about how yours and Dh's reaction to their behaviour is now affecting them. They don't deserve a relationship with you again. Stay away and free yourself from their bullshit forever.

FIL had been on the phone moaning about how the situation has making MIl ill

@paleandstale Be very aware that a health scare is a very common tactic from manipulative fuckers like your MIL.

Don’t be surprised if she ends in his a&e after “collapsing” or with “suspected heart attack” in the next week or two.

She will be fine because it’ll be absolute bollocks, but it’s an oft use tactic in this kind of situation to try and force your hand.

Well done to you and DH. That sounds very calm.

I would also ask your siblings in law not to agree to act as go-betweens between you/DH and PIL.

Glad your DH has your back over this.

I doubt you'll see anything in terms of replacements and agree that MIL "feeling ill" could well transpire into a major health scare (it won't be real).

Also very glad that you have BIL and SIL on your side, rather than acting as "flying monkeys" - stupid PILs, they'll end up with no one at this rate, but the really only have themselves to blame!

I'm also seeing mil being 'ill' so I'd just prewarn dh so he doesn't panic.
I think you'll need a long term plan if they decided that there's nothing for them to fix.

So glad DH has your back. Good luck .

Oh yes, a 'heart attack' will be the next move (it's a common tactic of abusive people.) Frankly, if she actually manages to give herself a real one, you should regard that as karma in action. People as nasty as her often do poison themselves with their own malice.

YY, or vague symptoms of an ulcer. Or stress migraines.

What horrible people!

Oh I am so pleased you dh has really taken this on board, and is so supportive.
And also so encourgaing that your BIL has suported you and is on board.

@paleandstale : I too have been watching this thread for days, with my jaw dropping. I shared with my DH, to same reaction. I admire your restraint so much, although, as you pointed out, it may be due to your boundaries having been skewed in your own early life and for that. However, kudos to you for remaining calm and for not rising to their bait and provocation. It must be both depressing and amusing to learn of their batshittery with SIL and BIL. So delighted for you that you are, quite rightly, getting support from DH and from SIL & BIL. I hope that you can assemble some facsimile of the correspondence and photos you have had stolen from you. And I endorse the PPs who advised removal of your children from such malign influences.

And I endorse the PPs who advised removal of your children from such malign influences

As do I.

Bloody hell, OP, just read the whole thread. You poor thing.

I am very glad you are seeking some professional help, I did think you needed to do that after one of your updates. I have no recommendations for a therapist, but I hope you find someone who can help you.

Isn't it amazing how some people can turn literally ANYTHING around so it's the victims fault .... we're they lawyers or politicians in their careers?!

Is there any chance she was odd enough to have kept some items, sort of mementoes If what she's done. She sounds cruel enough to get enjoyment from that?

Glad your DH went over there and told them all that.

How awful. I don't think I could ever get over it. Irreplaceable items gone, just like that. How spiteful of your MIL.

And ill? How manipulative. Erghhh. I'm angry for you.

Holy fuckballs shit!

I would never forgive this. Never ever.