How do I communicate my need to be left the fuck alone?

[paleandstale]

Apologies, it's another MIL one. She's usually lovely but she's really shat the bed this time and I want some time.

PIL cat sat for us whilst we were away on hols, really kind of them. However, whilst they were here, MIL took it upon herself to have a clear out of our spare room. She has thrown away three boxes of sentimental stuff from my childhood, old diaries, some letters from my grandparents, photos, presents I was given, books: my Malory towers and sweet Valley high collection, all sentimental stuff that means a lot to me. These was the only things that were thrown away, nothing belonging to DH or the DC were thrown away, just re-arranged. DS 1 bedroom was reorganised for example. I didn't realise until about two days later (about the thrown away, I twigged the re-organisation pretty quickly). Bin men have been, it's all gone.

I am really, really upset by this. PILs initial reaction was patronising, suggesting that we live in junk filled chaos and they couldn't see us living like this, this then quickly turned angry and is now at the begrudging apology stage.

In the last few days PIL has been bombarding me with messages about how upset MIL is (because I won't accept her apology or talk to her right now). they were supposed to be coming over this weekend but i've suggested DH and the kids go to them, I don't want them in my space right now.

I will get over this, it's only 'stuff' i get that but I'm not at the forgive and forget stage yet. I'm getting multiple daily messages from FIL, MIL has been on the phone every day to DH alternating between anger at me, belittling my feelings or crying about how I am going to ruin their relationship.

I just want to be left alone by them for a while, DH is supportive but is also on the receiving end of his parents, wants an easy life and is encouraging me to move on. I will move on but I just want a couple of weeks without any bullshit from any of them. Any advice on what I can do / say to buy me a bit of time?

The very fact that your 8yo knows how much granny dearest dislikes you is irrefutable proof that she is not a good grandmother.

People will talk, @KetoWithIF!

@Wishimaywishimight

i remember Tracey! Hard Hearted Harriet! I found my collection from 1-end on top of the bin. I do not know why my mum was desperate to chuck Tracey out.

This is why I don’t have a cat

Hoping you do the voodoo that you do so well, @Keto!!! 🥰🥰🥰

Sorry OP. That's fucking wrong of her!

Sounds like you're a better person than me as I'd never speak to them again.

Tattygran - that's awful, what a horrible thing for your own daughter to have done to you. :(

WishImay - I remember Tracy too! And Misty - god I loved Misty.
Anyway, I found this resource online for you - it's not the comics but it is the serial stories and details about them
girlscomicsofyesterday.com/tracy-stories/

I would stand my ground and say throwing away ANYTHING of yours IS unforgivable. How aboyt you come to hers and chuck her crap out? Maybe then they will feel even??? Dont let them bully you this way. Stand up and say you expect the respect and the acknowledgent how much they have upset you and if they cant see it / you are done. Your husband is a problem too / if he prioritises easy life over your genuine upset then he is a d... .

Oh wow, this is just too much. I would be spitting fire at this, absolutely heartbreaking, how dare she. I’m so angry for you. I would change your locks in case she kept a key, tell your husband to keep his mother far away from you. Fucking bitch. for you

oh god can't even imagine....just the thought of someone else TOUCHING my personal things.....but to then decide they weren't worth keeping?

who the fuck do they think they are?

if they were my in laws they'd never see my or my kids again

So disrespectful and high handed - at best. Cruel at worst. The books bad but losing letters!
My mil can be frustrating but looking at her with kinder eyes. She would never do something like this.

mmmmmm ..... I wonder if she read the diaries first? You know she did. What a hideous little woman. My MIL used to inspect all my plugholes, and tell me what a terrible person I was, whilst eating her three bloody cooked meals a day for three bloody weeks, and then didn't speak to me for four years - bliss! Just say two words to her, (the second word is "off")

I think the male equivalent for men of this generation is to slash and burn your garden. Fil has done that before and read on here others had same.

Fine. If you have such a chaotic, junk filled life, let's cleanse. She thinks that you can simply do without your memories, then it's a simple step to just 'do without' excess family. In-laws are definitely excess family in this case!

They are awful people. Declutter then from your life.

Just awful. Nothing to add except support.

Change your locks.

Don't follow the advice to take things from their house, you wouldn't want to stoop to their level and I'm sure you won't. But do change your locks and never speak to them again.

just had to comment, even though the thread is long.
This is truly appalling behaviour, it is enough to go no contact with someone. I am gald you and your dh have talked and he is supportive.
In terms of boundaries, there are often threads on here about mothers or MIL doing things like rearranging kitchen cupboards.

The response is always - they have over stepped the mark.
So in terms of boundaries

1. she should not have moved/re=organised anything in your house. That in itself is a insult, and overstepping, a form of control, and belittling you and your role as the owner/adult in the house.
2. she should not have even been in the spare room cupboard. My mum (let alone my MIL) would not dream of going into my cupboards, and would see it as in invasion of privacy, which it is. She pverstepped by not recognising that in your house, there are private areas, and she has no right to them. Ever.
3. She made decisions about what should and should not be kept/thrown away. That is not hers to do. The stuff was not hers, she ahs no right to make any decisions about it. It is irrelevant what her opinion is about mess/junk/clutter, it is not hers. You are entitled to do what you like with your stuff and you are not accountable to her.
4. Apart from the 'simple' specific overstepping of boundaries there is the broader picture of why she thinks she has the right to do anything in her ds home, let alone her DIL's home. She is behaving as is your dh is still a child, and that as the adult she has the right to make decisions on his behalf. She doesn't. Doesn't matter what the decision is, or if she likes it or not, it is none of her business.
5. If the items thrown away were from all members of the family, then that would be it, but because she has chosen to throw away only your items, then it is obvious that this is a mean and nasty bullying tactic aimed at you. The woman is toxic.

I am not sure I could ever come back from this. If my mum had done something like this accidentally, then maybe, but given all the above, I would need to go non contact.

It would be interesting to see what she says if someone said to her - do you love your ds? Then you need to love the person her has chocen to spend his life with, and the mother of your dgc. If you don't you will loose your ds and your dgc. I bet she wouldn't understand

This is heartbreaking OP.
Your poor 8 YO DS has even noticed they don't like you.
That is sad for him and for your family.
I would be going NC from now on.
DH can still have contact but you now know what they think of you and you do not have to tolerate them for another moment of your life.
Don't allow these toxic people around you any more.
I'm glad you've now recognised that they have been trouncing all over your boundaries from the get go.

It’s quite shocking what your 8 year old said. What does your dh think about that?