How do I communicate my need to be left the fuck alone?

[paleandstale]

Apologies, it's another MIL one. She's usually lovely but she's really shat the bed this time and I want some time.

PIL cat sat for us whilst we were away on hols, really kind of them. However, whilst they were here, MIL took it upon herself to have a clear out of our spare room. She has thrown away three boxes of sentimental stuff from my childhood, old diaries, some letters from my grandparents, photos, presents I was given, books: my Malory towers and sweet Valley high collection, all sentimental stuff that means a lot to me. These was the only things that were thrown away, nothing belonging to DH or the DC were thrown away, just re-arranged. DS 1 bedroom was reorganised for example. I didn't realise until about two days later (about the thrown away, I twigged the re-organisation pretty quickly). Bin men have been, it's all gone.

I am really, really upset by this. PILs initial reaction was patronising, suggesting that we live in junk filled chaos and they couldn't see us living like this, this then quickly turned angry and is now at the begrudging apology stage.

In the last few days PIL has been bombarding me with messages about how upset MIL is (because I won't accept her apology or talk to her right now). they were supposed to be coming over this weekend but i've suggested DH and the kids go to them, I don't want them in my space right now.

I will get over this, it's only 'stuff' i get that but I'm not at the forgive and forget stage yet. I'm getting multiple daily messages from FIL, MIL has been on the phone every day to DH alternating between anger at me, belittling my feelings or crying about how I am going to ruin their relationship.

I just want to be left alone by them for a while, DH is supportive but is also on the receiving end of his parents, wants an easy life and is encouraging me to move on. I will move on but I just want a couple of weeks without any bullshit from any of them. Any advice on what I can do / say to buy me a bit of time?

My mother had a bit of a habit of this - my entire collection of Famous Five books which I adored and read over and over (she thought I must be sick of them since I read them so much - hardly logical!), my collection of ballroom dancing medals and trophies, some with my name engraved) - "dust collectors" and a collection of comics I had from issue 1 to when it went out of print - I absolutely adored them, never managed to track down any copies (it was called 'Tracey' & no-one else seems to remember it!). I'm sure there was more, she hated "rubbish" ie anything that wasn't strictly functional and never really came to terms that she and I were actually separate people and that I felt differently and loved my possessions.

I wouldn't have anything to do with them ever again.

This was a family abuse by destroying of your personal private possessions in your home.

You are covered under section 76 of the serious crimes act 2015.

I also wouldn't advise that your children see them because they will turn your children against you by blaming you for the relationship breakdown.

Sit your husband down first and explain logically about them breaking the law as family members. The serious crimes act 2015 is online and get a really good police domestic abuse team to support you while you come up with a plan.

Once you have told your husband that you are a victim of domestic abuse by his parents ... you should both sit together and explain to your kids that they won't see their grandparents and why.

Totally agree with everyone else. I see you're in the Midlands like me. If you need an unconnected 3rd party to torch that bungalow give me a shout I can provide my own balaclava.

Definitely not dementia ...

People with dementia don't target one persons belongings. ..

I have 25 years experience of being a professional carer in dementia.

This is a domestic abuse crime under section 76 of the serious crime act 2015.

Psychological and emotional distress caused by her destroying your personal memories and private possessions

OMG I had an abusive BF once who used to go through my stuff and question everything, to the extent that I burned all my precious things out of fear. Diaries, family letters, the lot! This was 30 years ago and I have never stopped regretting it, those things are part of your life and your memories, and her behaviour was unforgiveable - FOREVER!!

Absolutely awful. I'm so sorry this happened to you

Fuck...ing...hell!

My partner and I read your thread - FUCKING HELL!

I would never speak to her ever again!
She hasn’t done this on purpose.

I am so sad for you. My daughter did this to me. I had finally managed to leave her father, who had been very violent towards me, after years of threats, which of course, he made sure nobody else witnessed. I rented a small bedsit/flat, with little storage, so lots of my things had to be left in my house, which he refused to leave. He was so frightened that I'd go to the police about him, he didn't touch my belongings. When he was sent the divorce papers, he hung himself. He had made a will leaving his half of the house to our daughter, who had been very hostile to me since his attack. Nothing to our son, who he felt was 'on my side'.
I went to the house after his death to find that she had emptied it totally. My clothes, shoes, books, mementos, photos, furniture, kitchen equipment etc, all gone. I got a crime number when I notified the police, but couldn't bring myself to prosecute.
Years later, and I still look in charity and junk shops, in the hope that I might find something that was mine.

I’ve not read all responses so sorry if this has moved on now but I would tell PIL that the only way you can get over this is to have access to their house whilst they are away and throw out any of their stuff that you consider to be junk/crap. Are they happy to agree to this?

I'm another one who loves @19TowelNumber42 's post.

I also love decluttering. I still think your mil is completely out of order.

I am speechless and I don’t think I would ever get over that.

Shocking. What a horrible old witch. I would cut this cow and her husband out of your life, end of story. Then try to put the whole sorry episode behind you and trust in Karma to be a bitch. Focus on your own and your DC happiness and don't waste your precious energy on giving headspace to such a vile weirdo. If your DH doesn't support you 100% in this matter he's a big fanny.

@Tattygran14 I'm sorry you had to experience such sadness. I hope you are ok now.

I was at my daughter and partners house yesterday as they needed someone to be there as someone was doing some work. I'd never have dreamt of touching anything bélongnig to her partner or her, without permission. I sometimes look after the dogs, all u di us wash up and maybe Émpty the bins, I still have quite a bit of her stuff here and.wbile I'd love her Fontaine it I'd not get rid of anything, apart from genuine rubbish, I chucked out a whole load if empty boxes and suchlike just to make a bit if room, but nothing more, wouldn't do that at her house, I know she's not sentimentàlly attached to empty boxes and suchlike that have been absndoned. I don't go in her drawers either just trying to get a bit tidy so I can get new windows. She is a scheming rude and nasty cow, and s lying one at that

I hope you set your BIL straight op as to what actually happened. Don't let her smear you to others to make herself try and look good.

@KetoWithIF thank you - and I really do hope so!!

I think you are being TOO reasonable. I would NEVER forgive that! Or want to listen to anything being said. I'm not even overly sentimental.

What your mil did was awful. I think not forgiving her will effect you, so for your own peace of mind, I agree with you that keep your distance until you’ve had time to get your head around it all.
My mil has been truly awful to me so I can sympathise.

Haven't rtft but OMFG!!!!!That's the first time I've read a post open mouthed! Who the f**k does she think she is?!!! Your DH must have had some batshit crazy upbringing if he thinks this is ok, but that's got to be true considering his cuckoo mother! The only feasible explanation is that you've burned her house down in the past and she's getting her own back?!! But seriously, who the hell thinks it's ok to throw anyone's belongings from their own home, let alone sentimental items?!! You need to put it to your DH that you're going to raid his mother's house and throw his sentimental keepsakes and see how they both like it! Absolutely gobsmacked at the audacity of this crazy bitch! Good luck in the future because if she's willing to do that then god only knows what else she is capable of!

@Tattygran14 I'm so sorry to hear that 😢

No idea why that posted in bold but meh 🤷🏻‍♀️

I am shocked and horrified. Both as a DIL and as a MIL. This is way beyond unreasonable and has crossed all boundaries of normal behavior. Especially as just your belongings were targeted.

I cannot imagine ever going into the personal belongings of my daughters in law or my sister or anyone at whom I was staying, let alone throwing anything out. She needs counselling. she has serious psychological issues.

What I would recommend is to stand up for yourself and set limits with them. I would write an email. I would first address to yourself so that you don't mistakenly send it until you are ready. I would just put down every single thing I was feeling. no holds barred and not mincing your words. This is to allow you to vent.

Over the next few days if you want, and if anything comes to mind. Add to the email. Then after a few days , read it and evaluate if you want to send her a message. Edit it and if you want to , send it. I would at that point, just state the facts. How much you were hurt by it and how her behavior crossed all boundaries. I would state that she needs to examine her behavior and until such time that she takes responsibility for it, you need to maintain space and then if she is genuine and sincere, you will see if you can have a relationship based on new parameters.

Your husband needs to step up and support you. Sounds like some family therapy is warranted here.

I think it’s too late for therapy and a hitman would be cheaper in the long run - and much more therapeutic for OP.

So sad for you . Don't back down . You are the injured party. I am a MIL but was a DIL . I stupidly let my MIL get away with things as DH never backed me up . Don't let her off .