How do I communicate my need to be left the fuck alone?

[paleandstale]

Apologies, it's another MIL one. She's usually lovely but she's really shat the bed this time and I want some time.

PIL cat sat for us whilst we were away on hols, really kind of them. However, whilst they were here, MIL took it upon herself to have a clear out of our spare room. She has thrown away three boxes of sentimental stuff from my childhood, old diaries, some letters from my grandparents, photos, presents I was given, books: my Malory towers and sweet Valley high collection, all sentimental stuff that means a lot to me. These was the only things that were thrown away, nothing belonging to DH or the DC were thrown away, just re-arranged. DS 1 bedroom was reorganised for example. I didn't realise until about two days later (about the thrown away, I twigged the re-organisation pretty quickly). Bin men have been, it's all gone.

I am really, really upset by this. PILs initial reaction was patronising, suggesting that we live in junk filled chaos and they couldn't see us living like this, this then quickly turned angry and is now at the begrudging apology stage.

In the last few days PIL has been bombarding me with messages about how upset MIL is (because I won't accept her apology or talk to her right now). they were supposed to be coming over this weekend but i've suggested DH and the kids go to them, I don't want them in my space right now.

I will get over this, it's only 'stuff' i get that but I'm not at the forgive and forget stage yet. I'm getting multiple daily messages from FIL, MIL has been on the phone every day to DH alternating between anger at me, belittling my feelings or crying about how I am going to ruin their relationship.

I just want to be left alone by them for a while, DH is supportive but is also on the receiving end of his parents, wants an easy life and is encouraging me to move on. I will move on but I just want a couple of weeks without any bullshit from any of them. Any advice on what I can do / say to buy me a bit of time?

OP this is so awful I barely know where to begin.

Your MIL did this deliberately, don't kid yourself she didn't.

I don't think you are over reacting at all I think you are under reacting. I would never ever speak to her or set eyes on her (or FIL) ever again. I would also look at limiting contact with the DC. These people are fucking evil.

I would be furious at throwing my stuff away, I wouldn't accept her apology.

My parents also had form for this, which is why I'm not as angry as I could be, it's not a new experience

This has explained the whole thread to me, because initially I was wondering how you thought you would forgive them, why anyone in their right mind would want to continue any sort of relationship with people like that. But there's the explanation. Your boundaries are way off.

This would be the game changer for me, and H's reaction to it too. You need to go NC. As for your DH, can someone link to that book that is often recommended for H's with toxic parents? Where it explains the FOG thing?

I suggest you start getting angry OP and reframe what they did, grieve for the precious things you have lost both now and with your own parents. As Bungle says above this is a betrayal, don't let your DH let you down to ifyswim. for you.

@paleandstale what's your theory on why she did it?

Maybe threaten to go round and bin her wedding or baby photos to see how she would like it?

My granny used to do this to my mum. Their relationship improved massively once my mum moved to the other side of the world when she was 27!

It's inexcusable and the fact that it's only your stuff shows how little she thinks of you. I would seriously consider limiting contact.

This is well over the line and cannot have been accidentally done. Who throws out other people's books and old letters.
I would ask that she replaced all the books with similar vintage copies for a start. Along with any other named items.
Until this was done I wouldn't have anymore contact.
You can't replace the sentimental items but at least having to look for replacement books will highlight the loss you have experienced and inconvenience MIL.
I wouldn't let her unsupervised in the house again.

If anything, I think you're underreacting.

Perhaps her own family are so used to her toxicity that they think it's more acceptable than it is, and that's why they are trying to get you to knuckle under like a good girl too.

She has done this On. Purpose.

You know she has.

She has deliberately done this to hurt you, and now she is crying woe is me so you look like the one out of line.

Hmm-so she now gets to see just her son & GC?

Well fuck that-she shouldn't be seeing any of you!

Your husband wants you to move on?

Twat!

Totally agree with what everyone has already said - utterly spiteful behaviour and so out of order. My PILs also cat sit for us and while I appreciate their help with that, I would feel very unhappy if MIL rearranged our belongings while she was here. If they threw things out I would be LIVID!!

They need to back off, nothing they can say will undo this. Making out that you're causing a breakdown in the relationship is pure deflection.

Perhaps it needs to be rather firmly pointed out to her that she is the one who is responsible and has ruined the relationship between you.

What is she going to do to put things right? Some of those things were irreplaceable, but she should damn well offer to buy replacement books etc.

You think you'll be ready to pretend everything is fine in two weeks and apparently that is too long. Blimey. Clearly your boundaries have been ground to dust somewhere along the line. Minimum one year.

This was done to hurt you. You specifically. You know it. It is obvious. MIL can channel her inner Shaggy It wasn't me and all the stupid "explanations" she likes. You can still tell her to fuck off for the forseeable future.

She's trying to force your DH to stomp on you too. Fuck that. Increase your fury at DH. Stop engaging with any of their ridiculous excuses. Respond like you would with a teen being ridiculous "I am not discussing this any further. I am sick of this nonsense. I've told you I won't forgive her any time soon. Keep her away from me."

Stay right away from the drama. Make sure she is well punished for doing this. Right now everyone is most scared of her because, I bet, she is always the one who will escalate hardest. Time to change that. Take the mantle of stroppiest woman in the family, she who must not be crossed, it is yours, put it on and be free.

I am the most difficult in my insane family. My boundaries are solid. I eyeroll at their shenanigans. I am unswayed by the ridiculous attempts at manipulation. Flying monkeys are swatted away with ease. Willingness to look like the bad guy is liberating. Hugely liberating. Total refusal to engage in the nonsense is also liberating: they spout so much bollocks, you don't have to listen, respond, form a cogent argument, you can just ignore. Rudely. Be rude. It's the only way to survive such power games.

DH will find it hard to side with you against his mother. Make it easy for him by being completely clear, furious and totally unwavering.

I'm honestly appalled!
MIL had no right to go through your things, let alone actually bin stuff. If she wanted to be helpful & help have a tidy up then she could have left a pile of stuff to potentially be binned which you could check first.
I would find this very hard to forgive. She should not be judging what's "junk". It should have been obvious that some of these were sentimental items.

I'm thinking the reason, or part of the reason, she cat sat was so she could do this very thing!

And I agree with a previous poster who said MIL should start showing she's sorry and at least replace the books.

I really fill for you. My ex husband found my ex boyfriend love letters and little gifts I was keeping for my son as a memory of his Dad with some photographs. To me they were so valuable as he left us without a trace.
I wanted something to hold on to.
My ex destroyed everything and over 30 years later I'm not over it. I'll never be over it because it wasn't his.
I'll send her a firm message telling her how hurt you are as these were your memories and you held them in high regards.
You didn't give her permission and for now you need time to assess how you feel.
I love it when people get angry and you for being upset.
I'm sending you lots of hugs. You are absolutely entitled to your feelings. What a cow.

I would lose my shit over this. How fucking dare she even go into a room she had no business being in, let alone clear out your stuff. I suggest you let your Dh read this to make him realise what she did was not in any way acceptable. She can dress it up any way she wants but bottom line is she is a manipulative controlling bitch. Change the locks as no doubt she has a spare set of keys for your house for 'emergencies' (to rifle through your personal belongings )

I'm just speechless that anyone could do this with another person's belongings. She had no right! I would be white hot with rage and I probably could never forgive her, nor even be civil in her presence again. It's beyond outrageous. I have boxes of mememtoes, letters, photographs, things I've written - if anyone came in to MY house and tossed them in a bin I think I would hate them forever.

It’s the letters from your grandparents that got to me. Irreplaceable.
I wouldn’t accept an apology. Insist on the key back. They do not come in your home again. Create a good amount of distance for a good amount of time.
I don’t think I would ever forgive this. She knew exactly what she was doing.

Well, they can never sat sit again (ok, they should not come to your house again, I am sure with how you are feeling right now!).

Everytime I read on here someone critisising people complaining about their parents/in law, I think - did you actually read the post?Some of these people are absolute shockers.

I don't think I have much in the was of sentimental stuff, but by crickey I would be furious if anyone decided they were being helpful by throwing stuff away like that.

This has made me feel physically sick for you.
I’m so so sorry op.
It might be only “stuff” but it’s not the physicality of it, it’s the sentiment and emotion attached to it.
I’d never forgive.
I’d never talk to them again.
To some that might be ridiculous but I couldn’t forgive it.

Cat sit!

OMG I opened this thread thinking why on earth can't people be more tolerant of PIL. And then!! I would be beyond fuming about this and I absolutely understand how you need not to see her for a while until you come to terms with it.

Unforgivable.

I'm shocked and horrified at this.

She has some pretty toxic feelings towards you and she has allowed herself to express them through this illegal, spiteful act. What a callous, mean and downright sneaky way to behave. And then trying desperately to wrangle victim status when you're justifiably distraught by HER chosen behaviour. She made a decision to do this, now wants to back away from the consequences because it's uncomfortable – trust your instincts OP, they're probably right. We on MN can see her!

You sound super magnanimous and forgiving, and more than able to handle the situation, but if I were you I would expect full support of DH – he might need some help appreciating how non-negotiable this is if he's used to their crap – and the space to take however long you need to decide how you want to handle your relationship long term.

So sorry she invaded your privacy and stole your treasured things. Sending solidarity and shared outrage!

Just to add, I'd never be civil to the bitch again if I had the misfortune of having to be in her company.